Best revenge on a cheating spouse...

[LittleLady]

why get married? If you don't want to have fun with your spouse then don't bother being married, just live together and be two free and independent people. But if you make a commitment to be with someone be with them. And if a woman wants to go out and have a little fun then that same woman can NOT object to her husband going to strip clubs and him having a little fun his way. To bad he didn't cheat on you. I'm sure you would have deserved it.Do you consider it controlling to prevent your husband (stbxH) from going to strip clubs? How about your boss/lover? Going to control his seeing other women? No, he wasn't being a good husband. A good husband does NOT allow his wife to go out to clubs without him and letting her get into trouble. He aided and abetted her bad behavior and that is not being a good husband.

You sound like a very controlling person. Chances are you will make your spouse miserable or she will dump your sorry azz soon and cheat on you. HAHA.. "a good husband does NOT allow".. who the FU^& are you to make the choice for anybody to do anything!??? Wife or not, you are not her MASTER! You won't "allow" her? You are one insecure little toad, aren't you? If you don't have trust for your wife, I don't blame you. Chances are she'll want to run as far from you as possible and as QUICKLY as she can! You sound like a nutcase!

[Flyin in Clouds]

Spoken like someone that doesn't have any kids...

 

I think at this point dna has little to do with whose the father here.. HC is the father and something tells me that he would never abandon his children.

Yeah, well I'm trying to figure out how to get my kids tested without them or my W knowing. I just want to know the answer.

 

So the out come of a DNA test will be, HC is the father or he's not.

 

If he's not he knows the truth about his wife's cheating. If he is, he still won't know if she cheated or not.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think SC would dump his children if they were someone else's. HE is all those kids know! Why should innocent children have to suffer? He IS their father, even if they don't share the same blood.

 

Anyway, I doubt very much that the kids are someone else's.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

Woggle, Flyin, etc. - look, gentlemen. This thread is about SC/HC's marriage. Not about how all women suck. It's about one guy's story,

The title is something about the "best revenge". Well... my opinion is the best revenge is to be happy - with another woman.

 

HC wants to be "noble" or self sacrificing for the sake of his kids. Well, OK. But then he should just suck it up and never mention his wife's indiscretions gain. In the long run I think he'll regret that. When he's old and gray and it's too late to have a little fun with a woman he'd like.

 

It also reduces a discussion about how to deal with cheating to a nonsensical war of the sexes that isn't helpful.

Dang it, serial are you a woman or man. I'd guess woman. This is about the war of the sexes. Affairs are about a power stuggle, about regaining self, about getting something you think you deserve that your SO isn't poviding. It is a war alright. At least it feels like one.

 

Oh, I guess I want to add this - whatever you may be reading on other boards - you are on this board, and you are talking with these people. You know?

People, groups of people, like say cheaters share common characteristics, that's why they are a group. Cheaters are liars and untrustworthy.

 

As to helping HC what does he need help with? Deciding to stay with his wife that cheated on him? Deciding how to get over it?

 

I think one thing that gets in the way of reconciliation is the BS feeling superior to the WS because the BS hasn't been a lying cheater. One way to fix that is for the BS to do what the WS did. Then they are "equal" - equally "bad" or equally human...

 

I know for me it would be the ONLY way I could over come my wife's infidelity if she cheated on me.

 

And in HC's case, his working out has two benifits. Should his wife leave him he's in better shape for a new love. And it is making his wife feel some anxiety because he might dump her. Good things.

[Art_Critic]

Yeah, well I'm trying to figure out how to get my kids tested without them or my W knowing. I just want to know the answer.

 

So the out come of a DNA test will be, HC is the father or he's not.

 

If he's not he knows the truth about his wife's cheating. If he is, he still won't know if she cheated or not.

 

and how do you think his or your own children would feel if they knew about the test ?

In reality getting a dna test this far into the game would be a DIRECT rejection of the child.. even if the dna test comes back good.. the child would know that they were rejected for that moment in time..

 

That would rip the child/children in two and would ultimately crush them and affect them in a way far greater than any divorce would..

I cannot believe any good father would put their child thru that and I hope you are only joking about doing it to your own ..

