H never initates sex

[confused_gal]

Hi,

I'm brand new here, so I hope I'm in the right place. I'll try not to make this too long.

 

I've been married 13 years, together 2 before that. No kids. Husband 17yrs older than me, I'm 39.

 

Haven't been able to conceive, and decided to get help 2 years ago. Before that sex was frequent and incredibly good. Then about 18 months ago, about when I had a miscarriage, hubby stopped initiating sex. I didn't really notice for about 6 months. Then I realised that I was asking every time. Then he started to say no, more and more to my advances until now it's about 90%. I stopped fertility treatment about 6 months ago, because of the pressure on him. I still ask but far less, still get a lot of no's, and am very frustrated. But when we do have sex, it's incredible for both of us and he has said so. He has a demanding job, long, irregular hours, physical labour, but this never stopped him in the past.

 

I've told him several times I can't keep taking the rejection and lack of initiating on his part. I've had trouble even telling him about this because he usually leaves the room and won't talk about it. He says he will try, but he doesn't. I still have to seduce him every time. It's not that he isn't romantic towards me, love notes, tells me I'm sexy, attractive etc, but he avoids me physically. He rarely hugs me and won't kiss me except a peck on the cheek or quick kiss on the lips like 'have a nice day at work'.

 

I've asked him to have a checkup but he refuses saying he doesn't have the time. If we talk about his lack of interest he said he's always too tired, but then he goes and mows the lawn or rakes the yard or does something physical. Last talk he told me maybe I needed to find someone else who could satisfy me, but that I should be discreet and make sure he didn't find out. I don't want that. I want my husband to want me.

 

This is really hurting me and I'm running out of ideas. Can anyone offer any suggestions?

[whichwayisup]

Is it possible the thought of having a baby has scared him? Something definately is going on inside of him.....And he's not willing to sit and talk about it...Yet.

 

I understand your feelings, I've gone through (and will go through again, depending on what is going on stress wise and in life) the rejection and not having my H LOOK at me in that sexual way. I'm much more sexual than he is and at times, sex just isn't in his head like it is in mine. (Sometimes I think I'm the guy and he's the girl cuz I think about sex alot and am much more hornier than he is most of the time...)

 

He does love you, don't doubt that.

 

Try to plan time together, without it revolving around sex. Watch a movie together on the couch and cuddle. Get intimacy that way, it's just as important as sex! Kissing and holding hands...

Hopefully he'll be into that. But, if he isn't, then ASK him what is wrong. As your husband, he owes you that much, especially if he knows how much it upsets you and how rejected he makes you feel.

 

He won't go see the DR, (sorry no offense to you men here) because many men are scared to go, they'd rather avoid than figure out what is wrong.) I know my H is like this and at times I've really had to push him to go.

 

Hope this helps, and I hope that you two can sit, and communicate with eachother...Really listen to eachother.

[confused_gal]

Thanks whichwayisup,

 

Yes, I think he has been scared by the thought of having a baby. That's why I stopped treatment.

 

I've tried a heap of the intimacy things, but he's so busy working, he's rarely home. When he is, he's like a mexican jumping bean. He won't sit still. If we watch a movie, he's up and down and it takes several sessions to get through. Or he falls asleep. About the only intimacy I can count on is that he always insists on holding my hand when we do get to go anywhere. I wonder if it isn't a possessiveness thing to other guys though.

 

I have asked him what is wrong several time, but he doesn't want to tell me. His usual answer is he's tired. Even with 8 weeks vacation over summer (I'm in Australia so that was Xmas) he still claimed that excuse. He says I make it too easy for him and he doesn't need to try. I've reminded him that he used to but he won't go there.

[whichwayisup]

Okay, well back off abit then. Don't bring it up for a month. Don't make any moves on him sexually. Kiss him goodbye, hello etc., but let HIM do the rest. In bed, let him reach to you. Most of all, don't let on that it bugs you, if he doesn't make those moves...Act like everything is FINE. See what happens......

 

And, in the meantime, invest in getting yourself a shower massager!

[Mr. Lucky]

Okay, well back off abit then. Don't bring it up for a month.

I hate to disagree with WWIU because she gives great advice. But...if your H has not only stopped approaching you but also rejects you when you approach him, something big is going on. And, were it my spouse, I'd want to and need to know now what that thing was. There are some potentially serious possibilities - physical health, mental condition, an affair, drug use, etc. You can't help him (or your marriage) unless you understand the causes.

 

Putting it bluntly, if he wouldn't open up to me, I'd snoop. I'd look at his cellphone bill, key log his computer and maybe even GPS his car. Given the consequences, you need to know what's going on...

 

Mr. Lucky

[confused_gal]

I had thought he was totally trustworthy. Then a few months ago after a big fight - which is one of the handful we've ever had, I got a sneaking suspicion and absolutely nothing to go on, except a friend's husband was caught by her recently and that got me to think that way.

