Best revenge on a cheating spouse...

[a4a]

SC divorce her.

 

Not being smart. But if she was out running around, is not trying to put anything in effort wise, what do you have left?

 

Why not get it over with asap. Move on. And I am sure you will find someone that won't lie and be a floosy.

 

I feel for you and understand that you are venting here.

But eventually you have got to quit letting her control your life.

 

It might feel good for a bit longer to make her suffer/understand how bad it feels to hurt, but eventually that is not going to make you feel good any longer.

 

Why not start planning your exit out of this lie?

[hardcase]

You want guarantees that nobody gets..

 

Anyone can have a test done..if someone chooses to blindly believe everything that comes out of a cheaters mouth...then hey..thats their problem.

 

I for one do not want to blindly forgive only to one day find out that she is doing it again.

 

Can you pass the same test ? If she takes the test and has to answer perverse questions then so should you have to answer those same questions and not fail either..

 

You bet I'd pass it. I have never cheated on her and never would. She was everything to me...yes...I used the word "was". Whether it becomes the word "is" again will remain to be seen.

 

She even said.."well if i had to take it so do you"...I said, "no problem"...thats when she refused.

 

One failed question and off to the attorneys she goes..

 

Not one failed question....a failed answer on the right questions. And really...if she failed the test about what she did in the past...well..thats neither here nor there, that would be just getting to the bottom of whether I was hearing the whole story.

 

If she failed the question of "do you love your husband and want to spend the rest of your life with him"...THEN yes...I'd file.

 

She might even ask questions about your anger.. or questions about things that have happened in your marriage that you haven't spoken about..could you handle that ?

 

You bet. I don't hide my feelings when the situation arises...she knows I am thoroughly upset with her.

 

she'd be asking me questions to which she already knows the answer...but if she wanted me to...then strap on those electrodes.

[Trialbyfire]

Because her choices are beyond his control. He can only choose what he does. And whether it's to get a divorce or rebuild the marriage, he's got to give his own choices 100% commitment.

 

If it's not what's in your heart... it's just lip-service. So as long as the negativity persists within him, it might as well be on his lips. It colors EVERYTHING.

But that's just it. I don't think he's made a choice. He awaits her indication of fidelity, hardcore indication versus lipservice.

 

I do have a suggestion for SC/HC though. I would write out a list of questions and get her responses. Then, I would ask her if she's willing to take the LDT with this same list of questions and nothing more. If she says "how can I trust you to stay within these boundaries of questions", he can draft up the same list with an agreement that says he may not ask more, both sign the agreement and have it witnessed, so it's a comfort zone for both of them. If she refuses, you know she didn't tell you the complete truth on her original responses without the LDT.

[hardcase]

Because her choices are beyond his control. He can only choose what he does. And whether it's to get a divorce or rebuild the marriage, he's got to give his own choices 100% commitment.

.

 

So I am suppose to accomodate her needs, and she gets a free pass with no effort....get real TC.

[Trialbyfire]

So I am suppose to accomodate her needs, and she gets a free pass with no effort....get real TC.

Whoah hc, Lj is not even close to TC. She's one of our most well-meaning members out there and gives good advice. While you may not agree with her advice, please give her a little more respect than that.

[Ladyjane14]

So I am suppose to accomodate her needs, and she gets a free pass with no effort.....

 

Hey, hang around and punish her for as long as she'll let you then. It's YOUR choice. No skin off my nose.

 

If a punitive attitude is what you're willing to bring your 100% commitment to... don't be surprised with the results you get is all I'm saying. In my experience, negative energy won't bring you positive results within the confines of the marital relationship.

 

Personally, if I was her... I'd give you some pointers on anatomy while I suggested places where you might put that lie detector test.

So, be prepared if you decide to push it.

 

I think you're making a mistake, but it's your funeral.

[Tomcat33]

So I am suppose to accomodate her needs, and she gets a free pass with no effort....get real TC.

 

 

You said me but quoted someone else...!?!? anywa the answer is NO, she doesn't get a free pass at all, what kind of dummy does that? We haven't pegged your for a fool SC. You set the ground rules and you talk about eveything you need to move forward openly, have you done that?

 

Have you actually sat down and talked openly of what's needed in the rel in order for you to regain some healthiness back? If so how is that panning out? Does she stick to her word, does she make you feel secure about your worries?

 

What is your rel with her day in day out, I mean do you communicate, do you let each other know when you are feeling insecure in a constructive way or does your pride get in the way?

[Ladyjane14]

Thanks for the kind words, TBF. I think you're 'aces' too, hon.

[hardcase]

So I am suppose to accomodate her needs, and she gets a free pass with no effort....get real TC.

 

 

Oops..I meant LJ

[hardcase]

Hey, hang around and punish her for as long as she'll let you then. It's YOUR choice. No skin off my nose.

 

If a punitive attitude is what you're willing to bring your 100% commitment to... don't be surprised with the results you get is all I'm saying. In my experience, negative energy won't bring you positive results within the confines of the marital relationship.

 

Personally, if I was her... I'd give you some pointers on anatomy while I suggested places where you might put that lie detector test.

So, be prepared if you decide to push it.

 

I think you're making a mistake, but it's your funeral.

 

so I guess the answer to my question is...yes...she should get a free pass.

 

Birds of a feather flock together.

[Tomcat33]

SC:

 

 

Have you actually sat down and talked openly of what's needed in the rel in order for you to regain some healthiness back? If so how is that panning out? Does she stick to her word, does she make you feel secure about your worries?

 

What is your rel with her day in day out, I mean do you communicate, do you let each other know when you are feeling insecure in a constructive way or does your pride get in the way?

