MM talks about W

[shellys-trying]

These kind of comments are exactly why I haven't posted on LS for a while. I don't come on here to defend myself or my actions. You assume hubby is so wrong done by his unfaithful W. You obviously haven't done any research (reading old posts by me) before you speak your mind. Hubby has cheated 3X and I've kept him around and tried to work on the marriage. MM is an ex BF from years ago who does not even live in the same state so that "lovey dovey" time you refer to is not a possibility. Might want to ask questions and get more facts before you assume.

 

 

My Gawd! Even more of a reason to D your H, then. What are you waiting for?

If you don't care and your H has cheated and doesn't care, get your D.

 

If you have kids(and no, I haven't kept up with your story-past anyway)then by all means, leave. Your kids need a stable home. You or your H are NOT giving them that, or yourselves.

I call it as I see it, btw, assuming be damned! That's how I am. I don't mince words or pander to feelings. And hanging around after your H has cheated 3X, and going on to have an A of your own, isn't working on your M. Just wanted to clarify that part of your statement. I'm not assuming that part, am I?

 

Get your D and you might live a better life. Obviously you and H don't care about each other. :

[Tomcat33]

Tomcat...thank you for your condolences. I guess right now I feel like I'm at a turning point in my life. I'm questioning everything. I have a solid friendship and am deeply in love w/ a man I've loved for years but he isn't mine. I know that we are well suited for each other and that we would be happy together but we would hurt a lot of people for our own happiness.

 

I don't view myself as a "cake eater" as someone else posted. That isn't what I want at all. This isn't someone I casually met and fell in love with. This is someone I have a history with. I'm just lost in trying to figure out if this has the potential to be a happy ending or if I am in for a world of hurt.

 

 

Ok good now you are rationalizing your feelings, this will give you a little more clarity. What I get from what you are saying is that you are very confused right now because you have too many things going on that are making you question your own well being your happiness and what step to take next.

 

More importantly than thinking of all the people you would hurt, which is valid to consider, I think you would benefit from focusing on yourself. You can't make any healthy decisions if you are not sound and strong of mind. By focusing on all others involved yow will dig yourself deeper in the hole. The fact that this man you are so emotionally intertwined is not going to leave his W should play a big part in helping you decide how to steer your situation. And by the looks of it you are not ready to leave your H either. I'm not sure why you are holding on to your H and trying so hard to work on the marriage if he cheated on you so many times and he is not filling your needs in many aspects as you noted in your posts above?

 

I think first things first. It appears that you are neglecting to deal with one situation by creating another situation that though it finds you solace on one the hand, it complicates and digs you deeper into the hole on the other.

 

Addicted, I think you would benefit from starting at a very basic point of drawing out a table of pros and cons for each relationship. Why you should stay with your H why you should keep your EA man around.

Then you might want to consider the benfits the TRUE benefits of keeping a tight emotional tie with a man who cannot be with you but which you also love romatically, vs finding a friend to confide in for your time of need.

 

Think of it this way, there is a reason why friendship does not work emediately after a break up, in praticular for the person being dumped, its because that person always expects more and friendship alone is a way of not letting go but ultimately destroys you emotionally knowing you cannot be togehter. Your situation is similar.

 

The reason you feel so confused so lost is because there are just too many things to consider right now that through a process of elimination you should give closure to in order to re-gain some mental strength. And I know it's not as simple as leave him and go with him or what have you...but you really do have to weigh out the TRUE benefits of each situation and how it adds or detracts from your presonal happiness.

 

Friendship is great but not if you feel you need something more and the other person is not giving you that, then in my books that's not a true friendship. It's not balanced.

[addicted2love]

Tomcat....thank you for the most solid and objective advice I've recieved so far. While pointing out facts that I already know you have kindly given me food for thought. I appreciate your honesty and humanity during this very confusing time in my life. I also appreciate that unlike others you are not harsh about your approach while giving this advice. It is so much easier to focus on the advice given when it isn't directed in a "truth hurts so just deal with it" manner. I hope others can take a lesson from you. What is your profession if you don't mind me asking?