[Woggle]

Sit down and shut the f*ck up bitch is what we'd like to say. I'm the man here and you'll do as I say or hit the road.---You really are psycho and sound like my ex. And then you question which came first??? My cheating or his putrid personality, which apparently you think changes at the drop of a hat. You are one dumb misogynistic prick! Have fun in life.. cause it sounds like your demented butt will end up old bald and alone!

 

You are the man? Isn't that really what feminism boils down to? If you want to be a man so much there are operations that can help with that.

[Flyin in Clouds]

....As for me, I lived in Cuba for 2 years. I also studied abroad where they teach you all about Che Guevara amongst other leaders in world history as part of the regular program.

 

What makes you think what they taught you was anything but lies, particularly if you got it in Cuba?

 

I just find it ironic that someone that opposes the death penality would also quote Che, a guy that sent thousands to death by firing squad.

 

But if you need to see it in black and white: I disagee with you. I asked you if you were high when you wrote the bit about getting as angry as you need to infront of the children to show them what a whore their mother is, because only a person who is high would seriously advise that.

Well since I wasn't high, nor insane, nor an unfit parent or any other thing you'd care to throw out (in a rage?) I guess you'd be flat out wrong... huh?

 

So rather waste time on insults, how about saying WHY you think it wrong to let the little darlings know the truth about their mother and what she did that has hurt their father and destroyed their chance for a happy family? There is NO WAY that this situation isn't going to affect those kids in some way. I do not believe that these two can hide the truth that well and act like loving parents that love each other in a big Ozzie and Harriet family for the next 15 or 20 years.

 

One thing that I think too many guys do fall into these day, due to the feminist sensitivity training all these younger guys had to endure, is that a guy is expected to give a woman anything she wants because she has a right to it, including having lovers if she wants them. She's entitled. She is woman hear her roar. Frankly a lot of us are tired of it. Sit down and shut the f*ck up bitch is what we'd like to say. I'm the man here and you'll do as I say or hit the road. Now I know that will set off the feminist in the crowd. How dare a man... am I his property? yada yada yada. But frankly I think it works a whole lot better if women weren't so "equal" or so "independent" that they are always feeling so entitled to have everything their way.

 

 

All I have to say about your bolded comment up there is, it doesn't surprise me ONE bit that you would advocate tit-for-tat (go ahead cheat on her), agression in front of the children, vilolence against women.So not only do you come across as an unfit parent you also come across as an unfit spouse. The reality is that men that speak like you are more whipped by their women than cool-whip. LOL

The bolded part is what we'd like to say, but don't.

 

Women seem to have this idea that they can do any damn rotten thing they want and we men should just grin and bear it. Women are entitled to behave as badly as they want to - and no consequence, no remrose, no apology even. (Has HC's W even said she was sorry and meant it?)

 

The advice given here has NOTHING to do with being a woman or a man, you just want to highjack this threas to vent your anti-femenist issues.

Well that is your world view. Men and women are essentially the same. My advise is that men and women aren't the same and has everything to do with being a man or woman.

 

What we have here is a man, who was cheated on who chooses to stay with his cheating W

Foolishly, IMO.

 

and who is also in a lot of pain.

Brother I know the pain.

 

All I want to know is what is he going to do about it, because where he is right now is neither good for him nor his children. He's stuck in limbo feeding his resentment.

I agree that were he's at is no good for him or his kids and I don't give a damn about his cheating wife. Her pain, lack of pain, or anything else is absolutley of no consequence. She created the mess. She created the pain. She's responsible and in denial.

 

 

Look the mature thing to do is to sit down with your spouse and work out an agreement that works for the two of you, there is no right or wrong as far as what is good matrimonial protocol for a successful marriage, it's all about negotiation between the two people involved and about what BOTH parties feel comfortable with, contrary to what the neighbour might think

It's a little late for that. They should have done that before getting married... for pete's sake.

 

I totally agree that the two of them should have agreed on those issues. But she unilaterally decided to cheat. She didn't discuss it with HC.

 

The point was what to do now. Going forward. HC can't undo the past. Too late. So what does he do? Live a miserable life for the sake of his kids? Or can he really let it go and say it doesn't matter all that much because the future is what is important? Man that would be awfully hard for me in HC's shoes. Not without a little revenge affair of my own. For the reasons I've repeatedly stated. It makes things equal again. I wouldn't feel as cheated. That I missed out on something she got to have that I was forbidden. I wouldn't feel superior or inferior. It would dull the pain.

