What happened to my inner spark?? I'm stuck in frozen mode

[shamen]

It's been a REALLY long time since I've signed on and I know that it's time for me to get a more objective opinion.

 

I'm a 37 year old professional but...

 

I'm completely stuck, even though... I've gotten my drinking back under control. I've got a good relationship with a man (LDR, but that's not the focus). I have a good job. I've got great friends and we do lots of fun things together.

 

BUT... I'm stuck. I'm not writing in my journal. I'm not doing my laundry regularly, or washing the dishes. My house is somewhat clean (needs to have a serious spring cleaning), but certainly not presentable to the general public. I'm not paying my bills on time on a regular basis. I'm a horrible procrastinator at work on stuff about which I can procrastinate. I'm not going to the gym. I'm not paying enough attention to my friends and family who are not immediately available (not in the same city).

 

What the hell is my problem? Why do I find myself sitting so much in front of the TV? I feel like I used to be so alive and these days I just feel dead when I've got the time to think. Like a spark in me has just friggin' died. I am just so tired, ya know? My creative part of myself feels like its gone. I used to work out like a maniac (I've put on weight - 50 lbs - in the last 12 years, I'm sure partially due to age) and write like a fiend.

 

I've been to counseling. On and off for years. It's probably time to go back, but I swear that I started drinking more again when I was going, dragging all of that stuff back out. Not completely sure that I want to go that route again. And I'm not prepared to go on meds.

 

And the part that scares me the most is that this is not a new thing. This has been going on for years now. The house, the bills, the procrastination at work, the weight - like 3 years. Even while I was going to counseling.

 

I feel like I just need a jump start to be back on track somehow. Where to go from here? Anyone else know what I'm talking about?

[whichwayisup]

Fight it and tell yourself, no MAKE yourself accountable for your actions.

 

Start off small. Everyday you MUST complete one task. Whether it be paying off your bills, cleaning ONE room in your house, doing 20 minutes of yoga, or walking. Force yourself daily to accomplish something and build upon that.

 

I completely understand how you feel, I'm quite the procrastinator too, but if I let myself go and get too lazy, I know myself well enough that nothing will get done. What I do now is take responsibility and MAKE myself believe that I have NO choice...A, B and C MUST be done today.

 

Baby steps, that is how you start. Actually, you've already taken the first step, by posting here and talking about it. That is good and you should be proud of yourself.......Which leads me to this.....

 

When you DO accomplish your goal for the day - MAKE a BIG DEAL about it when you've completed it! Come here and post about it or PM me, so I can congratulate you! I know it sounds silly, but building up your confidence and getting things done around the house, paying bills on time and completing tasks that you make yourself do SHOULD be celebrated to help you feel better and to get you out of this slump you're in.

 

Hope this helps, and please, pick ONE thing to focus on...Even if you spend 20 minutes or so decluttering one room in your house, that makes a difference.

[shamen]

WWIU,

 

TX so much for the reply! Thank god someone understands what I'm talking about. It's not just normal procrastination. It used to be sort of funny, ya know? Do it later, blah, blah, blah. Now it's gotten completely out of control.

 

I like your idea a lot. OK. Today is bills day. And I guess in turn, that should also make it go through the pile of papers on my desk day.

 

I was also thinking I'd take a walk today because it's so beautiful out, but I don't know if I can motivate for 2 things. God, I know that sounds crazy. And I should do some work for work too... whoops. You said start out small. I can't do all of it in one day.

 

I'll let you know how it goes.

 

Shamen

[shamen]

OK, never did get to that pile of papers, but actually did deal with another pile of papers from work. Not done completely, but started. Oh, and I worked out today! Yay!

 

Think that I've since decided that I do need to go back to therapy... this has been going on for 3 years. It's not normal.

 

I mean, 3 friggin' years!!! I have become frozen to the point of inactivity. Got out of bed today and thought about staying there. The most comfortable place for me recently has been my house and it scares the crap out of me.

