Recently broken up (epic message)

[stenweb]

Sorry - bit of an epic here, but I'm trying to get all my feelings and thoughts down, although I'm sure I've missed some out! hope people aren't put off by the amount of text here!

 

I'm 28 and have been going out with my girlfriend (27) since April 2006. The relationship had been going very well and things were moving quite fast, although it never seemed uncomfortable for either of us. We went on holiday to Greece at the end of July and were spending a lot of time with each other. Around September time, we had decided that because I was pretty much sleeping every night at hers, that I'd move in, which we did in October. Things went very well for us over the next few months, with Xmas being an amazing time for me as I spent it with her family and it felt great - the first Xmas in years that actually felt Christmassy. At the end of January, our landlady said she was selling the flat we were renting, so we decided to look for somewhere. We found a great house and were all set to move in, mid-February. At this stage, I started getting doubts.

 

To side-track for a bit, I've been infatuated with a long-term female friend for about 18 years. We have a very close friendship and get on very well, yet I've always fancied her in some way (probably sexually more than anything). We started hanging out again, which was great fun, but these buried feelings for her came back. I did tell her and honestly she told me that she'd never looked at me in that way, and that nothing would happen between us. This happened around the start of February, hence the side-track. At this point, I should have told my girlfriend, but I didn't... now I've never had an affair and have always prided myself that I wouldn't want to (my father had a couple when I was growing up)... BUT I guess if the chance had come up with my friend, then I would have taken it. Which I know is wrong, but this worried me a lot about my commitments with my girlfriend.

 

So, Mid-February, with all my doubts and unsure feelings towards my girlfriend, we signed the contract and moved into the house (renting, once again). Over the next couple of months, the doubts increased and I found myself wanting to spend more and more time on the computer (something which I already spend far too much time on, and wasn’t really a problem until we moved in as the computer was always at my other home), or not doing all the stuff we'd used to do.

 

At the end of March 2007, my girlfriend asked me if I still loved her. I answered honestly and said I wasn’t sure. The relationship at this point became strained, but I agreed to make a go of it and see what happens. She went away on holiday for a week to the US with her family, and I didn’t really miss her that much (although I did a couple of times when I got a bit drunk!). When she got back, I guess I was still icy towards her.

 

Two weeks ago, we returned from a trip to London, for her birthday weekend (with the family) and I ended the relationship. I’d been worried that I kept on making a go at things, getting her hopes up, only to dash them by being icy and negative towards the relationship again. I knew this was hurting her and I didn’t want to put her through continued pain again. To me the weekend away was going to be the “make or break”, but I guess I had made up my mind on the Friday before we went and even though I actually had a good time, I still ended it.

 

Last weekend, I moved out of the house, and have found myself missing her. I used to like coming back from work and having someone to chat to, having someone to cuddle up to in bed, the closeness. Looking back to the previous 5 weeks, I can’t recall really making much of an effort to repair things – I would still spend hours on the computer, etc. There would be times where I thought I’d having feelings for her, and everything was great for a few days, then the doubts would come back and I’d put up a barrier between us. Throughout this period, I can’t tell whether I was trying to talk myself out of the relationship, or my feelings for her – i.e. like I’d already made up my mind to split and every time we’d get closer, I’d push her away.

 

I’m just going to type some random thoughts about the negative feelings I’d have for her and the relationship:

• She is very family orientated, and they like to do things “as a big group”. I quite often find this overwhelming, having so many (sometimes as much as 15 people around)!
  
• I found myself missing the “single life” – being able to see my friends regularly (mainly because I moved 10 miles away from then, when we moved in together), being able to play on my computer without being “nagged at”, etc.
  
• Since we started going out, I started piling on the pounds! She loves takeaways and going out, and I would feel guilty if I said “lets not!”. I don’t mind them as a treat, but not as a regular thing! I don’t mind a few extra pounds, but every now and then when we’d be having sex, I would get slightly turned off by cellulite, etc…. yes, this sounds vain / stupid while I’m typing it, as it is about the person, etc… but I’m just putting down my feelings.
  
• She would have a go at me for random things – I’m generally quite a chilled person, so find it frustrating when I’m getting nagged / told off at for little things.
  
• Around February time the “warm-fuzzy feeling” went.

After typing this list, I’ve been finding it very hard actually finding what I was on about. I’ll attempt to do the same for positive things:

• We get on so well – have a laugh and a joke (although she doesn’t find my jokes that funny, which can annoy me a little!).
  
• We were very close at one point, even to the extent of talking about marriage and children!
  
• Looking back at the relationship, I can only think of the fun times we’ve had together – the holiday, Xmas, various trips away, etc. Sat here with a smile on my face thinking about them.
  
• I enjoy chatting to her about anything and really missed this over the last weekend, while I moved out.
  
• One of the best holidays I’ve had, was with her. Same with Xmas.
  
• She is kind and caring.
  
• She is very pretty with a fantastic smile.
  
• I've already been married once before and went through something similiar - however with my ex-wife I didn't make any attempt at all to repair things, whereas this time, I found myself just not wanting to run.

So what do I do? Do I still have feelings for her? Am I actually longing for the “perfect ‘Hollywood’” relationship? This weekend (during and after the move), am I missing her, or just the things that the relationship offers? Have I been a victim of "the grass is always greener"?

 

I've found myself very emotional over the last couple of weeks - apparently boys don't cry, but I have evidence to prove otherwise!

 

I guess I'm hoping for input from people that aren't close to me, connected in some way.

[daphne]

Even though you didn't run, you didn't really do anything at all to repair the relationship. You don't seem interested in making things work. I think you believe relationships just run on their own. This is a common mistake.

 

I get the impression you may be introverted whereas your ex is extroverted. This is causing problems until you learn to appreciate the other person for who they really are.

 

Ultimately, I don't think you're going to make a relationship work until you learn to be less selfish. The computer "play" is usually a huge sign of someone who hasn't grown up and is into their own thing. You are not ready for a relationship. You can change the woman, but until you stop escaping, you won't change the results.

[Guest]

u gotta make it work man. talk to her about what bothers you, and in the meantime, appreciate what you have. the grass isnt always greener.