Thank you, everyone! My ex wants to start again.

[Nanachu]

Hi All,

 

I just want to thank all of you here.

 

My ex broke up with me about 6 months ago and started to contact me few months after the break-up. He did not say the magic words, so I kept LC; I never initiated contacts, only replied back once a while.

 

Last 1 month or so, he started to mention about meeting up. I did not take it. I have had a strong feeling for him and wanted to start a relationship with him again. However, I knew that I was not ready to see him and act OK. Even though he may bring up a good news, I was not ready to be in a relationship with him again. If I jumped in, back then, I knew that I would make the same mistakes and we would end up in another break-up. I decided to myself that I should not see him until I can truely feel I can completely let him go and feel happy without him in my life.

 

I have not posted my comments so much here, but have read many people's posts and responses. I have also read tons of books to improve myself. Last week, I felt the time came and accepted his offer to meet.

 

He asked me to get back, rather start anew. He talked about his issues and apologized. He also talked about our issues and what we should do together to make this relationship work. He has not been with anyone after the break-up and showed me how deeply he missed me and thought about our issues and improvement plans from now on. I opened my heart as well and shared about my thoughts. We were on the same page. We decided to start as a casual date and to try to get know each other better. We are not picking up where we left out.

 

I am not sure what will happen to us now, nobody knows what will happen. I may get hurt again. Although we both really want to work this out, we may not be able to. But, I am ready to try. I learned a lot from the break-up. Although it was exremely tough and painful, I can now say that the break-up was a good thing for us, especially for me. If he did not break up with me 6 months ago, we did not value each other like this and really think about the issues within ourselves. I feel much better about this new relationship with him. Again, I am not nearly close to perfect and may make mistakes, but still I am confident that I will do much better this time.

 

This positive and open thinking did not come to me if I did not find this website. Getting him back is a great thing, but more importantly I am happy with myself.

 

Thank you very much, all!

[PWSX3]

Congratulations!!!!!!!

 

If you have both changed then you are looking at it in the right light, it won't be the same as it was before, you don't want it to be the same as before because that didn't work.

 

Me & my W of 25yrs are giving it a second chance & I have to be honest with you it has been a little awkward at first, but I can only suggest that you take it slow and easy.

 

Maybe going to a couple retreat or seminars would be a good thing. Me & the W have talked about doing this sometime this summer.

 

Sounds like you have done the most important part and that is look inside yourself & hopefully your BF has also done this.

 

Remember you can't live on "LOVE" alone. I totally agree with you, what I have learned from people here on LS has been the best thing for me.

 

There are some really good books out there about marriage & relationships & I would suggest you pick up a few and read them. As a very wise man here at LS (Gunny) has suggested, we need to read at least one or two books a year about relations and I have to agree. We can never learn enough, men & woman have different ideas, thought process, & it helps to understand there is a difference. We won't ever figure out why but we can learn to live with it.

 

Again, its great to hear you are giving it ago chance and like you said; you aren't sure if it will work and maybe you will get hurt again but at least you can say I gave it a try & it worked or it didn't and I learned.....

[marlena]

I'm happy for you and I hope it all turns out perfectly for the both of you.. I am in the same situation and so I know how tentative and awkard the first steps towards reconciliation are. And how frightening as you know you are running a high risk and making yourself vulnerable once again. You were right in delaying to see him rightaway. Waiting til you yourself as an individual were at a better place was very wise. Hopefully he did a lot of soul searching as well. If he has, then, I hopw you can bring your relationships to new heights!

Good luck to you too PWSX3

[PWSX3]

THANKS!

 

I'm just glad to hear there are others out there that are welling to give it another try. To look at themselves and realize they also had a part in why things didn't work out the first time & to take that chance one more time.

 

At least in my experience if things don't work out "I" can tell myself; self you did what you could do and things just weren't meant to be, but I didn't leave that "what if" out there.....

[Nanachu]

Hi PWSX3 and Marlena,

 

Thank you very much guys! It is nice to know that you guys are working well too. Yeah, it is strange and scary. I could finally come to the point that I am OK without him and I had nothing to lose. Now, I got him back meaning I have a thing to lose, an important thing. It is scary...

 

But, I will try! Hope both of you are doing well with your partner!

[eroche]

Even in my own misery, I am truly happy for you. I hope you guys can move into a higher level and start really to be there for each other and enjoy the things you will do again.

 

This is good news

[CaliGuy]

It's nice to see some glitter of shining hope among the misery that is most of what this forum is made up of

 

We're happy for you! CONGRATS!

 

(Take it nice and slow. No need to rush only to end up where you started)

[amaysngrace]

It's nice to see some glitter of shining hope among the misery that is most of what this forum is made up of

 

We're happy for you! CONGRATS!

