Overcoming the fear of rejection?

[Meka]

Newly registered to this forum. I've suffered from the fear of rejection. I'm 27, and never been in a relationship or in extended communication with any female, still a virgin. Most of the time I've come across a female, before I can open my mouth, the feeling of that unwanted vibe comes from a female and immediately rejects me. If I say, Good morning, no response. Hold door open or give up my seat, no "Thank you" or any gratefulness. A lot of the times I see women with ruff neck, thug guys and that seems to be the entire standard for dating. I don't want kids at all, so I'm more or less trying to feel out those with same criteria as I'm bringing to the table.

 

How do you guys go about overcoming or just approaching and accepting the rejection?

[norajane]

The more rejection you face, the thicker skin you develop. Try not to see it as a reflection on your worth or quality (since they know nothing of that as they don't know you at all), and consider it as just a step in the road.

 

Developing a sense of humor and an easy, flirtatious manner with people can help in the moment. Start flirting with everyone - smiles, compliments - even the guy at the news stand. Eventually it will become second nature, and when a lady turns you down, you can look her in the eye and smile and wish her a good day and bounce back in no time.

 

You just have to get out there and take the chances. All they can do is say no, but it's worth it for the ones that say yes.

[Starry-eyed]

Meka, being rejected is never easy, but it happens to absolutely everyone at some time or another and you just have to accept and put it in context. So what if girl A doesn't like you? What does that really mean? That's her taste and her issue. There are still girls B-Z. You just move on. You don't have to deny that it hurts, but just let it hurt for a bit and then go on.

 

Sounds like you live in an area with a lot of rude women! That surely doesn't help matters for you. But with practice you will probably meet some friendlier people. Like norajane said, develop a friendly, flirtatious manner (as much as poss) and things will eventually work out.

[Yamaha]

You have to look at rejection as her loss. You are a great guy and the fact that she didn't have any interest is your gain. There is a better women just waiting for your attention.

 

It really comes down to self esteem and confidence. You have to believe in yourself and if one gal says no there will be another right around the corner.

[Meka]

The more rejection you face, the thicker skin you develop. Try not to see it as a reflection on your worth or quality (since they know nothing of that as they don't know you at all), and consider it as just a step in the road.

I think that is my problem. The more rejection I receive, the more I am to become reluctant in speaking with females entirely. The skin may become thick, but it also becomes bitterness for my qualities.

 

Like for example: The female I went to school with knew that I liked her, but they rejected me entirely because I didn't resemble the whole bad boy image. But, now that they are with the bad boy and have a baby by them, it's like they try to either manipulate the bad boy into a good guy. What's the point of that if the good guy already exist?

 

It just makes me feel like that all the hurdles jumped and I've achieved in todays market of stereotyping(being black, having kids, lack of education, jailed, etc) is less or has zero value in terms of dating. Where as the guys who have either been to jail or run the streets, etc just get so accepted and never rejected. They have children by multiple women and the women still adore them. Where as, the guys that goto school to become something, we get rejected.

 

There are still girls B-Z.

B-Z have treated me the same as girl A did. No dice there.

 

Sounds like you live in an area with a lot of rude women!

Yes, Boston.

[Lights]

It just makes me feel like that all the hurdles jumped and I've achieved in todays market of stereotyping(being black, having kids, lack of education, jailed, etc) is less or has zero value in terms of dating.

 

I can't help you regarding the dating thing, but I congratulate you on the hurdles you've jumped. It's good that you've done something with your life, and as far as I know, seeing that the people where you are don't value such accomplishment just means that you need to spend your time around other people. (Kind of like someone who's made a significant improvement in physical fitness finding all their local whatever-mates denigrating them because of their own lack of accomplishment in that arena.)

 

It's obvious you value other things in life than the women you encounter do. Have you considered hanging out in different places?

[Meka]

It's obvious you value other things in life than the women you encounter do. Have you considered hanging out in different places?

I have tried the libraries, museum's, church,etc. But, not many women are interested in socializing. I don't go clubbing or bar hopping, That's not for me.

 

But, as someone who is not flamboyant, we guys have so much to compete and compare ourself with other guys who have, fancy cars, financial stability, and other materialism. It's very difficult to get any womans attention and accept the rejection.

 

So, I have come to grips that it's probably best to not approach them at all. If she doesn't approach and accept me for me, then she's just not that interested in me.

[Yamaha]

These women that have rejected you, do they see you as a friend but have no romantic interest in you or are you asking them out and they just flat tell you no dice?

[Meka]

These women that have rejected you, do they see you as a friend but have no romantic interest in you or are you asking them out and they just flat tell you no dice?

 

Both. Some of them use acid lines like, "Sorry I'm a lesbian" or similar just to reject.

[Mr. Lucky]

Both. Some of them use acid lines like, "Sorry I'm a lesbian" or similar just to reject.

