Should I break NC for his birthday?

[questioning1]

Hi-I'll try to keep this to the point, but it's complicated. This is my first post, but looking at prior posts, I know that the readers have given some great advice.

 

Ok-BF and I dated for about a year. Both of us are in our late 20s. Dad died earlier this year, and his attitude towards me completely changed since that point. Every week it was like he was a different person. One week he loved me, the next he hated me, and the pattern persisted. He would always apologize and I understood. The last time that we physically saw each other was great. You could tell that he was still grieving (loss of weight, bags under eyes, etc), but I could tell that he was happy to spend time outside and that he was happy to spend it with me (and I with him). He thanked me for always being there for him, and told me that he was really thankful that I stuck through it all with him. He promised that he would try to work on us, and that he didn't want his attitude to affect me. I was very excited to see some of his old self back.

 

Well...the pattern started again. He said that he would try to see me more, but wasn't sure when he could. He said that he wasn't sure when he would get angry again, and told me that he just needs time alone when that happens. He didn't want to upset me, but wanted me to know that he still cared about me and is working on his attitude. That's fine, but one of his best friends comes to visit him every other week now. He told me that he has gotten into fights with this friend as well, but they are like brothers and his family has asked the friend to check on my ex because they worried about him. His brother is also my ex's roommate, so I know that he does need to visit occasionally. I still feel as if he isn't adverse to seeing all people (as he has a roommate and friend), so I felt like he was mainly avoiding ME.

 

I broke things off last month, because I just couldn't take it anymore. It was really starting to affect me. I was becoming angry at him, and I left him a not-so-nice voicemail essentially dumping him. I did regret that, but it's so difficult to see him in person now, that I didn't know what else to do. I did go over there to apologize, and he wouldn't open the door (big surprise!). I left a message about how I cared about him, but that this was too much for me. I have a lot of pressure with my job, and it was starting to affect me. I called him a week later and we talked. I apologized for my mean message and he was pretty upset. He told me that he didn't understand why I thought that he didn't have any love in his heart. He said that he doesn't want us to hate each other. We had the official break-up talk (we'll stay friends) and we both said how we only wanted the best for each other. It essentially ended with him saying that he still has my number. I said that maybe in a month or 2 we could have coffee, and he responded with a maybe. He told me that I don't have to worry about him dating anyone, as he doesn't want a new relationship and that he doesn't ever want to go out anymore. WTF???

 

Needless to say, I feel like a schmuck. I think I've jumped the gun, but this situation has put a lot of stress on me. We've had NC for 3 weeks now. His birthday is coming up in about 3 weeks, so I am not sure what to do. I feel like he doesn't want me to contact him (with the I still have your number bit), but I know that it would hurt him if I don't for his birthday.

 

My friends think that we will eventually get back together, but I'm not so sure. I am a lot happier now to tell the truth, as I have more time for friends/life and I don't have to worry so much about his attitude. I do miss him, but I can't go back into that pattern again. He refuses therapy, so I know that's not an option. I normally would just let it go, but he has always been such a good bf prior to this. I've never lost someone close to me, so I'm not sure if this is a natural way of grieving.

 

Advice? Was I wrong? NC forever?

[CaliGuy]

NO!

 

If you are on NC with someone, that means NC regardless of the situation unless it's life threatening.

 

Why wish someone a happy birthday who doesn't want to be with you? My ex's birthday is coming up. I could care less. No card, no email, no anything.

[Guest]

I am a lot happier now to tell the truth

 

If this is true then what is the problem? If you're happier than leave him alone to grieve the loss of his father and now you. Let him go find someone that deserves him.

[Faith2]

I disagree with CaliGuy.

 

I've never lost someone close to me, so I'm not sure if this is a natural way of grieving.

 

There really is no such thing as a natural way of grieving. The death of a parent takes us into uncharted territory - you really just don't know how you will react until it actually happens to you. It sounds like he is struggling badly with the conflicting emotions that grief brings up.

 

It can be devastating to go through your first birthday alone after a parent has died. The loss will be felt all over again. For this one occasion of his birthday, I would advise you to put aside your NC for the day, be the bigger person, and do him the kindness of sending him a birthday card at least. I don't think it would be misconstrued as any effort toward getting back together, but rather I think both of you would feel better for showing that someone is still living who remembers his birthday with kindness.

[2ndIINone]

Normally I would agree with Cali as well.... but not this time.

 

YOU broke up with him and not the other way around.

Death of a parent.... ugh! Currently, my father is pretty sick.... without getting into details. And I find myself short tempered, mood swings... it's not easy. YES, he should try to have some control over his emotions that include you and how he's been 'different' with you. But everybody is different.

 

Bottomline.... Ultimately, you ended things with him. Jumped the gun? Maybe a little. Maybe you could've just distance yourself from him for a while. Cause I'm sure you 'tried' to talk it out with him, but I'm sure he wasn't in the right mindset.

Death of his father... (you only have one)

Problems with you....

and whatever else is goin' on in his life.... adds up to alot very quickly.

 

This is his first birthday without his father I assume?

 

Go ahead and send him a Happy Birthday message. In this case, it's not a bad idea to let him know someone is thinking about him.

 

memba, you are the dumper and he is the dumpee. If he was on here writing about your birthday coming up, I would say NO, don't send anything to her, but since it's the other way around... situation considering... go ahead.

[CaliGuy]

What's the purpose of wishing him a happy birthday? Are you expecting something from him? Like a chance at reconcilliation?

 

He's showing you a pattern of love/hate. He's not fit to be in a relationship with you right now.

 

Understand why the urge to contact him and make sure you have no ulterior motives. I know what it's like to lose a parent and his behavioral patterns suggest that he's having a very hard time dealing with it.

[chryssy83]

I don't think there is anything wrong with sending him a card so long as you aren't expecting anything in return. If it's really just you wanting to wish him a happy day, then go ahead and send it. If it's you hoping he calls when he gets the card in the mail, then don't because it's not fair to him.

[questioning1]

Hey Everyone!

 

Thanks for the advice. I actually did call him, and we had a really good conversation. He was really happy that I called, and I think that it would have hurt him if I hadn't. We will always be friends, and right now I think that's all he can really handle. I think he knows that I care for him, and told me that he's really glad that I've been there for him. I'm not sure if a reconcilliation is what either of us wants right now, but I'm happy that we can be friends. Thanks for the thoughtful comments, and I'm really appreciative to all who took the time to respond.