 

I did check his phone last night, but there are so many names on it that I can't tell - he's a project manager, so he's got hundreds of contacts, male and female. He goes all over the place with his work too.

 

I asked him outright yesterday and he just laughed at me, but he didn't actually answer the question. I'm just getting more confused. I used to have complete trust in him, but now I'm not sure of anything.

[whichwayisup]

Talk to him again and tell him that it isn't a laughing matter. Tell him that because he laughed, it has made you suspicious. Tell him that you don't trust him like you used to.......That ought to stop and make him think and talk to you about this stuff.

[Guest]

ok this is bad... but a friend of mine told me about this thing called Typeteller. You install it on a computer and it records all keys typed on that PC. I know that lack of trust is bad, and snooping may make you find out things you really would rather not know. But hey he is not making it easier. Google typeteller, put it hide it on the PC he use the most and then give it a week check it out. PS if you find nothing get rid of it ASAP.

[confused_gal]

Thanks WWIU and Guest,

 

He doesn't connect to the Internet at home, his computer doesn't connect, only mine and he doesn't use it. He's only connected at work, so I can't find out. I've gone through his phone and there are lots of numbers, some women, but I have no idea who most of the numbers are - men or women. It's a work phone, so there's no bill either.

 

Now I've even gone through his wallet - there's so much junk in there it took ages. I found 2 mobile numbers on bits of paper and asked him about them, but he says he can't remember who they were and threw them away. I don't doubt this as I'm guilty of collecting numbers too.

 

I've told him this is causing problems and that I think he's acting suspiciously. I don't really think he's having an affair (but there now is this tiny seed of doubt in my mind), but I'm starting to wonder if he still really wants to be with me. We spoke about this last night and he says he finds me very attractive and loves me heaps. I told him words are not enough, but he says they're all I can expect right now. This was after we'd made love. He told me he was going to bed and I said should we do it and he agreed, so I went and got undressed and waited - and waited for about twenty or thirty minutes. Then went out to the lounge and found him doing paperwork! He said he hadn't realised I meant it. (I always mean it!!!) I got the feeling he really didn't want to, but he went along it to keep the peace. I asked him if there was anything he would like me to do to him and he said let him go to sleep!

 

I'm really not feeling very desirable right now, even though men stare at me where ever I go. But not mine. I don't get it. I'm going out of my mind here. Am I supposed to just sit here and wait for him to decide when he wants more? It's just not a partnership at the moment and I wonder when it will be one again.

[Mr. Lucky]

but he says they're all I can expect right now.

But............why are words all you can expect right now? Nowhere in your first or last post is any clue as to why he's acting the way he is or what you think his motivation is. I don't think someone acts out to the degree he's doing - doesn't initiate, refuses your advances, won't talk about it, plays the "I didn't know that's what you meant" game - unless he's trying to prove a point.

 

What do you think his point might be?

 

Mr. Lucky

[polywog]

Miscarriages are so traumatic. Maybe he is grieving the loss of the baby? Just a thought. Or maybe you've been grieving and your behavior has chasnged in ways you are not aware of and it's effecting your (as a couple) sex life. That's my gut feeling.

[confused_gal]

Ok, in my posts I haven't stated his point of view, because he won't tell me. I really don't know why he's behaving like this. I am not aware of any way I have changed, except to try harder. Over the last 18 months or so, I've grown my hair long (because he said he likes long hair) and started wearing skirts more often instead of pants, and grew my nails long. I don't know of anything I've changed emotionally.

 

I have been trying to think what this is all about and it's hard. But a friend suggested it's a control issue and that is what it might be. He works long hours and doesn't have control over that. He used to have his own business and other jobs he could dictate his time better. there are a few other things he doesn't seem to want me to have - another house is one. I don't feel safe in the place we are now, but although he seems to sympathise, he won't go looking at houses or contact an agent. When I have, he's been unavailable to view the places and they get sold to other people. I think he's jealous that I have a few friends I spend time with when he's at work. He is definitely jealous if I don't cancel plans if he happens to be around, but he never gives me much notice - eg. I'm free tomorrow morning when he gets home at 8pm the night before and I'm expected to be there to go somewhere with him.

 

So we can't seem to get pregnant could make him feel like a failure, but withholding sex and affection puts him back in control. I just don't know. If there is more you want me to share, please ask.

[confused_gal]

Miscarriages are so traumatic. Maybe he is grieving the loss of the baby? Just a thought. Or maybe you've been grieving and your behavior has chasnged in ways you are not aware of and it's effecting your (as a couple) sex life. That's my gut feeling.

 

Polywog, thanks for the idea, but for me it's not that. I am not grieving. I dont' know if he is though - he won't communicate