How can I look past this?

[Super89Rex]

Hello all, I have a problem. Me and my fiance have been engaged for 3 months now. I love her with all of my heart, she has made me feel a way in which no one has ever been able to make me feel. When I asked her 3 months ago to marry me, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her; she was perfect to me.

 

Problem is that recently I have found out something really disturbing about her and it has bothered me ever since. Saturday night we were watching a movie, there was a scene with two gay men in it. I made a remark, I basically said that I don;t understand how someone can be attracted to someone of the same sex; where she responded; I do. So as you can see, I was curious and proceeded to ask her some questions. I found out that she has had a handful of "homosexual" experiences with other women. And she told me that she was bi-sexual! Now, you would think that this is something she should have told me A LONG time ago; perhaps maybe the first week of knowing each other. Anyways, I am having a lot of difficulty coping with this; I cannot understand why she would want to do this, it has made me question how faithful will she be to me (a man) and whether or not I consider her normal or someone I want to marry. Now, she told me her experiences were purely sexual and would never have a relationship with a woman; of which I don't understand - does this mean shes really homosexual but is with me because of societal expectations?

 

I need some guidance, some assurance of how to look past this. I have always been a traditional type of person and it deeply disturbs me knowing this from the women I have chosen to spend my life with.

 

Please help.

[Lizzie60]

this does NOT mean she is a lesbian, it only means that she experienced sex with other women. No big deal. She's still the same person.

[a4a]

What are you worried she will go have sex with other women once you are married?

 

Or marrying you because society says she has to?

[Super89Rex]

I guess it's a combination of both? I don't know what it is and that's why I'm here trying to figure out why I'm so uneasy about this. I find it really wierd and hard to deal with knowing that. I have major trust issues already because I have had rocky past relationships, and now for some reason this has added to my mistrust. I am afraid of the unknown, the fact knowing that she is capable of this and has acted on it makes me feel deeply bothered. She has told me she would never cheat on me or leave my with a woman, I even asked her if she has had any "homosexual" thoughts or desires since she has been with me and she says she hasnt. It's really specific her attraction from what I can see because I asked her if she checks women out, or likes women per say and she says she doesnt. She told me it's not like that and to her, her experiences to her she considers a form of "masturbation". I am pretty much trying to figure out why she has done these things so I can re-assure myself that it won't happen again in the future... I don't know, my mind is all over the place and I need some peoples help in trying to sort this all out.

[a4a]

Got news she is just as likely to cheat on you with a man...... probably more so because men will hit on her and there are plenty more horny straight men running about than bi sexual and lesbians wanting to screw your gf. :rolleyes:

 

It would seem you picked this issue as one that you can validate your insecurities with.

 

Don't marry her. Nobody wants a husband that thinks that poorly of them - to think because they had sex with another person (gay or straight) that they are more apt to cheat on them.......sexuality it has nothing to do with being a cheater.

 

NOTHING!

 

You need to seek some help with your insecurities..... until then, postpone the wedding for her sake.

 

BTW I am just like your gf, but did have LTR's with women. I have zero desire to cheat on my H with a man or a woman....... even when he is being a complete ass...... just not in my messed up homo/dyke self to even consider acting out on such things. Not even a fantasy.

 

***** side note....... being gay is not just about the sex. You are with the person because of the way they make you feel. Just like you straighties! Wonder how you are making your gf feel, by assuming she is a cheater?

[Super89Rex]

Hi A4a,

 

I appreciate your honesty on this topic and I appreciate your feedback. However, you stated that gay people are with the person because how they make them feel regardless of gender. In my fiances case, she stated it was only on a sexual level? What does this mean ? ? ? Isn't how someone makes someone else feel on not only a sexual but also on an emotional level? Someone who is incapable of an actual legitimate relationship with someone of the same gender but will engage in sexual acts - what does this mean?

 

Thanks for your responses, I very much appreciate your perspective.

[a4a]

Regardless if you are attracted to a person, you are attracted. I doubt she ran around and slept with woman she did not "like" just to get laid.

 

There likely was something that attracted her to that person. Looks, personality, them making her feel good about herself.............

 

Example: I may find a man attractive and just be an FWB...... sex and fun.

 

Do I want to get married or have a LTR with that person..... NO.

 

At the time was I interested in that person?......yes or I would not have bothered. Was it true love..... hell no, but it was a person I found attractive or made me happy in some way.

 

Did she stand on the corner and hold a sign - "chick's wanted for sex?"

 

Doubt it.

[Salicious Crumb]

this does NOT mean she is a lesbian, it only means that she experienced sex with other women. No big deal. She's still the same person.

 

no...he thought she was straight...and now he finds out she is not.

So to him...no, she is not the same person.