What do I do? Anything would be appreciated. Thanks!

[kalialani]

Hi There,

 

My name is Kristi and I am new. I am having quite the dilemma regarding making contact with my ex. I would so appreciate any help you have to offer. Here is my story:

 

I'll be 28 next month and my ex is 31. We were together over 2 1/2 years and he broke up with me the day before Valentine's. This man really hung in there for me. He broke up with after many attempts at supporting me and trying to help me create a life for myself. He says that I pushed him to this because I did not follow through with things I said I would and this made him lose confidence in me. It is obviously more complicated than that but basically I scared him in the beginning of our relationship coming into the situation with baggage for example an eating disorder. I have now overcome this and other issues with the help of a therapist I still see. These things don't just disappear over night though. I am in a "process" just like everyone else only what I realize now is that there are some very basic life skills that I lack and no one should have to suffer in a relationship because of that. While we were together he also began therapy and began to work on not capitulating and accommodating people that were draining him... ie. his Mom, Dad and eventually me. I am happy that he is taking care of himself. I really tried but I just couldn't seem to put myself together in time to save our relationship.

 

When he broke up with me, he begged me to please become self sufficient and to learn to make myself happy.... to actively pursue my schooling and career goals instead of not really moving ahead with my life. He expressed that he is really angry with me because this is not what he wanted. He gave me many chances beforehand but I just couldn't come to the plate in time. He said that he loves me and wants to have coffee in six months and is begging me to get myself together so that we may have a chance.

 

So I moved out (to my parents) and he said that having no contact is best for him to heal. Of course I suggested that I move out and we still see each other, but he said no contact. One of my problems however is that he continues to contact me. The first time, because I had "important" mail to pick up. I really blew it that time. When I went over he began to cry and tell me how much he missed me. He reached to hold me and one thing lead to another...you know the rest. Needless to say I regained my dignity when I needed to drop off $ for the last of the bills a few days later. I gave it to the neighbor to give to him instead of going in to see him. I got a phone call 5 minutes later. He wanted to know why I didn't come in and I expressed that I shouldn't have slept with him. I said we are not committed and it wasn't right for me. He began to cry again and tell me that the only thing getting him through this is the thought that we could be together in the future. He said our wheel is not broken, there are just some spokes out of place. I told him that its very difficult for me to move on and yet still hold on to the possibility of us. I said I don't know if I can do that. The truth is though, no matter how hard I try, the love I feel for him has not lessened one bit. Soon after that phone call, I get an email asking how my grandfather was after he had heart surgery. I replied with a very brief and polite email back. I did not leave an open window for him to respond. So this brings me to now. After that email we had about a month of no contact until yesterday...he called to say that there is more mail. During the conversation I confessed to doing something I was ashamed of: I had checked his email several times when I noticed his password was stored in my computer. (I have since rebooted and stopped.) I knew I was risking my potential future with him by telling him but I knew it was the honest and right thing to do. If we ever do have a chance it should be based on honesty. Well you know what he says...he has been doing the same thing! I was obviously relieved but it really shows the immaturity and lack of trust on both of our parts. Nevertheless, we ended up talking for an hour or more about our lives, how we are feeling about us, and how we still care. He told me that he doesn't really care about the mail...he just wanted to see how I was. He again said he is angry at me and that he's not happy to be back in "singles scene." He said "I didn't ask for this!" He said "All my friends are getting married and thats what I wanted." We had talked of marriage often when we were together. He said the key is that we need to learn how to hold onto ourselves individually when or if we get back together. He also said to call him anytime, he wants to be there for me. He even said that he changed phone carriers and that we could talk for free now that he is with the same one I'm with. The bottom line is that he is the one who said no contact! I have respected this.

 

I know that we cannot reconcile right now. We both have a lot of growing up to do and if I want to be with him I need to show him I can be an adult and stand on my own two feet. I need to move out of my parents and get self sufficient! I also know that we are both free to see other people. I have no interest in this and he says the same. How can I be sure of this though? I can't. So the issue is that I really love him and he says the same, yet I can't be with him. I miss him so much. I will see him Thursday; I have some of his stuff to give him and I'll pick up my mail. I feel confused and am not sure how to be. Is the circumstance one where its ok for us to say these affectionate things or be affectionate? I definately want to hug him and sit and talk with him. What would you guys do? Any advice you have about any of this will be so greatly appreciated. I was also wondering if you have any tips regarding goal reaching, procrastination or self development. This is such a long post to read and if I can do anything for you please let me know. Thanks so much!

[Jinxx]

It sounds like both of you are having a hard time letting the relationship go, him more than you.

 

You seem to be on the right path. Continue with therapy to work through your issues. If you have a good therapist, he/she will be able to assist you in gaining the strength you need to move forward with your life.

 

I would also stick to the NC for now and maybe set a date in the next six months to see where you both are at.

[Guest]

I have been in a similar situation but I was in your ex's shoes. I had to let him go..not because I don't love him or want to be with him.

 

I was moving one direction and I cant support him for the rest of my life. He still lives at home, no work, no car, no nothing..He grew up really poor and has tried to work at getting a job and all but it always falls through and he always has excuses. He is a smart, great guy but I know that he will always stay the way he is and I cant support it.

 

In your case, I would let him go. If you wanted to work it out, you would have done what he wanted you to by now. I know its cruel to say that but think about it.

 

Let him go. It is best for him and you. Soon you will both find someone else and you two can be good friends. I am that way with my ex now and its great. I love him and wish it would have worked but we went two different directions and I still want him in my life. And I have let him go and now I can finally have him in as a friend. It was really hard to do it but it worked out.