should i ask him if hes cheated?

[alexa137]

ok i will try to make this as short as possible and to the point and it may sound appalling to some but my boyfriend of a year which we live together for 9-10 months have been fighting for the past week and he has been coming home later than usual since then but i almost know where he is 99% of the time bcause his family lives 1 block away from me and thats where he spends most of his time--his way of dealign with us arguing is to ignore me--oh a big fact--we have had sex everyday sometimes 3-4 times a day since we since april of last year-i could say maybe only 4-5 days we didnt if that and one of them was last night bcause i made him really mad but thats another story--i dont think he has cheated on me and i know he loves me alot--but ok here goes---i was looking through his dirty laundry and checked his boxers and noticed a little stain not really white(shorts were black) but maybe like clear--so i sniffed--didnt really smell like urine and definetely not me! i know whay my juices smell like! they are on his washcloth everday! so now i am really more upset bcause i always think the worst of every situation--so do i ask him if he was with anyone last night etc...??? or hint or what> how do i ask? do i wait to do it face to face or call him or what? ive never had to deal with this--and he is my heart and it would devastate me!

HELP!!!!!!!! ASAP!!111111

[Walk]

we have had sex everyday sometimes 3-4 times a day since we since april of last year-

 

Where would he get the energy to cheat? My God woman! You've gone and broke him. Now he's perpetually leaking. (just kidding)

 

I seriously doubt he's cheating. Are there any other reasons you might think this, other than the white spots in his underwear?

[littlepiggy1]

I really don't think you have enough to go on to accuse him of cheating. A small stain on his underwear? Give me a break.

 

Besides, it would be pointless to confront him anyway. If he is cheating, chances are he'd just lie about it. And if he isn't cheating, he's probably be really pissed that you are suspicious of him. Either way, you can't win.

[alexa137]

well thats what i would think! and i really dont think so but theres always an inkling of doubt! the stain was not white though if it was i would think then bcause all his others always have white stains from me and him! i am more worried about the smell! it doesnt smell like sweat(he works digging holes all day in the heat in an uniform) and kinda like urine but different i know how his balls etc smell! i dont know even if i do say something what man does admit they cheated anyways!

[littlepiggy1]

You are making way too much of a deal about this. Maybe it was a bit of "leakage". Yes, it does happen to guys.

 

Jeez, now I have this image of you sniffing dirty underwear. You kinky, kinky girl, you.

[alexa137]

ok yeah but now i am thinking he hasnt been affectionate with me in almost a week yeah we have sex but thats it and then hop off each other! ive asked him many times for a hug or kiss and nothing and ive told him how much it hurts me and im devastated--but if you want to read to whole story--ive posted many times and this is the only subject on this forum i got a reply lately! hmmmm!

i posted yesterday on the coping forum and previously on the breaking up forum if you get bored and like reading! about peoples problems

i think i will sniff one more time!

LOL

[Zona76]

You are far too suspicious!

May as well.... sounds like you're looking for a fight.

What a pain it would be to be in HIS shoes!

[megnog]

i agree with i think it was the second poster...

 

i have always thought about asking my boyfriend why he didn't pick up the phone, where he was, is he cheating, blah blah blah...

but when it comes down to it, he isn't just going to say I WAS HERE F#CKING SOME GIRL AND IM CHEATING ON YOU

 

he is going to be defensive either way and its just going to cause problems.

 

this really SUCKS because then you don't know what to believe!! you can't ask him because he will lie if he has and it will create problems. i would just go back to normal, stop wondering, and just think if he cheats i will find out someway and then i will leave him. theres really nothing you can do at this point. i'm sorry

[alexa137]

yeah i think i might be overreacting--bcause we had sex that night--but not last night--its just strange when you go from every night and then not as often--you gotta wonder!!!

[goxcrazy19]

you know i think you should just wait a little more. You cant say oh he loves me a lot so he would not cheat on me. Always expect unexpected huni!i have been in your situation so many times. my boyfriends goes away for school for the whole week..EVERY WEEK.he comes back every weekend to see me. but couple times i had very bad feeling about it. you know. he lied to me twice in past, and it was bad. so i dont fully trust him.once i came to visit him at school, and i noticed he had a bottle of lube open and stuff all over it. so i was worried, but his excuse was that he was .......ya know..blah! so thats my story! but what i think you should do, is wait...pay close attention. keep your eyes open.cuz you know guys are not stupid..if you mention to him something now, obviously he will start telling you that he doesnt do anything.and if he does he will have it and he will be extra carefull, so you should really not say anything and keep your eyes wide open! if you notice something else that will worry you, that start **** WITH HIM! =) good luck to you sweetie.

