Do I really want him back or am I just lonely?

[funkify]

I have been on and off with my boyfriend for about 3 years, the previous 2.5 years were perfect. We got together very young (18, I'm 23 now) and I thought he was everything I ever wanted. Then 2 years into the relationship I went overseas and the last thing I ever thought would happen did...I kissed another guy. I beat myself up over it for so long afterwards but never told him because I figured it was a mistake and I'd have to learn from it. But...the experience changed my opinion of him ever since. I started feeling there was someone better out there for me, the world has many possibilities etc. On and off we were because I doubted my love for him. He kept taking me back because his feelings never changed.

 

But...the most recent breakup changed him. He started having nsa sex (totally out of his character) and eventually found a girl he really wanted to be with. I believe I've made a terrible mistake by letting him go. A classic case of 'the grass is greener.' No man I've met has come even close to him, even though I thought there was better.

 

I want to speak with him one last time to tell him everything I feel before it's too late. He can't throw away a 6yr relationship over a 1 month one can he? My time is short. I know he always had deeper feelings than me so perhaps I can make him realise how I was wrong. But I always wonder...am I feeling this because I know I can't have him now? Or is it really true love?

 

What are some signs that can help me to realise if my feelings are true?

[amaysngrace]

Make a list of what he brings to your life and what he takes from it. Be honest and be realistic. Is he the prize you think he is? Or are you just having mixed emotions now?

 

Write it down and come to your own conclusion. Good luck.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

But I always wonder...am I feeling this because I know I can't have him now? Or is it really true love?

 

What are some signs that can help me to realise if my feelings are true?

I think you've already found your answer

A classic case of 'the grass is greener.' No man I've met has come even close to him, even though I thought there was better.

 

I want to speak with him one last time to tell him everything I feel before it's too late. He can't throw away a 6yr relationship over a 1 month one can he? My time is short. I know he always had deeper feelings than me so perhaps I can make him realise how I was wrong.

So now it's just a question of deciding what to do about it. If you do decide to try and get him back then you will need to put in a lot of time and effort rebuilding the trust that has been lost. You will also need to go by his timetable until he feels comfortable being in a relationship with you.

 

Whatever you decide, good luck!

[chryssy83]

From a moral perspective, I don't think you have any business going after him if he's with someone else now. I realize that you knew him better, dated him longer, and that what you had with him was more special than what he has with her. So far, anyway. But it's not your place to mess with people who are in relationships.

 

Is he just with her 'cause he can't be with you? Maybe. But if that's the case, he will either realize it and end it himself or he won't and maybe it'll turn into the right thing for him. Bottom line is that I don't believe it's ever okay for relationships to end because of a third party's involvement.

[funkify]

I think you've already found your answer

So now it's just a question of deciding what to do about it. If you do decide to try and get him back then you will need to put in a lot of time and effort rebuilding the trust that has been lost. You will also need to go by his timetable until he feels comfortable being in a relationship with you.

 

Whatever you decide, good luck!

 

Really? What is my answer?

[daphne]

Really? What is my answer?

 

You want him now that you can't have him.

[CaliGuy]

Really? What is my answer?

 

You want him now that you can't have him.

 

Pretty much. That's basically what happens in most second chances.

 

Then when you get them back, you don't want them anymore.

 

Humans. We're insatiable.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

Really? What is my answer?

If the following is true:

No man I've met has come even close to him, even though I thought there was better.

then do whatever it takes to get him back.

 

Although it's possible that daphne:

You want him now that you can't have him.

and CaliGuy:

Pretty much. That's basically what happens in most second chances.

 

Then when you get them back, you don't want them anymore.

 

Humans. We're insatiable.

are right. Only you can decide what you are really feeling. Once again good luck.

[funkify]

Thanks guys. Well, I spoke to him and poured my heart out. I told him how all I want to do is spend the rest of my life finding new ways to make him happy etc. I reminded him of so many memories of our 6 year relationship. I even made him let me hug him so that he'd feel my body and remember the love he had for me.

