he has a very close female friend...

[Guest]

... and im seriously considering ending it because i really dont think i can compete with her, i dont fancy having another relationship where im not comfortable and secure and we've only just gotten together.

im not talkin a close friend where they just talk and spend time together, this bond is tough, lots of hugging, playfights, smoochin for photos, fav songs, quotes, sexy dancing etc etc etc

i really should just give up now

[little_girl]

:(i've been gone from this forum for awhile but i'm back now...i'm in a similar situation myself...at one time i was the other woman... now i have the man i wanted & went after...but now he still is in contact with an old fwb...i really don't believe it's any more than just talking & e-mails but after all that's how we got together...i know they to have a bond & i guess i can relate to you...but i'm not going to give up yet...hang in there...if it's meant to be it will be...

[norajane]

... and im seriously considering ending it because i really dont think i can compete with her, i dont fancy having another relationship where im not comfortable and secure and we've only just gotten together.

 

im not talkin a close friend where they just talk and spend time together, this bond is tough, lots of hugging, playfights, smoochin for photos, fav songs, quotes, sexy dancing etc etc etc

i really should just give up now

 

That would be too much for me to deal with. Do they act that way when you're in the room too? I'd probably leave if that's the case since his attention is obviously elsewhere - or divided, at best - regardless if he calls her a 'friend.'

 

So why aren't they dating? Is she with someone? Have they ever dated?

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

I don't believe you should bail because of their close friendship, just yet. Give the relationship you have with him a shot.

 

Before you go around making assumptions, and invalid arguments: Talk to him about his history with her. Has he dated her in the past? Where does he currently stand with her?

 

Ask him. Don't at any point project an insecure and vulnerable vibe when you do confront him about this issue -or anything else for that matter.

 

Be confident, and happy with what both of you have together. He is with YOU. Not HER.

 

Sand&Water

[Verona007]

I understand what you're going through. I posted something about the girl im dealing with in "Friends". I've found myself trying to pretend that this girl is one guys-literally. It makes me laugh to think of her with a full on beard hahah. That cheers me up some when it seems like all the guys including mine is paying attention to her again.

 

You have to be strong, and focus on your relationship with your bf. he is with you because he loves you, obviously there's something very special in you that he hasn't found anywhere else, including in this girl.

 

In thinking about my situation, and your situation : maybe our guys are just trying to be "good friends" with this other person, and not trying to ditch them, because they started dating someone. Much like they might do with their guy friends, they're making sure they don't exclude them? Just something I was thinkin

 

If she crosses the line, and does something that would compromise your relationship, or if he's completely ignoring you when you guys are out together and she's there then YES I would bring it to his attention definitely.

[LaChrisa]

I am going through the same thing the only diff with mine is he says he is doing it to be Christ - Like. Which i do things as well for people but I also set CLEAR boundaries with the opposite sex- but he doesnt. But I am trying my best to not give up on us, becaue he is with me and talking about marriage, so keep your head up! Even though I know its hard, try to get those cute little things with him and grow in your relationship.

 

good luck

LaChrisa.

[Carbine]

I honestly don't think that any friendship between a heterosexual male/female is ever completely platonic. Make of it what you will though. Doesn't necessarily mean he'll cheat. Most of my friends are males and while the occasional bit of flirting does happen, that's where it stops as far as I'm concerned. However, I know from the horse's mouth that most of them feel or have felt differently and that if I was ok with it, they'd take it further.

 

I really don't think you'd be doing yourself any favours breaking it off so early on when you don't know the full story. Just wait and see how things pan out. At least you have some sort of awareness of the situation so you can keep an eye on things.

[LovesJim55]

Honestly, I would just speak to him about it. Does he know it bothers you? Just let him know you don't feel comfortable with your boyfriend kissing another girl or even dancing suggestively with another even if she is just his "friend." If he will not listen or compromise I would suggest leaving him because in the long run, it won't work.

[Zona76]

From your standpoint try and view first how it would or could be situations reversed. Do you think it's possible to have a male friend. A pal whom you can simply hang with and know their are no strings attached? This is someone who's like a brother, that you can spill all your secrets to and have no recriminations.

Should your boyfriend feel threatened?

I agree with other posters that tell you to sit and have a discussion with this man.