[alexa137]

oh i havent said anything! mostly bcause hes never here-but always at his dads or brothers or grandparents house which are all very close and when i happend to be in area i do look for our jeep--and he always comes home--i check his clothes, drawers--wish i could get into that safe or his phone bill(thats what i want to do which will give me answers) but thats what made us split up the first time) not trusting him and i was checking his phone and bill--hey i paid it and it was my phone in my name!!!

i need good spying tips!

[ash519]

I took a quick peak at your old threads, and believe me if you looked at mine they would be similar. But I am starting to really realize the error of my ways and working BIG TIME on fixing it because I am pushing the man i love right out the door, all because I am insecure.

 

STOP SNIFFING YOUR MANS UNDERPANTS! GROSS!!!! Stop checking his cell bill and phone...my bf's phone is under my name as well and I quit cold turkey checking phones, email, whatever. Only thing I check now is his pant pockets and that is because I do the laundry.

 

Whenever you check on him...it leaves you wanting to find something, you want more. You need to stop this.

 

And the clear stuff...maybe he masturbated...sometimes it can come out clear...maybe he got aroused that morning (morning wood) and a little something came out. It's not always white, and that is a fact. But keep your nose out of his laundry.

 

If he is cheating you will find out. We woman tend to do that, but not by snooping...either the guys caves and comes clean, there is lipstick on his shirt (dont search for it), a friend catches him etc etc etc... Stop being crazy because you will push him away, you even said you already have.

 

Just because the sex changed a bit means nothing, things change as months go by...

 

I wish you luck! But stop torturing yourself!

[alexa137]

its not just that(sex) he hasnt hugged me, kissed me or said i love you in almost 2 weeks--and we are intimate everynight til then

 

now these are the texts i sent him today:

 

well since u didnt respond when i asked u last week about making choice obviously u did since u dont talk or do anything with me still-i'm mover it & moving on-so u cant stay here anymore its not or fair

i dont know what u are out there doing everynight the past 2 weeks since u are not with me

i got the feeling u were moving on since u werent speinding time with me and you never tell me anything or express your feelings etc - im not into games

if u cared or loved me u would b trying 2 do something 2 make it up 2 me but it seems like u just say f--- it and whatever and go on ur way

and u still dont say anything what sould i think u havent shown any affection towards me in weeks!

i think ive told you enough with the 3 letters ive wrote you

 

and all he had to say in between those were:

 

u didnt say anything to me last night

i came home early (wow 10pm)

thats how you feel

 

you see so he wont leave me alone!!

[ash519]

I am a tad confused. . .Does he live with you again?

 

Do you think he is being distant because he is angry with you since you dont trust him and constantly check up on him.

 

And I dont understand the "See, he wont leave me alone" comment because you are communicating with him. You are also pushing him away and telling him to leave and you dont want that.

 

Why dont you ask him "why have u been distant, why have you not been hugging me lately" instead of "I sniffed you underpants and they smell weird".

[mjayc]

I mean my gosh...first off...ew...sniffing his boxers??? I think u are a attention craver...all women like attn I KNOW THAT!..but you are taking it to extremes it sounds...if you ask him if he's cheated even if he has, likeliness of him telling you truthfully that he has is slim to none. Trust me.

 

Dont sniff laundry...it means nothing...if you find another woman's undies...THEN worry!...but don't sniff laundry...especially dirty laundry...

[alexa137]

yes he lives with me

and i have asked him in letters, by text and in pereson why hasnt he dont any thing! and no responses--i got 2 quickies this week and thats just bcause we lust for each other all the time--hes the only guy ive been with that if he just touches my arm or anywhere i get horny--and i know he just looks at me and boing!

 

but if you really want to know it all ive posted many times the past 2 months or so on many forums!!!!

[happygirl70]

I took a quick peak at your old threads, and believe me if you looked at mine they would be similar. But I am starting to really realize the error of my ways and working BIG TIME on fixing it because I am pushing the man i love right out the door, all because I am insecure.

