At a crossroad.........

[a4a]

Moose this is your issue of feeling like you are not entitled to have what you want just for you.

 

You don't deserve it, you are not worthy, you will never be good enough to be worthy, you should not ask as that is selfish ........ blah blah blah

 

Do you see any ties to your childhood here?

 

You should be grateful for what you got you spoiled snot......

Nothing is ever good enough for you is it?

 

You can simply put it in a letter and ask her to read it...... bounce one off of us here.

 

or PM one to a LSer. Present it as a possible solution for both of you... buy her some flowers to go with the note (flowers )

[Moose]

Do you see any ties to your childhood here?

Whoaa.....enough of the flashbacks already!

 

I won't write a letter, I'll have a, "knee to knee, you to me" with her as soon as we can.....flowers? You've got to be kidding me!!!

[whichwayisup]

Doesn't anyone else have a lapse of memory when they try articulate their feelings?

 

Yes.

 

So, put down your thoughts to paper and pen, then sit beside your wife and let her read your letter. After she reads it, you two can talk.

[whichwayisup]

Many men have trouble expressing what's going on inside them, so think about doing the letter.

[a4a]

Yeah flowers :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

good........ take the time to talk to her without interruptions.

 

Do it - do it now!

 

 

Honey I could give you some flashback stories that would make you want to send me flowers! :lmao: Hell you would want to send me a flowering tree.......... :lmao:

 

So when is the talk....... huh? when? huh? when are you going to do it? huh? when?

 

are we there yet? (kicks the back of the drivers seat) are we there yet?

[a4a]

Many men have trouble expressing what's going on inside them, so think about doing the letter.

 

As my H says " I don't know how to word it" :rolleyes:

 

I don't care how you word it....... just spit it the hell out!

 

But it is ok to grunt to express how they feel...... so busy trying to be perfect.

 

Hell I just say " you pissed me off"..... :lmao:

So easy to talk to me........

 

An outline about what you want to say is a pretty good idea if you do have problems getting your message through in a manner in which you "think" you need to.

[Art_Critic]

are we there yet? (kicks the back of the drivers seat) are we there yet?

 

My Mom was Queen of being able to drive while turning around and smacking us in the back seat ..both my brother and I..

 

I still can't figure out how she did it.. long arms ?

 

 

Moose.. Keep us updated on the talk...

[quankanne]

the great thing about putting together a letter – even if you'd rather talk to her one to one – is that it helps you organize your thoughts. Kinda like the way an outline does for a term paper. Just put down everything you're thinking and feeling and suggested solutions, then set it aside for a couple of hours. Come back to it, reread it, change it around, then set it aside again so you can have a fresh perspective. When you're content that it expresses how you feel without pointing fingers or being negative, give it to her or use it as a crib sheet for the talk you plan to have with her.

 

flowers are great ... if she's got a green thumb, she might appreciate a plant (or gardening tools) more

 

I know how hard it is sometimes when you've got to address problems, but the best way is to jump in there, prepared to just talk it out. The other person may not necessarily agree with what you say, but at least they know where you're coming from, ¿entiendes?

[whichwayisup]

My Mom was Queen of being able to drive while turning around and smacking us in the back seat ..both my brother and I..

 

I still can't figure out how she did it.. long arms ?

 

LOL!!!

 

That is kind of funny...Sad, but still funny.

 

For us, the threat was enough..."Don't you make me stop this car!"....lol!

[sb129]

Tell you what a4a, we'd make one helluva team! (personally, financially).....thanks for that awesome post!..

 

Hee hee. Except for that little three letter word starting with G. Sorry couldn't resist.

 

Doesn't anyone else have a lapse of memory when they try articulate their feelings?

 

Of course!!! I started to write stuff down a while ago. And if there are valid points on here you want to bring up, paste them into your notes!

[a4a]

Hee hee. Except for that little three letter word starting with G. Sorry couldn't resist.

 

 

 

 

If Moose treated me good enough I might convert.

Of course I would need incentive to do so........ nice new truck every year, spa on Sundays, oh and no kids either.

 

We would do fine otherwise. :lmao: Other than those small items of concern.

[Moose]

From her Bible study.

 

For the past 4 weeks, every Thursday she has this Bible study she's been going to. There's just one more meeting left.

