AaliyaA Posted January 9, 2003 Share Posted January 9, 2003 Hi all, TIme and time again I and many of my friends have this problem with guys. Why is it that they hardly ever call when they say they're gonna call, but then still end up calling after a period of time which is considered rude but still within a reasonable amount of time? Well here's the deal, this guy that I have been dating for 4 mos, where the last month has become more serious, still has a big problem with calling. I have casually mentioned to him that it irritates me that he doesn't call when he says he's gonna call. Why does he still have bad phone manners, even though our relationship is progessing? How can I tell him this without seeming needy or overbearing? How can I get this through his thick head once and for all that it is very rude not to call when he says he will? And since I have pride I won't call him either, but after a day (or 2 at the latest) either he or I will end up calling. This was always problem from the very beginning when we first met, but it has improved, but it has NOT improved enough. So please tell me what to do? Thanks, AaliyaA Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted January 9, 2003 Share Posted January 9, 2003 I have been going out with a guy for over a year and a half. I send an sms to him and get nothing until around 12 hours later. He hardly ever gets my sms's because his inbox is always full and I hardly ever get a phone call from him (usually more from his mum). What did I do? I don't call him unless it is urgent. He will call when he wants too, me nagging won't help. I also sent him an email saying that I will not sms him again. Saves me getting annoyed because he doesn't respond. (btw we do have a loving relationship, we both work in the IT industry so email and sms is the easiest form of contact during the week in short, we are both geeks ) Don't accept his behaviour at all, simply say to him when he says he will call. 'Please do not say that if you don't mean it" when he says he does say "I will believe you when I see it and will not expect or wait for your call" Sooner or later it will hit them. Tough love it the way to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AaliyaA Posted January 9, 2003 Author Share Posted January 9, 2003 Hey thanks for the great way to approach my guy, I think I'll use my own version and it goes something like this: Guy: "I'll call you tommorrow" Me: "No you won't" Guy: "What?" Me: "I said that you won't call, because you never do when you say will" Guy: "Yeah I call" Me: "Alright, for now I am RIGHT and U are WRONG, but u still have a chance to prove me wrong" Guy: "Okay I know I am right, because I WILL call you tommorow" Any other suggestions and insight as to why guys do this? The next time he does this again, I'll use your (Kat's) approach word for word. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted January 9, 2003 Share Posted January 9, 2003 Good luck It is annoying as hell, just remember it doesn't mean they don't care. males for some reason have a really bad memory and list of priorities in the wrong order! Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted January 9, 2003 Share Posted January 9, 2003 If a guy doesn't call you when he says he will...he's non-committal..and you might not want to pursue much of a relationship with them. You can't teach them...they learned that calling when they say they will, is what they are supposed to do, at a very young age. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted January 9, 2003 Share Posted January 9, 2003 Do the above script if you want to be a nag. IMO, the best solution is to just be out doing fun things when he does finally call, or to be busy doing something else so you can't talk for long. Eventually he will realize that if he wants to get a hold of you, he will call when he says he's going to call. I think actions work better than words to get your point across... Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted January 9, 2003 Share Posted January 9, 2003 I'm not sure why guys (sure there's women out there like that, too?) can be like this. If anything, I think it can show you just how dependable they are..or aren't. If you can't even count on them to keep their word and call when they say they will..over something small like phoning.....how will they be about keeping their word when it comes to bigger things in life, down the road? Is it a sign that they aren't dependable? Irresponsible? Have problems with setting priorities? Are forgetful? Take you for granted? Don't make you a priority? Get sidetracked really easily? The thing is, though, you've confronted him about this..in a non-confrontational way...so you've let your feelings be known (whereas before, he could have said "well I didn't know she felt that way).....so if he continues to fail to call when he says he will, then you're going to have to re-evaluate things...and decide if 'this' is something you can live with. How is he in other areas? Does he keep his word when it comes to keeping dates he's made with you? Is he on time when it comes to picking you up for a date? If he says he'll do a favor for you, does he actually follow through? If there's any kind of 'pattern', then that would be more of a concern. What age is he? Is he just a scatterbrained person? Some people just don't feel comfortable phoning......I've gone through periods of that myself, with guys I've dated........where for some reason or another, I won't call when I say I will...mostly because I can't get over that feeling that I'll be seen as pestering them (like if they ask if I'll call them at work to say 'hello' and I agree to it, but then don't)........or maybe I'll come across as 'too available'.......but that for me would only be in the beginning of a relationship..not after 4 months. