Would you be happy about this?

[poorlittlefish]

My boyfriend was renting a room by himself. For the past month he's had an "aquaintance" move in, who was only supposed to be there temporarily. However, this man has now moved his girlfriend into the room too (there are only 2 single beds in the room).

 

At first I was OK about it because I thought she would only be there for a couple of nights while they found themselves somewhere to live. Instead it looks like they are going to be a permanent fixture so my mind is working overtime. All I can think of is her wandering around in her underwear or worse and I've even been wondering if she and my boyfriend are getting it on together.

 

Yesterday my boyfriend and I were just about to have sex when he told me he'd accidentally found "dirty photos" of his room-mate and his girlfriend on his (my boyfriend's) laptop. This totally killed the moment. I thought nothing of it at the time, but a few minutes earlier he'd said about taking photos of me naked, I'd said no and he'd said he was only joking. It makes me think that he's seen photos of the other man's girlfriend so he wants to compare me with her. She is 10 years younger than me, how can I compete with that?

 

I am insecure enough about my body as it is (I am 9 years older than my boyfriend), so why on earth would he think I'd be happy to know he's seen intimate photos of the girl sharing his room? Did "joking" about taking photos of me remind him about what he'd seen on the laptop or was he thinking about her when he was making out with me?

 

I said that I didn't want to hear things like that and he said he'd not gone looking for them, but the fact he saw more than one means he didn't exactly just close the window as soon as he realised. I pretended that I was OK because he won't deal with me being upset about anything, but inside I feel horrible knowing that she's living with him and that he can look at pornographic photos of her whenever he likes.

 

I can't talk to my boyfriend about this because I know I won't get any kind of reassurance (he says he can't be responsible for someone else's feelings) so I'm venting my frustration here .

[norajane]

Yesterday my boyfriend and I were just about to have sex when he told me he'd accidentally found "dirty photos" of his room-mate and his girlfriend on his (my boyfriend's) laptop.

 

So his friend put the pix on there without bf knowing? That's a little hard to believe, isn't it?

 

I am insecure enough about my body as it is (I am 9 years older than my boyfriend), so why on earth would he think I'd be happy to know he's seen intimate photos of the girl sharing his room? Did "joking" about taking photos of me remind him about what he'd seen on the laptop or was he thinking about her when he was making out with me?

 

Yeah, he's not worrying about whatever flaws you see in your body. He just wants nakey pix of you, and pix of the two of you having sex, so he can later wank to them. He 'joked' because he wasn't sure how you would take it if he asked as a serious request. He used the 'joking' thing as an out. However, he didnt intent to hurt your feelings. He just wanted the pix of you and was hoping you'd be up for it.

 

I said that I didn't want to hear things like that and he said he'd not gone looking for them, but the fact he saw more than one means he didn't exactly just close the window as soon as he realised. I pretended that I was OK because he won't deal with me being upset about anything, but inside I feel horrible knowing that she's living with him and that he can look at pornographic photos of her whenever he likes.

 

You'd be hard-pressed to find a man who wouldn't look through all the naked pix he found on his computer. There aren't many who would stop after the first one and close the window.

 

How old is he that he can only afford to rent a room? Sounds young, like college age maybe? If he's that young, then you probably can't expect him to kick his friend and his gf out.

 

Don't pretend it's ok. Tell him it's making you uncomfortable that she is there, and you don't think you can handle seeing him knowing that he's got a girl living with him. If he won't take your feelings into account...then is he really the kind of guy you want to be with?

[poorlittlefish]

So his friend put the pix on there without bf knowing? That's a little hard to believe, isn't it?

 

No, I believe him on that score because although it's his laptop his room-mate seems to use it for whatever he wants. I know he deleted some of my boyfriend's music without asking him so it wouldn't surprise me that he's putting photos on it without asking him.

 

Yeah, he's not worrying about whatever flaws you see in your body. He just wants nakey pix of you, and pix of the two of you having sex, so he can later wank to them. He 'joked' because he wasn't sure how you would take it if he asked as a serious request. He used the 'joking' thing as an out. However, he didnt intent to hurt your feelings. He just wanted the pix of you and was hoping you'd be up for it.

 

If I said that I didn't mind him taking photos of me now wouldn't that look a bit desperate? That I'm only saying yes because of him seeing the ones of them?

 

How old is he that he can only afford to rent a room? Sounds young, like college age maybe? If he's that young, then you probably can't expect him to kick his friend and his gf out.

 

He's 26. He's only been in London a short while and doesn't earn the kind of money he'd need to get a flat by himself so that's why he rents a room in someone else's place. It's quite common to do that in London.

 

Don't pretend it's ok. Tell him it's making you uncomfortable that she is there, and you don't think you can handle seeing him knowing that he's got a girl living with him. If he won't take your feelings into account...then is he really the kind of guy you want to be with?

 

The trouble is that he's not a jealous person at all and I genuinely think he had no idea I'd be upset by him telling me what he saw. He was certainly very apologetic when he realised and said he'd not deliberately gone looking for them, that he's not attracted to the room-mate's girlfriend or anything.

 

I have to be careful because we've only been seeing each other for a few weeks and when I told him he hurt me over something else he said he doesn't want to be responsible for someone else's feelings and that it was "controlling" of me to make him feel guilty!

 

I didn't want to make a big deal out of something that to him obviously isn't a big deal and I think that to mention it again now (3 days after he told me) will make him think I'm obsessive, possessive, controlling etc.

 

Do you think I should say that I'm uncomfortable knowing he has porn photos of someone he's living with on his laptop and that I would be happier if he deleted them (seeing as his room-mate has no problem with deleting my boyfriend's stuff without asking!). Maybe I should say I'll let him take photos of me to replace them with?

[norajane]

I don't think you should agree to photos of yourself unless you WANT to. Don't do it just to appease him, or in the hope that it will make him less interested in photos of the other girl. Don't do it because you are insecure in the relationship.

 

How long have you known this guy? How long have you been dating? How much do you trust him? How do you know those photos won't be seen by roommate and the roommate's girlfriend since they have such easy access to the laptop?

 

Once you take the pix and he has them, they are out of your hands. Roommate could put them on the internet for all you know.