Richard_J Posted May 1, 2007 Share Posted May 1, 2007 I've been involved with a MM for a long time. Now I know she is not going to get free and I have to stop this. She wants me to stay. But there's one last thing that troubles me about breaking it off now, and I'd really appreciate some feedback from women. I understand any replies will be from your own experience and I'll make my own decision here - but some honest feedback will really help. The reason I'd hold off from ending this now is that she recently lost a dearly loved family member. So even though I'm able to move on now, it will be additional hurt to her at this time. Should I let this keep me on with her for longer? I really care for her, but this has been so freaking wrong all along. I've rationalized that she's stuck with an abusive man, and has promised all along to get free. But now I know it's going to go on forever if I don't stop it. I'm not doing this to "bring her around". I know better than that. I'll stop this for myself. I think grief could last a long time - so agreeing to stay is not for just a month or two. I WILL end this! But now? Or be there for her longer? Link to post Share on other sites
JustBecause Posted May 1, 2007 Share Posted May 1, 2007 Richard_J, You can end it & still be there for her/him. That's my ?. The thread said something like you are an OM but you are with a MM?? Link to post Share on other sites
Sunset Posted May 1, 2007 Share Posted May 1, 2007 I am guessing you meant MW not MM. I think if you want to end it you should end it - there is no point dragging it on. Otherwise she will just be getting over her lost one then you will send her back down. Or if you want her give her an ultimatum and tell her you are not prepared to play second best anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 1, 2007 Share Posted May 1, 2007 Don't stay. End it now. As much as you don't want to hurt her, she needs to rely on her friends and family...IF you choose to stay longer in her life, it will only prolong you own pain, as well as hers. I'm not saying she will use that loss, but if you offer yourself as her support system, she'll take advantage of it and keep you in the affair. Being 'just' friends won't work either. Once again, it will be good for her, as she'll still have you in her life, but the friendship may not be enough for you...And, you can't be friends with someone you're inlove with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richard_J Posted May 1, 2007 Author Share Posted May 1, 2007 Richard_J, You can end it & still be there for her/him. That's my ?. The thread said something like you are an OM but you are with a MM?? Thanks. And yes, she is a MW - thanks for catching that. Link to post Share on other sites
Jinxx Posted May 1, 2007 Share Posted May 1, 2007 I WILL end this! But now? Or be there for her longer? Speaking as an XOW -- end it now. Don't drag it out any longer than necessary. Not fair to her or you. It doesn't matter that she is grieving. There are councelors that specialize in helping those who lost a loved one. BTDT too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richard_J Posted May 1, 2007 Author Share Posted May 1, 2007 I am guessing you meant MW not MM. I think if you want to end it you should end it - there is no point dragging it on. Otherwise she will just be getting over her lost one then you will send her back down. Or if you want her give her an ultimatum and tell her you are not prepared to play second best anymore. Yes - I meant MW - thanks. I appreciate your feedback. Especially about one loss now then another later. Maybe I'm wrong, but to me an ultimatum is like trying to get her do something that has to be her own decision. - like trying to control her. I'm thinking it'll be better to simply tell her it's over - period. She'll know why because we've beat this to death. If she then decides to get free, it'll be her decision, not forced by me. Maybe I'll still be available, maybe not. What do you think about that? Link to post Share on other sites
Herzen Posted May 1, 2007 Share Posted May 1, 2007 Speaking as an ex-OM, it's time for this long relationship to end--finally, definitively, absolutely. There will always be reasons to prolong the affair: a bad incident between your MW and her husband, kid issues, illness, loss of job, etc. Life offers endless opportunities to postpone the inevitable. The fact that you're posting here, tells me that it's only a matter of time before you exit on the affair. Both of you have done all you can do within the narrow boundaries of the affair. You need more emotional space to roam with some new women--none of whom is sleeping with someone else every night--and she needs to see if she can reconnect with her cuckholded husband. Get out, start anew and liberate yourself from the shackles of the affair. And when you leave: leave. Don't play the "let's just be friends" game. That's simply another way to keep you emotionally attached, and within the affair orbit. Break free. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richard_J Posted May 1, 2007 Author Share Posted May 1, 2007 Don't stay. End it now. As much as you don't want to hurt her, she needs to rely on her friends and family...IF you choose to stay longer in her life, it will only prolong you own pain, as well as hers. I'm not saying she will use that loss, but if you offer yourself as her support system, she'll take advantage of it and keep you in the affair. Being 'just' friends won't work either. Once again, it will be good for her, as she'll still have you in her life, but the friendship may not be enough for you...And, you can't be friends with someone you're inlove with. Damn! This is good advice. I'm getting some good stuff here. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
