Are Divorces Harder on Men and Why

[sumdude]

Just been doing a lot of thinking about this so I thought I'd post my ideas. I'm no expert or anything but here goes.. Maybe the title is a bit off wish I could change it when editing.. Should be more like "Is being left by your spouse harder on men."

 

Obviously divorce is usually much harder on the person left than the leaver. Research seems to show that men are more likely to suffer major long term depression and have higher suicide rates after divorce than woman. I've been searching myself, reading here and elsewhere. Men do seem to suffer a little bit more then women. Of course every situation is different. If anger is an indication of the amount of pain you're in men get hurt pretty bad. Of course you have the cases of men and even women who are just cold fish emotionally.

 

Women are first of all just better at relationships. They've been studying them, talking about them etc. since they were little girls. I see my little nieces into the intrigue a bit even at their young ages. When it comes to sex and relationships let's face it usually woman are the 'supply' and men are the 'demand'. That's just the way it works out. Even in this modern age women are chased by men in most cases and that is expected. Men throw thier pitches and women decide whether or not to swing. Women get hit on constantly and have more instant options. A comedian I heard once said that women have the sixth sense, they know whether or not you're getting laid tonight. Women are better at spreading thier intimacy around with platonic relationships and otherwise. They are more in tune emotionally and can separate emotional and physical intimacy. Hence that phrase "Love you but not in love with you." that guys just don't understand. Plus they tend to have stronger and larger support systems.

 

We guys... early in a relationship we hold back ... a lot usually. It takes a long time before we'll even say "I love you" ... even in an LTR we often hesitate. It's like a bigger investment for us since we don't diversify our emotional portfolios much. At some point though, usually when we buy the diamond or maybe later we put all our emotional eggs into that basket. Throw the hail mary and go for the end zone. However you want to say it. Maybe that's why we may slip into complacency a bit.. We'll think that stuff's in the bank and now it's safe. We're not as in touch with things emotionally and when we're left we never saw the damn train coming. That may be why men take betrayal so damn badly... we had all our stuff in that bank. She burned the bank down and we have no emotional assets left. Takes a while to rebuild those. Plus we want to fix things ... even if we let it go too long we always think we can just fix it.

 

Me... I'm trying to imagine if I will ever be able to put my emotional investment into another relationship again....time will tell.

 

Of course women also lose their emotional assets in a divorce. Seems that they usually have more banks or credit they can draw from other sources.

 

Thoughts ... opinions?

[Trialbyfire]

While I do agree that women have built stronger and larger support networks, I don't think that it's any easier for women to handle divorce. Anger is not gender specific. I know this. All you have to do is look at some of my threads...

 

Also, if you look around, you will find that there are just as many bitter women as men. That LS doesn't appear to have as many, is probably because the ones on LS want to heal and aren't afraid of looking externally for help and guidance from others who've gone through the same process.

[sumdude]

I assumed this would be a bit controversial to say the least. I guess I'm trying to reconcile to statistics of suicide etc. for men vs. women after divorce.

[Lezbean]

Sum,

 

It may seem hard to believe it, but someday you are going to find somebody wonderful and the love and relationship will be better because of all that you have been through. I promise it will happen.

 

My Honeypie went through a horrid, painful divorce 4 years ago. His wife cheated on him and the whole 9 yards. I too went through a terrible divorce where I lost everything I owned just to get out.

 

Anyway, we have been together 2 years now and have never been happier. Our love is amazing. We decided that we can make our relationship ANYTHING we want and we want it to be the best love either of us have ever had. I can't tell you how wonderful it truly is.

 

I think being hurt and going through a divorce makes you grow by leaps and bounds. Sucky way to learn I know. But I promise......someday you will have the love you've always wanted.

[quiet1one1]

Not sure how old you are Sumdude, or how long you were married but our MC told us something I found interesting...as men get older they want to put their feet up and enjoy what they've built and gathered. Conversely, women need to be more social, to reach out and explore. They also likely to look back and question what they missed while men tend not to. Add to this that "today's woman" has the resources to walk away and you end up with more damaged men? I wonder....I'm not sure statistics bear me out but it sure seems that way.

[PWSX3]

Not sure how old you are Sumdude, or how long you were married but our MC told us something I found interesting...as men get older they want to put their feet up and enjoy what they've built and gathered. Conversely, women need to be more social, to reach out and explore. They also likely to look back and question what they missed while men tend not to. Add to this that "today's woman" has the resources to walk away and you end up with more damaged men? I wonder....I'm not sure statistics bear me out but it sure seems that way.