 

BUT...the last few weeks since he's met this girl, he has forgotten everything between us. He even said he forgot how it felt to love me. He used to literally be obsessed with me, more than I ever felt for him. I nearly even got a restraining order against him at one point. Now in a few weeks he feels absolutely nothing. 1 mth ago he was pleading for us to get back together. I don't understand how someone can just forget so easily. I said to him I feel like an evil force is getting in the way of our happiness and dreams we always had for our life together. But, he feels that I'm the one interfering in his happiness. He actually said that if we got together he would probably cheat bc his heart wasn't in it. Just goes to show how much he's changed. This morning I felt suicidal, I was so close to taking a bunch of pills...but I didn't. He saw that I was a mess last night and said he was worried I was going to do something stupid. However, I texted him that I actually did (stupid I know, but I wanted him to know how much he'd hurt me and how much I loved him)...and he ignored the text. He ignored a suicide threat! I'm in pieces...I'm just shattered.

[Guest]

Bet you wont do that again. I laugh at woman like you. Too bad you were too stupid to realize what you had. Now you haven't found anything better so you come crawling back to what? COMFORT. Move on stop taking pills and get a new life. SKEEYA

[CaliGuy]

You're both young. You still have a long way to understand who you are and what you want out of life before you'll recognize it in another partner.

 

He has an addictive personality, I think. He just replaced you with someone else. So the attention he had on you is now focused on her. He's not sure what he wants, but he knows how he felt about you in the past and he was deeply hurt. I am not making excuses for him, but do understand that if you want a chance with this guy, don't push him and don't appear weak in his eyes.

 

Just go on and live your life the best you can. Trust me, they always come sniffing around when they realize you are happy without them. Always.

[D-Lish]

I think you just want him back because you are upset at not being the center of his world anymore.

 

It's awesome to be adored- not so awesome to be rejected. It changes and confuses things.

 

If nothing else, you need time to address how you really feel.

Take that time- it's important that you do.

[funkify]

Thanks guys, the past 24 hours have been so horrible. I don't even want him anymore, I feel he's changed I don't even know him anymore. Our relationship was great but also had a lot of heartache; nasty words to family, cheating, stalking...the whole nine yards. Not so ideal now that I think about it.

 

I feel like such a fool now about the 'fake' suicide attempt, especially that it was ignored - how ridiculous. I feel like the biggest loser. I'm not a nutcase at all, I'm just in so much pain...more than I could ever imagine. My thinking sways from rational to irrational. I'm angry he's made me feel like such a mess and a loser. My self-esteem has hit rock bottom, I feel like a loser who nobody would want to be with. And I have no faith in the world. I just feel like everything is f**ked up

[Yernasia Quorelios]

Although it will sound hollow at first, keep repeating this phrase whenever you can, especially when you are feeling really bad:

 

"I accept the way I'm feeling. It won't last and sooner or later I will feel better."

 

It will help to accelerate you past the intense emotional stuff and on to the rational processing stage - and remember, what you are going through is perfectly normal and natural.

 

Once again good luck.

[stace79]

I can't stand women like you...you are the spitting image of my ex's ex, only sadly, he still falls for the games you pull. You don't want him, you just want him to continue adoring you and putting you on a pedestal, and an undeserved one at that.

 

You blew it. You missed your chance. Now suck it up and move on. Don't make some other woman miserable because YOU were too blind to realize what you had when you had it.

 

He deserves better than you, and his current gf deserves better than to have you mess with her life because you're an idiot.

 

Stop with the games, and act like an adult.

 

Thanks guys. Well, I spoke to him and poured my heart out. I told him how all I want to do is spend the rest of my life finding new ways to make him happy etc. I reminded him of so many memories of our 6 year relationship. I even made him let me hug him so that he'd feel my body and remember the love he had for me.

