longlaffer Posted May 8, 2007 Share Posted May 8, 2007 Is it really possible? I am not so sure. We were madly in love until the infatuation stage wore off. Though he thought things were "different" with me, as it turns out, he STILL isn't marriage/commitment material, and he KNOWS it! When I date a guy over 40, never married, I always ask him and myself, "What is UP with a guy over 40 and never married"? There is usually something "UP". My guy loves me madly, by his terms. He is solitary by choice, likes his freedom to come and go with no accountability and prefers to just do "his thing" alone. ...most of the time, except when he wants to see me. AND it isn't sex he wants to see me for, though that was fine as well. So, now we revert back to being best friends? He seems pretty happy with the situation as he gets what HE wants. I on the other hand am trying to adjust to the "just friends" part. No passionate kisses. No hand holding. No lying in each other's arms. I am sure he would like these things but not if it means every day. He knows what once in a while would do to me. I have immersed myself in activities that keep me busy almost every evening so I am not sitting home longing for him. He still wants to see me a couple of times a week, but I am painfully aware that I feel like his sister. He greets me with a hug, a quick kiss and dinner on the table. I know this must be unusual. Here is where the problem will arise. I am positive that he will never date another woman... I am as good as they come... ha ha. But me? I am a very affectionate person with a lot of love to give and I will find it some time... I assume that I will just not tell him. We will continue with going to an occaisional movie, out to eat, whatever and he just won't have to know, right? I know it would cause him pain. Well, there are many more details but what do you think? Can we pull this off? I don't want him out of my life, that's for sure... longlaffer Link to post Share on other sites
mjayc Posted May 8, 2007 Share Posted May 8, 2007 So, now we revert back to being best friends? He seems pretty happy with the situation as he gets what HE wants. I on the other hand am trying to adjust to the "just friends" part. No passionate kisses. No hand holding. No lying in each other's arms. I am sure he would like these things but not if it means every day. He knows what once in a while would do to me. I have immersed myself in activities that keep me busy almost every evening so I am not sitting home longing for him. He still wants to see me a couple of times a week, but I am painfully aware that I feel like his sister. He greets me with a hug, a quick kiss and dinner on the table. I know this must be unusual. Here is where the problem will arise. I am positive that he will never date another woman... I am as good as they come... ha ha. Sounds like a marriage without the paperwork to me.... Link to post Share on other sites
Not_That_Innocent Posted May 9, 2007 Share Posted May 9, 2007 Well, since this is the Friends with Benefits board ... do you think he would go for that? That way, you still get the passionate kisses and hand holding, w/o an actual relationship. Sounds like the perfect arrangement, but you're probably way too involved for that. In all seriousness, it sounds to me like it's going to be very difficult for you to just be friends with this guy. I think it should be all or nothing - would save you some heartache. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted May 9, 2007 Share Posted May 9, 2007 Well, here is your red flag...choose to look or ignore. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted May 9, 2007 Share Posted May 9, 2007 Well it sounds as though affection "every once in a while" could be just as hard for you as "being friends" has been, if not harder. And what about when one or both of you date someone else. That could get complicated. This is assuming one of you isn't dating already, which very well could be the case. A guy saying he's not ready could be the same thing as saying I've found someone else but it isn't serious, so I want to keep you as a "friend" and maybe get back with you anytime I want. It's happened to me! I don't see many broken up couples really stay friends for too long, they either wind up together again, or keep in touch every few years at most. Both parties must without a doubt only want to be friends or even FWB in order for it to work. It is all too common for at least 1 person to want more again. And you sound willing to move on and date others, but want to remain friends with him too. Thats totally cool, except "friends" discuss each other's dating lives. Can you see you two doing that? If not, "friends" is probably not the best idea. Breaking up is hard because we never want to lose someone. But it should be treated the way its meant to be treated, and you should go your seperate ways before you find yourself waiting around for him and end up disappointed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author longlaffer Posted May 9, 2007 Author Share Posted May 9, 2007 Oh Lovelace, you are sooooo right! Since neither of us is seeing anyone else and he likely NEVER will, I guess I will just wait it out and try to be friends. He is just a confused soul, but a wonderful person. It can't hurt either of us to stick around for the time being...once I am able to get over wishing for more! I imagine the time we spend together will taper off and, should I find someone who really wants a relationship, I will be available. What a weird situation though. He was wanting to get married within a month of our first date. Then he realized that he isn't marriage material for ANYONE... and he isn't! As for FWB...I don't think so. I get waaaaaay to emotionally involved AND I probably would be looking for commitment. Funny thing is, he is completely committed to me now, just as it is. I am committed to the friendship for now but cannot be committed to a man, romantically or indefinitely, who who doesn't want more than a companion. So, for the time being, a few movies and dinners and working on his house together... that's what best friends do, I guess. All on his terms, when HE wants company... He will probably freak out when I become too busy to see him whenever he wants... but so be it. Well, I ramble on. It is a long story. Thanks for your input. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted May 9, 2007 Share Posted May 9, 2007 I have immersed myself in activities that keep me busy almost every evening so I am not sitting home longing for him. He still wants to see me a couple of times a week, but I am painfully aware that I feel like his sister. He greets me with a hug, a quick kiss and dinner on the table. I know this must be unusual. Here is where the problem will arise. I am positive that he will never date another woman... I am as good as they come... ha ha. But me? I am a very affectionate person with a lot of love to give and I will find it some time... I assume that I will just not tell him. We will continue with going to an occaisional movie, out to eat, whatever and he just won't have to know, right? I know it would cause him pain. Well, there are many more details but what do you think? Can we pull this off? I don't want him out of my life, that's for sure... Sorry but you sound very desperate to me. You are prepared to forget about your own needs to satisfy what Mister wants. How can you be so sure he will never date another woman...come on... talking about being naive... No don't tell him anything about how you feel, what you need, etc... you might upset Him. Geeezzz... I have been friend after being a lover with many guys... but no one was longing for the other's phone call or visit... it was friend only, no more love or sex involved. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted May 9, 2007 Share Posted May 9, 2007 I wouldn't be so sure about him not dating other women either...he may not feel that he should ever get married, but he's human so he'll still have needs to be met, physically, emotionally. He may never settle with one woman, but to never date anyone again is plain unrealistic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author longlaffer Posted May 14, 2007 Author Share Posted May 14, 2007 I am not totally naive... He didn't date ANYONE for 6 years before me... He was settled on being single all of his life. He is solitary and boasts that he doesn't need anyone for anything... even sex. His hand and porn work just fine. He doesn't want to hurt anyone again... and I am positive that he won't. ... But...I have walked away from him for the time being and yes we will be friends...probably until I start seeing someone else. Such a shame... he is in therapy... Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted May 14, 2007 Share Posted May 14, 2007 Don't you feel rejected that he went from passionate to take-you-or-leave-you in such a short time? Doesn't your heart have whiplash since he wanted to marry you, and now he can't take your company except in small doses? I'm not at all trying to be mean. I think I understand what you're going through. It just seems to me that there is a fine line between you being there for him and you being a masochist. Link to post Share on other sites
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