Very interesting, I have thought about this question in the past & then yesterday there was a show on TV that this single mom was out partying, having fun & making her older two kids (one was 14 the other I don't know) raise her 5 year old and the one things she said was; I want to go out & have fun, I wasn't able to do that when I was younger and I had to watch the kids all the time.

 

I also wonder if maybe it is because there is so many other things woman can do? They have there own football teams, they have there soccer teams, I have noticed even in my sport of 4-wheeling there are more woman that want to drive (such as my wife) or are driving.

 

The man has done all these things all his life and like you said he is now ready to settle down & enjoy the quite time & what he has done.

 

I also wonder if part of it is how men grow up? Like me I grew up with my grandpa working & my grandma worked in the house, same with my folks. My dad worked, kept up the yard, etc while my mom did the house chores.

 

Men didn't supposes to show there soft side, they were the "MAN" and king of the house (even though we all know the woman ran the house ) so when a separation or divorce happens they don't know what to do, they don't know how to look at themselves.

 

Just my .02

[LakesideDream]

My guess is that the difficulty of a divorce, rises in purportion to the amount of conflict in the marriage and the timing of the break up.

 

Clearly a betrayed spouse will feel the greatest pain. Victims of infidelity more so. I also believe than length of relationship, and the timing of the breakup make a big difference.

 

When people are in their 20s-30s with young children women are under more pressure. The responsibility of raising young children is huge, sometimes overwhelming. Discovering that their spouse has gone outside the marriage for sex and affection (or even positive reinforcment) is devistating. Men often cheat on their wives with young children because they feel neglected. Leaving at the time they are most needed. Personally I believe that is despicable.

 

Later as the children approach adulthood the dynamic reverses. Men in their middle 40s-50s are no longer in their prime, are "slowing down" looking forward to slowing even more, or even retirement. Reduced physical capacity, along with naturally lowering testosterone levels add to this effect. Women are getting their second wind with lower child rearing responsibilities and greater freedom. A break up at that age can lead to a complete shut down by males. Often men see a lifes work as wasted after a break up, and especially if they are betrayed by their wives.

 

This is a major reason for your suicide stat's. Most suicides after break up come in late middle aged men who believe they have no options.

 

These problems are getting worse not better. Each successive generation puts less value on marriage and a stable relationship/home life. Divorce is without sociatial stigma. Acceptance of, and even encouragement for single motherhood. Shared custody. Blended families, greater physical mobility (geographical) and No Fault divorce are causing the situation to accellerate.

 

Is there hope on the horizon? I don't believe their is. Each successive generation will cascade further and further away from traditional marriage and family until it is no longer the prime rational for community life.

 

The family is dying, and there is no cure.

[quiet1one1]

These problems are getting worse not better. Each successive generation puts less value on marriage and a stable relationship/home life. Divorce is without sociatial stigma. Acceptance of, and even encouragement for single motherhood. Shared custody. Blended families, greater physical mobility (geographical) and No Fault divorce are causing the situation to accellerate.

 

Is there hope on the horizon? I don't believe their is. Each successive generation will cascade further and further away from traditional marriage and family until it is no longer the prime rational for community life.

 

The family is dying, and there is no cure.

 

Wow, there it is folks! I could not agree more.

 

One of the reasons I'm fighting so hard to save my M and family is that I want my young-adult kids to see me fighting. Whether my M is saved or not, I want them to see that vows and commitments do mean something to me and are worth fighting to the end for.

[Trialbyfire]

Keep in mind that in the past, women weren't financially solvent so they sucked it up and rolled over when their men strayed.

 

I suspect that this has much to do with a higher divorce rate. Consider it action/reaction. No more crumbs for us...

[Lizzie60]

Just been doing a lot of thinking about this so I thought I'd post my ideas. I'm no expert or anything but here goes.. Maybe the title is a bit off wish I could change it when editing.. Should be more like "Is being left by your spouse harder on men."

 

Obviously divorce is usually much harder on the person left than the leaver. Research seems to show that men are more likely to suffer major long term depression and have higher suicide rates after divorce than woman. I've been searching myself, reading here and elsewhere. Men do seem to suffer a little bit more then women. Of course every situation is different. If anger is an indication of the amount of pain you're in men get hurt pretty bad. Of course you have the cases of men and even women who are just cold fish emotionally.

