MM talks about W

[addicted2love]

Hi all, haven't posted here in a long time about my situation. Last fall D day happened for my MM and we didn't speak for months. Only very short emails on his part and many long emotional ones from me to him. Anyway we've been talking again via phone for about a month now. The past week or so he's been talking about his W a lot. How controling she is, how he does everything for her, gives her what ever she wants and she gives little in return. He complains a lot, tells me her opinions on different things as though he's looking to compare my opinion to hers. He says she and I are total opposites...like night and day. He says I'm easy to talk to...fun to be with etc. and she is not.

 

He's going through a difficult time right now. I know he needs someone he can trust to talk to about this stuff but I must say it hurts to hear a lot of what he tells me. I want him to be open and honest with me and I want to be there for him but when we hang up he feels better and I feel worse.

We've been in love with each other for over 17 years...(read my old posts for full story) but sometimes I think this is all too much for me to take.

 

I don't know...sometimes I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels with him and other times he makes me feel like he's ready to give up with her and really wants us to finally be happy together after all these years. I feel lost right now. I don't know how to talk to him about the way I feel about this...I don't want him to clam up.

[4whatItsWorth]

A2L, I am sorry that you are hurting. You said you have been in love for 17 years? Isn't that a LITTLE long for you to wait around for?

 

Regarding what he is doing, he is doing what all MMs do, and what he will continue to do as long as you let him - use you to make himself feel better.

 

If he hated things so much, why doesn't he leave his wife to be with you? Why didn't he do it years ago? Why do YOU allow him to only come around when his life is upside-down? Why don't you step down your foot and say "no more!"

 

I used to have a boyfriend who behaved like your MM. He'd only ever text/mail or call me if he was upset and needed someone to tell him how awesome he was. Eventually I told him he sucked and that I was never again gonna be his "help-24-hour-friendship-hotline" because I deserved a guy who cared enough to call me without asking me to pick up his pieces to make himself feel better.

 

You deserve that too. Tell the guy he can go tell his wife all that if she is the one he wants to be with. Because, looking at it, that is how it seems to be.

 

Trust me, from own experience, a guy who TRULY LOVES YOU WILL NOT TREAT YOU LIKE THIS.

 

Best of luck!

[addicted2love]

thanks 4wiw...I do feel like doing exactly what you've said and the opposite is true..I want to hang in there. Just to clearify...I haven't been waiting around for him for years. We were high school sweet hearts that never got over each other. He contacted me again almost a year ago and that's when the EA started. Problem is neither one of us know where to go from here. So for now we are just riding it out. Isn't easy and not cut and dry. I'm M too and we both have children.

 

He keeps saying there's a reason we couldn't get over each other, I wonder if it's to bring closure sometimes. Right now it's all just rubbing me the wrong way. He tells me how spoiled rotten she is, the things he does for her and it just hurts me.

[Jinxx]

He tells me how spoiled rotten she is, the things he does for her and it just hurts me.

 

Ouch! That is very hurtful! I completely understand your connection with him but it appears you are just torturing yourself by continuing on with this. Why is it that both of you cannot leave your marriages? The children? Trust me -- the kids do just fine after a divorce.

[addicted2love]

Ouch! That is very hurtful! I completely understand your connection with him but it appears you are just torturing yourself by continuing on with this. Why is it that both of you cannot leave your marriages? The children? Trust me -- the kids do just fine after a divorce.

 

I agree I'm a child of divorced parents and I am better for it. I just don't know what he wants from me or out of this "relationship" and I don't know how to ask him.

[Lizzie60]

I think you're reading way too much in this. To be honest with you, I think he's complaining but he's just not willing to leave her, he still loves her, I have a feeling he just needs a confident.

 

He says I'm easy to talk to...fun to be with etc. and she is not.

but he's with her.

 

He's going through a difficult time right now. I know he needs someone he can trust to talk to about this stuff ...

 

....he feels better and I feel worse.

 

We've been in love with each other for over 17 years... I think you've been in love with him more than him with you. He married someone else.