 

BUT...the last few weeks since he's met this girl, he has forgotten everything between us. He even said he forgot how it felt to love me. He used to literally be obsessed with me, more than I ever felt for him. I nearly even got a restraining order against him at one point. Now in a few weeks he feels absolutely nothing. 1 mth ago he was pleading for us to get back together. I don't understand how someone can just forget so easily. I said to him I feel like an evil force is getting in the way of our happiness and dreams we always had for our life together. But, he feels that I'm the one interfering in his happiness. He actually said that if we got together he would probably cheat bc his heart wasn't in it. Just goes to show how much he's changed. This morning I felt suicidal, I was so close to taking a bunch of pills...but I didn't. He saw that I was a mess last night and said he was worried I was going to do something stupid. However, I texted him that I actually did (stupid I know, but I wanted him to know how much he'd hurt me and how much I loved him)...and he ignored the text. He ignored a suicide threat! I'm in pieces...I'm just shattered.

[krzr]

what comes around goes around..........

 

too bad the majority of ppl on LS are wishing for this scenario to happen to them. its a shame u came to the realization that you had a good thing and let it go and know he dosnt want to come back. it also sounds like u guys had alot of problems and it was not a healthy relationship and should be put to rest after being away from you for sometime he has probably realized the exact same thing and would simply rather start new with this new girl then to relive old problems with you.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

The break-up happened for a reason. You have to come to terms with the way things unfolded -and it is safe to say, you, allowed most of it to happen to the relationship.

 

With that said, I think you tried to fix the situation in the least amount of time with the worst strategy; bandaged the core problems with a simple "Spill-My-Guts/Suicide-Attempt" fashion. This back fired.

 

You should have known better -but the damage is done. Truth be known, you can't speed-up something as delicate as a relationship -it will not turn out for the better.

 

Learn from this experience. Panicking your way through this ordeal must have felt like a last resort for you -one that initially must have been rational and safe -but deep down you KNEW it wouldn't have worked.

 

Probably one of the reasons why he didn't want you back: (1) The cheating stood out from everything else you two shared together. It stabbed him right in the gut, and he couldn't look pass it. (2) You rejected him. You didn't see him as good enough -you wanted something/someone more fulfilling -and that made him feel like a loser for ever believing in someone so shallow and uncaring, i.e. you.

 

Don't contact him. Ever. Again. Move on. But this time, reflect upon your soul and paths in life; and make it up to yourself to gradually understand the dynamics of your cheating behavior.

 

Oh, and stay away from rebounds. This is time for YOU -not HIM, or ANYONE ELSE. Good Luck.

 

Sand&Water

[funkify]

I can't stand women like you...you are the spitting image of my ex's ex, only sadly, he still falls for the games you pull. You don't want him, you just want him to continue adoring you and putting you on a pedestal, and an undeserved one at that.

 

You blew it. You missed your chance. Now suck it up and move on. Don't make some other woman miserable because YOU were too blind to realize what you had when you had it.

 

He deserves better than you, and his current gf deserves better than to have you mess with her life because you're an idiot.

 

Stop with the games, and act like an adult.

 

For your information, we BOTH made mistakes. I only cheated once and never have I forgiven myself. He cheated twice (that I know of) both times when we were seeking help and relationship counselling. He was even stalking me at some stages as well as verbal abuse. He has the potential to be very deceiving and will always make you believe he is the victim. I have summarised 6 years in a few paragraphs so there is much information left out and you can't judge me unless you know all the information.

[alphamale]

We got together very young (18, I'm 23 now) and I thought he was everything I ever wanted:

trust me....at 23 no one knows what they want, or how to get it.

[stace79]

Actually, yes I can judge you. You are willing to cause another woman (his current girlfriend) an immeasurable amount of pain and heartache to satisfy YOUR wants and needs of getting back your ex. Leave him alone. You don't deserve him. Don't cause someone else unnecessary heartache because you are just now realize you were an idiot. Further, you don't really love him, you just don't want him to love someone else.

 

For your information, we BOTH made mistakes. I only cheated once and never have I forgiven myself. He cheated twice (that I know of) both times when we were seeking help and relationship counselling. He was even stalking me at some stages as well as verbal abuse. He has the potential to be very deceiving and will always make you believe he is the victim. I have summarised 6 years in a few paragraphs so there is much information left out and you can't judge me unless you know all the information.