Missing mom as mother's day nears

[candy]

my mom died when i was young, i have no kids or mother in law even..it always seems to hurt more each year, as my GF's are such good friends with their moms. anyone else feel this way as we're inundated with mother's day messages??

[quankanne]

surprisingly enough it's not Mother's Day when it hits hardest, but her birthday (March 23), her wedding anniversary (March 21) or my birthday. Because there would always be a flurry of calls leading up to those special days ...

 

I've got sibs, so that helps ease the pain some to talk to them. I also have a couple of close friends and aunts who are older than me, and are like mother-figures, so it also helps to talk with them, too.

 

do you have any female relatives (granny, aunt, older cousin) that you've bonded with? Keeping in touch with them could help some because they most likely remember your mom with affection ...

 

hugs,

q

[candy]

sadly, theres not, nor have there ever been females to "take up the slack" of mom--my aunt is invlolved in her life and lives far; she didn't really have many close friends; and I have an older sister I barely talk to. so most stuff i've had to sort of teach myself over the years. also, no one to really talk to about her. my friends all have their moms and can't understand--good for them. but that still leaves me sad on mother's day, all the ads all over th eplace, like if you don't have a mom you may as well hide for the day. which i usually do....bdays and stuff are hard, but you can hide behind those days cause no one else knows. but mother's day is a freaking national holiday, one that will sadly never mean anyhting to me again.

[quankanne]

this is going out on a branch here, but what about befriending some of the older women from church or college/school? Or even visiting a nursing home and "adopting" a maternal role model? You'd bring someone a lot of joy with the affection you heap on them ... just a crazy thought, because I know how hard it is to find the kind of relationship you had with your mom ...

[candy]

Those are actually good ideas, thanks..there is one woman, my best friends mom, whois always there to listen to me, and she's pretty nice. the problem is, she's my best friends mom so (rightfully) my friend always comes first, so sometimes that makes me feel worse, that she has that relationship i never quite will. it just really is worse this time of the year with all the mothers day stuff...the rest of the year isn't so bad. i guess its best to just ignore the day and wait for monday the 14th!!

[Jinxx]

Hey Candy -- right there with you! I absolutely dread seeing all the Mother's Day commercials, cards, etc. Even though I have my own kids and family, it just isn't the same without my mom around. Hugs to you.

[Zona76]

I always loved both my parents. Yet I was the "baby" and felt I was mom's favorite.

I felt very close to her.

She's 87 now. In a nursing home. I see her once or twice a week and feel guilty for not seeing her more. But it's depressing there. Dad's been gone over 10 years. He kept me strong. Mom was full of emotion and all heart. She speaks little now days. I don't want to let her go.

But she feeds herself. (not on tubes or breathing machines)And she can get angry when she can't get her way.

I was asked, "Why don't you just let her go? She wouldn't want to live this way."

Okay but what can I do? Take from her my visits? Stop her from feeding herself?

I don't care for the Mothers Day phone call from my kids. I wish I could be able to bring her home for a day. Alas my house is not wheel chair accessible.

[quankanne]

my best friends mom, whois always there to listen to me, and she's pretty nice. the problem is, she's my best friends mom so (rightfully) my friend always comes first, so sometimes that makes me feel worse, that she has that relationship i never quite will

 

turn those feelings around: Send your friend's mom a Mother's Day card and let her know how much you love and appreciate her for bringing such a wonderful friend into your life, and for being a mom to you in the process. I don't think your friend would be upset by that, because in recognizing her mom, you're also recognizing her for the special role in your life. My personal thought is that a true friend shares family when he or she senses you need it most ...

[quankanne]

I wish I could be able to bring her home for a day.

 

hey Zona, I remember when my granny was in the nursing home, even brief visits to my family's home could be stressful on her, so we came up with the idea of going for coffee, ice cream or corny dogs at the local Dairy Queen instead. And she loved it, because it got her away from the routine of the nursing home, AND she got to get the snacky food she liked best. Another favorite thing to do with Miss J (my granny) was to drive through the countryside with the stereo on, because she'd either be whistling to the music or telling stories about growing up whenever we'd pass by someplace familiar.

 

just a thought!