 

I don't know...sometimes I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels with him and other times he makes me feel like he's ready to give up with her and really wants us to finally be happy together after all these years.

 

He's playing you. I would bet you that he doesn't want to leave her, he wants someone else to confide and maybe more.

 

I feel lost right now. I don't know how to talk to him about the way I feel about this...I don't want him to clam up.

 

Have an open and honest discussion with him. what have you got to lose? Unless you're willing to be his mistress and go with the flow, I would suggest you end it completely, you will only end up hurting more.

[Jinxx]

I agree I'm a child of divorced parents and I am better for it. I just don't know what he wants from me or out of this "relationship" and I don't know how to ask him.

 

So you know first hand kids survive just fine with divorced parents.

 

You need to muster up the strength and confront him about this. You have known him for years so you have got that in your favor. Write it out and rehearse it. You deserve to know what MM's thoughts are on this. Time for him to be upfront and honest with you.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not too sure if I believe what he's saying about his wife...But, if it IS true, he should be talking to his wife, either sorting it out with her, going to marriage counselling or talking to her about separating or getting a divorce. It really serves no purpose for him to tell you how unhappy HE is in his marriage, yet he definately is using 'his marriage problems' to open the door abit more so you can walk back into his life.

 

Suggest to OM that he seeks professional help if he needs to sort out his problems with his wife. DO NOT become the shoulder he can put his head on. All that does is feed the feelings, builds the friendship back up.

 

If you want closure, end it NOW. Seriously, the reason why that connection is not going away is because you two won't let go of it and move on. Cut ALL ties with him, as much as it may hurt you, do it anyway...

 

It comes down to this, if he wasn't in the picture at all, would you be thinking of leaving your husband and getting a divorce?

 

Are you willing to throw away your marriage for this other man and your 17 year 'relationship' with him?

 

Sooner or later you're going to have to decide which man you want in your life. You can't keep your husband and have an on-going emotional affair with the OM. All it does is damage your own marriage, steals your energy and attention away from your husband, your marriage and your family unit.

[a4a]

Well how is your own M?

 

So many people like to have a fantasy part of their life. Perhaps this is his way of doing some emotional masturbation and using you for the material to emotionally get off to.

 

If his marriage was that hellish and his love for you was so perfect........ he would be with you. You however are great for him to indulge in fantasy and feed off of.

[whichwayisup]

Think about this too - Reverse the situation...

 

How would you feel if you found out your H was still lusting and inlove with a woman from his high school years. Telling her how selfish you are, how crappy the marriage is, how he cannot talk to you and how easy it is to talk to her...Imagine you stumbling across an email or hearing their conversation. Imagine busting him, having a D-day and then later in the future you find out that he's still very much in contact with her....How would you feel?

 

I'm not too sure if your H knows about all this, you talk about D-Day, but I assume D-Day was just his wife finding out about you? That's another thing, if he has promised her NC with you, WHY is he disrespecting her and the marriage?? He is NOT being honest with his wife, and I don't think he's being honest with you. It may not be malcious on his behalf, but it's definately selfishly and ego driven that he is talking to you again....

[addicted2love]

I know that what all of you are saying is mostly true. I know I shouldn't be his shoulder to cry on. Compared to his marriage mine isn't that bad. From the sounds of it they don't communicate very well at all...my marriage is pretty laid back and easy going...but it's got that old "room mate" aspect and I can't stand it. My H and I are very good friends and actually get along quite well but there is zero passion and very little intimacy inside or out of the bedroom. I know some will say that is why I continue on w/ MM but truth be told we live hundreds of miles apart so our A is mostly emotional.

 

It would be very difficult for either one of us to walk away from our marriages at this time....so we've both agreed to let things play out for a while and see how it goes. I won't give him an ultimatum because if he wants to leave her it has to be on his terms and because he wants to.

I'm sure he loves her and I love my H...but we are "in love" with each other. I know that some will say love the one you're with. I wish it were that easy for me to walk away from MM. This isn't someone I just met...we have a long history and a deep emotional connection to each other that has been there for years, regardless of time spent apart or NC.