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted January 9, 2003 Share Posted January 9, 2003 this is terribly hard to do, but simply not being available except for when he said he'll call if the only way to teach him for life. i know from persoanl experience how hard that is, because you feel like talking to the damn guy, and you gotta say that you can't talk, yada yada ... -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author AaliyaA Posted January 9, 2003 Author Share Posted January 9, 2003 Hey All, I think someone said that he's not the commitment type... but I think thats being to judgemental. Because he's good in other ways, he's always on time and hardly ever sells out if we have set a date (and on the few occasions that he cancels he feels really bad, BTW I cancel more often than him), its just that he can't call on time! Anyways I have tried more discrete tactics, like not being available when he calls, not calling when I say I will, etc., etc. and they work temporarily because he gets upset, but then he forgets and does the same thing to me - aaarrrrrgggghhhh! And the few times that I have casually complained to him about not calling he says sorry, which is kinda hard for him to do. But yet he still does it. So now what? Thanks for all the responses BTW. Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted January 9, 2003 Share Posted January 9, 2003 ...you may just have to accept this as part of his nature/personality......and face the fact that he's not going to change/be able to change......and you'll have to either deal with it as just one of his 'quirks', or you'll decide that it's a deal-breaker and you'll move on. Sounds like he has some good characteristics, and things about him that you're attracted to/like.....so if you've tried talking to him, you've tried the 'tactics' and nothing's worked, then I'm afraid the ball is now in your court......you either figure out if you can be happy with it/accept it, or not. By the way, what's his excuse? Does he say he 'forgot' to call you? Does he say he 'got too busy'? Does he have a hectic work schedule/hectic life? Is he always on the go? Surely he must attribute his lack of calling to "something"...so what reason does he give you? Does he carry a cell phone, by the way? (read: very easy access to a phone) Does he sometimes go several days without calling you? What's the longest period of time? Is it at all possible, and I don't mean to upset you here, that he's seeing 'other women' on the side...and he can't call when he says he will because he's obviously not able to? Could that be a possibility? I once briefly dated a guy who was strange. We'd go out, he'd call me up from time to time....for example, say he'd call me on Sunday evening. Well, at the end of our conversation, he'd say to me, "Okay, well I'll call you Wednesday night." He was always so 'rigid' and unspontaneous........would always seem to 'book' the times he'd next call me, several days in advance. I found that weird. Most people, especially when they start dating, don't set 'times' when they'll call, several days in advance....they'll just call whenever..... As it turns out, with him, the reason for him being so rigid and these lapses in time where he wouldn't call....were due to him dating other chicks at the same time LOL (needless to say, I skidded his butt in a big hurry). The guy must have had a day timer, just for keeping track of all of us, and when he was free/busy/could call. A moron! Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted January 9, 2003 Share Posted January 9, 2003 But yet he still does it. So now what? Accept or reject. He's not going to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted January 9, 2003 Share Posted January 9, 2003 I don't think you can get ' he is a bad b/f and don't keep going out with him' from ' he forgets to call sometimes' That is highly judgmental and wrong! Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted January 9, 2003 Share Posted January 9, 2003 Hehehehe, I told my b/f I wasn't going to sms him or anything again. What do I get?? An email at 11pm saying how much he loves me and then a call at 7:30am to say hello Awwwwwwwwwwwww Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted January 10, 2003 Share Posted January 10, 2003 Originally posted by AaliyaA I think someone said that he's not the commitment type... but I think thats being to judgemental. Call me crazy, but if a guy can't stick by his promise to call you back...which is a commitment....why would you expect him to stick to any other promise or commitment. I don't think that's "judgemental" I think it's logical. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AaliyaA Posted January 10, 2003 Author Share Posted January 10, 2003 Okay, here is the deal and I am going to post a new thread about this too. I just met up with my guy yesterday and we had a long, deep, and honest talk about everything. I asked him if he ever saw me as his girlfriend in the near furture and he said YES ofcourse otherwise he wouldn't be with me in the first place. Then I brought up the whole phone deal and found out that he does not call on purpose sometimes because he likes to keep me on my toes so that I won't take advantage of him and to also see how much I miss him. The reason why he did that is because he was too nice to his other girlfriends and they used to walk all over him and so this time he is trying to be careful. As for the other times he simply forgets or he thought that I was supposed to call him. So anyways he said that he will improve upon it. And after the long talk we had I know that he is the commitment type for sure, I mean his longest relationship was like 4 years and he is 26 now. And from what I hear he treats his women like a queen. I understand now that he is trying to be careful and keep me interested as well because he really likes me - sure its game-playing but its all good, because I can play too. Thanks for all your help, and if the phone calling does not improve I'll be the first to let you know. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted January 10, 2003 Share Posted January 10, 2003 Last time I checked the guys chased the girls....wtf is up with that keeping you on your toes crap? I'd give him something to keep him on his toes...my fist!! hehe Link to post Share on other sites
