Best to just walk away?

[Happytoes]

Back in July of '01 I met a man online. At that time in my life I was new to the city and wasn't interested in romance as much as I was looking for a network of friends. He too was new to the area and we became fast friends online. After a time we met and the fireworks hit instantly. I fell for him and I felt he fell for me too. A few weeks past after actually meeting and I found out he was married. I was completely heartbroken and he went away without so much a goodbye.

 

Several months later he contacted me. I was shocked and so angry. He apologized over and over and we started talking, this time with him telling everything and being honest. I came to notice that married or not my feelings for him were real and I couldn't help the fact that I had profound feelings for him. Since then for the better part of a year we have been off and on. I would tell him no more and mean it and some time would happen and we'd bump into each other. No matter who would walk away from the other fate being cruel kept putting us together in the most kismet of ways.

 

After a while we had tried everything. Just talking online. Me dating other men and even using him advice etc etc. Nothing worked and we'd always end up in the same comfortable situation of being the others place to run and hide. We have very little secrets between the two of us, but no one knows in our lives that the other is there.

 

Recently my obligations in this town has ended and I've decided to move back to my hometown. I feel it is for the best and its time to move on and without him. Really the only way to break this off is for one of us to move away. As it stands we are more than willing to travel the 30 miles that separates us already. I know he loves me and I love him, but it will never work between the two of us. I will be moving next week and recently I've been having thoughts of telling his wife, just to get it all over with. Perhaps a complete confession is what is needed here. My problem is that I just don't know if I'd be doing that just to make sure that he doesn't cheat with another woman when I leave. As messed up as it sounds it would break my heart if he had another affair after me. I know my moral fiber has taken a toll from this relationship is this just another sign of my downward spiral to hell?

[midori]

You blame circumstance and kismet for your recurring encounters with this guy, but if you're serious about ending it you will. Not by telling his wife, which would be horribly cruel and unfair to her, but by closing all ports of entry. Moving is good. Changing your email is good. Not giving him your new address or phone number is good.

 

Besides being very selfish and very cruel, telling his wife is unethical, because you're foisting the burden of severing your relationship with this guy onto HER. Why on earth should she do your dirty work for you? It's not like you're trying to do her a favor, as you yourself admit. You want to end your own cycle with him, and prevent him from hooking up with another mistress because your pride couldn't bear it. Neither of which have anything to do with her best interests.

 

Just imagine how it would feel to have your husband's erstwhile mistress get in touch with you to spill the beans. Far worse than having him fess up of his own initiative.

 

I hope that you can extricate yourself from this and find happiness for yourself in your new city, hopefully with someone who can be with you fully and openly. But please don't hurt this woman in the process.

[Girl]

Sweety, please stop kidding yourself that this is 'love'. It's a very strong emotional hook I know... but your strong 'love' feeling was created and is based on nothing more than lies and illusions.

 

Any man who is new to an area and on the net looking for a 'friend' and who is NOT straight up, off the bat, that he's married is NOT looking for a 'friend' per se, he's looking for a plaything to fill the void of his last one in his last area..... my guess is he's also got a few other girls on the go (to cover for when you pull away).

 

He wanted to make sure you were hooked on the net then he wanted to make sure you were hooked in real life BEFORE he told you he was married (that's IF he had the balls to tell you, you said YOU found out, so maybe he didn't even fess up of his own accord - makes him an even bigger toad), knowing you were already hooked all he'd have to do is give you a bit of time to cool your jets and then play music to your ears to reel you back in. I'll bet he's a real charmer and smooth as silk.

 

You're deluding yourself by believing he's being honest with you, you have 'very little' secrets between you and that he loves you. I'm sure his wife believes he's being honest with her, I'm sure his wife believes they have very few secrets between them, I'm sure his wife believe he loves her too. Not quite the case, is it. Don't fool yourself into thinking the exact things he's doing to his wife, he's not doing to you (he's done this before and he'll do it again). Don't fool yourself into thinking you're the 'special' one coz you're not... he'll do and say anything to get HIS needs met, end of.

 

If you really feel you 'love' him then you need to remind yourself and stay aware of what love really looks and feels like for you. From the stuggle you're having I can guarantee you this man, this situation is NOT it, you know the truth, you just have to allow it.

 

It does seem you have lost your emotional bearings.....

 

I agree with Midori that telling his wife with the intent being to end it for you is entirely irresponsible. You'll be doing nothing more than continuing to show yourself just how weak and powerless you are to take control and end a situation YOU are responsible for creating in YOUR life. Also, if you think that by doing that it's going to "make sure he doesn't cheat with another woman" you are sadly mistaken. It will not magically give his wife some power to change who he is thus changing his lying, cheating ways. Only he and he alone can do that. I get where you're coming from emotionally speaking with your thinking but it's way off. Affairs are all about avoidance, which is based on fear; fear of being honest, fear of confronting the truth, fear of commitment - for both parties. They're cowardly.

 

Reality is this guy won't fess up to his wife on his own, just not going to happen... he doesn't possess the conscious to go down that road and of course why would he spoil his own party?. Morally and ethically speaking I feel his wife SHOULD know. He is humiliating her in the face of trust and all that goes with the institutioin of marriage, she deserves to know her husband is stabbing her in the back like this. She has a right to know what's being done to her, as much as she has the right to decide whether she'll stay with him or not. These are the ONLY reasons you should contact her.

 

If you want closure.... take responsibility for yourself, get to the point where you see him for the true dog he is, call her with the RIGHT intent which will give you your power back and walk away.

[Tolkien]

The simple fact is that you got involved with a married man. I don't care how much you thought you loved him, or how much you thought you "knew" each other.

 

You don't have his trust, love or respect, plain and simple. If you had his trust, well you never had that because he wouldn't be cheating on her with you. You don't have his love, because he is married. And you definitely don't have his respect because, as Girl said, all your doing is filling a void in his life.

 

If I were you I would move, and forget about him, go on with your life. CUT all contact with him, because now that you have been involved, in even talking to him, you are cheating on her, because it could lead to, well... you know.... whatever you've done.

 

I don't mean to put you down, but I see what you've done as just as bad as cheating on someone. You knew he was married, and you did this anyway.

 

He may have manipulated you very well, but let this be a lesson for you, just so it doesn't happen in the future.

[Ally Boo]

Moving on is the best thing you could possibly do. I was in a similar situation...although he wasn't married...he still lied to me about some things that really hurt me and shocked me, we didn't talk for 3 months. The same situation happened...he appologized...and "everthing" was ok...until I realized he was just a compulsive liar who I guess loves drama...who knows. I regret giving him the second chance to this day.

 

Please move on, it will get easier with time, but time is the only thing that will do it. Midori said it perfectly...ITS TIME TO GET TOUGH ON YOURSELF!!

[finalba]

Hi there,

Sorry to hear of what you are going through. It is hard to break even if you have never met the person. I am finding it hard to break from a contact just on the internet mainly and only a couple of phone calls so it must be so much harder if you have met him etc.

 

It would achieve nothing to tell his wife, it will just hurt her. You will not do that if you are a good person, it will not help you in any way and it will make her feel terrible.

 

Hope things work out for you.