You're either using the wrong approach or approaching the wrong women. You might want to try more activity oriented groups - coed softball, bike clubs, service groups, etc. There's less of a meat-market feel and a better chance to meet people with similar interests. After I got divorced, I meet a ton of fun, healthy, NORMAL women playing mixed tennis. Since the focus is on the activity, there's less pressure on you

 

Mr. Lucky

[Meka]

You're either using the wrong approach or approaching the wrong women. You might want to try more activity oriented groups - coed softball, bike clubs, service groups, etc. There's less of a meat-market feel and a better chance to meet people with similar interests. After I got divorced, I meet a ton of fun, healthy, NORMAL women playing mixed tennis. Since the focus is on the activity, there's less pressure on you

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Actually, I was told, they don't like "square's" or "geeks or nerds". That they need someone rough, rugged, etc. I'm not that. I don't have a lot of money either.

[Mr. Lucky]

Actually, I was told, they don't like "square's" or "geeks or nerds". That they need someone rough, rugged, etc. I'm not that. I don't have a lot of money either.

It doesn't take money (or skill ) to play coed volleyball at the Y. It doesn't take money to show up for a book club at the local Barnes and Noble or a chess club at the community center. I guarantee there will be plenty of female squares, geeks and nerds there

 

Mr. Lucky

[dgiirl]

There's less of a meat-market feel and a better chance to meet people with similar interests. After I got divorced, I meet a ton of fun, healthy, NORMAL women playing mixed tennis. Since the focus is on the activity, there's less pressure on you

 

I agree 100%!! Personally, I think this is the best way of meeting someone. Of course, it might take a while before you meet someone, but you actually get to know people without the meat market feel and there's less pressure on both people. Start making friends and let dating come naturally.

[Meka]

Well, What I could do is just allow someone to approach me. If she can't approach me, then she's just not interested. Rather than take rejection, after rejection.

[riobikini]

Meka, look up some of RossK 's earlier posts in this site.

 

He had the same problem.

 

But -with a little luck- the same advice he was given might actually be put to some good use by a (perhaps) brighter person.

 

-Rio

[Mr. Lucky]

Well, What I could do is just allow someone to approach me. If she can't approach me, then she's just not interested.

Hey, maybe you could hide out in your apartment and wait for her to kick the door down and come find you

 

It doesn't work that way. Look for low-pressure ways (many have been suggested) to meet and mix with like-minded women. The rest will happen on it's own...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Meka]

Meka, look up some of RossK 's earlier posts in this site.

 

He had the same problem.

 

But -with a little luck- the same advice he was given might actually be put to some good use by a (perhaps) brighter person.

 

-Rio

 

The advice given to him was to get an escort or prostitute.

[ilmw]

Meka... a lot of this comes down to self confidence.. and a "don't give a damn attitude" as in... Take me or leave me... cause I don't need you... but your lucky I think enough of you to even bother speaking with you...also being a little cheeky... and saying things that can be shocking.. in a funny way.. gets women's attention... (don't have to be rude.. or totally crude)

 

Sounds 'jerk' like.. but... it does help.

 

Work on the self confidence.. it can happen... I have not always had a lot of self confidence.. but I have done and seen things in my life.. that had built up that self confidence...

 

Read some self help books... motivational books.. that can give you a frame work to start building a new confidant you...K

[Meka]

Meka... a lot of this comes down to self confidence.. and a "don't give a damn attitude" as in... Take me or leave me... cause I don't need you... but your lucky I think enough of you to even bother speaking with you...also being a little cheeky... and saying things that can be shocking.. in a funny way.. gets women's attention... (don't have to be rude.. or totally crude)

 

Sounds 'jerk' like.. but... it does help.

 

Work on the self confidence.. it can happen... I have not always had a lot of self confidence.. but I have done and seen things in my life.. that had built up that self confidence...

 

Read some self help books... motivational books.. that can give you a frame work to start building a new confidant you...K

 

But that is just it. You can't pretend to be something you're not. I'm not a jerk so I can't arbitrarily sound like one.

 

Women have more control over the situation than a Man does. So, if she chooses not to talk, then I can't possibly do anything beyond that to influence her to speak to me. ie; No means No.

 

I see women approach these guys with nice cars all the time and they never seem too shy to speak to them. Where as I, I ride the bus to work and school and I'm completely transparent to them, or "not on their level" as few of them have stated.

 

As stated before, I think if a woman doesn't approach me, then she just isn't interested in me or my features. Atleast if the rejection is avoided, then you can still walk away with your pride.

[ilmw]

But that is just it. You can't pretend to be something you're not. I'm not a jerk so I can't arbitrarily sound like one.

 

Women have more control over the situation than a Man does. So, if she chooses not to talk, then I can't possibly do anything beyond that to influence her to speak to me. ie; No means No.

 

I see women approach these guys with nice cars all the time and they never seem too shy to speak to them. Where as I, I ride the bus to work and school and I'm completely transparent to them, or "not on their level" as few of them have stated.

