sumdude Posted January 8, 2003 Share Posted January 8, 2003 I've been in a serioius relationship for 3 1/2 years, living together for 2 1/2. Im 35 my girlfriend is 33. The first year was full of fun, passion and darn good sex. Now we only make love on Friday or Saturday night, always the same, pretty routine. It sometimes seems as if she's just trying to get it over with. Our relationship seems pretty good to me, sure we've had some rough seas but we get along well. I'm almost certain there's no other hanky panky going on. I try to be romantic etc. etc. She just doesn't seem interested much anymore. I love her, she loves me (at least she says so). I know the first few months are special and don't expect those kinds of fireworks but why does the flame always seem to flicker after a while? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 8, 2003 Share Posted January 8, 2003 When you get the answer to your question, you may win a Nobel prize! Every couple is different. Some lose interest after weeks, some after months, some after years and some never at all. Some see sexual activity minimizing gradually over a long period of time. In your case, it probably doesn't have anything to do with you, as long as you are doing the usual romantic stuff combined with some new and different strategies to keep her interest. Unfortunately, when people become very familiar with each other, there just isn't as much sexual interest...for some people. There are couples who have been married for years whose desire for each other actually increases over time. Since you aren't married, you may have played this entire relationship out from a sexual standpoint. Don't think it'll get better after marriage...although it could. Some women feel loads better with that ring on their finger. I'm very sure she loves you but understand that love can't stand up all by itself. If your sexual desires are incompatible, she may not be the one for you. Good luck....and be comforted in the fact that there are men who go to work exhausted because they couldn't satisfy their lady after an entire night. It does work both ways, you know! Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted January 8, 2003 Share Posted January 8, 2003 Why don't you just try and mix things up and make the moves on her someother night? Change the typical pattern and see how she reacts. She could also be starting to doubt that the relationship is giving her what she wants. At age 33 and living with someone for a number of years, she might be itching for the ring. And since she hasn't received it she could be distancing herself as a precaution. Has she been dropping hints that this might be the case? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted January 8, 2003 Share Posted January 8, 2003 Why don't you talk with Her? She might not realize she is doing this, or know how this is impacting you. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 9, 2003 Share Posted January 9, 2003 I've tried mixing things up it doesn't make a difference. She is completely in control of our sex life. When, where, how long practically what position. We've had a couple talks but it gets us nowhere it seems. that's so not the way we started out. I don't know what to do at this point. I love her and want to be with her. I can't help but worry that over time my frustration could lead to problems. Maybe she is frustrated that there's no 'ring'. Though I think we've talked about that she may be holding back to keep from scaring me off. Still, what Tony said makes some sense. "Since you aren't married, you may have played this entire relationship out from a sexual standpoint. Don't think it'll get better after marriage...although it could. Some women feel loads better with that ring on their finger." Of course there's only one way to find out is there? Hence one more paradox of taking the plunge. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted January 9, 2003 Share Posted January 9, 2003 People have raised good points here, especially the fact that you need to talk about this with her, directly. Not skirting around issues like marriage. You say that she's in control of your sex life: where, when, etc. Are you (perhaps unwittingly) in control of other aspects of the relationship -- such as whether it progresses to marriage, whether there will be children, etc.? If you haven't had frank, regular discussions about those things, such that you each know where the other truly stands, you may well have a frustrated woman on your hands. Her lack of interest in sex may be a protective move, or a passive aggressive retaliation for your lack of interest in making her a permanent part of your life, having a family, etc. Which is not to say that she's doing it deliberately. But there might be many issues feeding into her apparent lack of passion. Link to post Share on other sites
bisweetie Posted March 5, 2003 Share Posted March 5, 2003 [color=blue][/color] Well sweetie,maybe I'm not the right person to reply,lol,I have lived with my hubby for 8 years,and we still have those sparks.I just go out of my way to keep the romance alive,as does he.Communication is the key though,I can't stress that enough. Keep talking to her.....perhaps she doesn't see it as a problem. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted March 5, 2003 Share Posted March 5, 2003 Something else you could try - as a tool to open up communication, not as a punishment or a "lets see how you feel" thing, is to stop having sex with her for a while. If she initiates sex, don't respond or "have a headache" or something. Take a break for a few weeks, then you initiate when YOU are ready. Also there are compromises. I think it was John Grey who made the meal comparison. Sometimes we want sex like a huge 10 course meal, complete with dessert. It's something to be savored. Sometimes we just want a quick burger and fries. We often don't want the same meal at the same time. If she's not in the mood for a gourmet treat, maybe you can be satisfied with a burger for now, and promise her the whole meal later when she's more in the mood for it, and vice versa. Link to post Share on other sites
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