Is it cheating? Emotional Infidelity...

[Mamma2twogirls]

I recently found out my BF/Fiance of 6 years, has been talking to another female. According to them both, confronted seperately, they havent done anything, they only talk. In fact, she asked If I was his wife calling. So obviously he is talking to her about me. Well, I was devistated. He is by far, a good communicator, I have ALWAYS been trying to get him to open up to me, and he has, but not like I would like. Now all of a sudden, or not, he can communicate with another female, and tell her things he should be telling me? I have read about emotional infidelity and this is exactly what I read, communicating with someone of the opposite sex, things u should be communicating with your mate. Is this cheating? I love him more than life, we have a little girl and I am about to give birth to our second daughter...should I forgive him? Can I live with this? I dont want to wonder everyday if he is talking to her, it KILLS me. Not to mention the fact that in the midst of my finding out, we were already fighting. So it only added fule to both our fires and he said some pretty HORRIBLE things he cant take back. For instance, he said he was only with me because each time we had broken up we had gotten pregnant. This is just not true. There is too much history, too many good times and bad, for it all to have been fake, IN MY HEART, I KNOW THAT. I think the things we BOTH said, came out of anger, because we were already pissed at eachother. Well, now, he is saying, without saying, that he isnt sure if he loves me, or wants to follow thru with our plans to marry and move us our to where he is currently working (he works a state away, though we grew up in the same city). I just dont know what to do. We have children, so I can just back off and let him breath so he will realize the mistake he is making because I need his help with the girls financially and so on. But I want to give him that opportunity to miss me. How do I do that, when I need money, which was ALWAYS our biggest problem, I needed it and he never has it or rarely comes thru. I dont want to take him for child support until I know our relationship is TRULY over, its too much drama, and I am not that type of person. I do think about my girls, I can provide for them myself, but his help is easier on doing so. Should I let him breath? For goodness sakes, we are having our second daughter in less than a week and all this is happening now!!! I think, I really do, that its the stress of the new baby, financially, and emotionally, that is causing the fights and so on. HELP ME. But please dont critisize me, my girls are fine, and marriage is not the issue.

[Tony T]

Most of the questions you ask her are questions you should be discussing with your boyfriend. If the two of you do not have quality communication, you shouldn't be engaged.

 

The physical distance between the two of you is very impractical. I personally just don't see how two people who live a state apart can continue any kind of decent relationship.

 

You need to talk to him about his association with this lady. Just how much does he talk to her and how close is he to her. If he has established an emotional bond with her, you need to discuss this with your fiance. Emotional cheating is something you have to define for yourself. However, if he's revealing things about himself and his life to this lady that he isn't discussing with you, I'd be hurt as hell if I were you.

 

This is not a good situation in any case. The biggest thing that bothers me is that you would have to come here to get answers when a talk with your guy would be the correct place to go. If you don't feel you can or if you feel he will hold back or not be straight with you, you are engaged to the wrong man!

[midori]

I can understand that at the moment remaining calm is not going to be easy, but try anyway.

 

I do believe that one can have a close friend of the opposite sex, and that person might even be someone that you can share certain things that you don't (immediately) tell your partner. I don't think it's cheating necessarily ... but of course it's a dangerous line to tread if you're not scrupulously aware of where you and your platonic friend stand, what your agendas are, etc.

 

I think your legitimate concern would be whether or not this woman is supportive of you and your relationship with your bf. If she is, maybe she's serving as a sounding board for your bf, and she might be doing you a favor in that regard.

 

I think that friends of the opposite sex ought to genuinely like their friend's partner, and even if the two ladies (or guys) don't become close themselves, the friendship & its activities ought to be something that all parties would be comfortable with if the partner were present. Building a friendship with anyone who's got a dislike of one's partner is a bad idea, but it's worse when the friend is a member of the opposite sex. So if she's not gung-ho about you and your bf as a couple, she's not an appropriate friend for him to have.

