Is it time to move on?

[Sunflower]

Hi everyone,

I met this guy over the summer and we've been keeping in touch and seeing eachother when we can. He used to call all the time and meet up with me as often as he could, and he kept talking about having a relationship with me, but never actually asked me to go steady with him. He would say that he really really liked me and was interested in me but just wasn't sure yet. Though my instincts were telling me that this wasn't the greatest sign, I figured we needed some more time and left it at that.

 

However, recently this winter his calls have dwindled down and whenever he asks me to meet him, suddenly something comes up, he's busy, really sorry, and can't make it. The first time it didn't bother me. That could happen to anyone. No problem. But one time turned into two, two into three, and I slowly found myself getting a bit irritated. I don't really appreciate it when people continuously make and break promises, and it's worse when they happen to be dates...anyway I am starting to get the impression that he is losing interest in me, or has found someone else, and though that hurts, if that is the case, I can accept it and move on with my life. However, I don't want to act rashly on my own gut instincts or assumptions when that might not be the case at all, but that is how I feel at the moment.

 

I wanted to be crystal clear about where our relationship was headed, so I confronted him about it, telling him I didn't feel so comfortable being in this hazy area between friends and lovers. It's been months now, and I do like him. I just want to be clear so I know whether to move on and date other people or be with him if he wants to be with me. If he doesn't, then I am totally fine just staying friends. However, the problem is, he won't give me a straight answer. He just keeps saying, "I like you so much more than a friend. But I don' t know if I am ready to be in a relationship right now. We've just got so much of our own things to do right now, and I don't think it's the best timing. But I want to be more than friends." What is that supposed to mean? From other dates in the past, I see bright red warning flags glaring in my face at this statement but I just don't want to be completely wrong...I really like this person and I don't want to mess things up by my own assumptions. But at the same time, though it sounds harsh, I am not going to wait around for him to make up his mind. I want to live my life too and thus I am thinking of just moving on now.

 

Are my feelings on the right track? Am I completely wrong or being too harsh? I am just feeling that he won't ever be in a relationship with me. Why does he keep saying he wants to stay in touch and be more than friends though? If he truly truly likes me wouldn't he have acted by now? Should I keep up hope?

Some advice would be really helpful. Thanks for reading this long post. Cheers

[Tony T]

EVerything in love is a matter of timing. This guy is not ready for a relationship...and it even sounds like he wants to see a lot of ladies.

 

I think your best bet is to move on and see other people. You can't be angry at him for being honest with you. Perhaps at sometime in the future, he may be ready to settle into a committed relationship and give you a call at that time...if he isn't seeing someone else. You don't even know how many lady "friends" he may be keeping on a string.

 

Dust him and if you're available when he gets serious about love, make up your mind about him then.

[clia]

LoveShack Translator...

 

"I like you so much more than a friend.

 

I think you are a really nice girl and everything, but I want to keep my options open. I'm trying to be nice about things because I don't want you to hate me, but really, we have no future together.

 

But I don' t know if I am ready to be in a relationship right now.

 

I am not ready to be in a relationship with you. However, should I meet another girl, I could very well be ready to start a relationship with her. You simply are not the girl of my dreams, and I am too much of a wimp to simply be honest with you, especially when there could be possible future sex on the table. See, if I am honest with you, you will not give me sex.

 

We've just got so much of our own things to do right now, and I don't think it's the best timing.

 

The timing will never be right, but again, I would like to keep my options open. After all, with you, there is the chance I could maybe get some booty from time to time, so I don't want to close that door completely. I would rather keep you hanging. I don't care enough about you to invest any time in this, except when it is convenient for me. My schedule is busy, too busy to include you in it. Again, though, I'm sure I could clear it out if I met the right girl. Really, I would rather if you just left me alone. Don't call me, I'll call you.

 

But I want to be more than friends."

 

I want to have sex with you and/or hook up, when it is convenient for me, but I want nothing more than that with you. Ever. You are a nice girl and everything, but this is all about me and my needs. I want sex, and I'm certainly not going to close that door with you unless I am absolutely forced to.

 

I think you are right in how you feel. Ditch this guy and move on!

[Debster]

Your translations were hilarious (and I'd say bang on)!

[Just A Girl2]

I totally agree w/ Clia and Tony. This guy is nothing but a waste of time, and a time-waster (yours).

 

I think the biggest indicator of that is the fact that he consistently breaks dates with you. That's just plain rude and unacceptable. If he's truly so "torn" or "not ready to be in a relationship", then he damn well shouldn't be giving you mixed signals...and asking you out, then cancelling on you. That's just tacky.

 

What's all this garbage about "timing" ? ..this statement of his:

 

We've just got so much of our own things to do right now, and I don't think it's the best timing.

 

Sounds like the world's biggest "cop-out" statement to me. When people care about one another, no matter how busy their lives are, they'll always make time and room for each other, somehow, some way.

