Emotional Cheating

[Shawnee]

I have been dating Joe for two years. We get along great, we are very intimate, very compatable. He's told his friends our relationship is the most adult and close relationship he's ever had. When we met we both had older children at home. His daughter and grandson lived with him and my son who is finishing college in Dec still lives with me. We've talked about marriage but never very seriously due to our living situations. He didn't feel it was right to ask me to live with his daughter and grandson and he couldn't ask his daughter to leave since she was financially dependent on him at the time.

About 5 months ago his daughter got married and moved out. Since then we have again talked about getting married, but every time we do, new obstacles come up. I have cats - he has dogs. I have some credit card debt and they are always brought up. I'm beginning to think they are excuses.

 

Several months ago my daughter had asked my advice about her boyfriend. He had an old girlfriend move back into town and he was meeting her for lunch and calling her. My daughter knew about it but was not comfortable with it and asked him to stop. Last Friday, she said she caught him talking to her again.

 

I have talked with Joe about my daughter's problem several times, trying to get a man's opinion of the "just friends" thing. He's never said too much when I ask him, but I didn't think much of it. Friday though I was really upset and I said to Joe - I don't feel the need to talk to old boyfriends, why does he? You don't talk to old girlfriends, do you?

 

What a shocker. Yes he does. Two of them. One is an exlover who he had sex with every Wednesday while her boyfriend was out of town. He said he broke it off with her after 9 months because she wouldn't give up her other boyfriend. He says they are just friends and that he hasn't laid eyes on her in several years. They still talk on the phone and email and send each other birthday cards. She is still single. She doesn't know about me and he has taken precautions to make sure I didn't know about her. The other is someone who he had desperate sex with just prior to meeting me. Another just friend who he keeps in touch with.

 

We talked about this last weekend. He asked for forgiveness and he would take care of the problem. I care deeply for this man so I agreed. He said if I forgive him, he doesn't want it thrown back in his face over and over. I told him we wouldn't bring it up again.

 

I'm sorry I agreed to this. This emotional cheating is consuming me. My first marriage ended because of infidelity and all those feelings of no worth and mistrust have come back. I can't talk to anyone about this. I can't eat or sleep. What do I do? Is this why he can't commit?

[LakesideDream]

You both are "mature" enough to have grown children and a grandchild and you are concerned about this stuff?

 

Your kidding right? I'm 57 years old and have had three (count em) meaningfull relationships in my life. One ended up becoming a 25 year marriage with children and all that follows. It ended when long term infidelity surfaced (hers).

 

One.. never ended. I have a "friend" who I've known for 40 years. An old flame, rekindled for a very short (to short) time right after my divorce. Although not an "active" relationship, I remember her on holidays, birthdays etc, with flowers and gifts.

 

Would I stop if I got into a "love of my life" relationship again? I seriously doubt it. Would it affect a "love of my life" relationship? Not from my viewpoint. There are often people in our lives that remain, and "transend" current relationships.

 

At our ages (OP and mine) what's currently happening in a relationship is what's important. It's not like we are 20 something and oppertunity knocks everyday. Pay attention to your guy, and don't force him to choose between you and his life until now. Make your life from now on special every day.. we don't have that many left that we can afford to squander them on trivial matters.

[Shawnee]

So you think I'm just being paranoid? If he had told me about them, I don't think it would have bothered me. But he kept it all secret and sneaky. His marriage ended because he had been unfaithful twice. Is once a cheater always a cheater true? If this woman was such a "friend" and why didn't he tell her about me? Am I so worthless that I am not worthy of telling a friend? Wow, I sound really bitter, don't I.

[Shawnee]

You're right. We don't have a lot of time left to squander. That's why I'm questioning this relationship and his committment. I stayed in a bad marriage 21 years and I'm not going to settle this time because I'm afraid to be alone.

[Herzen]

Do three wrongs make for a bad relationship? First, you perceive your bf as manufacturing excuses to avoid marrying you. Second, your bf is remaining in "just friends" contact with two ex-lovers. Third, your bf never disclosed his "serious" relationship with you to at least one of these ex-lovers.