 

As for your other issues, you need to sort them out with your bf. Depending on a guy for money is not very wise in this day and age. Unplanned pregnancies complicate relationships and can lead to resentment, especially if one partner subsequently feels trapped in the relationship because of the kids. These things don't "just happen." Not trying to lecture or condescend, but from what you've written, you seem to see these things as not being within your control, or the results of choices you've made. If you feel helpless (which all told isn't surprising if you're about to give birth) you aren't going to be able to actively solve your problems.

 

Talk to your boyfriend. Try not to accuse him of infidelity or bad intentions. See where he's coming from and what his concerns are. It's a stressful time for you both. I'm not advising that you ignore your intuition; if you really think he's not being honest with you, there is surely a reason for that belief. But don't allow panic to escalate the situation.

[CityGyrl]

I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time with the impending birth of your baby. Childbirth should be a wonderful time not full of drama and stress. I think you should really be focusing in on the birth of your baby. But when you are well, you need to address your relationship issues with your boyfriend. I am concerned that he is communicating with this other woman things that are occuring in your relationship. If anything he should be talking to you solely. Not saying that he is guilty, but that is how infidelity gets started. A guy (or female) is stressed out about their living situation. They talk to someone who seems to listen and pay them the slightest bit of attention. All of a sudden they become the person they confide in and the person they can trust. Then the person believes that this person really has their best interests and than it goes downhill from there.

 

I'm not sure if there is anything you can do on your part but to give the relationship some time. You can also talk with him to see just how he feels about the relationship and where it is headed. A person can not be in a succesful relationship without two persons being commited. You need to see if he is still commited to making the relationship work. Have an open door policy where the two of you can discuss anything no matter what. Because if you leave it up to him, he's not going to do it and he will continue to go elsewhere.

 

He also should be taking care of the needs of his family. Do not let him off the hook. He helped create thos children and he should care for them. It's both his and your responsibility to care for them. And if it becomes difficult to get support than you go through the courts to get it But that's another story.

 

Good luck on the birth of your new baby.

[Mamma2twogirls]

Actually, I would LOVE to talk this out with him. I have already gone off on him, so, so much for remaining calm and not accusing him of cheating! But he also said some things Im not sure if I mentioned before, that he cant ever take back. Those things are constantly on my mind. Now, my mother, and a girlfriend of mine, are telling me I need to let go. Well, of course, because they have my interest at heart. That is why Im here thought, to get non biased opinions. Im thankful for all your kind words and advice. Unfortunately, he is avoiding me. Be it due to a guilty conscience, or because he TRULY doesnt want me anymore, I dont know. And the part about living so far away from eachother being so unfeasible, is so right. We really dont see eachother enough, but he used to tell me, do think about right now, think about what this will do for our future. Im just worried he has or is falling out of love with me. If that is the case, I will definitely back off, I refuse to make myself a fatal attraction case. I will see him this weekend, or atleast in the hospital for the birth of our daughter. I dont want to THROW myself at him anymore than I have, but I need answers. So far, I have given him all the answers to my questions. I need to hear HIS answers. And without all the anger present, because that was what brought on the evil words he cant take back. But, although he said them, and although he was talking to another female, I can forgive him if he can promise to be open with me. I just dont know if he still wants me. And again, he is avoiding me purposely by not answering my phone calls or messages. Anyone have some suggestions for the face to face we are about to encounter?

[Just A Girl2]

This might be sort of unrelated to your questions here...but I'm just curious....you've been with this guy for 6 yrs....you have one child together and another baby with him, on the way. Okay, so he works in another state...but then why aren't YOU in that other state WITH HIM....living as a family WITH HIM?

 

Or is it that you DO live together, but he just sort of, 'works out of town for periods'?

 

This woman he's talking to.....who is she? how did he meet her? You said you've confronted her....how did you find out who she was/her name/how to contact her? Did he freely offer that info or did you have to pry it out of him?..or is she someone you 'knew of'?

 

And what are these horrible things he said to you 'out of anger' that he just can't take back.......if you don't mind, it would be helpful to know...might give us more clues as to what's going on here.