 

STOP SNIFFING YOUR MANS UNDERPANTS! GROSS!!!! Stop checking his cell bill and phone...my bf's phone is under my name as well and I quit cold turkey checking phones, email, whatever. Only thing I check now is his pant pockets and that is because I do the laundry.....

 

How did you quit? Just decided to stop? It is really hard to stop looking, even though I know it is torture to me.

[ash519]

Happygirl, I think I just came to the conclusion that my behavior was crazy. It wasnt making me feel any better, it only made me more anxious. Before I checked I was anxious at what I would find and after I checked and found nothing I would get anxious at why I didnt find anything and would want to look more. It doesnt make you feel better. AND say you find something, say a little stain on his underpants (i love the word underpants HAHA), you would go crazy and ask "what is it, how did it get there..." And then you drive yourself nuts! If you go searching for something to be wrong, you'll find things you could interpret as wrong, even if they arent. It's a vicious circle and you have to draw the line and just stop. Eventually the want to do it will go away. It's a really bad habit. I think it has been helping me get through some insecurities I have and in the long run it will help my relationship.

 

Alexa- You say you two had sex a few days ago...Dont text him your questions. Ask him to his face. Dont let him escape it. Tell him you need him to open up a bit and let you know why he is being this way, how can you help...I bet there is resentment there due to the way you search his belongings like a police officer searching for drugs ya know. Talk to him, dont yell, dont accuse, just ask him whats up.

[alexa137]

i dont think he knows what i am doing--like checking i leave everything the way it was--hes not too smart ya know! anyways ive tried asking many times to his facve its always i dont want to hear that bull****--or always a sigh or i' m making it bigger than what it is---so the main questions arent ever getting answered no matter by face, letter phone or texts! also bcause hes only here to sleep and by then most of the time i am alrady in bed and says if i start he will sleep in the jeep! fun games huh

i stopped trying though--just waiting for him to get out! but the hardest part will be trying not to give in to sex! although he says hes not using me for it! but i dont see it that way!

[ash519]

If this is your apartment and you want him gone, pack up his sh** and put it near the door, tell him to be gone...change the locks. And definately dont sleep with him, it sounds like he has already left this relationship by what you are saying. And he is disrespectful. Get him out!

[happygirl70]

its not just that(sex) he hasnt hugged me, kissed me or said i love you in almost 2 weeks--and we are intimate everynight til then

 

now these are the texts i sent him today:

 

well since u didnt respond when i asked u last week about making choice obviously u did since u dont talk or do anything with me still-i'm mover it & moving on-so u cant stay here anymore its not or fair

i dont know what u are out there doing everynight the past 2 weeks since u are not with me

i got the feeling u were moving on since u werent speinding time with me and you never tell me anything or express your feelings etc - im not into games

if u cared or loved me u would b trying 2 do something 2 make it up 2 me but it seems like u just say f--- it and whatever and go on ur way

and u still dont say anything what sould i think u havent shown any affection towards me in weeks!

i think ive told you enough with the 3 letters ive wrote you

 

and all he had to say in between those were:

 

u didnt say anything to me last night

i came home early (wow 10pm)

thats how you feel

 

you see so he wont leave me alone!!

 

I know what you were trying to get from him was some sort of apology or attention that would give you reassurance that he was really still there for you in a significant way... I do this all time and I hate when I recognize it. The problem here is that negative talk or messages will get you what you DON'T want. He sees/hears this and instantly you will be getting a defensive and self-protecting response from him.

 

So, you have to decide if you want this relationship or if you just want to be right and self-righteous. My opinion is that you have to step up and act grownup about this and tell him that you care about him and that YOU want to be with him (not whiny, but calmly and sincerely)... not just asking him if he wants to be with you. IMO YOU have to be vulnerable in this situation and just lay it out there. If you hear what you don't want to hear, then you have to know you can accept it and you can move on. But, if you continue to give him grief, then it is so much easier for him to walk away that fight someone who is insistent that he is in the wrong.

[happygirl70]

i dont think he knows what i am doing--like checking i leave everything the way it was--hes not too smart ya know! anyways ive tried asking many times to his facve its always i dont want to hear that bull****--or always a sigh or i' m making it bigger than what it is---so the main questions arent ever getting answered no matter by face, letter phone or texts! also bcause hes only here to sleep and by then most of the time i am alrady in bed and says if i start he will sleep in the jeep! fun games huh

i stopped trying though--just waiting for him to get out! but the hardest part will be trying not to give in to sex! although he says hes not using me for it! but i dont see it that way!