[shellys-trying]

I also appreciate that unlike others you are not harsh about your approach while giving this advice.

 

I don't know if you're referring to me in this sentence, but I don't pussyfoot around subjects for anyone.

You get advice and opinions on here then you whine about taking it. Oh, woe is you!

Sorry you don't like posters "harsh" opinions. Tough! Get a therapist. maybe he/she will pander to what you wanna hear. I won't.

 

Good luck, Hun, you'll need it.

[Tomcat33]

Tomcat....thank you for the most solid and objective advice I've recieved so far. While pointing out facts that I already know you have kindly given me food for thought. I appreciate your honesty and humanity during this very confusing time in my life. I also appreciate that unlike others you are not harsh about your approach while giving this advice. It is so much easier to focus on the advice given when it isn't directed in a "truth hurts so just deal with it" manner. I hope others can take a lesson from you. What is your profession if you don't mind me asking?

 

You're welcome Addictedtolove

 

And thank you for your kind words, I sort of went off on a tangent and wasn't sure if I even made sense (was trying to do work at the same time). I can see that you are in pain and I also understand that everything I have said, you already know. Sometimes we just need to be heard. The catharsis comes in having our feelings acknowledged and being in the situation that you are in I can imagine there are not a lot of places you can turn to for advice. I know, I was there myself.

 

I believe we know what's right and what's wrong and it's not my place to point that out to you. You are a smart woman you are just at a crossroads and overwhlemed with a situation that has surpassed you so you need to regain control of your situation and of your self. The idea that you turned here for some answers is a step in the right direction in that you are open to feedback, you want to fix whatever you feel is wrong. You are acknowledging your unhapiness. So it's pointless for me to reflect back to you what is right and wrong or to criticize your choices because I don't know what's right and wrong for you. You'll determine that on your own and through your own level of strength and experiences. I believe the answer will come from within, so I encourage you to focus on yourself and not so much in providing emotional support for the men in your life (that being your OM or your H). that is just my observation.

When you regain strength you regain clarity.

 

My profession has nothing to do with giving advice, I have limited experience in providing guidance for pre-teens. I did some volunteer work with kids of single parent low income households and it has taught me a lot. I work in communications but in a different realm, my profession has however taught me to actively listen. So when I see a person that is looking for advice what I also see is a person simply looking to be heard.

 

I'm not a fan of "tough love" that to me doesn't help it just makes a person who is already feeling very low, feel even lower. Kicking someone when they are down is bullying, not helping. (this was a general comment so I hope I didn't offen anyone with that comment, it's my opinion that doesn't mean it's right or wrong)

[addicted2love]

Tomcat you mention strength...normally I am a very strong person. Right now my strength is very low. This recent loss I've suffered has made me question everything. The person who died was my stepfather. I've known him all my life and he was killed by a drunk driver. I'm currently watching my mother (also a very strong woman) grieve for her husband. My step father died with no regrets and no ammends to make with anyone. When you lose someone close to you suddednly and tragicly like this you tend to take a long hard look at your own life.

 

Shelly...I really don't care what you think of me or my situation. Call me what you want, be as "harsh" as you want to be. I hope for you that next time you need some advice during a difficult time in your life someone is nicer to you than you've been to me.

[Tomcat33]

Tomcat you mention strength...normally I am a very strong person. Right now my strength is very low. This recent loss I've suffered has made me question everything. The person who died was my stepfather. I've known him all my life and he was killed by a drunk driver. I'm currently watching my mother (also a very strong woman) grieve for her husband. My step father died with no regrets and no ammends to make with anyone. When you lose someone close to you suddednly and tragicly like this you tend to take a long hard look at your own life.