[LN99]

My mom just passed away a little over a week ago. But this year I'm ok w/ mothers day because I gave her a mothers day card before she died. (we had warning it was going to happen.)My sister and I both decided to celebrate it early. I know how you feel though. Thats how I get about Fathers Day. It depresses me. I lost my Dad three yrs ago unexpectedly.

I also have no kids and am not married nor have a special someone in my life.

 

It sucks... Just hang in there though.

[quankanne]

my thoughts and prayers are with you, LN ...

[candy]

yeah, mothers day is even worse if you don't have kids or even a mother in law. my BF is trying for the 3rd year since were dating to get me to his mothers day bbq. i usually pass as it is very sad for me, i don't want to cry ad dupset everyone. but the thought of siitttng there while she opens all her gifts and everyone dotes on her, why put myself thru it? he gets upset with me says why stay home and sulk, but woudl you guys go? i dont' want to be a downer but i just know i will cry...i just feel like its not my holiday, so why celebrate it, ya know? but i feel like maybe thiis the year to go and brace myself. my mom was my best friend, i was so young and so was she, she died suddenly and unexpectedly, so i don' t know i ever really got over it. but no matter how old you are when you lose your mom, it really sucks.

[lisa28wv]

Well girl im here to tell ya i have the same problem.... My mom has been gone for almost 9 years well June 1st will make 9 years and mothers day is the hardest day of the year for me... I mean im glad for the ppl who do have their moms.... But its just so hard for me.... My mom also died unexpectingly..... Noone knew she was gonna pass away.... Plus also i lost a baby in feb 1997..... So its a really hard time for me to over that.... Your mother is forever with you. How do we face a day set aside for mothers when the woman who brought us into this world has been taken from this world? If you ask those who have already been down this road, they will tell you that it is a very lonely time. For each of you that will be glowing with smiles, shopping for your mother, and taking her out to your favorite restaurant, there will be those of us whose heart is aching as we remember the last moments spent with our mothers. If you are missing your mother this Mother's Day, don't keep these emotions bottled up inside you. Write a special essay or poem and dedicate it to the memory of your mother. Share the memories of your special times spent with your mother with family and friends. Pull out old photographs, or look at a videotape of your mother. Go out and buy yourself a rose bush and plant it in your flower bed. Each year as summer brings back the birth of roses; your mother’s memory will re-bloom in the beauty of those roses. My mother always loved roses. She and my father would grow them in the garden and all our neighbors would remark on the beauty of those roses. When winter rolls around I am saddened that my mother is now gone, but just as winter took her, the first spring bloom of those roses brings her home. So this Mother’s Day, I will delight in the beauty of roses. You are not betraying your mother by the feeling of happiness. Your mother would want you to be happy on this day. Remember her laughter. Grief is normal, and there is no easy way to deal with it. Close your eyes and remember your childhood and the happy times that you spent with your mother. Remember the talks and the wisdom she shared, and even remember the fights that you both had when you didn't quite see eye to eye. Your mother is forever with you. Though there is an empty chair where she use to sit, in your heart she will forever be seated. This Mother’s Day, rejoice and smile. Your Mother gave you life, and with that life she taught you many things. The one thing she may not have taught you is how to say goodbye when her time on earth was over. Death is just the passage through a door. It is from one room to the next and from this life to eternal life. Right through the clouds is where your mother is. She is in the beauty of roses that bloom. Remember your mother this Mother’s Day. Mourn in her death, but rejoice in her rebirth. I will never be able to write anything that matches the love my mother had for me, but may my love for her be found within the wisdom of the words that I share with all of you this Mother's Day.

1-800, I'm calling Heaven’s operator. Please patch through a call to our mothers and wish them a Happy Mother’s Day from their children here on earth.

[lisa28wv]