 

At one point in SC's relationship the agreement he and his W had seemed good, little did he know that she would take the priviledge that she was given and abuse it.

Look, anyone that thinks behaving like an unmarried person after they are married, doing things they did before marriage as far as bar hoping, hoping in and out of beds, if anyone things that shouldn't be changed immediatly upon marriage (or engagement), well OK... but I think that person is being very foolish.

 

But he gave it the benefit of the doubt because he trusted her, he wanted to give to her unconditionally (which is really hard to do) The bottom line is that she would have found a way to cheat either way, clubs or no clubs, she had it in her....THAT'S what you should be focusing on not the fact that he was "dumb" to let her go to clubs. She had already cheated on him by that point so the club thing is irrelevant

It's a huge red flag. Others beware. If your spouse is doing this better hire a PI to watch them. Continuing to play the singles game just doesn't fit with married life, unless the couple likes the hot wife game. But that isn't the case here.

 

I well understand HC's predicament. He has no win-win choices. Every choice he makes has a down side, thanks to his wife. Stay and be unhappy, divorce - lose kids, cheat - guilt and perhaps divorce and loss kids... where is the win? Anytime he does something with another woman his wife is going to be suspicious he's cheating because that's what she would be doing? That's a great way to live.

[Flyin in Clouds]

You sound like a very controlling person. ... "a good husband does NOT allow".. who the FU^& are you to make the choice for anybody to do anything!??? Wife or not, you are not her MASTER!

Well actually yeah, I like to do the Master/slave thing... a litle BDSM...

 

You won't "allow" her?

If my wife said to me, "look honey I want to go out to bars, dancing with other men and partying with them until the wee hours... you baby sit the kids. OK?" I would say "no way". And if she left, she'd find her clothes on the lawn and the door locks changed and divorce papers served on her sorry ass the next day.

 

There are some things which I simply won't tolerate. And that means I would divorce her. (or cheat on her depending on the situation).

 

The basic rule I have in our relationship, which is non-negotiable, is that we both get to play by the same rules. If she wants the relationship monogamous then fine, we're both honor bound to only have sex with each other. If she wants other men, I can have other women. She wants to be out dancing and I object, then I can go to strip clubs and get the lap dance I might like.

 

You are one insecure little toad, aren't you? If you don't have trust for your wife, I don't blame you. Chances are she'll want to run as far from you as possible and as QUICKLY as she can! You sound like a nutcase!

nutcase? lol.... If saying we both have to play by the same rules is controlling... then so be it. I'm controlling. If saying I won't tolerate certain behavior (and remain married) is controlling, then yeah, I'm controlling.

[Flyin in Clouds]

I don't think SC would dump his children if they were someone else's. ...

The DNA test isn't to dump his kids if they aren't his, the test to find out if his wife is lying to him. Better than a lie detector test for sure.

[Flyin in Clouds]

and how do you think his or your own children would feel if they knew about the test ?

And why would they know about the test any more than know the truth about their lying cheating mother?

 

I cannot believe any good father would put their child thru that and I hope you are only joking about doing it to your own ..

Absolutely not. If I can collect the DNA without them knowing (and I'm sure I can), then the they won't know about the test or the results. But I would.

[Art_Critic]

And why would they know about the test any more than know the truth about their lying cheating mother?

 

Absolutely not. If I can collect the DNA without them knowing (and I'm sure I can), then the they won't know about the test or the results. But I would.

 

Kids know more than you think.. and lets say 5 years go by and someone in your family spills their guts..then you have hurt your child with the hurt of 1000 wounds..they would know you rejected them.

 

You cannot collect and use results for dna without their mothers or a judges okay..Sorry.. you just can't do it.. they would need the mothers dna also..

Now if you have a judges order that is different..

 

What the heck is wrong with you to want to destroy your own child's life like that ??

[Trialbyfire]

Kids know more than you think.. and lets say 5 years go by and someone in your family spills their guts..then you have hurt your child with the hurt of 1000 wounds..they would know you rejected them.

 

You cannot collect and use results for dna without their mothers or a judges okay..Sorry.. you just can't do it.. they would need the mothers dna also..

Now if you have a judges order that is different..

 

What the heck is wrong with you to want to destroy your own child's life like that ??