Let him know what you find acceptable and not. Perhaps she can get a date and the 4 of you can go hang out and have a good time.

Don't let this be that you are feeling jealous. If he really cared for her then he wouldn't be so stupid to do these acts in front of you.

[Guest]

I had the same situation. Mine told me things like 'I love her like a sister' and 'she was there for me during some very hard times'. She told me things like 'he wears his heart on his sleeve' and 'girls always break his heart and he always comes running back to me to put together the pieces'

She told me that she and him were 'soulmates' and 'meant to be'. She was married with a child. He insisted they were close, platonic friends and 'I had nothing to worry about' and that he was 'head over heels in love with me' wanted to get married etc etc.

Fast forward to now, he tricked me into selling my homes, leaving my job and moving to join him in an isolated area where I can't work in my field. Add to this, I found out after moving here, that he slept with her.

Now I'm stuck here with a man who doesn't truly love me (however he claims he does) and I'm miserable.

You should run, far and fast from this man and his 'friend'. There is no end to the misery I'm in and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's a never ending nightmare. I regret every moment with this man and wish the past 5 years of my life never happened.

 

 

... and im seriously considering ending it because i really dont think i can compete with her, i dont fancy having another relationship where im not comfortable and secure and we've only just gotten together.

im not talkin a close friend where they just talk and spend time together, this bond is tough, lots of hugging, playfights, smoochin for photos, fav songs, quotes, sexy dancing etc etc etc

i really should just give up now

[little_girl]

i myself think that life is to short....to worry about things....my fwb...turned boyfriend....was taken away from me on may 11th from a accident....so don't sweat the small stuff...cuz now i'm so grateful for the time we were given.....i'm a better person for knowing him & sharing what little time we had together....just imagine not being able to talk to him...or ever see his sweet smile....or the twinkle in his eyes when he is happy....or how special he makes you feel after making love....cuz i miss this the most....good luck to all of you who struggle with this....& cherish life cuz it really is shorter than you realize....

[lindya]

... and im seriously considering ending it because i really dont think i can compete with her, i dont fancy having another relationship where im not comfortable and secure and we've only just gotten together.

im not talkin a close friend where they just talk and spend time together, this bond is tough, lots of hugging, playfights, smoochin for photos, fav songs, quotes, sexy dancing etc etc etc

 

No, no, no. Screw that. It sounds far too much like some emotionally stunted "how cool are you with our maybe-not-so-platonic friendship? Not jealous, are you???" test.

 

If they want to smooch, have favourite songs together and generally play out their chemistry in front of other people, then they should just go the whole way and have an actual relationship. I hope you're not so attached to this guy that you're utterly determined to stay and fight for his love. You'd be better served walking away and finding someone who wants to flirt and smooch with you rather than his female "mates".

[Quinch]

I have a best female friend. We hug and maybe kiss on the cheek but that's all. We are very close but we talked about it and decided that we wouldn't have a 'relationship'. It wouldn't be worth the risk.

 

I've asked myself what I would do if I ever had a girlfriend who was jealous of our friendship and the answer is I would dump her ass. It's a trust thing. If she can't trust me (unless I've given her good reason not to) then she doesn't love me. You wouldn't ask someone to abandon their sister for a girlfriend who might be gone six months later anyway.

[oppath]

The trust thing is difficult. It's never so simple as "you trust me or you don't." Usually, if someone is insecure, there is a reason. My ex thought I was jealous and possessive because I wanted her to tell her ex, who she was in frequent contact with, about me. She didn't want to hurt his feelings because she started dating me right after they broke up. I wasn't about to tell her "you can't talk to him." I didn't like it, but all I said was "I'm cool with you maintaining a friendship but I want you to tell him you are dating someone." That shouldn't have been too much to ask.