 

Who have I become? The person that I was, full of life, creative, is dead. Instead I'd rather stay in my house... wow. Little to no writing. Preferred activity is watching TV. I still read every day, but I know that I'm not the woman that I was.

 

Mind you, I was doing a lot of drugs back then. That's under control. Not using at all anymore. And my drinking is completely back under control. So under control these days that I don't even really enjoy it any more...

 

I feel that I'm just ranting now. So, I leave...

[Storyrider]

I battle procrastination too. It can be all the more frustrating when you know you have something worthwhile to offer, in your case your writing, but you still don't do it.

 

Sometimes it seems like a cruel joke that we are gifted with great big visions and a little tiny will power. Plus, creativity and trouble with procrastination tend to be bound up in the same type of personality.

 

This isn't so much advice as it is to say, I feel for you.

[shamen]

Hey Storyrider,

 

Thanks so much for the reply. I read your procrastination post and it was good to see someone else understands what I'm going through.

 

But...

 

This isn't just about writing. This is about a lifestyle. I mean, it's gotten to the point where I feel like my whole life is currently on hold.

 

I WISH it was just about writing, but...

 

I've never felt so frozen in my life. I'll be sitting in my house, thinking about all of the stuff that I should be doing, and I just don't do any of it. Nothing. I'm doing literally what I need to survive - bills late, reports late, everything is late. It sometimes gets to a point where I'm about to have stuff turned off (and I've got a good job and I have the money!!!!). I've got a sink full of dishes, tons of laundry to do. But I just can't seem to do it.

 

Somehow the idea of going out of my house is beginning to freak me out. OK, this is where I remind myself that I should probably go back to therapy. These are classic signs of depression. But Jesus, I didn't know someone could be clinically depressed for 3 years. I'm tired of feeling tired.

 

I'm tired of being frozen. But now, I don't how to get myself unfrozen because I have SO much to do...

[District]

hey shamen, i'm almost the exact same way. i'm like a walking zombie at work. i smoke like crazy. i'm too lazy to smoke outside of my house so i have decided to smoke in my bathroom (with the windows open and fan on of course). i have about a month's worth of dirty clothes in my room, before i used to do two loads a week because i dont believe in wearing the same article of clothing twice without washing. i'm in a total funk. instead of putting on weight... i probably lost 5 lbs in the past 4 days, only because i've been living off of coffee and alcohol. i feel DEAD. my recent breakup probably has something to do with this... and also i am clinically depressed, i am and have been on meds for the past 4-5 years. emotionally i'm just not up to par. the gym used to be my second home, after 8 hours at the office i'd hit the gym for 2-3 hours after a light meal. now i just dont have the energy to even step outside of my house. i'm hungry but i'm not. i dont even know what i feel like eating. i feel like life has been drained out of me.

[Storyrider]

I'm with you both on the laundry. It is a major issue for me too, and I have two kids. Hate doing it, especially because of all the grass, food and mud stains. Cue the Tide commercial music...

 

I am feeling stuck in my life right now too.

 

I think for me it has to do with looking at where I am and comparing it to where I want to be. They are so far apart that I can't see how I will ever get there. That can throw anyone into a funk. It has to be a matter of goal setting, bite-sized chunks and baby steps, right?

 

Sometimes reading a book about procrastination will help me jump start. I remember one or two that were quite good. I'll see if I can remember the titles and report back.

[shamen]

Hey ladies,

 

It's weird, but I'm so glad that there are other people out there who know what I'm talking about. It makes me wonder, what happened to us that we've gotten this stuck, ya know?

 

District,

 

It sounds like your break up is a lot to blame for the way that you are feeling... you really don't feel like even the meds are helping? I was told by my last therapist that I needed to go on meds and I was wondering if this would be the catch all.

 

Worried that maybe after all of the years of drug abuse and drinking that maybe my body/brain doesn't know how to feel normal levels of pleasure in my head (seratonin) on a day to day basis. It sucks, because now I'm not doing drugs anymore and I'm drinking like a normal person and I feel so friggin' melancholy... So I thought that maybe the meds would help level me out after 3 years of feeling crappy... I'm surprised that you still feel that way.