 

Women are first of all just better at relationships. They've been studying them, talking about them etc. since they were little girls. I see my little nieces into the intrigue a bit even at their young ages. When it comes to sex and relationships let's face it usually woman are the 'supply' and men are the 'demand'. That's just the way it works out. Even in this modern age women are chased by men in most cases and that is expected. Men throw thier pitches and women decide whether or not to swing. Women get hit on constantly and have more instant options. A comedian I heard once said that women have the sixth sense, they know whether or not you're getting laid tonight. Women are better at spreading thier intimacy around with platonic relationships and otherwise. They are more in tune emotionally and can separate emotional and physical intimacy. Hence that phrase "Love you but not in love with you." that guys just don't understand. Plus they tend to have stronger and larger support systems.

 

We guys... early in a relationship we hold back ... a lot usually. It takes a long time before we'll even say "I love you" ... even in an LTR we often hesitate. It's like a bigger investment for us since we don't diversify our emotional portfolios much. At some point though, usually when we buy the diamond or maybe later we put all our emotional eggs into that basket. Throw the hail mary and go for the end zone. However you want to say it. Maybe that's why we may slip into complacency a bit.. We'll think that stuff's in the bank and now it's safe. We're not as in touch with things emotionally and when we're left we never saw the damn train coming. That may be why men take betrayal so damn badly... we had all our stuff in that bank. She burned the bank down and we have no emotional assets left. Takes a while to rebuild those. Plus we want to fix things ... even if we let it go too long we always think we can just fix it.

 

Me... I'm trying to imagine if I will ever be able to put my emotional investment into another relationship again....time will tell.

 

Of course women also lose their emotional assets in a divorce. Seems that they usually have more banks or credit they can draw from other sources.

 

Thoughts ... opinions?

 

I don't think it's a question of gender... I think the spouse who is left suffers more, if she\he still wanted to be in the marriage/relationship. I would think it is easier for women though.. apparently men do not stay single very long... they are looking for a partner almost right away, not women, because, most of the time, the women have custody of the children, so she doesn't have too much time to 'look' for another partner.

 

I agree though that it is much easier for a woman to find a man when she wants. It is almost too easy... LOL

 

She also, in most cases, have friends for support...women talk more easily about their emotions, their pain than men.

 

But:

 

Me... I'm trying to imagine if I will ever be able to put my emotional investment into another relationship again....time will tell.

 

Then, don't, take your time... who said that no one can be happy unless they are in a relationship???

[Salicious Crumb]

Not sure how old you are Sumdude, or how long you were married but our MC told us something I found interesting...as men get older they want to put their feet up and enjoy what they've built and gathered. Conversely, women need to be more social, to reach out and explore. They also likely to look back and question what they missed while men tend not to. Add to this that "today's woman" has the resources to walk away and you end up with more damaged men? I wonder....I'm not sure statistics bear me out but it sure seems that way.

 

Actually, in my opinion, I think you hit the nail directly on the head.

 

Having said that....men.....don't get married. I believe most women do wonder what they have missed and cannot handle a relationship for the long haul. I understand this isn't all women, but I think it applies to most just as in quiet1's comments about "today's woman".

 

So since "today's woman" is all that is pretty much left....stay away...stay far away from marriage.

[azianpride143]

I think it depends on who is still emotionally in the relationship when it happens. Most leavers have moved on before this process even gets started so. In this case which is also my case it's a lot harder for the person left behind. I don't think gender makes any difference.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

Well for me I was the one becoming emotionally distant in the relationship. I didn't know whether it was worth it to work on my marriage or not. She starts being loving again and saying how we should go to MC, think about having kids, that she loves me, that she would die for me, and I fell for it and became involved again.

 

A few days later she says oh just kidding about all that (in not so many words) I like someone else, took her rings off, and started seeing him. It was as if she lured me back in just to rip my heart out. I got over it sooner than I expected, but what the hell it still hurt then.

[sumdude]

Keep in mind that in the past, women weren't financially solvent so they sucked it up and rolled over when their men strayed.

 

I suspect that this has much to do with a higher divorce rate. Consider it action/reaction. No more crumbs for us...

 

From what I'm seeing and reading 'today's women' are just as likely to stray, if not more so... Besides I think unless someone is a habitual philanderer most affairs happen becasue someone is unhappy or bored in a relationship long before the affair happens. Or at least they think they are. Not to say that it's EVER an excuse but it happens.

[Woggle]

Men need to start developing an attitude similiar to these super independent women. If you have a good woman in your life then great but if you don't that is still great. Women are not the end all and be all of a man's life and men need to get that independent streak we always used to have until recently back. I think that some guys take it so bad because they have spent years being a good husband and doing everything right and that still isn't good enough. When their wife leaves to go find herself or runs off with some loser it crushes their self esteem.