I 100% agree. Children are not a battleground for the dysfunctional relationship of their parents, biological or otherwise.

[Art_Critic]

Absolutely not. If I can collect the DNA without them knowing (and I'm sure I can), then the they won't know about the test or the results. But I would.

 

 

In order for a dna test to be considered accurate it has to be done within the bounds of the company doing the test..

and something tells me a hair in a dirty brown envelope that you say is hers isn't going to be good enough for a reputable company to put their stamp on it..

[serial muse]

The title is something about the "best revenge". Well... my opinion is the best revenge is to be happy - with another woman.

 

HC wants to be "noble" or self sacrificing for the sake of his kids. Well, OK. But then he should just suck it up and never mention his wife's indiscretions gain. In the long run I think he'll regret that. When he's old and gray and it's too late to have a little fun with a woman he'd like.

 

Dang it, serial are you a woman or man. I'd guess woman. This is about the war of the sexes. Affairs are about a power stuggle, about regaining self, about getting something you think you deserve that your SO isn't poviding. It is a war alright. At least it feels like one.

 

People, groups of people, like say cheaters share common characteristics, that's why they are a group. Cheaters are liars and untrustworthy.

 

As to helping HC what does he need help with? Deciding to stay with his wife that cheated on him? Deciding how to get over it?

 

I think one thing that gets in the way of reconciliation is the BS feeling superior to the WS because the BS hasn't been a lying cheater. One way to fix that is for the BS to do what the WS did. Then they are "equal" - equally "bad" or equally human...

 

I know for me it would be the ONLY way I could over come my wife's infidelity if she cheated on me.

 

And in HC's case, his working out has two benifits. Should his wife leave him he's in better shape for a new love. And it is making his wife feel some anxiety because he might dump her. Good things.

 

 

I am a woman who divorced her cheating exhusband. Nuff said. And I maintain that cheating is not about men vs. women, it is about disrespect and lying, which both genders are fully capable of. Reducing it to some nasty debate about who suffers more is just thoughtless and insensitive, and shows deep bitterness.

 

As for your suggestions to help - SC has already indicated he doesn't approve of cheating and would never do it. He is an individual, and that's not what he wants. Respect that, and deal with him as a person. He doesn't have to "suck up" and deal with it just because he won't cheat back. He needs to find another way, and yours isn't going to work for him, as he has already told you.

 

And as I've said multiple, multiple times, I fully agree that he should work out all he wants, make himself look as hot as he likes and she should eat her heart out. Yes, I'm a woman, and I think that.

[Impudent Oyster]

to read all these responses but I agree with SC...the best revenge is to look good, work out, take care of youself, get educated, concentrate on your work, your kids, your hobbies whatever but take the focus off the cheating spouse.

 

It's good to know that you will be just fine without your spouse, that you're not going to curl up in a little ball and wither away because they went outside the marriage.

 

Personally, after my husband cheated I rented a nice house on the ocean for a few weeks, took the kids and said sayonara...I wasn't going to wallow in self-pity. He got the message real fast that I didn't need him and wasn't going to let his infidelity ruin my life. I also looked really, really good. Poor guy called me 10 times a day at least but I was too busy to talk to him. He almost had a nervous breakdown when he realized what he almost threw away over a piece of ass.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Good for you oyster, you did the right thing in leaving. I think that's the best thing a betrayed spouse can do. Let them feel that you dont need them. If they think that the OM/OW is so good let them be their SO and let's see what happens when the tables are turned because what goes around truly comes around!

[Impudent Oyster]

Good for you oyster, you did the right thing in leaving. I think that's the best thing a betrayed spouse can do. Let them feel that you dont need them. If they think that the OM/OW is so good let them be their SO and let's see what happens when the tables are turned because what goes around truly comes around!

 

Barracuda..the OW went straight to being a psycho who my husband swore he wouldn't want anything to do with if she were the last woman on earth so fast it was almost comical...almost. I can laugh now.

 

I told him I'd be happy to ship all his belongings to her house ASAP and he looked like he was going to have a stroke. I do believe he had a panic attack...

[Chrome Barracuda]

Barracuda..the OW went straight to being a psycho who my husband swore he wouldn't want anything to do with if she were the last woman on earth so fast it was almost comical...almost. I can laugh now.