[Ladyjane14]

Birds of a feather flock together.

 

Are you accusing me of being a woman, or a cheater, or what?

[hardcase]

SC:

 

 

Have you actually sat down and talked openly of what's needed in the rel in order for you to regain some healthiness back?

 

yes

 

If so how is that panning out?

 

It isn't...she continues to lie. but thats been a while..I grew tired of trying to get her to tell the truth.

 

Does she stick to her word, does she make you feel secure about your worries?

 

Stick to her word about not partying, yes, but she is not happy about giving that up.

 

Does she make me feel secure....no. I even told her she doesn't give a shi!t about me...she'll then say a half-assed.."yes i do" and doesn't elaborate.

 

What is your rel with her day in day out

 

Like friends...occasional sex...which I admit almost sickens me now.

[hardcase]

Are you accusing me of being a woman, or a cheater, or what?

 

Most of the women stick up for her because she is a woman.

 

A cheater?..well I don't know. Maybe you were an OW...maybe you cheated...I don't know.

 

All I can say is, seems to be alot of women that can't stand seeing a man stand up for himself here.

[Tomcat33]

yes

 

 

 

It isn't...she continues to lie. but thats been a while..I grew tired of trying to get her to tell the truth.

 

 

 

Stick to her word about not partying, yes, but she is not happy about giving that up.

 

Does she make me feel secure....no. I even told her she doesn't give a shi!t about me...she'll then say a half-assed.."yes i do" and doesn't elaborate.

 

 

 

Like friends...occasional sex...which I admit almost sickens me now.

 

Ok how does she continue to lie? How do you know? And most importantly why do put up with that? I think I am starting to understand this anger of yours....

[Trialbyfire]

Most of the women stick up for her because she is a woman.

 

A cheater?..well I don't know. Maybe you were an OW...maybe you cheated...I don't know.

 

All I can say is, seems to be alot of women that can't stand seeing a man stand up for himself here.

Lj is a betrayed wife that managed to salvage her marriage and has made it better than before. Pretty amazing stuff.

[Tomcat33]

I don't stick up to your W because she is a woman and so am I, what I'll admit I do is play devil's advocate because your W is not here to defend or tell her side of the story, so I like to understand both sides even if it's only going to come out of your mouth.

[Tomcat33]

I don't stick up to your W because she is a woman and so am I, what I'll admit I do is play devil's advocate because your W is not here to defend or tell her side of the story, so I like to understand both sides even if it's only going to come out of your mouth I like to gain some perspective...

[Ladyjane14]

Most of the women stick up for her because she is a woman.

 

Hmmm... we women are all the same, huh? That doesn't quite explain why a compassionate women like WWIU , or a passionate woman like a4a , have had your back today.

 

A cheater?..well I don't know. Maybe you were an OW...maybe you cheated...I don't know.

 

Well, let me clue you in then.... I cheated on every boyfriend I ever had and one woman I didn't know. I learned that behavior not only from the boyfriends themselves, but from the faulty marriage model placed before me by my parents.

 

That said, I had concluded all that kind of behavior by age 20. People do have the capacity to learn and grow, you know. And I've been a faithful wife for nearly a quarter century now. We've worked through problems, ill-will, and a fidelity crisis.

 

Today... we're VERY happy together.

[hardcase]

Ok how does she continue to lie? How do you know?

 

How many times do I have to explain it to you....a couple years ago quite frequently...and here and there about a year before D-day...she'd go clubbing with her huss friends...stay out til 4am in the morning..she'll say she's at one friend's house...that friend would say no..they were at someone elses house...on and on and on.

 

Oh...and cell phone turned off. Now unless you are the biggest fool on the planet, you'd know she is lying about not messing around.

 

And most importantly why do put up with that? I think I am starting to understand this anger of yours....

 

I don't put up with it now that I know she has cheated before. I'd stay home with our kids so she could go out and have fun...I was happy to do that so she wasn't stuck around the house all the time. I'd tell her to have fun and don't stay out too late...i never thought anything of her coming home late since I figured she was at a friends house winding down..shooting the bull....til I found out she cheated when we were engaged...then i started probing and these are the things I found out.

 

So suffice it to say...she is no longer to go out with those tramps and never to go to a bar or club.....oh she is a big girl and can do what she wants...I won't stop her, but she now knows there will be consequences to her actions...like her clothes being thrown out on the front lawn.

[hardcase]

Lj is a betrayed wife that managed to salvage her marriage and has made it better than before. Pretty amazing stuff.

 

Then if I implied to the contrary, then my apologies LJ and good for you.

[hardcase]

Hmmm... we women are all the same, huh? That doesn't quite explain why a compassionate women like WWIU , or a passionate woman like a4a , have had your back today.

 

I guess the word "Most" that I used in the beginning of that sentence didn't compute with you.

 

Well, let me clue you in then.... I cheated on every boyfriend I ever had

 

Thats all I need to know...thanks for the insight.

[hardcase]

Then if I implied to the contrary, then my apologies LJ and good for you.

 

Well wait...after reading what LJ said..I rescind that.

[Darth Vader]

First off...I will be only required to pay child support...which I would gladly do and then some.

 

And if I divorce...I won't be the one leaving the house...she wouldn't be able to afford it. I would have to live in it until I could sell it.

 

However...I just started saving for their future and college....all of that will be gone. Don't even get me started on student loan BS either...I never wanted to burden them with paying $100K loan...might as well forget college and work at a factory.

 

Bottom line...I didn't bring my children into this world so I could tell them, "tough luck buddies...you're on your own now".

 

 

Why would you pay child support if one of your children isn't yours?

[Ladyjane14]

You reveal yourself more every minute, HC.