How do we face a day set aside for mothers when the woman who brought us into this world has been taken from this world? If you ask those who have already been down this road, they will tell you that it is a very lonely time. For each of you that will be glowing with smiles, shopping for your mother, and taking her out to your favorite restaurant, there will be those of us whose heart is aching as we remember the last moments spent with our mothers. If you are missing your mother this Mother's Day, don't keep these emotions bottled up inside you. Write a special essay or poem and dedicate it to the memory of your mother. Share the memories of your special times spent with your mother with family and friends. Pull out old photographs, or look at a videotape of your mother. Go out and buy yourself a rose bush and plant it in your flower bed. Each year as summer brings back the birth of roses; your mother’s memory will re-bloom in the beauty of those roses. My mother always loved roses. She and my father would grow them in the garden and all our neighbors would remark on the beauty of those roses. When winter rolls around I am saddened that my mother is now gone, but just as winter took her, the first spring bloom of those roses brings her home. So this Mother’s Day, I will delight in the beauty of roses. Your mother would want you to be happy on this day. Remember her laughter. Grief is normal, and there is no easy way to deal with it. Close your eyes and remember your childhood and the happy times that you spent with your mother. Remember the talks and the wisdom she shared, and even remember the fights that you both had when you didn't quite see eye to eye. Your mother is forever with you. Though there is an empty chair where she use to sit, in your heart she will forever be seated. This Mother’s Day, rejoice and smile. Your Mother gave you life, and with that life she taught you many things. The one thing she may not have taught you is how to say goodbye when her time on earth was over. Death is just the passage through a door. It is from one room to the next and from this life to eternal life. Right through the clouds is where your mother is. She is in the beauty of roses that bloom. Remember your mother this Mother’s Day. Mourn in her death, but rejoice in her rebirth. I will never be able to write anything that matches the love my mother had for me, but may my love for her be found within the wisdom of the words that I share with all of you this Mother's Day.

1-800, I'm calling Heaven’s operator. Please patch through a call to our mothers and wish them a Happy Mother’s Day from their children here on earth.

[mjayc]

Do u have fond memories of your mother?

- her smell?

- her smile?

- the way she tucked you in at night?

- or read a story to you before bed?

- her hugs?

if you do have any memory so sweet as these, be grateful that you can sit in peace at your dinnertable (on mother's day, her birthday, or even yours) to think about as you sip your tea. It can be these memories that make those days so wonderful. Cherish those things that you can...not those that you can't.

 

I can relate. My mother left me and my brother and father to be "young again" when I was 11 months old. I have no fond memories of her. All I have are the hatred expressed by my father who told us of all thw aweful things about her...she couldn't even boil water, she would not clean, she did not work, she partied all the time, once even locked my brother in his room at the age of 2 and let me wander around the house to be found sitting in the hallway playing in my own pheses when my father returned from work...a note on the table explicitly stating she gives up all rights to my brother and me to our father. She moved in with her boyfriend, and began working in a strip club.

 

As a child, during class activities where youmake your mom a gift on mothers day, i made my father a present. Had no grandparents, no aunts, no one but my father, who became an abusive drunkard. And we always lived on the verge of poverty.

 

Once I became a mother 8 years ago, and held my child, looking into his sweet eyes, wondering how I was going to be a good mother, with no model to go by, I wondered "How could a person carry a child 10 mo, and then care for it for 11 months, and just walk away?" I could not/cannot fathom it.

 

So, I found her. First try. Same day, FOUND HER.

 

I called her. Finally after several hours, I got in touch with her.

 

Surprisingly, with no emotion, (after I realized this is really her!) I told her that both my brother and I were OK, and in fact he is living only mikles away from her, as for me, clear across the country. I updated her on my life, and his. And told her I had no expectations of her, but I just thought she might want to know.

 

She was shocked to hear from me. She started crying, she said she had been looking for me. She told how she had hired a PI twice and before she could contact me, we moved. (Likely, b/c we moved ALOT!) She said our father had left the state w/o telling her. Her side of the story obviously was more innoscent than we were raised to believe.

 

She told me of her lavish life, living in mansions in Dallas, and Hawaii, and in Cali. She has a son, who was 4 at the time. And is married to a younger man. Still not working.

 

So she came to visit me.

 

I met her at the airport. I always dreamt of this momentt all of my life. I wondered what I would do...how I would act.

 

As I watched her come off the plane, it was weird. It was like watching all the other people walk off the plane. No feeling at all, except that of a stranger. As she approached me, I thought to myself "Maybe I should hug her??" So I did.

 

It took a while, but after a day or two, I began to have a feeling toward her like I never in my life felt before. I have had 2 step mothers, and never felt the motherly WARMTH as I did when I was around her. She taught me a little about heritage. . . which was always a mystery to me. I never saw myself as anything but "white"-like my father. Though I could clearly SEE that I have oriental in me as I looked in the mirror, I did not feel it, untill these moment shared with my mother.