 

I told him I'd be happy to ship all his belongings to her house ASAP and he looked like he was going to have a stroke. I do believe he had a panic attack...

 

 

LMAO!!!! now that's funny. I wonder if you asked him was all the cheating worth it? Was it worth the destruction of your family, and the love of a nice and faithful wife? And the loss of respect from your family and colleagues.

[Flyin in Clouds]

..they would know you rejected them.

 

Why do you assume if I have my kids DNA tested that means I would reject them? Do you think adopted kids feel rejected?

 

You cannot collect and use results for dna without their mothers or a judges okay

You know not where of you speak. Yes I can collect their DNA because they happen to live in the house with me. And yes I can have it tested without anyone's OK. No that test isn't admissible in a court of law. And that isn't the point. The point is purely for my information.

 

..Sorry.. you just can't do it..

Sorry, yes I can...

 

 

they would need the mothers dna also..

They don't need their mothers DNA because we know who the mother is for pete's sake, I watched them be born. Kind had to be hers.

 

Now if you have a judges order that is different..

Judge got nothing to do with it. Period.

 

What the heck is wrong with you to want to destroy your own child's life like that ??

Art, you don't read well. Get some glasses, please.

 

I said I'd collect the DNA samples and have the test done without anyone but ME knowing they were being done. Geez.....

 

and yes, that kind of test is not valid in court. Do you think I haven't researched this?

[Flyin in Clouds]

I 100% agree. Children are not a battleground for the dysfunctional relationship of their parents, biological or otherwise.

saddly all to often parents do use their kids as a way to hurt the other spouse in bitter divorces. Happens all the time. Some go so far as murdering their own children just to hurt their ex.

[Flyin in Clouds]

I am a woman .... And I maintain that cheating is not about men vs. women, it is about disrespect and lying, which both genders are fully capable of.

agreed and that wasn't the issue. The issue was do men and women react differenlty to being betrayed. I maintain they do (in general...).

 

Women are emotional. They have to have an emotional connect to have sex (usually, not many women will just have casual sex soley for the orgasm it provides. They want some emotional connection with the man first. Yes, exceptions exist).

 

Men, OTOH can and do have sex without an emotional connection.

 

Because of that difference in attitude or feelings about sex in a relationship I believe men and women react differenlty to being betrayed.

 

What hurt you the most about your husband's betrayal? The fact he has sex with another woman, or that he had a "relationship" with another woman?

 

Reducing it to some nasty debate about who suffers more is just thoughtless and insensitive, and shows deep bitterness.

I believe that a lot of the problems men and women have in relationship stems from the fundamental difference men and women have regarding sex, fidelity, etc. It is a lack of understanding the other side's point of view. A lack of seeing an affair through their eyes, instead of our own. Often women are rejecting the men that love them because the guys want sex. The women see it as being used, not as their man expressing his highest love for her. And that causes a whole cascade of problems often ending in cheating.

 

So it is not a nasty debate. It is trying to understand how each side in the gender war sees the other and sees themselves in relationships. It's trying get to a deeper understanding.

 

As for your suggestions to help - SC has already indicated he doesn't approve of cheating and would never do it.

Yeap, and I'm only trying to have him think about all the consequences of that decision, both pro and con. He may never agree with me, which is fine. But I'd like him to consider all the angles and not simply reject something beause everyone else says a revenge affair isn't the way to go. Let him decide for himself. And I think he has.

 

He doesn't have to "suck up" and deal with it just because he won't cheat back. He needs to find another way, and yours isn't going to work for him, as he has already told you.

What other way? He's only got a few choices.

 

1. live as it is, suffer with his hurt his wife caused him - i.e. suck it up as best he can.

 

2. divorce - it might end there not that he wants it to.

 

3. cheat - not going there so that option is out.

 

What other choices are there? Therapy? I doubt that does anything but clarify the three options above.

 

From everything he's said his wife is not about to change, not if he doesn't do anything radical like file for divorce or choose option number 3. If she doesn't have to fight for him she has no motive to change.

 

As I see it there is no win-win for HC. Maybe he can see one or somebody else can, but as I see it, every choice he has has negatives with it. It's a matter of chosing the "bad" he can live with the easiest I think.