[mamma2two]

We did live together for a while. I never wanted him to take this job, so the job was off and on for years, then finally I gave in because I love him so I was willing to follow him. We dont live together right now because of our financial situation, the plan was to move us out there with him in the next few months. But as far as why not now, its just the money situation.

 

The girl, used to work at the store he works at.... 3 YEARS AGO. Makes u wonder huh. Well, apparently, they talked a little, then lost touch, then he recently called her again in December. I found out with OUR phone bill, the fool didnt know I can see all the numbers we dial. She knows about me, she asked "This is his wife right?" When I called her. He says he didnt tell me because he knew how I would react. WELL NO KIDDING.

[Just A Girl2]

Hey, so you must be getting really close to delivering, hey?

 

Okay...don't mind me..but I think it's just totally weird that you've been together this many years, you're having your second child with him, and you don't live together. That just strikes me as odd. Financial issues aside, a "family" should be together. How can it be much of a relationship if you live apart like this? So you're going through this second pregnancy alone? (without him) What happens if you go into labor in the middle of the night...he's not even there to take you to the hospital?

 

Wouldn't it be more cost effective if you all lived under the same roof? Wherever he lives there, surely he must be paying some kind of rent..and you're paying rent for where you're living. Wouldn't it make sense to have only ONE rent between the two of you?

 

Do you think that maybe he's avoiding 'living together as a family' for more than the'financial reasons'?

 

He should be there each night to put your other daughter to bed with you....to be with you during your pregnancy.....to help the "mother of his child"...........this is all acceptable to you, this weird living arrangement?

 

How often do you get to see him?

[liamsac]

I'm in that kind of situation now. Though my wife isn't pregnant. We were thinking of separation awhile back because of financial concerns. But we have decided on me going to the capital to look for work and she stays in our province to take care of the kids.

 

 

We'll both somewhat be living rent -free because we would be staying in my parents house in the province and the capital. So that expense is out. We just need to get our life stabilized, meaning getting a regular paying job.

 

I have two kids also. They are on grandparents scholarship.

[Mamma2twogirls]

We live separated because I have financial problems here, that I need to resolve before we can physically BE together there. Now that the baby is here, and I am resolving those money troubles, we can soon go pretty much whenever we like. I couldnt leave because of insurance also, with the baby and all. Oh, and I had a c-section, so everything including his being here was planned.

 

Now I have stepped into something new. I found out I was worried about the wrong girl. There was a different girl. While he was here I checked his cell phone and found her number, her cell, and her FRIENDS number programmed into his phone. Well, he manages a buisness, so there are lots of numbers in the phone for those reasons, but why would an employer not only have home and cell, but the FRIENDS number of an employee. I DONT THINK SO.

 

I checked the last time he called her, it was in the evening AFTER the store was closed, and then again, there was a call made at 2am. Well, Obviously, thats a dead give away. I confronted him and he said she's a cashier. YAH RIGHT. So I told him, I knew, so he doesnt need to lie. I asked if she was the reason he doesnt want me anymore and he said no.

 

Well, yesterday I got my cell phone bill, which is normally $100 with the family plan we both SHARE, and the bill was for $1000.00....no, I didnt add too many zero's!!! I called our co. and they said the cost came from calls he was making to XXX-XXX-XXXX .....it was her number. I looked at the bill and there it was OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER and even back in December while we were still together. He made calls to here even up to the moment we saw eachother during Xmas, to the night he left.

 

I dont know anymore. I love him but he says he is confused and doesnt know what he wants. FINE TIME TO DECIDE U ARE UNSURE OF WHAT U WANT. How selfish is that! Then this morning, he calls me up and leaves a message saying he feels weird but he misses me and the girls and misses being a family that he loves me, and he knows Im mad, but to call him if I wanted to talk to him. WHAT THE HELL. You either know or you dont, there is no inbetween, how do I know he will love me tomorrow, or feel the same the day after that? Im so lost.