 

She stayed for 4 days. *(On the 3rd day, as we made a trip to the local Wal-Mart, we ran into my father. He was not happy, and it took some time for him to speak to me after that!)*

 

She left, and for 2 years, did not see her again.

 

On her next visit, her true colors came out. All she did was insult me. She did not like my house, the state I live in, my clothes, nothing. All she wanted to do is sleep. When she was awake and not insulting me she was missing her son and talking about all the wonderful things she buys (which are thousands and thousands of dollars).

 

The motherly warmth was not there.

 

The 3rd time, I went to visit her, and my little brother, meet some of her side of the family for the first time. It was the worst trip of my life. I was miserable. My house, my town was so much more cozy than this one (it was at my aunt's) yet she did not complain. She and my aunt left for the entire trip to go gamble, and party while I watched all the kids. No time, did she spend with me or her grandchild. When she was around me, more insults---more bragging on her money.

 

So once I returned home, I did not talk to her for another 2 years.

 

I finally broke down and called her. We had a long talk about the issues I had with her, and she assured me her intention was not to make me feel the way I did and she apologized. But everytime I felt the need to call her (which we could both call for free, b/c we have that mobile-to-mobile) I was the one to make the calls.

 

I am in college, at this time I was entering my junior year, and I was in a financial bind. My father has no money, so I thought, I could ask her (especially since she NEVER paid child support, she should be more than willing---right?) NO. It just-so-happened at this time she had no money. (how convenient, huh?) On the next phone call, I was doing Ok until she told me about the $300 flag football uniform she purchased for my 9 year old brother.

 

OK!

 

Well, I let that go.

 

My son's birthday comes and goes. Not even a call. My birthday comes and goes....nada! So once again she is out of my life.

 

On her birthday, I sent her a card, expressing how I wished her a wonderful b-day and I wanted her to know I remembered hers, though she did not mine or her grandchild's. And I (sweetly) expressed that I no longer needed her to be a part of my life. She had no binding obligation to begin with and since she shows no interest in being a part of it, she need not worry, i will not cantact her again.

 

My father and I have not spoken in a year now, again. He was the reason I stayed in fincial binds all of my adult life. He has been bankrupt twice, first, when I was still in highschool, and still now as I am 28 years old. I fed him and his wife, buying their groceries, beer, cigs, gas, paying their bills,ets!!!!!---all while I am still in college...trying to live off my husband's check. All of my school loans have been taken out, just to support my parents. But ONE TIME I told him I could not take them to the store WHEN he wanted me to-- but would the next day, and he throws me out of his life. This past year, I have been fine financially, now that I no longer have him and my step mother to support.

 

My brother, who is so much like our mother, told me that I am "no longer his sister"--since all of this, and it is NOW up to him. (He's not married, no kids, has a good job)...so it is fine by me.

 

But I too think about my mother on mothers day---and my father, because all my life he was both to me. But I get over it. I am the only mother I need to be concerned with. I strive everyday to be the kind of mother I always wanted. I think my son feels that "motherly warmth" when he's around me. I think he loves my smile...my hugs, my smell, the stories I read to him before I tuck him in bed. I try to create memories so if tomorrow my life ends, he will have those to cherish.

[Guest]

WOW - I wish I had of gotten on here over the weekend and read all of your posts on this thread. I can relate.

 

My mom died in 1996. Four years before that I suddenly lost my husband, two months after I had our baby. When my husband died I was only 29. When my mom died (from cancer) I was 33. Since then I lost my dad in 2004 and my older brother in 2006.

 

Mother's day hits me very hard as I've lost my mom and I celebrate mother's day alone with my son (who is now 14). It's one of the lonliest and hardest holidays for me.

 

I've had to raise my son totally alone and all the milestones my son reaches - I have no one to celebrate with (no husband, no family). Mother's Day seems to just sink in and hit me hard.

 

I spent most of the weekend fighting back tears and just thinking how hard my life has been. I recently got laid off work so maybe that just added to the pity party - I dunno. I don't have family support so I have to be incredibly strong all the time and handle life on my own.

 

It helps knowing all of you guys are going thru something similar with the loss of your mom's. Just knowing I'm not totally alone and there's alot of other people out there who've lost their mom's and feel the same way I do - it's a little comforting and helpful to know because you always think you're the only one grieving.

 

Well at least it has passed now.