 

I hope that you start to feel motivated soon, my dear. It really sucks feeling frozen like this. Have you talked to your doctor re: this?

 

Hey Storyrider,

 

TX again for the reply. Yeah, maybe it's the idea of who I thought I'd be versus who I've become. But I'm not even sure who I thought I'd become when I was young. I have a good job. Maybe not one I'm completely satisfied with, but it's a good job nonetheless and one that I should be able to ride with for a while. And I know I'm good at it.

 

But that's not the point. The point is, I want more. Not even sure what it is..

 

Maybe it really is about goal setting and trying to read some books about procrastination.

 

So ladies,

 

So, what's the next step???

[whichwayisup]

You've already taken the first step, and that's admitting that you have a problem and you need help. Second step is, googling for a therapist in your area, and also checking your local hospitals, clinics, Universities for therapists who specalize in CBT.

[District]

oh man, shamen. we're on the same boat. i did the whole drug thing too for 3 years. i was totally out of hand and went to rehab, when i hit rock bottom i was 83lbs and i stand at 5'5. ever since i've been off i'm not the person i used to be... before the drugs. after rehab... like 1 year later, i did the whole alcohol thing, i'd do triple distilled vodka, 1/2 a bottle a night every night. it was horrible.

 

i too still feel crappy. my doc suggested that go off my meds for a while to see how i'd react... those were the worst two weeks of my life! my meds only bring me up to par even though that means i'm depressed. i'm like a faded/zombie-like/depression-ish person.

 

i wish i could share my story with you via email or something...

[shamen]

WWIU,

 

What is CBT? I'll take a look on line in the meantime.

 

I've done counseling and I'm afraid of it after regressing to drinking too much during it because it dragged out so much pain... Maybe I just need a better therapist??

 

 

District,

 

I've not been on meds yet. Never have been. So don't know what it'd be like. I know that I probably need to go back to counseling, but, well, see above...

 

Lots of people struggle through these addiction issues, post addiction issues really, I'm sure. Maybe we should be posting in the addicts thread??

[whichwayisup]

CBT is cognitive behaviour therapy. It's a type of therapy that helps those who suffer from anxiety disorders, OCD, depression and other phobias. Definately google it and read up on it! I really think it can help you and help change your mindset. If you are willing to do the work, CBT CAN help sooo much. Trust me on that one!

[shamen]

So, I did a ton of work last night, yay! But it's really only step one. I know that I've got a lot more to do to get myself to feel in any way that I'm caught up with my responsibilities...

 

BUT, baby steps. I've been thinking a lot about going back to therapy. Asked my doctor for a name, but of course it's an HMO and they don't KNOW anyone specific or good. Great. So, I guess I just need to do step two and actually call the darn people and see if someone's close by that I could see.

 

Maybe ask if they have a specialization in CBT, to try to change my mindset a bit. I need to retrain my brain in how to think... be positive and move. Seriously, just move. Somehow the act of starting my projects has gotten to the point of overwhelming 'cuz there is so much to do.

 

Wow. Really weird to me that I've become this lazy person.

 

I guess writing on LS again was really what I needed to just push myself a bit. I hope that I can continue.

[tatzwife]

I feel for you Shamen, thank you for starting this thread & everyone for their advice. There are a lot of us that feel this way I am sure, I am the exact same way & I will put this advice to use. I don't feel like I have to do anything because what is the point, who comes over? Where do I have to go? Who do I have to look good for?

It is nice we can share our thoughts and know there are others out there.

 

These are things I tell myself everyday.

It is a matter of 'Just doing it'. As hard as it is sometimes, I just have to. I need to be a productive member of society. Not for society, for my own well being. I NEED clean clothes to wear, clean dishes to eat from, fresh air, if I don't do it for me, who is going to do it?

It gets very hard somedays to get out of bed, so you know what, don't. Don't be hard on yourself. But at some point I DO need to take some responsibility. Do it a little a time.

A routine, that is what I am currently doing. Get up, jump in a cool shower, go for a walk. After that I am at a loss....But at least I have done something.