JustBecause Posted May 1, 2007 Share Posted May 1, 2007 Very True! It took me being pushed down an escalator by exmm's wife to get me outta that orbit!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richard_J Posted May 1, 2007 Author Share Posted May 1, 2007 Speaking as an ex-OM, it's time for this long relationship to end--finally, definitively, absolutely. There will always be reasons to prolong the affair: a bad incident between your MW and her husband, kid issues, illness, loss of job, etc. Life offers endless opportunities to postpone the inevitable. The fact that you're posting here, tells me that it's only a matter of time before you exit on the affair. Both of you have done all you can do within the narrow boundaries of the affair. You need more emotional space to roam with some new women--none of whom is sleeping with someone else every night--and she needs to see if she can reconnect with her cuckholded husband. Get out, start anew and liberate yourself from the shackles of the affair. And when you leave: leave. Don't play the "let's just be friends" game. That's simply another way to keep you emotionally attached, and within the affair orbit. Break free. Thanks buddy! Right - no end to the excuses for hanging on. I have to admit, I've been totally f*cked up over her and it's taken a lot to be at this point. If you look up Wussy in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of me But I'm changing things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richard_J Posted May 1, 2007 Author Share Posted May 1, 2007 Speaking as an XOW -- end it now. Don't drag it out any longer than necessary. Not fair to her or you. It doesn't matter that she is grieving. There are councelors that specialize in helping those who lost a loved one. BTDT too. That's what I need to know, especially from a "BTDT too" - thanks Jinxx. So far I don't hear anyone saying that she'll really crash more because of a double hit. Link to post Share on other sites
sapphire0903 Posted May 1, 2007 Share Posted May 1, 2007 Hey Richard. Yes, I would say end it now. She will be okay. You have to think about YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
Cliche Posted May 1, 2007 Share Posted May 1, 2007 Sort of OT - but is it just me or are the responses to OMs on this board significantly kinder to responses to OWs? Richard, I'm with the rest of the crew. If you're ready to end it, go ahead and do it now. She'll be okay eventually. So will you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richard_J Posted May 2, 2007 Author Share Posted May 2, 2007 Well I did it. On the phone - I told her I didn't want to live like this anymore. She said "Well then don't!" - And hung up. I did the right thing finally. And I feel like sh*t. Link to post Share on other sites
cbl Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 Well I did it. On the phone - I told her I didn't want to live like this anymore. She said "Well then don't!" - And hung up. I did the right thing finally. And I feel like sh*t. Don't..... This is one of the best things that you can do for yourself - taking control over your own life! You should feel good about it. She hung up only because she couldn't take rejections; and that shouldn't bother you anymore. You should feel a new life has started. Take care and good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Sunset Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 Well just the way she said 'well don't' then hung up should show you that you are better out of it. Give yourself time, even though you chose to end it you will still grieve for the loss of it all. Visit the 'coping' forum, most tends to be regular break up posts but they do have similar advice esp with No Contact etc. As for OM getting an easier time Cliche I have not read too many OM posts to be able to say for definite but I just think it depends on who's answering the posts rather than particular people being softer on OM. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 Well I did it. On the phone - I told her I didn't want to live like this anymore. She said "Well then don't!" - And hung up. I did the right thing finally. And I feel like sh*t. She's angry because now SHE loses out on having two men in her life....This has nothing to do with you or how unfair the situation is. It's ALL ABOUT HER. You DID the right thing, her words show this. She has NO concern right now for your feelings or thoughts...Again, it's all about HER and HER needs. Get on with your life, grieve, heal and move on. Don't look back. Link to post Share on other sites