 

Shelly...I really don't care what you think of me or my situation. Call me what you want, be as "harsh" as you want to be. I hope for you that next time you need some advice during a difficult time in your life someone is nicer to you than you've been to me.

 

 

Ohhh A2L I'm so sorry for your loss, I truly am. I can only imagine how hard that mut be. It's too much for you right now, it really is.

 

I know what you mean about strength, like I said you sound like a smart woman, you sound like someone who under normal cirumstances would be doing what I am doing now, offering words of strength. I know exactly what you are feeling, it's how I felt when I came to LS I felt so lost so out of my own self, like I had been living above and beyond myself for quite some time, it is a very hard road and it's a slippery sloap that is very hard to see the harm because "we are in love" I'm not saying we weren't but the fact that you are in love with someone that right now is so wrong for you is really hard to see simply becaue of the love you share with him. And you are both in the same boat on opposite ends of the spectrum. So I understand all too well the strength or lack there of that you are speaking of.

 

Are you in therapy at all? I ask because it's just too much for you to deal with right now, too much grief and pain to deal with on your own. You are trying to support your mother while dealing with your onw feelings of your step dad's passing and on top of that all your other situation. I think turning to your MM is a double edged sword, yes he can provide emotional support but he also contributes to the problem, it reminds you of what you cannot have. How do you it?

[Ripples]

A2L, can I ask, why does it bother you when he bad mouths his wife to you? Is it because he is showing that he must be a pretty nasty person to do that?

[stillafool]

Hi all, haven't posted here in a long time about my situation. Last fall D day happened for my MM and we didn't speak for months. Only very short emails on his part and many long emotional ones from me to him. Anyway we've been talking again via phone for about a month now. The past week or so he's been talking about his W a lot. How controling she is, how he does everything for her, gives her what ever she wants and she gives little in return. He complains a lot, tells me her opinions on different things as though he's looking to compare my opinion to hers. He says she and I are total opposites...like night and day. He says I'm easy to talk to...fun to be with etc. and she is not.

 

He's going through a difficult time right now. I know he needs someone he can trust to talk to about this stuff but I must say it hurts to hear a lot of what he tells me. I want him to be open and honest with me and I want to be there for him but when we hang up he feels better and I feel worse.

We've been in love with each other for over 17 years...(read my old posts for full story) but sometimes I think this is all too much for me to take.

 

I don't know...sometimes I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels with him and other times he makes me feel like he's ready to give up with her and really wants us to finally be happy together after all these years. I feel lost right now. I don't know how to talk to him about the way I feel about this...I don't want him to clam up.

 

Tell this creep you are not his therapist and if he wants to talk to someone about the marriage (he destroyed) he should get a professional. He is just using you to get back in to bed. You owe him nothing so give him nothing. He is not going to change or leave. If he were that unhappy he would have left his wife by now. He is playing the same old game all cheating MM play. Don't get caught up again. Go total NC on him and move on with your life before you waste another 17 years.

[vanilla chai]

 

Simple advice in your opinion maybe but for me not so easy. In fact I don't know anyone who claims that there is such a thing as a "simple" or "easy" divorce.

 

Just as easy as having a affair on your spouse you can divorce.

[Salicious Crumb]

Hi all, haven't posted here in a long time about my situation. Last fall D day happened for my MM and we didn't speak for months. Only very short emails on his part and many long emotional ones from me to him. Anyway we've been talking again via phone for about a month now. The past week or so he's been talking about his W a lot. How controling she is, how he does everything for her, gives her what ever she wants and she gives little in return. He complains a lot, tells me her opinions on different things as though he's looking to compare my opinion to hers. He says she and I are total opposites...like night and day. He says I'm easy to talk to...fun to be with etc. and she is not.

 

He's going through a difficult time right now. I know he needs someone he can trust to talk to about this stuff but I must say it hurts to hear a lot of what he tells me. I want him to be open and honest with me

 

LOL...you want him to be honest with you? He's a cheater, that will never happen.