[Pyro]

Men need to start developing an attitude similiar to these super independent women. If you have a good woman in your life then great but if you don't that is still great. Women are not the end all and be all of a man's life and men need to get that independent streak we always used to have until recently back. I think that some guys take it so bad because they have spent years being a good husband and doing everything right and that still isn't good enough. When their wife leaves to go find herself or runs off with some loser it crushes their self esteem.

 

Its not because they didn't do a good enough job but because the cheater is just plain selfish and inconsiderate of the feelings of others. If someone is going to cheat, they will do it, regardless of how good or bad of a job that the spouse did in the relationship.

[Trialbyfire]

From what I'm seeing and reading 'today's women' are just as likely to stray, if not more so... Besides I think unless someone is a habitual philanderer most affairs happen becasue someone is unhappy or bored in a relationship long before the affair happens. Or at least they think they are. Not to say that it's EVER an excuse but it happens.

No doubt there are women who feel it's liberating to cheat in a relationship and as usual, men aren't willing to live with the crumbs.

 

To me, better to dissolve the marriage than put up with infidelity, regardless of which gender it is.

 

As for debating who was responsible for the erosion of the original relationship, that's a whole 'nother issue beyond the cheating. If you can't control your baser instincts to cheat, you should never have gotten married or even considered entering in a relationship. If your needs aren't being met, you set your boundaries as non-negotiable. If the other party is unwilling or incapable of meeting your requirements, then you break your agreement, hence divorce. It's that simple unless you consider your financial security more important than your integrity. Yeah, yeah, for the kids. If a cheater really considered the kids, they wouldn't cheat in the first place.

[Salicious Crumb]

Its not because they didn't do a good enough job but because the cheater is just plain selfish and inconsiderate of the feelings of others. If someone is going to cheat, they will do it, regardless of how good or bad of a job that the spouse did in the relationship.

 

Exactly Riddler...however there are too many cheaters and OM/OW who beg to differ in this forum.

 

Too many of them insist that the spouse was lacking at something or neglecting them....

 

Too many times it is just a fact that cheating wasn't spawned because of something wrong with the relationship, but that some people just can't say no to another pretty face or advances from someone. Most of the time it is the thrill of something new...plain and simple.

[Salicious Crumb]

If a cheater really considered the kids, they wouldn't cheat in the first place.

 

exactly..very well said.

[Trialbyfire]

exactly..very well said.

Thanks SC. Neither one of us has any tolerance for a lying cheater.

[burning 4 revenge]

Exactly Riddler...however there are too many cheaters and OM/OW who beg to differ in this forum.

 

Too many of them insist that the spouse was lacking at something or neglecting them....

 

Too many times it is just a fact that cheating wasn't spawned because of something wrong with the relationship, but that some people just can't say no to another pretty face or advances from someone. Most of the time it is the thrill of something new...plain and simple.

That accounts for a lot cheating, but every affair is a different situation. If they are cheating for sex then it is immoral and they need to either work on the sex life or leave the relationship. Sometimes, though, people actually fall in love with someone else, but are reluctant to leave thier relationship and it gets tricky and not so straight forward.

[Woggle]

Its not because they didn't do a good enough job but because the cheater is just plain selfish and inconsiderate of the feelings of others. If someone is going to cheat, they will do it, regardless of how good or bad of a job that the spouse did in the relationship.

 

I agree but women who act this way are considered liberated feminists while if a man even notices that another woman is attractive he can be in the doghouse for weeks. I think that most women aren't even capable of loving a man. They just want the ego boost and that is why they cheat and that is why they sleep with married men. Most women don't actually love their men.

[burning 4 revenge]

Most women don't actually love their men.

Do you think most men love their women, but the reverse isn't true? I'm just curious

 

I'd agree that these days there are a lot more women cheating than men, but I think it's because men pursue women more agressively than the reverse and it's just plain easier for women to hook up if they look half way decent.

[Woggle]

Yes I do. I wish men knew how much women hated them.

[burning 4 revenge]

Yes I do. I wish men knew how much women hated them.

Well that gets complex. I think some women (many really) begin to hate their men when they lose attraction, but feel obligated to continue having sex with them. Because they are the passive reciever it begins to feel like rape IMO

 

I think you did a smart thing marrying older BTW. Women tend to hate men their own age and older much more than younger men, especially if the guy is attractive.