Jinxx Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 Well I did it. On the phone - I told her I didn't want to live like this anymore. She said "Well then don't!" - And hung up. I did the right thing finally. And I feel like sh*t. Yes, you did the right thing. You're going to feel like **** for awhile but now you must focus on your own well being and put this behind you -- extremely difficult at times but you will get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richard_J Posted May 2, 2007 Author Share Posted May 2, 2007 I'm OK and I really appreciate the positive feedback. This thread confirmed for me what I knew had to be done. I knew I'd feel badly afterward. But I thought it would be worse! Anyway ... I've been to seminars, counseling and a lot of other preparitory things (for a couple of years - groan!). What I'm saying is, I got ready for it and I did it and I'm not going back. I was wrong to get involved, I got burned (less than I deserved by the way). It's like I'm out of the burning house now and I aint goin' back in! Would you like to know one of biggest things that prepared me? I bought a copy of "What the Bleep do We Know" and it's follow up movie also. I watched them each a bunch of times until I got it. I'm serious, those movies really helped. Thanks for the nudges. I'm going out tonight! Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 I bought a copy of "What the Bleep do We Know" and it's follow up movie also. I watched them each a bunch of times until I got it. I'm serious, those movies really helped. Hey Richardj congrats on the first day of your new life! or is the second? Regardless you did what's right for you! You feel like s#$% because though you did the right thing to start your new life you ended up killing an old one. You need to mourn the death of the old life and the crappy feelling is your mourning. It will be up and down and somedays will be much harder than others but eventually the highs are not that high and neither are the lows....it just evens out. I bought a copy of "What the Bleep do We Know" and it's follow up movie also. NO WAY!!! A brilliant friend of mind has been recommending that doc for quite some time now and I keep meaning to get it!! I am def picking it up this week. Link to post Share on other sites
Virgo1982 Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 Don't stay. End it now. As much as you don't want to hurt her, she needs to rely on her friends and family...IF you choose to stay longer in her life, it will only prolong you own pain, as well as hers. I'm not saying she will use that loss, but if you offer yourself as her support system, she'll take advantage of it and keep you in the affair. Being 'just' friends won't work either. Once again, it will be good for her, as she'll still have you in her life, but the friendship may not be enough for you...And, you can't be friends with someone you're inlove with. I would probably feel the same way, but if you lost a loved one, wouldn't she be hurting you by being with you? Probably. End it if you can. You'll keep finding excuses. Link to post Share on other sites
Jinxx Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 I bought a copy of "What the Bleep do We Know" and it's follow up movie also. I watched them each a bunch of times until I got it. I'm serious, those movies really helped. Never heard of this. Need to go pick up a copy for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richard_J Posted May 2, 2007 Author Share Posted May 2, 2007 I bought a copy of "What the Bleep do We Know" and it's follow up movie also. NO WAY!!! A brilliant friend of mind has been recommending that doc for quite some time now and I keep meaning to get it!! I am def picking it up this week. Yep - they're about quantum physics, but don't let that throw you. Because they're really all about taking control and getting past sh*t. Especially when you're practically addicted to somone else. Both flicks have to be watched sveral times. #1 is What the Bleep do We Know #2 is What the Bleep do We Know - Down the Rabit Hole They tend to dump on religion a little but I don't see why even a religious person can't see the application anyway. I think they're sort of intended for chicks ... but guys just don't have to tell their buddies. And if only girls watch them and get the point, they'll gain some advantage over the guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 Yep - they're about quantum physics, but don't let that throw you. Because they're really all about taking control and getting past sh*t. Especially when you're practically addicted to somone else. Both flicks have to be watched sveral times. #1 is What the Bleep do We Know #2 is What the Bleep do We Know - Down the Rabit Hole They tend to dump on religion a little but I don't see why even a religious person can't see the application anyway. I think they're sort of intended for chicks ... but guys just don't have to tell their buddies. And if only girls watch them and get the point, they'll gain some advantage over the guys. Totally apropos!! You should work out a commission plan with the makers of the movie, or better yet become the publicist for the doc, doing a fine job at selling it. You sold me!! OR LS should do a quick link it to it from this forum and share the hit profits with the producers....(...possibilities enless..) Had read some reviews on it a while back and got mixed reviews, some loved it while others found it hoakey but it def peaked my interest. signed sealed and delivered! (your secret is safe with us) Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts