Jinxx Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 STBEXH and I have been separated since last summer. Many problems and issues (I strayed, he doesn't know) but we are both thinking about trying again. He just got out the hospital (damned near died from internal bleeding) so he is in a world of hurt financially with mounting medical bills. The pros of course would be the finiancial security as well as our common interests and hobbies. The cons -- well I'm just not physically attracted to him any longer. He let himself go and is extremely overweight and unhealthy -- that is probably why he ended up almost dead. I'm torn. My bio-daughter (his stepdaughter) wants so badly to move back to our home. So do I. I miss it terribly and I'm not ready to sell our house because of divorce and neither is he. I think we could make it work. I did tell him I expect both of to go to marriage counselling, something he previously against years ago when all the trouble started. Am I nuts for even considering this? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 You already cheated on him and will probably do it again so why force something that is not there. Only try again if you are really willing to give it a real effort, be faithful and take it seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Dante Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 You already cheated on him and will probably do it again so why force something that is not there. Only try again if you are really willing to give it a real effort, be faithful and take it seriously. Touché! If you aren't physically attracted to him... just let it go. Hitting the gym might work and all that but if you already cheated on him once... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jinxx Posted May 2, 2007 Author Share Posted May 2, 2007 You already cheated on him and will probably do it again so why force something that is not there. Only try again if you are really willing to give it a real effort, be faithful and take it seriously. I am willing to make an 100% effort only if he does, meaning he needs to lose weight and adhere to a strict diet otherwise I'll be a widow in a few years. He knows this. As far as cheating -- nope, done it and I'm off that roller coaster for good. I have other interests in my life to keep occupied. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jinxx Posted May 2, 2007 Author Share Posted May 2, 2007 Touché! If you aren't physically attracted to him... just let it go. Hitting the gym might work and all that but if you already cheated on him once... If he lost weight and started taking care of himself then that might change. He has been instructed by his doctor to follow a strict diet and get in shape. I'm willing to help him with this (I am very disciplined in what I eat) so that might be an added bonus for both us us. I want to put the cheating behind me and leave it in the past where it belongs. I've been alone since last summer and have had plenty of opportunities to date and meet other men. I'm just not interested. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 If his health problems are related to his weight he might be able to get his insurance to cover some sort of weight loss program. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jinxx Posted May 2, 2007 Author Share Posted May 2, 2007 If his health problems are related to his weight he might be able to get his insurance to cover some sort of weight loss program. This is a good point and I will have him ask doctor about this when he goes back in this week. I hope he can take this seriously though. He is the type that once he starts feeling good again then he'll start up with the bad eating habits. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 "you" have to put 100% into making this work, "he" has to put 100% into making it work. As for his weight that is something he is going to have to do for himself, just because the doctor told him he has to do something about it means he will. Look how many people still smoke even though they know it is bad. You can be supportive but "you" can't make him do it. If he doesn't work on his weight, how will that make you feel? Can you except him for who he is? If you have been separated for that long you know it will take time, make sure you get all your issues out on the table and going to MC will be a good thing. Take it slow, don't expect it to change overnight. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jinxx Posted May 2, 2007 Author Share Posted May 2, 2007 If he doesn't work on his weight, how will that make you feel? Can you except him for who he is? Take it slow, don't expect it to change overnight. Well if he doesn't do something about his weight he just might end up dead in a few years -- he is only 43. And his weight issue is not genetic. It is his poor eating habits. So eventually that could be a deal breaker but since we have a lot of history together, I am willing to give it my best shot and hope for a positive outcome. He and only he can make the necessary changes for a healthy lifestyle. I can help out and lend support as needed but ultimately it is up to him to deal with this. He thinks he is athletic and not fat. I am going to take it very slow. He knows this. I figure by the end of the year and with some MC, we'll have some idea of the direction we are meant to go. Link to post Share on other sites
Lezbean Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 I haven't read the word LOVE yet in any of your posts in here. Do you still love each other? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jinxx Posted May 2, 2007 Author Share Posted May 2, 2007 I haven't read the word LOVE yet in any of your posts in here. Do you still love each other? He loves me -- tells me all the time. I love him but not the way he loves me... I never did love him the way I should but became emotionally attached to him and we are good friends. Maybe that is settling for less but we made the best of things given we put too families together, something extremely difficult to do. It is too early at this time to determine what the outcome will be but I'm willing to try and work through our issues and so is he. Link to post Share on other sites
NorCalDave Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 STBEXH and I have been separated since last summer. Many problems and issues (I strayed, he doesn't know) but we are both thinking about trying again. He just got out the hospital (damned near died from internal bleeding) so he is in a world of hurt financially with mounting medical bills. The pros of course would be the finiancial security as well as our common interests and hobbies. The cons -- well I'm just not physically attracted to him any longer. He let himself go and is extremely overweight and unhealthy -- that is probably why he ended up almost dead. I'm torn. My bio-daughter (his stepdaughter) wants so badly to move back to our home. So do I. I miss it terribly and I'm not ready to sell our house because of divorce and neither is he. I think we could make it work. I did tell him I expect both of to go to marriage counselling, something he previously against years ago when all the trouble started. Am I nuts for even considering this? I think so, yes. It sounds like you are settling. My ex is going back to her ex in a pretty similar scenario. She admitted to me a little while back that if she ever did go back to him, it would be only for his $$, and she's not even physically attracted to him. It is just more convenient. He is alone, she is alone, they have a history, he's got all this $$, she has none, and they still enjoy each other's company. I told her a week ago when she told me she's really considering going