 

I honestly think she may have dumped me because I started acting a little insecure and untrusting; then again, I had reason. I was away for Christmas, and she was acting distant. She called me back at 1am my time Christmas day, I was asleep, and it wasn't technically on Christmas. She didn't seem enthused that week to speak with me. She accepted an invitation to the Charger football game from some guy who was at her bday party that I missed because I hadn't visited my family in 3 years. I'm a huge sports fan, so I'd accept an invitation like that (she is a big fan), but she wasn't too forthcoming about who it was. Naturally, after all this, I asked "does he know you have a boyfriend." Yes. "Ok, I trust you, and I hope you have fun." But she could tell I was insecure, and we ended up getting in an argument the next day because, well, she "had things to do" when I got back into town and couldn't see me for a couple days. Those "things to do" included hanging out with friends. I hadn't seen her in 1.5 weeks. I had never met those friends although she talked about them often. All I asked was "can't we compromise and I can come too" and she wasn't having any of it. She was busy; she had things to do. She was mad at me and felt I was being insecure. Well, the day she started acting distant that week, her ex came back into town and professed his love for her and asked for her back, essentially proposing. I didn't learn this until after the breakup. If she had told me about it, I would have dumped her. Instead I ended up feeling cheated on, even though she said no to him.

 

I came off as insecure and untrusting. I had reason. She was acting distant. I really feel my tone was what led to the breakup -- and it was a good thing -- because she did break my trust. She didn't respect my feelings. I came off as insecure and possessive because SHE acted different because of her ex. The reason I couldn't join her other friends was because they were friends of her ex. Hell, maybe her ex was there.

 

To me, the big thing is this: no hanging out with friends of the opposite sex if I can't meet them and they don't know you have a boyfriend. If they are old friends in your life before we started dating, yeah, you can hang out 1-on-1. But they should know you have a new boyfriend. And one in two/three times you hang out, group or solo, I should be invited, and if I'm not doing anything, I should feel comfortable inviting myself. I have no right to tell a girl I'm dating who they can't hang out with. None. But I do have a right to expect those people to know she is involved. And I have a right to meet them and for them to know who I am. And I have a right to hang out with them, no matter how close they are to my partner, every 2-3 times they hang out. That is a healthy level in my opinion. A girl gets her girl time, absolutely, even if that girl time is with a guy, but I should be a presence.

 

Almost always there are reasons to be insecure. All you can control is how you express those reasons. A simple "I don't really know that person too well, and I want to get to know your friends better. Can I come too?" should be met with "of course." If it's not, RUN AWAY.

[lindya]

The trust thing is difficult. It's never so simple as "you trust me or you don't."....

 

Agreed. I've got a couple of fairly close male friends. When they get involved with girlfriends I've backed off the friendship a bit and focused more on being friends with the couple rather than the individual. Opposite sex friendships sometimes can cause big problems in a person's romantic relationships. Especially when people doggedly focus on the view that such friendships shouldn't create problems in romantic relationships instead of accepting that sometimes they do, and taking steps to minimise those problems out of respect for the romantic relationship.

 

I regard my friendships with guys as important, but I also believe that a romantic relationship should take precedence and that new couples should be given a bit of breathing space to allow their relationship to flourish. I think a lot depends on people's life stage and the view they take about intimate relationships. When you're in your teens and early twenties, there's a major pressure to put friends first....but I think as people mature they tend to focus more on their partners, and accept that their friends will do likewise.

[oppath]

I always back off when female friends get into new relationships. If I invite them out, I try to do it in venues they can invite their new boyfriend.

 

When I am in a new relationship, my friends of both sexes know I am dating a girl I really like. If I'm going someplace with friends, and I can tell she's got nothing planned, I invite her, and unless I really want a guys night out because I've spent a lot of time with her, if she asked to come I would always let her. I expect the same in advance. Most jealousy/possessiveness comes because one person doesn't treat their partner at a level equal to their best friends. I don't care if it is a new relationship, if it is a relationship, I come equal to her best friends, which means I meet them as her boyfriend. everyone knows about me. She shows me off.

 

And if a girl I'm dating starts inviting me out with her friends less...I have a problem with it. I come first. These are the lessons I've learned. If someone else appears to have greater intimacy with my gf, there is a problem.

[Trialbyfire]

... and im seriously considering ending it because i really dont think i can compete with her, i dont fancy having another relationship where im not comfortable and secure and we've only just gotten together.

im not talkin a close friend where they just talk and spend time together, this bond is tough, lots of hugging, playfights, smoochin for photos, fav songs, quotes, sexy dancing etc etc etc

i really should just give up now

This type of behaviour would not be acceptable to me because it smacks of a lack of respect for you, the g/f. I'm guessing his female friend is also acting up for your benefit. It smells of a female marking her territory and your b/f is dumb enough to play along because he's enjoying the attention. Shut it down.