Author AaliyaA Posted January 11, 2003 Author Share Posted January 11, 2003 Ally Boo, there is nothing insane about that. In fact, from what I hear and what I have read lots of guys do that. And yes he is playing a game, but so am I. But neither of us are really chasing each other. Because his game may be the phone thing, but I use other tactics on him... like canceling dates sometimes, making my friends and career/school a priority, deciding where I want to go, etc., etc.... And he knows as well as all my friends know that I am NOT chasing him. We are or WERE actually just practicing the dating game rituals. Anyways now we are progressing to the next level, the honesty and trust level, and I think that these games will gradually come to an end. So Ally Boo, why can't you just be happy for me?!?!? Because I am happy and he's happy. And look at Kat's relationship... they have been going out for a year and are in love. For many guy's thats just how they operate, and if you can't accept it then that's your preference. But I DON'T appreciate you forcing your views on me and insisting that he's a bad guy because he just doesn't phone on time. Yes it is frustrating, but oh well, no one is perfect. I mean is that really how you judge guys! I don't think so! You are supposed to judge them on more important qualities like if they are ambitiuos in life, a hard-worker, compliments you, encourages you, is honest, is there when you need him, and so on. I mean if you would dump a guys just because he doesn't call, but yet has all or most of the above-mentioned qualities, like my Guy, then that is INSANE!!!!!!!!!!! Kat if your still here then back me up PLEEEZE. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted January 11, 2003 Share Posted January 11, 2003 Guys who use the excuse "I used to get walked on so I am now going to blame you for their mistakes" is ****ING PATHETIC! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AaliyaA Posted January 11, 2003 Author Share Posted January 11, 2003 Anyways I dunno how SOME people on this thread turned from nice to really mean and judgemental. Hmmmm.... Especially Kat what happened to you? I thought you understood and now you are totally jumping the gun and making derogatory comments. There is no unresolved issues my guy is going through. After every relationship people learn from their mistakes and move on. I do, and so do you I bet. So his mistake was jumping in a relationship too fast, and now he's learned to pace himself and yeah he's putting me through tests. But honestly we all test our partners in ways, like will they actually come over when I am sick, will they call me when they leave town, will he still love me without makeup, will he plan something romantic for Valentine's and so on. So he has learned from his mistakes in the past, but there is no blame I feel he is putting on me. I don't even see how that could be. I just see him taking a different approach to things to make our relationship work and last. I mean it would be bad if someone kept on taking the same approach and never learned how to do things better. Here is the reverse example, what if it were a woman who was with a dominating man who was say verbally abusive, and so for the next relationship she decided to be more careful in the beginning by being stronger, etc., I bet all you people would be praising her. So why the double-standard?!?!? Now if someones wants to argue, please argue against all my points I have illustrated throughout this entire thread rather than just simply stating "thats pathetic" or "that's insane", otherwise I just see your remarks as unreasonable and they will go in one ear and out the other! Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted January 11, 2003 Share Posted January 11, 2003 There is a difference between your first post and then saying that he had an excuse and what it was. So abused women move on and take their past relationship out on the next one?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AaliyaA Posted January 11, 2003 Author Share Posted January 11, 2003 If you have an argument then present your case formally. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted January 12, 2003 Share Posted January 12, 2003 Take it or leave it. Don't preach it. I offered advice and what I thought. Don't ask if you won't accept it Link to post Share on other sites
Author AaliyaA Posted January 12, 2003 Author Share Posted January 12, 2003 Yes you offered advice at the beginning and that was great and I did appreciate it. But then I later was NOT asking for advice I was just updating you and others on my situation. But then you replied by putting down my guy - so do you really think you were advising me. I think not!!!!!! Kat I think you need to learn the difference between offering advice and making offensive comments - and I REALLY do mean that. Anyways I think this thread went totally off topic, but if anyone wants to continue talking about the issue at hand of why a lot of guys are bad with calling then that would be great. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted January 12, 2003 Share Posted January 12, 2003 In all honesty my comments were not offensive. I stated that if someone did "a" than it is rude or whatever. You are sounding very defensive and I think you need to look further into why. Maybe you know he is taking past lovers problems out on you. So much that you have to jump in and defend you and him and try and make me out to be the bad guy here when it isn't me at all. All I can say is you are getting way too worked up about what I said, for someone who doesn't care about what I said! Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted January 13, 2003 Share Posted January 13, 2003 I'm just going to say it how I see it. If you are going to post for "advice" take the advice, either good or bad, and do with it as you wish. You should not attempt to insult a person who is trying to help YOU! No one is obligated to read your posts, or take the time to respond to them and try to "help" you. We do this out of free will, and your attitude is quite disrespectful and immature. If you can't handle getting advice DONT ASK FOR IT! Secondly, it's obvious that you are young. That's fine, but a lot of us have had rose colored glasses AS YOU ARE WEARING, and they got slapped off of our faces by a thing called REALITY. You apparently want to experience that on your own...and that's fine...knock yourself out....or let reality do it for you. But if you only want to experience life your way, then don't ask for advice, when all you are going to do is argue it and belittle it. Its a waste of your time and ours. The objective of this website is to educate, inform and share. Debate intelligently...but NOT argue. No one is trying to insult you or belittle you, so please don't try to do that to us. Be an adult when participating, or don't participate. You are the one making this into an unpleasant experience, and if this continues to be your attitude, I will refrain from reading your posts, and save my time for people who actually DO need and WANT help. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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