I'm an OM - ready to quit - one last issue

[Richard_J]

 

And don't even suggest its my fault that she cheated.

... a little neglect ... is no excuse for cheating.

 

I don't mean this to be offensive SC. I'm assuming you can take it as well as you give it.

 

There is a big difference between

"its my fault" and "sharing some responsibilty"

 

The two are not the same and I only asked if you share any responsibility.

[Richard_J]

 

Oh I kept the fire lit...there wasn't a night I didn't want to make love.

 

I sure as hell never got all my needs met and she was never the instigator at keeping the "home fires lit"...

 

But SC, there is also a big difference between

a man wanting sex every night and being able to light her fire.

They're not the same.

 

If my wife cheated on me, she would be wrong!

But I'd still wonder if I was lacking in anyway ... if there we're improvements needed.

[Salicious Crumb]

SC first I want to prefacr this by saying all this is said and asked out of kindness.

 

I just want to make sure I understand your situation first.

 

Your wife apparently cheated before you were married correct? Has she cheated after she said her vows to you?

 

I have proof that she cheated while engaged and she fessed up only after I confronted her with it.

I only found this out years after being married. Now since this has come out, I am sure she has cheated during marriage...little things tell me like her coming home at 4am when the clubs closed at 1 and 2...her friends can't make up their mind whose house she was suppose to be at during these times.

 

Were you one of her only sexual partners? Did she want to experience sex with someone else before making a lifetime commitment?

 

I wasn't her only partner, but she didn't have but maybe a couple..and neither did I.

 

Either way, wanting to have sex with someone before we were married is no excuse...especially not with my ring on her finger. If she felt the need to f#ck other people...she wansn't fit to be married and definitely did the most selfish thing by not fessing up and giving me the option to continue on with her before it was too late.

 

Does you wife have any idea any at all that you feel this way about her? From what I have read and can interpret she doesn't and she feels your marriage is fine.

 

she knows how I feel.

 

Do you feel that is being fair to her? Keeping her in the dark about your resentment?

 

She knows about the resentment....even if she didn't....me be fair to her? She cheated...how fair is that to me?

 

Don't you think after all these years of faithfulness and children and family that it is time to let go and forgive her or decide that you will never forgive her and move on. Let the two of you find true love.

 

Even if we divorce, which isn't out of the question....I am done with committment. that is shi!t I don't need ever again.

[Salicious Crumb]

I don't mean this to be offensive SC. I'm assuming you can take it as well as you give it.

 

 

I can take it...but the point is...I was the betrayed...I am not the person, and never will be the type of person that will willfully and knowingly betray someone dear to me, and will NEVER be a person that will hurt a family our spouse by sleeping with someone elses wife.

So there is nothing for me to "take".

 

And the fact that you ended your statement with "I'm assuming you can take it as well as you give it" indicates that you DID mean it to be offensive.

 

Not that I care...just don't lie.

[Salicious Crumb]

But SC, there is also a big difference between

a man wanting sex every night and being able to light her fire.

They're not the same.

 

If my wife cheated on me, she would be wrong!

But I'd still wonder if I was lacking in anyway ... if there we're improvements needed.

 

Well hell..you just gave me a reason to go out and sleep with 100 women if that were the case.

 

Thanks man!!!

[Salicious Crumb]

But SC, there is also a big difference between

a man wanting sex every night and being able to light her fire.

They're not the same.

 

If my wife cheated on me, she would be wrong!

But I'd still wonder if I was lacking in anyway ... if there we're improvements needed.

 

LMFAO....so since you are the OM..you must be a sexual expert eh?

 

wow...the narcissism is thick today.

[Salicious Crumb]

I don't mean this to be offensive SC. I'm assuming you can take it as well as you give it.

 

There is a big difference between

"its my fault" and "sharing some responsibilty"

 

The two are not the same and I only asked if you share any responsibility.

 

Its not my fault and the "responsibility" of her actions are HERS..not mine.

Why did she marry me then? Why did she keep this from me and not give me the choice of leaving her?

If I didn't do it for her..then why didn't she leave instead of cheat? Why marry someone if they don't "light your fire"?

 

See what I'm getting at here?

 

And to say someone shares responsibility as to why their partner cheated is to say, you have to be perfect in everything you do to stave off cheating.

 

I make an effort to make sure my SO is satisfied in every respect, before I found out she cheated that is, because I loved her.....I don't want to do these things to keep someone from cheating...thats just absurd.

[Richard_J]

SC,

 

Your replies to me and GG really helped me to see more of the picture.

I'm truly sorry for what you'ven been dealing with.

 

Yes. I did intended one of my posts as a stick. But I apologize now that I know more.

[will2power]

Everything was fine...she never indicated a problem. Oh I kept the fire lit...there wasn't a night I didn't want to make love. She ask me to do something...I do it without complaint. And other than sex, she wasn't starving for attention by any means.

 

She is just one of those types that can't say no to the flattery of attention from someone she hasn't been with for years.

 

And don't even suggest its my fault that she cheated.

Even if there was a little neglect, which there was definitely not...that is no excuse for cheating. Its the ultimate form of selfishness and betrayal.

 

I sure as hell never got all my needs met and she was never the instigator at keeping the "home fires lit"...yet did I cheat?....no.

my soon to be ex husband.

 

Never accepting responsibility for what went wrong in the M. Its no good to proper healing.

[Richard_J]

SC,

 

One thing I've learned from mistakes (and this forum) is that it's better to leave a bad marriage than it is to cheat. Especially where there are no children. It may be a difficult thing to do, but seemingly better than adultery with it's consequences.

 

Then for the betrayed spouse, as in your case, which is apparently an on-going thing, it would also be better for you to end the marriage than to stay. The reasons are numerous and I'd just be preaching to the choir anyway.

 

What's keeping you from getting out of the marriage?. It seems to me like it's painful for you.

[hardcase]

SC,

 

One thing I've learned from mistakes (and this forum) is that it's better to leave a bad marriage than it is to cheat. Especially where there are no children. It may be a difficult thing to do, but seemingly better than adultery with it's consequences.

 

Then for the betrayed spouse, as in your case, which is apparently an on-going thing, it would also be better for you to end the marriage than to stay. The reasons are numerous and I'd just be preaching to the choir anyway.

 

What's keeping you from getting out of the marriage?. It seems to me like it's painful for you.

 

Its me, but no more Salicious.

 

She is not cheating now, so it has not been ongoing. I only have proof of her cheating while we were engaged, but I have educated guesses that she has during marriage...but those things were about 2 or 3 years ago. But I never thought much about them til I found out what she was like behind my back.

 

What is keeping me in the marriage? My kids...however that doesn't mean I am not considering divorce if she thinks she can return to her nightclubbing with her friends...that is definitely a deal breaker. She will lose her family if she doesn't want to act like a wife and mother.

 

And it isn't painful any longer...the sorry was replaced by anger about 8 months ago since I only found out about all of this less than a year ago.

 

The anger is slowly diminishing, but will always be there deep down somewhere. When I find this happening...I go to the gym...do my butterflies, benching, curls....and pound on the heavy bag...pretending it is an OM.

[LOVE2]

Well you did the right thing, I was currently in a 9 year relationship with a man and I am the MW. He became so frustrated with me that he called and told my husband everything.... And you know what the funny thing is is feel like Sh*t, because I miss him so much and I don't know why....

[Herzen]

Your OM is a jerk. I was involved with a MW for 5 years--it's long over--and I never considered telling her husband. They have two young children. Why should I destroy a family in addition to my own?

 

If she wants to tell him, that's her business. I'm very happy to be on with my life and out from under the heavy weight of the Affair.