 

Yeah like what he said ^

 

Congratulations!!

[marlena]

Thanks guys! Of course in many ways it feels wonderful to be back together. In others, it is frightening! You can't help wondering, "I got that far! I had started to move on! Why am I allowing this?" I hope all goes well but if it doesn't I know I have all you terrific peple in here to lean on! Thanks!

And Cali, I will try to take it slowly, very slowly and carefully!! Christ, in many ways its like walking on eggs (or coals maybe?)

[Trialbyfire]

It's always nice hear about the ones that work out. Good luck!!

[marlena]

It's always nice hear about the ones that work out. Good luck!!

 

Thanks for the kind wishes,TBF! Mine however is not a success story...rather it is an adapted version of an old story whose ending can go either way... good or bad, and the scales tilt towards bad I'm afraid. You see, nothing has been resolved yet and I feel it is only a question of time before the ghosts that had driven us apart in the first place will come out of their hiding places and wreak havoc all over the place. This is the situation at the moment. One thing I am fully certain about is this. If things don't turn out well this time round, the sands will have definitely run out for me! Take care.

[marlena]

Thanks AmasynGrace,

There is a silver lining behind every cloud! Think of all the big,dark clouds in your life that you thought would never disperse..but they did..they do for everyone ..whether sooner or later is not what matters..what matters is holding on to hope until that day dawns without a cloud in the sky. Be well!

[andy5128]

Hi Marlena

Great news to hear you are back with your ex. I agree with the majority and take it nice and slow. I myself have just got into the first stage of re-initiating contact with my ex. So I hope I get to post some good news too in the near future. Will just have to wait and see..

Andy

[PWSX3]

Thanks guys! Of course in many ways it feels wonderful to be back together. In others, it is frightening!

I feel this is a good thing, that means you are on your guard and it helps you make sure things are what you want.

You can't help wondering, "I got that far! I had started to move on! Why am I allowing this?" I hope all goes well but if it doesn't I know I have all you terrific peple in here to lean on! Thanks!

And Cali, I will try to take it slowly, very slowly and carefully!! Christ, in many ways its like walking on eggs (or coals maybe?)

I had the same feelings at first, you feel like you have to be on your best behavior. You are afraid the first time one of you do something wrong things will end up just like they were before.

 

For me & my W we are learning we need to talk, and talk a LOT....

Our MC told us when things bother us to deal with them right then, don't wait if you can help it. We also set at the table once a week and just visit. We talk about things we want in our relationship, we talk about money, we talk about anything. If you don't want to do that maybe go to a park or to the lake, but just set and visit with each other for an hour.

 

Like I said before you don't want it to be like it was before because that didn't work, so use the past to help with the new beginning. If you feel like it is to much like the past then change it, do something different.....

 

I have also tried to eat healthier & exercise more & I see I really need to work hard on that as well since the W is the opposite, but I can't use her as an excuse, I keep telling myself "I" need to keep on track.

 

I have read some really good books in the past 7 months such as; His Needs, Her Needs, The Five Love Languages (which I'm reading again now) and Separation Rescue, which has homework that you have to do. That one is taking some time to do, but it helps you learn more about your spouse or partner.

 

Just like anything else, books don't give you the answers but take what you can from each one that fit your situation and like I said; it has helped me.....

 

I wish you the best, I understand what you are going through & it isn't easy, but then any relationship will take work none of them are easy, even a friendship relationship takes work..

 

p.s. You also have to remember every situation is different & I'm just trying to suggest things that are happening with me & they might not work with you but at least it gives you something to think about.

[marlena]

Hi Marlena

Great news to hear you are back with your ex. I agree with the majority and take it nice and slow. I myself have just got into the first stage of re-initiating contact with my ex. So I hope I get to post some good news too in the near future. Will just have to wait and see..

Andy

 

Hi Andy,

Great news for you! I hope you have good news to post soon too! take it nice and slow and try to set new foundations - forget the old - Have my fingers crossed for you!!!

[marlena]

Hi Marlena

Great news to hear you are back with your ex. I agree with the majority and take it nice and slow. I myself have just got into the first stage of re-initiating contact with my ex. So I hope I get to post some good news too in the near future. Will just have to wait and see..

Andy

 

Thanks Andy! Yes, I will take it nice and slow!!! After all, new foundations have to be built and that will take some time!!!! I sincerely hope you have some good news to post too ...and soon! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!!!

[marlena]

Hi Marlena

Great news to hear you are back with your ex. I agree with the majority and take it nice and slow. I myself have just got into the first stage of re-initiating contact with my ex. So I hope I get to post some good news too in the near future. Will just have to wait and see..