 

What does that say? Perhaps that he's a Player, commitment-phobic, in a relationship of convenience with you and is maintaining the ex-lovers as safety nets.

 

I'm your age--mid-50's-- and at our age things need not be quite as intense as youngsters playing the mating game in their 20's and even 30's. Nevertheless, we all want to feel singular in a relationship; the sense that we're the One.

 

Your guy sounds like a Player. That's not a bad thing if all you want to do is play. Somehow I suspect that's not enough.

 

Good luck.

[Shawnee]

Thanks for the advice. So you think it's better to decide on my own to stay or break it off, and not try to talk to him again about the situation?

[Trialbyfire]

Is the institution of marriage important to you or is it that his actions don't speak of commitment, no matter what kind of lipservice he gives you. The underlying problem to your feelings of concern over his "friendships" is that he doesn't give you the security that you need.

[Shawnee]

I suppose if these had been meaningful relationships with women it would have been one thing. It would have been easier to understand. But these were not. He said he never loved either one and basically needed the sex and then didn't want to hurt their feelings by telling them he didn't want to talk to them anymore.

[LakesideDream]

Shawnee, you mention that the "relationships" your BF is holding onto wern't "meaningfull" they were just booty calls... that changes my opinion, they are not worth holding onto.

 

In my case, it was different. The "one" that I will hold onto forever has been a friend, and more for years. For instance, when I became fatally ill four years ago.. she traveled across the country to see me.. and hold my hand and tell me "don't give up" when I already had. She renewed my will to survive. That's friendship. I wouldn't let that go for anything. If a new love asked me to give that friendship up I would politely decline.

 

Would I tell a future "love of my life" about my previous relationships? No I wouldn't, not unless directly questioned, meaning I wouldn't offer information. If directly asked.. yes I would. It's what's ahead, not what's past that matters most.

[Shawnee]

Are you saying your old friend keeps you a secret from her husband? Why? She cares about your well being. I think that's wonderful. I would be proud of her for being such a good friend to you when you needed it. If you find someone in the future, please tell her about your wonderful friend. Do not keep secrets. It hurts really bad to find out you've been a sucker once again.

[Herzen]

Thanks for the advice. So you think it's better to decide on my own to stay or break it off, and not try to talk to him again about the situation?

 

That depends. Can mere words provide you sufficient "security" to carry on? If not, what actions would provide a sign of sufficient commitment? Perhaps your anxieties will fade over time, and no summit meeting is required. That, however, hinges on your security level and expectations. And his.

 

You expect to marry sooner rather than later. He appears content with the status quo: being involved in a "committed" non-marital relationship with you that is "spiced" with communications with ex-sex partners.

 

If these divergent expectations can be harmonized to everyone's satisfaction all the better. If not, back to the drawing board.

[Shawnee]

I guess you're right. There's nothing he could say right now that would return the trust I had in him. I suppose I'll give it some time. How much?

[Herzen]

You've been lovers for 2 years. That's a good length of time. I'd reassess the relationship in about 3 months. If you're still obsessing about the ex's or becoming increasingly unhappy with your bf's marital inertia, and you're linking the two, then it's decision time.

[LakesideDream]

Are you saying your old friend keeps you a secret from her husband? Why? She cares about your well being. I think that's wonderful. I would be proud of her for being such a good friend to you when you needed it. If you find someone in the future, please tell her about your wonderful friend. Do not keep secrets. It hurts really bad to find out you've been a sucker once again.

 

 

Shawnee, you are correct, she hasn't told her husband of our continuing friendship. I don't interfere and have not asked why, frankly it's none of my business. We do not have an intimate relationship, physical or emotional and have not for many years.

 

As I said, I would be willing to "tell/explain" to someone in a future relationship if questioned, I would not volunteer the information though, as doing so would serve no purpose.

 

I'm 57 years old. I cannot imagine anyone actually asking me if I had previously had serious relationships.

 

That being said, I understand insecurity. I wouldn't ask (and really have no interest) in other peoples past relationships. People my age don't have "baggage" they have moving vans full of drama.