brie Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and I've known that he has a picture of his ex-wife getting out of the shower. It is from the neck down but the waist up. Ok...so, we have been having some issues lately. I was feeling badly about our current situation and how we haven't been as close lately. He did e-mail her asking something about the kids and he was, imo, a little too "friendly" saying he gets nervous when shes around and gets goosebumps. He told me he meant in an uncomfortable way.....and so I asked him about the picture. I asked him why he still had it and he said because its his and he wants it. I tried to ask him why he wants it so badly and he told me that he doesn't want to get rid of a picture for someone only to regret not having the picture later. Okay....so this made me even more uneasy. Why would he regret getting rid of a picture of a naked ex? He hasn't been with her for 5 years and he has sooooo many family pics of them and they're 2 kids. I don't mind the clothed ones, but theres something that really bugs me about the naked one. His reaction just to the question of why he has it was very strong and defensive. It wasn't a very big deal until he said that. It felt like there was still such a strong attachment. He says he sees no big deal in having it and it doesn't mean anything. So..why is it so hard to get rid of then? He cheated on her and he cheated on a prior serious girlfriend, and that adds to my insecurity. I'm not ashamed to admit it, because it is a big weakness of mine that I try to work on. I never told him he had to get rid of it. I simply asked why he still has it and got a very strong reaction. So, please don't yell at me Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 I think it's weird too. At least he isn't hiding it from you. How about telling him that it makes you uncomfortable and you would really appreciate it if he would get rid of it. His reaction will tell you alot about him. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 I wouldn't sweat it. I have "nude" pictures of my ex, and I've been divorced for almost seven years, haven't communicated in 36 months. They are in a lock box, in a safe next to the birth certs, div. papers, and other stuff. It really isn't a big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 Yeah, my first question is where IS this pic ? When I met my last BF, he had pics of the " ex that ruined his life" that he hated with a passion on his walls and fridge ! After we got serious I was just like " take them DOWN" and he complied. I have no idea where they are and don't want to. I wouldn't get rid of every pic of an ex because its MY history, but he would never see them unless he did some hard core snooping ! It's the fine line between respecting your partner AND yourself. Good luck ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author brie Posted May 5, 2007 Author Share Posted May 5, 2007 I think it's weird too. At least he isn't hiding it from you. How about telling him that it makes you uncomfortable and you would really appreciate it if he would get rid of it. His reaction will tell you alot about him. you're right. i never asked and one day in the early days of "us" he brought it up. he thinks its funny because she would hate hate hate the fact that he has it. I wouldn't sweat it. I have "nude" pictures of my ex, and I've been divorced for almost seven years, haven't communicated in 36 months. They are in a lock box, in a safe next to the birth certs, div. papers, and other stuff. It really isn't a big deal. Well, he has communicated with her but I'm fairly sure she doesn't want anything to do with him. What bothered me most was his reaction. I just wouldn't want to be with someone if they still wanted someone else. Whether she is interested or not, I'd feel like the commitment to me is solely based on the fact that she is unavailable. This is why I'm uncomfortable, and I know I could definitely be wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 Yeah, my first question is where IS this pic ? When I met my last BF, he had pics of the " ex that ruined his life" that he hated with a passion on his walls and fridge ! After we got serious I was just like " take them DOWN" and he complied. I have no idea where they are and don't want to. I wouldn't get rid of every pic of an ex because its MY history, but he would never see them unless he did some hard core snooping ! It's the fine line between respecting your partner AND yourself. Good luck ! Its in an album behind family pics that he keeps in his closet. I have never gone looking and I would never. I hate being snooped on and I don't do it. But, like I said, the reason it even bothers me is the way he got very defensive when I just asked why he has it. In the beginning of our relationship he wasn't over her yet and he would talk about her and their relationship and get sappy when certain songs came on. I guess it makes my jealous mind wonder, if you're over her, whats the big deal? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 This might end up getting posted multiple times. Sorry about that. Yeah, my first question is where IS this pic ?QUOTE] Its in an album behind family pics that he keeps in his closet. I have never gone looking and I would never. I hate being snooped on and I don't do it. But, like I said, the reason it even bothers me is the way he got very defensive when I just asked why he has it. In the beginning of our relationship he wasn't over her yet and he would talk about her and their relationship and get sappy when certain songs came on. I guess it makes my jealous mind wonder, if you're over her, whats the big deal? Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 OK.. you have said it yourself now. The ex doesen't want anything to do with him. Let it go. Stuff like this has very little value to men. Men live much more in the now. A few years back my daughter who was visiting took (without asking) things out of my house that her mother asked her too. Sentimental things like a box of pictures, letters, and holiday cards, my "half" of the wedding pix. Why? Becase my Walk Away Wife forgot about them in the property disposition which was uncontested, I let her take absolutely everything she wanted out of the home and gave her 45 days to do it. Why did her mother want those things? I haven't a clue. It was years after the divorce and she was engaged to the OM when it happened. When I asked in an e-mail her answer was "I knew you didn't need them". Actually she was correct. I hadn't looked at the stuff since she left, and it's doubtful I ever would have. Phew, the difference between men and women baffles me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brie