hes almost divorced...

[ladyviola]

ive been dating him for a few months now, during this time hes going through the divorce from a 10 year marriage. the wife cheated on him so hes the one who called it off, but still i know hes hurt and its a lot for him to handle.

 

in the mean time, we hooked up and i know he likes me a lot, but he is in an uncertain stage in his life where he just wants a fresh start. not that im wanting marriage and kids right away, but his "i dont knows" are not making me feel very secure.

 

i understand that they want to be friends, but i cant help but feel jealous when they do spend time together. im really finding it hard to be supportive without feeling hurt myself. and yet i dont want to tell him this because i know he is going through enough already.

 

he says he likes me a lot, but he is confused about what he wants. he wants to move away from here because it all reminds him of his ex. he said he would like me to move with me, but i am not sure if im just a distraction for him, and that moving together would be too much.

 

i like him so much, i really do. i would really do anything for him, but i am afraid that i will end up getting hurt. i dont want to break up, but i dont want to push him either. what should i do?

[quankanne]

just play it cool for the time being. Meaning, don't start planning even a semi-future with this guy until he produces a divorce decree and he is free to tell you he wants to date. Becuase until then, his butt is legally still his wife's.

 

you didn't mention if they had kids, that's often the biggest reason former spouses stay in contact. If she wants to remain on good terms with him, she's a big-hearted woman, because she may want the best for him. So don't overly worry about it at this point, just enjoy your time with him. Because right now, his brain and emotions are all over the place with this impending divorce, and decisions really cannot be binding because of this.

[sunshinegirl]

Hi ladyviola,

 

I am in a similar situation - dating someone who is "almost divorced" from his (ex-)wife of 12 years. She cheated on him. Just a couple of comments:

 

i understand that they want to be friends, but i cant help but feel jealous when they do spend time together.

 

Why are you jealous? He is divorcing her. And will likely have to have contact with her until the divorce is final. Does he say or do things that indicate that he hopes for a reconciliation?

 

i would really do anything for him, but i am afraid that i will end up getting hurt.

 

Please make sure that he does not become the center of your universe. I think it is unhealthy, so early on, for you to say you would do "anything" for him. Would he do "anything" for you? There's a saying I hear every now and then that makes some sense in your situation: don't make someone your priority when they are only making you their option.

 

Best wishes.

[ladyviola]

It is early, but i have fallen really hard. we have already talked about moving which would be more for him than for me, but he did say he cant stay for just me. so no, i guess he wont just do anything for me, at least not for now. which i can understand, hes just ended a 10 yr relationship where he didnt do everything he wanted, and now hes free.

 

no they dont have kids, and yes he was the one who ended it. so i shouldnt feel jealous, but somehow i dont like it. hes going through the what if stage, wondering why it went wrong, saying they had so much fun together etc. i dont think he wants her back, but he is still griefing.

 

we got together when he was still angry about it, but now hes calmed down, hes more sad and looking to move on. i hope that when the divorced is finalized and the house is sold, things would be better. but until then they will have to be in constant contact. which affects his moods a lot, especially if they have an agrument.

 

but even after all the paperwork is done, they will probably still be friends, so i need to learn how to accept it and not let it worry me.

[jamileigh78]

Well, you're definitley in a tough situation. I dated a guy who was going through a divorce, who promised me he didn't love her anymore, but ended up back with her. Then I dated another guy going through a divorce who actually went through with it. Of course I don't know all the details of your situation, but could it be possible that he really does still love her and just using the threat of a divorce to try to hurt her as much as she hurt him? It just seems strange to me that they still spend time together and are trying to be friends. Why? He needs to get away from her, and maybe that is why he's wanting to move away. But he does not sound at all ready for another relationship. It sounds like you are the woman he's left waiting on the sidelines just in case his marriage really doesn't work out. I was that woman once, and it's tough waiting around to see what they're going to do.