 

What's so ironic is that it's a study on how to love your husband........lol.....

 

The last meeting, the husbands are to attend, and us guys have to get up to the stand and speak about how the study has improved our lives with our wives.

 

Needless to say, she's in a panic. She hasn't applied anything she's learned from this study from day one. And she's admitted it. I told her, (jokingly), I'd just get up there and tell them, "Bible Study? What Bible Study? All I know is she's been gone on Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday nights.....I don't know what she was doin', cept' Church stuff"......well she started crying......

 

I'm like, "great!......not a good time to talk about all of this....."

 

But, she started to open up, without me having to say a word.

 

Of course, it was the usual, "I'm not being a very good wife, and I know what I'm doing wrong, and I know that I need to do this, and do that......." (Not the exact words, just the crux of it all).

 

Then it was back to her losing control. She can't control me any longer, (or in her words, "I'm not in control of you anymore"), She can't control our eldest, (who's in Canada right now visiting friends);

 

"cause he's 19 and you've embedded in his mind that he's his own man now, and can do whatever, whenever he wants."

 

She says that when I was drinking, (heavily), she knew that I would always need her. And she knew that I knew she'd always be there for me. Well, that ain't happenin' no more.....so what is she there for besides cooking, cleaning, and a rearin'.......

 

I told her this cycle has to stop. It's getting to the point that we can almost set a clock to all of this. (BTW, Thanks Craig for the PM!!)

 

It got late, almost 1:00AM when I just finally told her that I do love her, and I want to see us get past this. But just like my decision to change my life, I had to start somewhere, sometime.

 

So I ended it with her knowing full well that she needs to take that first step, and I will remain patient and passive as long as I can. I realize it's going to take a lot of baby steps, but I told her I need to see some change or she's going to push my so far away from her, that I won't return.

 

So.......we still have a lot to talk about, I've got a welding gig for Northrop Grumman this weekend, (love the goberment work!), and she's got Church activities all weekend long as well.

 

Monday evening we're driving up to STL to pick up our son, his flight lands at 9:30pm, so I plan on leaving early enough for us to set down and talk more for a couple of hours.

 

I'm still in limbo about all of this, just because it's like we've been there, done that so many times, and nothing's ever changed........

 

Anyway.....what do you all think??

[quankanne]

I think that this is a huge step forward in y'alls relationship, because she's shared how these things make her feel, and it'll go a long ways towards figuring out a solution because she doesn't have it bottled up inside ... tell her that she should be honest at that last Bible study meeting and admit that she's figured out that "how to love you husband" will always be a work in progress, because you both keep changing and growing. That sometimes it's as natural as breathing, and other times it's scary as hell.

 

"True love means taking the biggest risk of all … opening your heart to a fellow human being, a creature as fallible as you know yourself to be, knowing that there are no promises in life, no guarantees, and that the future will bring great sorrows as well as great joys."

 

from www.loveshack.org/forums/t119281/

[sb129]

Moose, I think its a step in the right direction which is fantastic.

[amaysngrace]

I think it sounds encouraging Moose. Take the time you need now to sort through how you feel. Choose your battles with her carefully.

 

Don't make promises to her that you have no intention of keeping.

 

And also don't feel that because you've taken in the past it somehow diminishes your right to ask for what you need from her now.

 

Listen to her because it sounds as though she is trying too. She's been attending seminars on learning how to be a better wife to you.

 

I think it's unfortunate that when she takes time for her it's wrapped up in you. Perhaps she identifies herself as your other half? And it's the role she plays? It's not your fault. She signed up for it willingly.

 

I don't know if the conversation will go that way, but you should try your best to not enable this identity she's chosen. Encourage her to do things solely for herself. To take time for herself. Involve herself in things that completely revolve around her. Maybe go buy her a day at the spa gift certificate or something. Because she deserves it.

 

Whatever you say, just say it with an open heart and progress will occur.

[whichwayisup]

You need to make it clear to her that you DO NEED HER, even more so now. Women need to feel like they're needed. Keep on reaffirming your love for her too.

 

It's a good start that she opened up to you and that she's aware of the fact she's not being the wife she could be.

 

Another thing, she can't control life. She's got to learn to just go with it and make the best out of what comes her way...Fighting it and trying to control things isn't going to work and will only make HER feel worse.