selanny Posted May 8, 2007 Share Posted May 8, 2007 This is my first post, so I would like to first thank you all for listening and sorry if this is long but I just need to get a few things off my chest... I'm turning 30 this November and have been dating my bf for almost 3 1/2 years - it will be 4 years in November and he is turning 32 in December. I just don't know what to do anymore...we have an awesome relationship and don't really have any problems except one - I'm ready to settle down and get married but he isn't. I keep lying to people saying that I'm not ready when in fact I am but am waiting for him. I'm so happy when I'm with him but then unhappy when the thought of future comes up. We had a break last year because of this but I realized that this is the one I want to be with. However, as time passes we really haven't gotten very far in terms of the future. Whenever I bring it up he gets uncomfortable and thinks I'm nagging him. He is fully aware that I want to settle down within the next couple years. We finally had an open conversation about this last week, he admitted that he is in no rush to get married and is not ready. He has goals that he wants to accomplish first - buying his own place and living on his own being independent (we don't live together). He sees himself settling down with someone like me in the future but can't give me a timeline...maybe 2, 3 years or more. It's seems like it's all contingent on him buying a place which he has been talking about since we started going out. I don't want him to give up his goals but I just don't know if I can wait 3 more years. Sometimes I think I should walk away and find someone else but then I think it's a silly reason to leave behind someone really great because he can't commit right now. There are just too many "what ifs" that is making me panic. If I do wait 3 years and he's still not ready then I'm be 33 and single vs. 30 and single. I just don't know what to do. I've been going in circles about this for the past year and still don't know. Any advice or experinces are greatly appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted May 8, 2007 Share Posted May 8, 2007 I'm turning 30 this November and have been dating my bf for almost 3 1/2 years - it will be 4 years in November and he is turning 32 in December. We finally had an open conversation about this last week, he admitted that he is in no rush to get married and is not ready. He has goals that he wants to accomplish first - buying his own place and living on his own being independent (we don't live together). He sees himself settling down with someone like me in the future but can't give me a timeline...maybe 2, 3 years or more. Someone like you??? What about settling down with you?? That's one HUGE red flag that he's not considering marrying you, but someone like you. Another huge red flag is you've been together for 3.5 years. At his age, he ought to know by now if he's going to want to commit to you. I'm sorry - this may be hard to hear - but I think he doesn't want to commit to you. Maybe not to anyone, but definitely not to you. Another red flag is this whole thing about living independently. Doesn't he do that now? What possible difference would it make if he rents or owns if he is living on his own? If you aren't living together, then I'd say he is as independent as he's ever going to be, without or without a place of his own. A man who wants to marry you will be excited about making plans to buy a place together. It may be time to say goodbye. I don't think waiting around for an indefinite commitment that may never come is in your best interests no matter how you feel about him. Link to post Share on other sites
Tangerina Posted May 8, 2007 Share Posted May 8, 2007 I could write a really lengthy explanation, but it is really obvious this guy will never marry you if you stay with him. I think you need to walk away and mean it and it is possible he will see that he was wrong and try to get you back but if he doesn't then he definitely wasn't the one for you. As it is, he has made it really clear that he does not want to marry you, all the ambiguity and maybes is just because he cares about you and wants to not hurt your feelings. You're showing that you will stay either way but you aren't getting what you want and he has no incentive to give it to you. Walk away and move on and who knows, he'll either chase you or he won't but don't become too attached to one outcome, work on making your life the way you want it and if he decided he wants you back you'll be in a position to realize if that is really what YOU want. PS Read the book "Why Men Marry Bitches," it will change your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Bobster999 Posted May 8, 2007 Share Posted May 8, 2007 Consider yourself lucky----the best advice I can give people is-----don't get married and if you do get married, don't have children. Marriage and children cause more misery than anything else in the world. I wish someone had told me before I made the mistakes I did. Link to post Share on other sites
4whatItsWorth Posted May 9, 2007 Share Posted May 9, 2007 Someone like you??? What about settling down with you?? That's one HUGE red flag that he's not considering marrying you, but someone like you. I agree with NJ, that was the thing that I noticed among everything else. Sweetie, he's telling you the truth in his own stupid way. Remember, a guy would rather be trampled by elephants on fire than tell you that they are just not that into you - not enough to marry you. The guy is stringing you along - find someone who wants to marry YOU and not just waiting around for someone "like you". Link to post Share on other sites
Remy Posted May 9, 2007 Share Posted May 9, 2007 I agree with most of the other replies. I have seen a number of similar scenarios happen with my friends over the years. One in particular was a woman (late twenties) lived with a man for 3 years - kept asking about marriage. He said the same as yours - not ready, waiting for ??? (whatever), maybe in a few years. She finally had enough and left him. He met and married someone else within the year. My friend was very upset at the time but came to realize that she was just a comfortable substitute or stopgap until his "perfect" woman came along. He was never going to marry her - he was always looking for someone "better". Sorry that you are in that situation. Harsh as it seems it would be best for you to stop seeing him now than wait indefinitely for a proposal that is unlikely to be forthcoming. Link to post Share on other sites
Author selanny Posted May 9, 2007 Author Share Posted May 9, 2007 Thx for all your replies. I know you are all right and I think I know it inside but am too scared to really admit it. I guess the problem I'm having is the courage to walk away. It's hard not knowing what's out there! I just think it's hard to meet someone you know? But I guess I'll never know unless I try. But it scares me when I think maybe I won't find someone else. I guess this isn't exactly what I envisioned my life would be at 30. Link to post Share on other sites
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted May 9, 2007 Share Posted May 9, 2007 I was in the exact same situation with my ex...honestly in the 5 years we were together he didnt even introduce me to his family. I never nagged about it, I was too scared of pushing him away or making him feel forced into commitment. But during the final year, I closed myself off. I felt like every day was ticking away and my future was just a big black hole where I didn't know who I would be with or when or where I would live. It's so unsettling. I finally ended our relationship. He thought I was joking at first, then after about three months he realised I was serious. He asked me to marry him. But after realising he didn't know what he wanted for so long, I realised that it was just the fact that I wasn't available that made him panic into a proposal. I went on to meet a man who declares his love, plans for the future and can't wait to move in together. That's what I want - not someone who was so wishy-washy about whether I should be in their life in the future. I deserved better, and so do you. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted May 9, 2007 Share Posted May 9, 2007 This is a tough situation that I have been in TWICE ! First time, I waited 6 yrs, from 34-40 to somone who would marry me when he was " ready". Well, we finally did, and bought a house together and he flipped out and left a MONTH later ! Not only did he run out my bio clock, more importantly I had a 7 yr old with a deceased father who could have benefited from a caring step father. If I could do it again, I would have left a yr, yr and half into it. SO, next guy, talked about marriage TOO soon for me, but we joked we would do it in 2007 ( a yr and a half after we met) he continues to back track on everything, down to living together or even TALKING about the future ( sure I can swallow your semen for gods sake, but we can't talk about our LIVES vis a vis the future !) I finally cut it off and am dating around, knowing I am looking for somone who wants what I want : committment and building a futre together !! Good luck ! Link to post Share on other sites
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