back to him, "You will not be happy, and you know it." I haven't talked to her since so I don't know if she is going to do it or not, but I have a feeling she will simply settle, because of convenience. So sad. Don't do the same thing, I predict you will regret it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jinxx Posted May 2, 2007 Author Share Posted May 2, 2007 I think so, yes. It sounds like you are settling. My ex is going back to her ex in a pretty similar scenario. She admitted to me a little while back that if she ever did go back to him, it would be only for his $$, and she's not even physically attracted to him. It is just more convenient. He is alone, she is alone, they have a history, he's got all this $$, she has none, and they still enjoy each other's company. I told her a week ago when she told me she's really considering going back to him, "You will not be happy, and you know it." I haven't talked to her since so I don't know if she is going to do it or not, but I have a feeling she will simply settle, because of convenience. So sad. Don't do the same thing, I predict you will regret it. Yes, I agree I would be settling to some degree. But I am financially secure -- I make almost as much money as he does and am capable of supporting myself but of course easier with two incomes. We really are in the infant stages right now of deciding anything. So do you think there is a chance that your ex might change her mind after being back with her ex? Even with history, convenience, etc. there is still a lot of baggage, something I'm struggling with right now. She might realize this too and eventually find her way back to you. Link to post Share on other sites
NorCalDave Posted May 2, 2007 Share Posted May 2, 2007 Yes, I agree I would be settling to some degree. But I am financially secure -- I make almost as much money as he does and am capable of supporting myself but of course easier with two incomes. We really are in the infant stages right now of deciding anything. So do you think there is a chance that your ex might change her mind after being back with her ex? Even with history, convenience, etc. there is still a lot of baggage, something I'm struggling with right now. She might realize this too and eventually find her way back to you. Yes, I think it is highly probable she will not go back to him. She didn't exactly look ecstatic when she told me the news. In fact, she looked miserable and confused. She didn't exactly look like someone glowing and eager and in love. She looked desperate and down to her last resort. After we finished yelling at each other, I called her a few hours later when we were both calmed down, and I told her "Baby, you've already been down this path, you had him and his money before and you ended up running off with me. For both of your sakes, don't do it again, you won't be happy. Financially secure, yes, but nothing is for free. He will pay for everything but then he will exert his control over you and you are not one to be controlled, etc." Her last words to me in that conversation were "Nothing's for sure", meaning, them getting back together is not a for sure thing. She recently quit her night job and is probably struggling to pay her bills/rent. So she probably started thinking about how it would be easier to just give up and settle and allow him to pay her bills. The thing is, she's gone that route before, realized she wasn't totally happy with him, and then she breaks up with him, and he torments her and asks for his $$ back and threatens her and stuff. I am just so amazed that she is even considering going back to him after he was going to sue her in small claims court for $1000 in insurance $$ that he paid for while they were together. Now she's going BACK to him???? She might have reconsidered and changed her mind, but if she does go back to him she'll be setting up both of them for some serious pain. Because she WILL leave him again. And he will go nuts again and ask for his $$ back and claim that she's using him and stuff. What a horrible cycle. What is she thinking????? Please don't make the same mistake... Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted May 4, 2007 Share Posted May 4, 2007 I am willing to make an 100% effort only if he does, meaning he needs to lose weight and adhere to a strict diet otherwise I'll be a widow in a few years. He knows this. As far as cheating -- nope, done it and I'm off that roller coaster for good. I have other interests in my life to keep occupied. If you're 100% willing, then you must tell him about your affair. Otherwise it will all be a lie! He deserves to know who he will be getting into a relationship with, it's his right! It doesn't matter if you were separated either! Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 STBEXH and I have been separated since last summer. Many problems and issues (I strayed, he doesn't know) but we are both thinking about trying again. He just got out the hospital (damned near died from internal bleeding) so he is in a world of hurt financially with mounting medical bills. The pros of course would be the finiancial security as well as our common interests and hobbies. The cons -- well I'm just not physically attracted to him any longer. He let himself go and is extremely overweight and unhealthy -- that is probably why he ended up almost dead. I'm torn. My bio-daughter (his stepdaughter) wants so badly to move back to our home. So do I. I miss it terribly and I'm not ready to sell our house because of divorce and neither is he. I think we could make it work. I did tell him I expect both of to go to marriage counselling, something he previously against years ago when all the trouble started. Am I nuts for even considering this? If you are not physically attracted to him, why bother? If you are going to try, then at least tell him that he needs to get back into shape. Communication, communication, communication. Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 STBEXH and I have been separated since last summer. Many problems and issues (I strayed, he doesn't know) but we are both thinking about trying again. He just got out the hospital (damned near died from internal bleeding) so he is in a world of hurt financially with mounting medical bills. The pros of course would be the finiancial security as well as our common interests and hobbies. The cons -- well I'm just not physically attracted to him any longer. He let himself go and is extremely overweight and unhealthy Well that should settle your question right there...he isn't good looking enough for you...he'd just become the ex again. Best to stay away....for his sake. Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 I am willing to make an 100% effort only if he does. It won't be good enough...you are too superficial for him. You already said in another thread that being attractive is the most important thing. He isn't attractive to you, so just leave him alone. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 If you're 100% willing, then you must tell him about your affair. Otherwise it will all be a lie! He deserves to know who he will be getting into a relationship with, it's his right! It doesn't matter if you were separated either! I categorically disagree with this! It's over and done with and should not be dug up. for if it is, it can only provoke more pain and ruin every chance there might exist for a successful reunion. It will not serve any purpose at ll, al least not a positive one. She says she is ready to give it her best shot and I believe her. Her affair should not be an encumbrance to the goal they have set as a couple. Just my opinion! Link to post Share on other sites
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