 

As stated before, I think if a woman doesn't approach me, then she just isn't interested in me or my features. Atleast if the rejection is avoided, then you can still walk away with your pride.

 

 

Read back your own post here... Here in lies your problem.. No self confidence...

 

I see all the time... females driving males around in their own cars.. Some of these guys don't have cars themselves.. I can't understand this myself.. but to have met some of these guys... and to see how they tread their woman...(not all, but some) it boogles the mind... why these girls put up with them..?

 

But a lot of it does come down to self confidence.

 

I am not condoning becoming a jerk... and you should not be someone you are not...k

 

The thing is.. not many woman will approach you.. go after you... I have been with woman.. who.. really wanted to be with me.. and after I broke the ice.. this information was revealed to me... surprising me...

 

You never know until you try.. try and try again.. You must never give up... or you will let your situation.. control you ... instead of you controlling the situation...

 

I will let you know... that I have been in similar shoes that you are in... and I do know... the feeling of inadequacy ... No money... No car... etc... If these are things that are holding you back... work on them... because if these are your hang ups... attack them.. win over them... Then you have no reason to feel the way you do. The thing is.. if you are not happy with you.. confident with you... you will find.. that the things mentioned prior... are only a crutch..

 

It all comes down to you.

 

ilmw

[Meka]

the feeling of inadequacy ... No money... No car... etc... If these are things that are holding you back... work on them... because if these are your hang ups... attack them.. win over them... Then you have no reason to feel the way you do.

 

So you're saying, if I don't have a fancy vehicle, I should work on purchasing a fancy vehicle to not feel inadequate?

[ilmw]

So you're saying, if I don't have a fancy vehicle, I should work on purchasing a fancy vehicle to not feel inadequate?

 

No.. I was trying to illustrate.. that even with these things.. you mentioned other guys have... you would not have real self confidence.. as they are only an illusion.

 

Self confidence... can be had by anyone... Its self pride... self worth...etc

 

If by achieving... these material things.. car.. money..etc through your own achievements... finishing school... getting a good job... raising your self above who you presently are...

 

To achieve goals... fulfilling dreams.. through struggle.. makes you stronger.. prouder of you.. Through these things... you can gain confidence.. because you have achieved... and no one can take that away..from you.

 

When people can not take away from you.. because you have gained that strength.. you will see and feel the difference..

 

Hope that answered the question

[rogerloh]

Hi Meka,

 

Have you ever heard that we all can change?

 

Actually, I was told, they don't like "square's" or "geeks or nerds". That they need someone rough, rugged, etc. I'm not that. I don't have a lot of money either.

 

Once upon a time, I was a total SQUARE!! I was an engineer and everything must be logical...and I was so damned boring...never joked, never laughed, always the cold blanket...

 

But through years of personal development, I've changed into a totally different person now :-)

 

If you ask me just ONE thing what you can do to start this change process, it's SIMPLE -

 

"When you're happy, just inform your face - SMILE :-> "

 

Just wear that most beautiful God-given smile on your face everywhere you go and things will start changing.

 

Try it...

 

Lots of Smile,

Roger

[Meka]

Hi Meka,

 

Have you ever heard that we all can change?

 

 

 

Once upon a time, I was a total SQUARE!! I was an engineer and everything must be logical...and I was so damned boring...never joked, never laughed, always the cold blanket...

 

But through years of personal development, I've changed into a totally different person now :-)

 

If you ask me just ONE thing what you can do to start this change process, it's SIMPLE -

 

"When you're happy, just inform your face - SMILE :-> "

 

Just wear that most beautiful God-given smile on your face everywhere you go and things will start changing.

 

Try it...

 

Lots of Smile,

Roger

 

 

But, Why would you change? You're an engineer, you make good money, you're educated, you've done well for yourself.

[dbtmarley]

Meka,

 

From reading your responses to the other posters in this thread I gather that you almost have a defeatist attitude. Not very attractive. I have dated my fair share of women and have faced rejection on numerous occassions. Hell I was even diagnosed HIV positive three years ago and with the prospects of having to disclose my status... i just figured the dating thing was over for sure.

 

I met a beautiful woman... A black woman to be exact who like you described only dated thugs. She is a chemical engineer and was a single woman when I met her and her ex was in prison for something drug related. Now me... I may be a bit rough around the edges and a have a few tattoos, but I am know 50 cent or Jay Z. I am a college educated white man who has a thin build and ok in the looks department. Luckily I have a big.. never mind. When she met me I was ill and broke! I told her I could be a hell of a friend. On our first date I cooked her dinner. On our second date she called an ambulance for me. On our third date she told me she wanted me to be more than her friend.

 

Next Thursday we are getting married. September 14, we are expecting a baby. September 14 the day I was diagnosed.

 

Meka there is someone out there, just be careful and don't chase them away.