 

Every time we go NC and then start up again it's like no time has past. We pick right back up where we left off, finish each others sentances etc.

Every time we've tried to let go we both feel worse. Hell I don't know I'm just rambeling now.

[whichwayisup]

...but it's got that old "room mate" aspect and I can't stand it.

Then DO something to change it...Don't rely on another man for your passion and fun. Go to marriage counselling, or at best, TELL your husband how you feel. My best guess is, he probably feels the same way.

 

Remember what it was that brought you two together years ago...There must have been sex, passion and love at the beginning, right? So, instead of focussing and wasting energy on a man who is NOT your husband, put that energy and focus into your own marriage and make it better.

[addicted2love]

Think about this too - Reverse the situation...

 

How would you feel if you found out your H was still lusting and inlove with a woman from his high school years. Telling her how selfish you are, how crappy the marriage is, how he cannot talk to you and how easy it is to talk to her...Imagine you stumbling across an email or hearing their conversation. Imagine busting him, having a D-day and then later in the future you find out that he's still very much in contact with her....How would you feel?

 

I'm not too sure if your H knows about all this, you talk about D-Day, but I assume D-Day was just his wife finding out about you? That's another thing, if he has promised her NC with you, WHY is he disrespecting her and the marriage?? He is NOT being honest with his wife, and I don't think he's being honest with you. It may not be malcious on his behalf, but it's definately selfishly and ego driven that he is talking to you again....

 

You are right...it isn't fair to her. And I don't have to put myself in her shoes. My H has cheated on me 3x. I know what it's like to be a BW....doesn't make it right that I've become an OW I know. I do think that both parties in an A are selfish and ego driven...not something I'm proud of and neither is MM. However you tend to justify it when you are emotionally neglected by your spouse for years on end.

[addicted2love]

Then DO something to change it...Don't rely on another man for your passion and fun. Go to marriage counselling, or at best, TELL your husband how you feel. My best guess is, he probably feels the same way.

 

Remember what it was that brought you two together years ago...There must have been sex, passion and love at the beginning, right? So, instead of focussing and wasting energy on a man who is NOT your husband, put that energy and focus into your own marriage and make it better.

 

been there, done that, bought the t-shirt! Seriously....my H and I are total opposites when it comes to passion, sex, lust etc. I want it, he could care less. No matter how much I talk, suggest, try to make things better...it takes two people to work together toward a common goal. I've done the work, he is comfortable w/ the statis quo.

[Tomcat33]

I know that what all of you are saying is mostly true. I know I shouldn't be his shoulder to cry on. Compared to his marriage mine isn't that bad. From the sounds of it they don't communicate very well at all...my marriage is pretty laid back and easy going...but it's got that old "room mate" aspect and I can't stand it. My H and I are very good friends and actually get along quite well but there is zero passion and very little intimacy inside or out of the bedroom. I know some will say that is why I continue on w/ MM but truth be told we live hundreds of miles apart so our A is mostly emotional.

 

It would be very difficult for either one of us to walk away from our marriages at this time....so we've both agreed to let things play out for a while and see how it goes. I won't give him an ultimatum because if he wants to leave her it has to be on his terms and because he wants to.

I'm sure he loves her and I love my H...but we are "in love" with each other. I know that some will say love the one you're with. I wish it were that easy for me to walk away from MM. This isn't someone I just met...we have a long history and a deep emotional connection to each other that has been there for years, regardless of time spent apart or NC.

 

Every time we go NC and then start up again it's like no time has past. We pick right back up where we left off, finish each others sentances etc.

Every time we've tried to let go we both feel worse. Hell I don't know I'm just rambeling now.

 

Hello addicted, I understand your situation and how hard it must be to cut it off. Do you realise that though your A has ended, everytime you open the door for him to vent about his married life, you are still engaging in an emotional affair? One way or another you are still having an affair with this man. Can I ask you what do you get out of it?

[Tomcat33]

Addicted: one more thing...