Andy

 

Thanks Andy! Hope you have some great news to post soon too! Yes, it is all about stages ...taking things slowly and gently a timy step further each time ...like making a cake from scratch ...getting the ingredients and and quantities just right ...Know that I am keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well for you!!!

[marlena]

Oops! Double post! Must have been that phone call (and those popping grey cells perhaps)! Now my wish is twice as potent!

[marlena]

I had the same feelings at first, you feel like you have to be on your best behavior. You are afraid the first time one of you do something wrong things will end up just like they were before.

 

Couldn't have said it better! Always have to be on our best behavior! Always afraid one of us will make a slip and switch into past mode!

 

 

For me & my W we are learning we need to talk, and talk a LOT....

Our MC told us when things bother us to deal with them right then, don't wait if you can help it.

 

I totally agree with this. Couples should try to resolve issues as they surface. To keep things bottled up inside can only lead to surpressed anger,resentment and frustration! We are still evading issues mostly because I don't think he has worked out much in the time we were apart! It is true I am rather doubtful about the outcome of the whole thing. It seems like you and your partner used the tim apart constructively to get a good picture of yourselves and why the relationship went wrong to begin with. You are at a good stage and I am confident all will go wonderfully for you both.

 

 

Like I said before you don't want it to be like it was before because that didn't work, so use the past to help with the new beginning. If you feel like it is to much like the past then change it, do something different.....

 

Interesting thought! One I will surely ponder upon! Yes, indeed. What cah I possibly do to turn the situation to our benifit?

 

 

 

I have read some really good books in the past 7 months such as; His Needs, Her Needs, The Five Love Languages (which I'm reading again now) and Separation Rescue, which has homework that you have to do. That one is taking some time to do, but it helps you learn more about your spouse or partner.

 

MOst definitely they provide a great deal of insight and are thought provoking! As is LS and all the magnificent people in this forum!

 

 

I wish you the best, I understand what you are going through & it isn't easy, but then any relationship will take work none of them are easy, even a friendship relationship takes work..

 

Yes, it does take work! That's why I have always been in LTRs because I'm a bit pig headed and don't throw in the towel that easily!! Good or bad that is who I am.

 

 

p.s. You also have to remember every situation is different & I'm just trying to suggest things that are happening with me & they might not work with you but at least it gives you something to think about.

 

Yes, dear friend, you have given me a lot to think about! I cherish your every word and will give your thoughts and suggestions a great deal of consideration! Thanks heaps and be happy!

[Guest]

Congratulations! i'm passing through and I've just read your message. It's good to see that there are people out there who realise relationships take a lot of work, and to keep trying, even when things aren't so good.I had a similar experience and I'm now happily back with my boyfriend of 4 years. It's like everything comes clear when you're apart...almost as if a "penny drops"! You have to take care of yourself aswell, and take it slowly. It seems to work out even better than before...I know a lot of people who have hed the same experience. Good luck!

[Nanachu]

Guest: thank you very much!

 

You are right, it takes a work. I cannot deny that it is much tougher than starting with somebody new who you do not have any history of issues.

 

I care about my ex (well, current BF) so much that I thought it worths my effort. Fortunatelly, he felt the same.

 

People here wishing or wondering about the second chance, please know that it will not be easy. First of all, both still need to be attracted to each other, respect as a person, and strongly wants to work things out willing to change their ways since it did not work out for the first time. Also, we need to let go the pain we got from the first relationship. I cannot deny that I am still afraid of getting hurt again, meaning he will do the same thing again. It is very hard for people to change. I accepted the risk. Yet, the monster of bad thought keeps coming back to me. At the moment I left from a happy date, I start to think about "what if" he is changing his mind right now. It is not easy.

 

I decided to take this risk and also to be honest with him, no more games to retain him. My best GF told me that she left off in the middle of second chance since it was too hard. She still sometimes wakes up crying after a dream of being with him. It has been 7 years and she is with a wonderful guy right now.

 

Please guage your feeling to your ex. When we are dumped, we tend to think about ex's feeling only; what he is thinking about me, what he is doing, is he dating someone, etc... Rather, please think about your feeling when you wish for the second chance. Do I really want to be with him? Can I take the risk of getting hurt again? Can I change? Most importantly, will I be happy doing this? Please take your time and really think about these, not just thinking about how to get ex back.

 

I am happy. I wanted to change for myself, not just for the sake of keeping him. Improving your issues for yourself is different from being completely somebody else to keep your ex for you. I will be happy after all those efforts if he dumps me again.

 

Please please please make yourself happy.