Posted May 6, 2007 Author Share Posted May 6, 2007 That sounds like she just wanted the extra win. We do love our control over men You're right. I need to just let it go. I just wanted advice because of the way he acted about it. I did talk to him again and he said he was considering getting rid of it. I told him not to, unless he truly wants to. And, after more discussion, he said anytime I want to see it, I can. Just so he can show me theres no big deal about it. He said he just doesn't like getting rid of pictures. Now, there may be more to it that he just isn't saying (it took him a verrrry long time to get over this girl and sometimes I'm not convinced he really is now) but, oh well. I guess I just have to deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted May 6, 2007 Share Posted May 6, 2007 Brie, truth is sometimes men (the only gender I can speak about) never get "over" past loves. Am I over my ex wife? No never will be. I harbor resentment and bitterness for being treated badly in a 25 year marriage. Would I take her back (after almost 7 years?)..... that's a toughie. I do know that at 57 years of age I am not looking forward to the prospects of growing old any dying alone. Still, it's unlikely that after all the agnst, I could accept her back without so much animosity that it would be worthless. Do I think of her fondly... no, never. And you are correct.. she was after "one more win". I understood that and was disgusted rather than angry. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted May 6, 2007 Share Posted May 6, 2007 I wouldn't let it bother you. Maybe he keeps it because he knows she wouldn't like it. Also there might be a story that goes with it. Who knows I also have pictures. I have a 5 X 7 box (Locked) full of stuff. Pictures, necklaces, hair pins, cards, tickets, etc... Things that mean a lot to me. I'll never get rid of them no matter what anyone says. Even if there are pictures I shouldn't have, I keep them just to say I have them. Probably some sick thing I do but sometimes if I go thru the box and see something I'm like, "ha ha I have this." Link to post Share on other sites
Author brie Posted May 6, 2007 Author Share Posted May 6, 2007 It is disgusting that people do anything they can for one last stab at someone. Well, she did leave him, so it does make sense it took him a while just to come around in our relationship. Plus, they have young kids together and I know he misses his family. My emotions get in the way sometimes but, I'm a rational girl. I just want to be more important than the memories of her. If that makes sense. Not of his kids, don't get me wrong. I am not one of those women who are jealous of their partner's children. I love how happy he is when he sees his kids. He told me he'd never take her back because it wouldn't be the same and she isn't the person he fell in love with. I know I love him in the unconditional way she never could and hopefully thats enough. Link to post Share on other sites
konfuzd Posted May 6, 2007 Share Posted May 6, 2007 I go thru the box and see something I'm like, "ha ha I have this." I think this statement is bang on. I have always been astounded that every time a guy sees a pair of titties, it's like the first time he's ever seen a pair, and he gets all shaky and into Bevis and Butthead mode... "boobies, hahaha" I wouldn't worry about it, I don't think it has anything to do with who is in the picture, more of what it shows. The important thing is that he's with you now, and whether this image is in his possesion or not, it will always be in his head, not much you can do about that. A lot worse things he could be doing. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted May 6, 2007 Share Posted May 6, 2007 It is disgusting that people do anything they can for one last stab at someone. Yes and no IMO. The "good" person would walk away but being able to have the last laugh is something some people like to do. I think this statement is bang on. I have always been astounded that every time a guy sees a pair of titties, it's like the first time he's ever seen a pair, and he gets all shaky and into Bevis and Butthead mode... "boobies, hahaha" Your infer of that statement is a little different from what I was talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
caramba Posted May 8, 2007 Share Posted May 8, 2007 I would not tolerate it. I don't see a reason for him to have a naked/half naked pic of his ex-wife. I wouldn't like it and I wouldn't approve of it. I think it's disrespectful to you and to her. Link to post Share on other sites
megnog Posted May 9, 2007 Share Posted May 9, 2007 hmmm i have been dating a guy for over three years now and he still has all these old love letters and videos and pictures of some of his exes. it bothers me but i figure theres not much i can do. a naked picture though, would probably get to me. infact, after i think the first two years of us dating, i discovered a lovely porn that him and his ex had made. it hurt me to know he still had it, but it was only expected of a guy. i just hoped he hadn't watched it since we'd been dating and have old feelings for her. nevertheless, he doesn't have that tape anymore. there is no way i'm going to date someone who may or may not be jerking off to an ex and their video tape. my bf made me get rid of a bunch of pictures and letters from my only other serious bf and i regret it now. but none of them were naked pics and certainly not nudey videos. i am sorry he is not willing to get rid of it. maybe you could do the ol' backwards deal where you ask how he would feel if you had a naked picture of your ex. see what he says... if nothing comes of this and he still HAS to have the picture, and you still want to be with him, let it erase from your mind. it will only contribue to problems in your relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted May 9, 2007 Share Posted May 9, 2007 You have a good reason to be upset... You have waaay more patience than I do...I would have kick him to the curb a long time ago... I think he's a jerk for being stubborn over a picture... If my bf would think that his ex's naked picture was more important than my relationship with him.. I would definitely kick him out of my life. You don't need that type of crap in your life... He's being macho and I hate macho men! Link to post Share on other sites
Author brie Posted May 9, 2007 Author Share Posted May 9, 2007 I said something very similar to him. I asked him if the picture was more important than our relationship. He said no. And around then is when he said he'd get rid of it if I never brought it up again. Link to post Share on other sites
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