[Tony T]

From the description of your behavior in the first post in this thread, it sounds like you are depressed. Everything you do or don't do is a sign of depression. I may very well be wrong but if I were you I'd get checked out for that and, if you do have depression, get treatment. There are excellent therapies available. Make sure your doctor and therapist are top notch.

[shamen]

I feel for you Shamen, thank you for starting this thread & everyone for their advice. There are a lot of us that feel this way I am sure, I am the exact same way & I will put this advice to use. I don't feel like I have to do anything because what is the point, who comes over? Where do I have to go? Who do I have to look good for?

It is nice we can share our thoughts and know there are others out there.

 

These are things I tell myself everyday.

It is a matter of 'Just doing it'. As hard as it is sometimes, I just have to. I need to be a productive member of society. Not for society, for my own well being. I NEED clean clothes to wear, clean dishes to eat from, fresh air, if I don't do it for me, who is going to do it?

It gets very hard somedays to get out of bed, so you know what, don't. Don't be hard on yourself. But at some point I DO need to take some responsibility. Do it a little a time.

A routine, that is what I am currently doing. Get up, jump in a cool shower, go for a walk. After that I am at a loss....But at least I have done something.

 

Ha ha! OMG! My thoughts exactly. I can't tell you how many times I've thought these exact things.

 

But you're right too in that we DO need to take responsibility for our own behavior. We ARE supposed to be the adults here, eh? I've been working on it. Reminding myself about that suggestion that I received earlier. Set the goal at one thing at a time. I can do the shower thing every day and go to work and succeed there (whilst being a procrastinator), now I just need to relearn how to do more at home and for myself.

 

From the description of your behavior in the first post in this thread, it sounds like you are depressed. Everything you do or don't do is a sign of depression. I may very well be wrong but if I were you I'd get checked out for that and, if you do have depression, get treatment. There are excellent therapies available. Make sure your doctor and therapist are top notch.

 

I know that I'm dealing with some depression issues, but as I've mentioned earlier, I am frightened of returning for fear of drinking too much again. You're right. I absolutely do need to make sure that the therapist is top notch, but it's so hard to do in this day of HMOs. Ugh. But again, here I am putting it off...

 

Somehow it seems to me that it needs to be a combination of both. Forcing myself to do at least 1 seriously productive thing a night along with going back to some sort of therapy... I've been working on the 1 productive thing a night and it so far is going fairly well. Not every day, but close (closer than I've been in quite a while).

[polywog]

First of all, I totally relate, too... another person on the bandwagon!

 

And another thought.... the symptoms you describe make me wonder if you have a thyroid problem. The weight gain, lack of energy, etc.... might be worth having some tests done. My friend thought she was nuts until she had that checked out and she feels 100 better, she takes a thyroid medication now.

[shamen]

First of all, I totally relate, too... another person on the bandwagon!

 

And another thought.... the symptoms you describe make me wonder if you have a thyroid problem. The weight gain, lack of energy, etc.... might be worth having some tests done. My friend thought she was nuts until she had that checked out and she feels 100 better, she takes a thyroid medication now.

 

Yay! Someone else who understands! Thanks for your input.

 

I'm pretty sure that the weight gain can be explained by changing birth control (still smoking after 35, too old to be on the pill; tried the shot, ugh!!! Gained 30 lbs in one year). The weight gain also coincides with being put on steroids permanently which have the side effect of gaining weight. Yay! So I can explain this part of it, just haven't been able to lose it. I was also too skinny before this happened, so I did actually need to gain 20 lbs not to look anorexic.

 

I did go to the doctor and have blood work done every month for a year a few years ago because they were concerned about my white blood cell count. Excessively high. They concluded after a year that it was just that I had an elevated count and that it was nothing to worry about. However, they did think for a little bit that I might have leukemia! Ugh! I was lucky that those tests turned out negative.

 

BUT, you are right. Maybe I should have another physical again just to be on the safe side and get the blood work process started again. Who knows? Maybe they'll come up with another conclusion this time.