 

Personally, I think you are fighting a male personality trait that you can't get around. Whether or not he is guilty of anything wouldn't change the behavior you are getting back. Just because he is defensive does not prove guilt. Could just mean his is angry over being constantly at.

[alexa137]

well thats kinda hard in this situation bcause i dont see him much---he alreadys knows i care and love him and he even bought me 2 diamond rings and talked about marriage and he wants me to have his baby etc....

but what kind of relationship is just being here for sex and to sleep?

i know its summer and he likes to get out of the house i do too--and he has a big family and i dont--so thats the reasons hes gone all day and night--i guess the test will be tommorrow night(fri) that is our usual day to hang out since its the only days my daughter is not with me(they dont get along) and thats another reason hes not here well tahts what he said the first time we had problems-that he couldnt live with a woman who needed to know where he was all the time and a child who is disrespectful

ok well if you are in a monogomous realtionship why should it care him telling me-- if he asks me i dont care or mind even though i do now only bcause he gets mad when i ask him--i feel if you are not cheating etc they shouldnt be a reason to tell what you do all day and night0--but for the past two weeks i have no idea--he usually calls me 10-20 times a day now nothing maybe a text or 2 in the evenings asking me what am i up to?

crazy huh?

[happygirl70]

I guess at this point the relationship is on a course that may be out of control, so I'm not sure what, if anything, you can do. If he doesn't get along with your child, that is a deal breaker to me. However!! You do need to ask yourself if there is any validity to what he is saying... is your daughter disrespectful? if yes, why? Are you seeking approval from her and, in that, not doing what is necessary to gain and keep the respect? I'm just asking because this will continue to cause problems, between you and she, between any partners that you have come along, AND for HER when she gets out on her own and tries to make a go of something with a significant other. Also, most people look at child/parent relationships and make definite judgments about you as a person. If you don't command respect from your child, you may not get it from any man who comes into your life simply because he has made the judgment about your character. I'm not saying that is right or justified, but it is reality. This is a very good time to take stock of yourself and really dig to see where you can improve so you feel more secure in yourself.

 

I hope things work out the way you want them to.

[alexa137]

ok alot was said the past few hrs---so here goes--

he came home work left within 10 mins--so i waited awhile called him and asked if he was staying out late 2nite he said no--he then texted me asking if i was starting ****--i said no im done got your hints--i cant play any more games and asked if he was testing me or what?

he came home real quick we argued about same subjects no answer no decision-he left--called him and told him i needed him out soon bcause friend from work might be moving in( i lied-didnt know what else to say or do) oh boy he was pissed! came back i grabbed my keys was trying to leave he blocked my car and said to go inside to talk i told him he made me wait 2 weeks he can wait a few hours and he drove off me too--he called told him to meet me at park up the street--argued in the parking lot--that not one time has he answered me etc...he said well if thats your way of getting me out then you and her better watch and see--etc...

i told him i cant say no more -ive written it text it and talked to him

asked him why he hasnt spent time with me he says bcause he cant b around someone who talke to him like ****-and i told him i changed my work schedule etc to try to make it work and he said he cant keep forgiving and forgeting blah blah..when i mentioned why he hasnt hugged or kissed me he said that why cant i try--well i did sat night and he said no stop! told him i was scared of rejection, the usual ritual was that before he left for work when i as still in bed he would come kiss me and say i love you and leave--been that way for almost a year---so thats what ive been waiting for--i assumed he has been interested in someone else then---he said you know where i am everyday my dads and brothers!

so anyways i started crying and he told me to chill and that i messed up by saying my friend was moving- i tld him i dont knw what else to say or do anymore--that it has to go one way or the other--and he said oh if its not your way then whatever--so i asked ok which way would you want it? no answer there--see still getting nowhere--i came home he called to see if i was home and that we would talk later--i said no i tired of everyday being later etc...i just can win--he thinks i changed just for the moment--but what about him--he doesnt understand how stressful it is to work 2 jobs and be a single mom and still cant afford bills and i dont get to go out everynight and have fun like him