 

Can I ask.....are you both intimate at all? (you know, the whole "friends with benefits" scenario) If so, then your 'answer' is even more abundantly clear....and obviously in line with his pitiful and consistent line of "I want to be more than friends".........then in other words, he wants to come and go as he pleases, have the 'perks' of a relationship (sex), but still the freedom to come and go as he pleases, with absolutely no commitment or responsibility or accountability at all. If so, he's a dog and he's using you.

 

But even if you're not having sex from time to time, I think he's really just stringing you along. Okay, so he's been clear (bully for him) that he's not ready for a relationship right now.....but he obviously knows how you feel about him......and he says 'just enough' to give you a little bit of hope, right? Like in other words, the timing is not good "now" but maybe in time it will be?

 

I'm not even sure if this guy is much of a friend. Reminds me of the kind of guys who have a half dozen women they're seeing at once.....the proverbial 'single guy' who's out and about.....who's having fun everywhere he goes and isn't about to give up his freedom, while still getting 'benefits'.

 

Yes, you are seeing red flags, for sure. Trust your instincts. You are right on the money. Things will this guy will not go anywhere.....and if he really wanted to be with you, he'd move heaven and earth to do so.......but that's just not in the cards.

 

Let this fish go. You deserve a lot more...so much more than lame excuses and being stood up and dicked around.

[HokeyReligions]

clia nailed it.

 

 

He wants sex and he's manipulating you.

[Sunflower]

Thank you all for your quick replies. I guess because I finally found someone I really liked after a long time I wanted so badly to make this work, but I think I will go with my instincts, and your advice too. ( Clia, I couldn't help but crack up at your translations, they got a good laugh out of me)

 

To answer JustaGirl2's question, no we have not had sex, but we have gotten physical ( hugs, holding hands, kisses, what not) but nothing seriously intimate. But enough for me to want to figure out where the heck this thing was going...

 

Friends, and nothing more, I can do. I don't know if I even want to be just friends with him anymore anyway. Well, I know in time I will manage. His "more than friends" whatever blah blah is out of the question. No thank you.

 

Time to move on!

Take care all and thanks again.

[Sunflower]

Hi all. I posted this awhile back but I thought I would share an update on the situation and see what your opinions are.

 

As some other recent posts indicate I have started to see other people and am taking things slowly. I have still been in touch with this here guy, strictly as friends, nothing more, talking to him from time to time nothing big. He knows I am dating other people and he knows I understand that he's free to do whatever he wants as well.

 

However recently he's been contacting me every day and making jokes about a future together. One time he called me and said that I was the type of woman he wanted to marry in the future and that after he "upgraded" himself he was going to snag me one day. He asks, "will you wait for me?" He says he wants to see me this coming summer but has to finish up summer studies and isn't sure if he'll be at home at all. But he says then again he might, but then again he might not.."I guess I'll just have to spend a boring summer studying...sigh.." For a guy who likes a woman to the point of thinking her his future wife, it's an "interesting" way he's going about it all. Is he just trying to get a reaction out of me?

 

Frankly, here we go with gut instinct again, I think he's just up to his old whatever the heck he is doing this whole time. Perhaps I was wrong to think even being friends was ok. I told him sorry I wasn't waiting, he didn't show me any reason why I should, and basically told him to get lost until he was sure of what he wanted and then I'd think about it. I wished him happiness and love and that was that. I admit, I still care for him, but hey I gotta do what I gotta do right?

Did I do the right thing? It's the just same old thing rehashed isn't it? I should have dusted him like you all said then, but I thought being friends would be ok. Anyway I have said goodbye. To even being friends. Let me know if I am completely wrong.

[moimeme]

I once had a pal. We got along teriffically together and one day, when he was visiting me at my mom's (totally platonic at that point), he said "I predict that in five years, we will be married". Five years and a few other girlfriends and boyfriends later, we married. It didn't work out for a very good reason, but it had nothing to do with how well we got along and I'd do well to find a similar friend again.

 

Moral of the story; you could stay pals but only if you can also go on with your life. It may well be that you end up together after all but don't put your life on 'pause' waiting for him. However, if you're too hooked on him to see others while 'waiting' then, yes, you should cut him off totally. He could be keeping you in reserve - a 'just in case' nothing 'better' comes along!

[Ladybug313]

You ask: "Did I do the right thing?" yes i think you did.

From what I read about this guy, he just seems really immature. If someone really cared about you, he wouldn't be "stirring reactions" out of you or egging you on, or whatever the heck he is doing. I am sorry, but this kind of behavior really upsets me. And I feel like you are feeling the right things, but you keep analyzing.( ok I tend to do that myself so seeing it riles me up too). For someone who supposedly cares for you, he's making things awfully complicated. And what is this bullcrap about "upgrading himself?"

You seem like a very understanding person who put up with all this. I would have kicked his butt outta there as soon as he started breaking those dates. Alert alert! But maybe I'm just not nice. You said goodbye. Move on. I bet there will be tons of guys out there who can't get enough of you.

I have to find one of those myself. tee hee. good luck to you.