 

You know I understand you love this man, part of loving someone is being there for them in a time of need and to offer support in any way one can. This is what you do for a friend it it not? But would you consider a friend someone who only takes from you in their time of need and is not willing to offer you more than 50% of their friendship?

 

I think you are doing more harm than good to you and him, in reassuring him that you are there for him to love him and support him in his time of need. You see you are his soundboard and emotional escape from the trials and tribulations within the security of his life. He is putting off confronting his marital woes (if they do exist) by you enambling him to essentially use you as the receptor of his problems. If he knows you are always there, he will NEVER be prompted to decide for one life or the other, why would he? He knows he can get your love and support without having to do much in return for you. I know it's hard to see this while you are in it, but if you were to give a good friend advice and she were in your shoes what would you advice her?

[addicted2love]

Addicted: one more thing...

 

You know I understand you love this man, part of loving someone is being there for them in a time of need and to offer support in any way one can. This is what you do for a friend it it not? But would you consider a friend someone who only takes from you in their time of need and is not willing to offer you more than 50% of their friendship?

 

I think you are doing more harm than good to you and him, in reassuring him that you are there for him to love him and support him in his time of need. You see you are his soundboard and emotional escape from the trials and tribulations within the security of his life. He is putting off confronting his marital woes (if they do exist) by you enambling him to essentially use you as the receptor of his problems. If he knows you are always there, he will NEVER be prompted to decide for one life or the other, why would he? He knows he can get your love and support without having to do much in return for you. I know it's hard to see this while you are in it, but if you were to give a good friend advice and she were in your shoes what would you advice her?

 

He listens to me as well. I just don't complain much. I will say he was really a comfort to me recently...I lost someone in a tragic accident two weeks ago and his words were the only ones that truly comforted me. Not just because they were coming from him but because he remembered this person and helped me reflect on other relationships in my life that I hold dear and how they will change now that this person is gone. (long story) It isn't always just about him. He does listen and offer his opinion, advice etc. We do have great long conversations about all sorts of topics. We laugh quite a bit as well. Part of me feels like in the situation of an A emotional or other wise you have to take the bad with the good. I just don't know how to handle this particular topic. I don't talk to him about my H much. Maybe if I did he might have the same kind of feelings I'm having right now. Who knows.

 

I don't feel like he's making his situation out to be worse than it is. He tells me things other people (his mom, friends, etc.) have told him regarding his W and marriage. Most share a similar opinion as mine I just don't voice my opinion very often. I worry that he's going through a mid-life thing and that is the reason he looked me up again in the first place.

I understand that when men go through this stage in life they start to question everything and wonder if there are other "better" options out there. I hope that this isn't the case but I do worry. I'd like to talk to him about it openly but I don't know how to bring it up.

 

I will say it is definately my nature to be a good friend, to listen and care for those in need. It's part of who I am and always has been. He knows this...which is another reason I think he looked me up. He had a 50/50 shot that I would either tell him to get lost or that I would still be in love with him.

[scaredinlove]

Hi all, haven't posted here in a long time about my situation. Last fall D day happened for my MM and we didn't speak for months. Only very short emails on his part and many long emotional ones from me to him. Anyway we've been talking again via phone for about a month now. The past week or so he's been talking about his W a lot. How controling she is, how he does everything for her, gives her what ever she wants and she gives little in return. He complains a lot, tells me her opinions on different things as though he's looking to compare my opinion to hers. He says she and I are total opposites...like night and day. He says I'm easy to talk to...fun to be with etc. and she is not.

 

He's going through a difficult time right now. I know he needs someone he can trust to talk to about this stuff but I must say it hurts to hear a lot of what he tells me. I want him to be open and honest with me and I want to be there for him but when we hang up he feels better and I feel worse.

We've been in love with each other for over 17 years...(read my old posts for full story) but sometimes I think this is all too much for me to take.

 

I don't know...sometimes I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels with him and other times he makes me feel like he's ready to give up with her and really wants us to finally be happy together after all these years. I feel lost right now. I don't know how to talk to him about the way I feel about this...I don't want him to clam up.