 

And as I've said multiple, multiple times, I fully agree that he should work out all he wants, make himself look as hot as he likes and she should eat her heart out. Yes, I'm a woman, and I think that.

Yep the best revenge is living well.

 

But if I was in HC's shoes, (and in a way I am...) I'd want to know if my kids were mine. It is important to me to know for sure. And I'd want my shot at other women if my wife had other men (and under my concept of fairness, under the same conditions she had her lovers.i.e. not having to give up the comforts of marriage, home, financial security etc. ) I sure as hell am not interested in making sacrifices for someone that made none for me.

[Art_Critic]

Why do you assume if I have my kids DNA tested that means I would reject them? Do you think adopted kids feel rejected?

 

Because just the fact that you dispute their own paternity is rejection and they will feel it as soo.. and yes most adopted kids do feel rejected their ENTIRE lives..it is a huge hurdle for them to make.. have you never heard of an adoptee seeking out their adoptive parents to find whatever it is that is missing ?

[Art_Critic]

They don't need their mothers DNA because we know who the mother is for pete's sake, I watched them be born. Kind had to be hers.

 

I guess in the end you can do whatever you want and find whatever dna testing company to do it.. but also in the end if it wasn't done thru the courts why even do it ? it would be fraught with an over whelming umbrella of inaccuracy..

[serial muse]

agreed and that wasn't the issue. The issue was do men and women react differenlty to being betrayed. I maintain they do (in general...).

 

Okay, so I was responding to this:

 

This is about the war of the sexes. Affairs are about a power stuggle, about regaining self, about getting something you think you deserve that your SO isn't poviding. It is a war alright. At least it feels like one.

 

when I said it's not about men vs. women - I meant, it's not about a war of the sexes. So okay, glad we agree then. Heh.

 

 

Women are emotional. They have to have an emotional connect to have sex (usually, not many women will just have casual sex soley for the orgasm it provides. They want some emotional connection with the man first. Yes, exceptions exist).

 

Men, OTOH can and do have sex without an emotional connection.

 

Because of that difference in attitude or feelings about sex in a relationship I believe men and women react differenlty to being betrayed.

 

What hurt you the most about your husband's betrayal? The fact he has sex with another woman, or that he had a "relationship" with another woman?

 

Huh, I got confused for a minute there - I could have sworn I responded to this, and then realized it was on that other thread about cheaters understanding the pain they inflict. Sorry to link to myself, but my answer is here (don't feel like typing it again):

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=119586&page=3

 

So, basically, I disagree.

 

Because you see, I don't think it serves much purpose to say "men feel this" and "women feel that" and categorize people in two separate but equal camps as though there's no crossover, which there clearly is, if you just read around the boards a bit. Spend more time over in the OM/OW boards, and you'll get a far better understanding of how women feel about betrayal, and you'll see how much they object to the physical as well as the emotional betrayal. I think it's just a false either/or scenario that leaves most people outside its neat little boxes, and therefore only is helpful to a few.

 

What other way? He's only got a few choices.

 

Well, as you say - then it'll have to be one of those other ways you mentioned. And yes, which one is really best for him is something that therapy might indeed help him figure out.

 

Yep the best revenge is living well.

 

No doubt. On that, we completely agree!

[Tomcat33]

Hey Flying in Clouds, it's evident that you want to make this about gender issues, so let's explore that:

 

I remember reading a few pages back a comment you made something to the effect that men feel the betrayal differently than women. you were eluding to the fact that being cheated on is more intense for men than women.

I am very curious as to how you come to that conclusion. Because last I checked betrayal has no gender, the feeling that is evoked from being lied to has no gender, both genders feel the pain equally.

 

I get the impression that what you described was more of this chauvenistic view that you have that MEN cannot possibly be put through such disrespect, where as for some cockamany reason you feel that women should be better equipt if not more "prepared"to deal with being cheated on, simply because they are women and their men only did it for sex!?!?

 

 

Sorry but your views sound very chauvenistic, sort of like you are part of the old "boys club" if you know what I mean....

 

Betrayal is betrayal it's not about what a woman gets from an extramarital affair VS what a man does, the people on the other end of the lies (and this goes both for the BS and the OW OM even though some might disagree the OW/OM are sometimes victims too) feel the pain parallel to the breach of trust that occurs independently of what they may or may not achieve from said affairs .