I'm sad and need advice...

[Interested]

Hello...I'm someone who needs advice in regards to a certain situation that occurred yesterday with my husband. I will try to explain everything in the most brief way possible. About a month ago, my husband and I were encountering a slight distance in our relationship which was initiated by his change in behavior (ie late arrivals, lack of openness, shadiness) When confronting him on it, he explained that his sexual needs weren't being met. I explained that it's a result of my menapause and I've been adjusting to it and I did admit that I was being unresponsive to him. I thought that conversation was great and we went on normally from there on. Until yesterday when I happened to miss my bus to go home and needed to catch a train instead. I ended up seeing him coming down the stairs, but he didn't see me. I saw a woman walking behind him, but payed to attention at first until he turned around to talk to her. At first, I thought it was just a friend from work, but when approaching him, he left her side immediately and dismissed his position by her right away. At this point I still didn't have any reason to question anything, but when asked who she was he acted like he wasn't with anyone. She said nothing also and the ride home, as awkward as it was, was just as silent. All he kept saying the whole night was, "It's just a friend from work and there's nothing to talk about." But why walk away from her without introducing us??

Maybe there isn't, but I'm feeling sad cause of our problem a month ago with his behavior. I can't help but connect this two situations and feel sad about it. We haven't talked since yesterday, but I need some advice on how to talk without drama. How do I talk to him to make him understand that i need a thorough explanation? What can i say to him to initiate this type of discussion without fighting? Please help...thank you very much.

[Tony T]

There's not a whole lot you can do. He's not likely to have any more of an explanation next year as he gave you already...that this lady was "just a friend from work and there's nothing more to talk about."

 

I do think you and your husband ought to have a talk and you need to explain to him in vivid detail what you are going through. That's it. Don't make any accusations and don't quiz him anymore because you will never get a straight answer any way you try.

 

Just be on notice that it is very likely that your husband is at least seeking some sort of other companionship at this time, whether it be platonic, sexual or somewhere in between. The very best thing you can do is give him your best, be as good to him as you can, and let things fall where they may.

 

If you really suspect he is being unfaithful, put a detective on him. But when you confront him with the goods, he's just going to say she is "just a friend from work and there's nothing more to talk about." At that point, if you have confirmed an affair, tell him "well you didn't have my permission to screw your friends from work so now I'll see just who gets screwed in court." That is, unless you can work out some sort of compromise and he agrees to stop seeing his buddy from work.

 

Don't jump to any conclusions whatsoever until you have all the details and all the evidence. Good luck getting anything out of him.

[Interested]

Thank you Tony...for taking the time to give some real good advice as always. I thank you very much and will await to see how everything, from here on, lands. Thanks again.

[Tolkien]

I'm a strong believer in "everything happens for a reason" So the fact that you missed the bus and was able to see him with this other girl should tell you something.

 

If it were just your b/f, I would say get out of the relationship, but because your married, if you think it's a problem, like he is really cheating, (because he acted like it) you might look into some therapy.

 

Setting a detective on him will confirm your suspicions, but will make it 110% impossible to "work things out."