 

 

I know exactaly how you feel, because my MM is doing the same and I felt horrible, he took for a crazy emotional rollocauster. But after a while I decided to detach myself from his problems and I feel better. First I told him I didn't want to hear about his problems at home . but he can't avoid telling me everything. One day he is ready to leave the next he is not. Now somehow I dettached myself from that, I listen to him but I don't let myself get involved, only in very feew instances I cannot avoid. The problem is that when he is complaning too much that little voice in the back of my head start to say" well, if he is so miserable way desen't he leave?" and than I get very frustaded like schaking him up. Maybe that is what makes you said, you wish he would stop being miserable and do something about it.

Just detach yourself from his problems, it is his choice to stay in a unhappy marriage. If you choose to be with him no matter what them you have to keep yourself out of his problems.

 

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!

[shellys-trying]

been there, done that, bought the t-shirt! Seriously....my H and I are total opposites when it comes to passion, sex, lust etc. I want it, he could care less. No matter how much I talk, suggest, try to make things better...it takes two people to work together toward a common goal. I've done the work, he is comfortable w/ the statis quo.[/QUOTE]

 

Here's a thought, if you aren't happy with your BH, get a D. Good simple advice.

How hard is that?

If it's that easy to have your A with your 17 yr long MM, then it should be a walk in the park to D your BH and get a new life. Whether your MM does the same is really up to him. Atleast you'll be less one boring hubby.

[addicted2love]

been there, done that, bought the t-shirt! Seriously....my H and I are total opposites when it comes to passion, sex, lust etc. I want it, he could care less. No matter how much I talk, suggest, try to make things better...it takes two people to work together toward a common goal. I've done the work, he is comfortable w/ the statis quo.[/QUOTE]

 

Here's a thought, if you aren't happy with your BH, get a D. Good simple advice.

How hard is that?

If it's that easy to have your A with your 17 yr long MM, then it should be a walk in the park to D your BH and get a new life. Whether your MM does the same is really up to him. Atleast you'll be less one boring hubby.

 

Simple advice in your opinion maybe but for me not so easy. In fact I don't know anyone who claims that there is such a thing as a "simple" or "easy" divorce.

[shellys-trying]

If you could go and have an A that easily, and easily make the choice everytime to keep having it, then yes, it is easy to get a D. And I don't have to go thru the same as you to know this. I don't hold to that BS.

 

Are you a cake eater in this situation? Do you like the option of having 2 men?

MM waiting whenever you can get a moment alone to spend luvvy dovey time with him?

Hubby at home, there when you feel like being wifely? But, when you don't feel like a wife you diss your BH because of his lack of feelings in your R.

 

It's simple really. D the hubby and wait for the MM to do the same with his BW.

 

I'm wondering, When are you going to give your H the choice of deciding whether he wants to be with a W who cheats?

[Tomcat33]

He listens to me as well. I just don't complain much. I will say he was really a comfort to me recently...I lost someone in a tragic accident two weeks ago and his words were the only ones that truly comforted me. Not just because they were coming from him but because he remembered this person and helped me reflect on other relationships in my life that I hold dear and how they will change now that this person is gone. (long story) It isn't always just about him. He does listen and offer his opinion, advice etc. We do have great long conversations about all sorts of topics. We laugh quite a bit as well. Part of me feels like in the situation of an A emotional or other wise you have to take the bad with the good. I just don't know how to handle this particular topic. I don't talk to him about my H much. Maybe if I did he might have the same kind of feelings I'm having right now. Who knows.

 

I don't feel like he's making his situation out to be worse than it is. He tells me things other people (his mom, friends, etc.) have told him regarding his W and marriage. Most share a similar opinion as mine I just don't voice my opinion very often. I worry that he's going through a mid-life thing and that is the reason he looked me up again in the first place.

I understand that when men go through this stage in life they start to question everything and wonder if there are other "better" options out there. I hope that this isn't the case but I do worry. I'd like to talk to him about it openly but I don't know how to bring it up.

 

I will say it is definately my nature to be a good friend, to listen and care for those in need. It's part of who I am and always has been. He knows this...which is another reason I think he looked me up. He had a 50/50 shot that I would either tell him to get lost or that I would still be in love with him.

 

 

Addicted: first and foremost I am sorry about your loss. When we lose a loved one or someone close to us, it puts in a very vulnerable state.

 

I read what you just explained and what you are telling us is that you both offer emotional comfort for one another, correct? You share a friendship of sorts and provide the support that each other needs. So my next question is, what is a problem for you? What is it that gets the wheels turning as you commmented on your original post?

 

I don't know...sometimes I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels with him and other times he makes me feel like he's ready to give up with her and really wants us to finally be happy together after all these years. I feel lost right now. I don't know how to talk to him about the way I feel about this...I don't want him to clam up

[addicted2love]

If you could go and have an A that easily, and easily make the choice everytime to keep having it, then yes, it is easy to get a D. And I don't have to go thru the same as you to know this. I don't hold to that BS.

 

Are you a cake eater in this situation? Do you like the option of having 2 men?

MM waiting whenever you can get a moment alone to spend luvvy dovey time with him?

Hubby at home, there when you feel like being wifely? But, when you don't feel like a wife you diss your BH because of his lack of feelings in your R.

 

It's simple really. D the hubby and wait for the MM to do the same with his BW.

 

I'm wondering, When are you going to give your H the choice of deciding whether he wants to be with a W who cheats?

 

These kind of comments are exactly why I haven't posted on LS for a while. I don't come on here to defend myself or my actions. You assume hubby is so wrong done by his unfaithful W. You obviously haven't done any research (reading old posts by me) before you speak your mind. Hubby has cheated 3X and I've kept him around and tried to work on the marriage. MM is an ex BF from years ago who does not even live in the same state so that "lovey dovey" time you refer to is not a possibility. Might want to ask questions and get more facts before you assume.

[addicted2love]

Addicted: first and foremost I am sorry about your loss. When we lose a loved one or someone close to us, it puts in a very vulnerable state.

 

I read what you just explained and what you are telling us is that you both offer emotional comfort for one another, correct? You share a friendship of sorts and provide the support that each other needs. So my next question is, what is a problem for you? What is it that gets the wheels turning as you commmented on your original post?

 

Tomcat...thank you for your condolences. I guess right now I feel like I'm at a turning point in my life. I'm questioning everything. I have a solid friendship and am deeply in love w/ a man I've loved for years but he isn't mine. I know that we are well suited for each other and that we would be happy together but we would hurt a lot of people for our own happiness.

 

I don't view myself as a "cake eater" as someone else posted. That isn't what I want at all. This isn't someone I casually met and fell in love with. This is someone I have a history with. I'm just lost in trying to figure out if this has the potential to be a happy ending or if I am in for a world of hurt.

[Chrome Barracuda]

These kind of comments are exactly why I haven't posted on LS for a while. I don't come on here to defend myself or my actions. You assume hubby is so wrong done by his unfaithful W. You obviously haven't done any research (reading old posts by me) before you speak your mind. Hubby has cheated 3X and I've kept him around and tried to work on the marriage. MM is an ex BF from years ago who does not even live in the same state so that "lovey dovey" time you refer to is not a possibility. Might want to ask questions and get more facts before you assume.

 

two wrongs dont make a right, you know this. If you dont love your husband due to hisaffairs why dont you just tell him. The reason why you don like posting here is because some peple tell the truth. and the truth is cheating and infidelity is extremely harmful to the marriage. Because not only does your husband cheating is wrong, you turn around and do it as well.

 

What if the MM's wife show's up on your doorstep one day. Explaining everything. What happens if she exposed your affair to everyone and whipped your ass in your house because your going for her husband?

 

Would you blame her? would you fight her back? would you be scared?

 

Do you know that people that engage in these affairs do not always think clearly. Do you really think this man, your ex-boyfriend is gonna leave his wife for you? Your stuck in this fantasy and it's time to wake up!