Best revenge on a cheating spouse...

[whichwayisup]

Oh gimme a break you two!! He doesn't affect ME personally, I am not in a frame of mind that is vulnerable, so his comments really don;t get to me personally, I am here trying to help him aren't I?

 

Then quit bitching about him venting and how he is on LS!!! Christ, up until a day ago or so you weren't doing much to help the guy except bash him and tell him how to feel, you'd disagree with him on how he said he is at home, and argue.

 

But for now, he is not. I don't want to drive him away for that.

True.

[Tomcat33]

My point with the "nudge' comment, besides being a little flippant (which, BTW, I do think you got but sidestepped), is that nobody likes to be nudged towards an understanding of a thing that they do not share in.

 

Not HC, not you, not me for that matter.

 

 

Yeah ok I thought you meant that, I wasn't sure.

Yeah I agree I totally agree there is not changing someone's mind I am a FIRM believer of that. However I also believe that disagreeing in a discussion is not wasted thoughts I think both parties learn from the differences and we always take something on board even if we don't admit to it, even if we fight our views to the end.

 

That's why I don't adhere to this "you're wrong I'm right business" no one's wrong or right, but I'll tell you this much nothing feels more wrong to oneself than when we reap the outcome of our negative actions. So in essence SC reaps the consecuences of his actions. And what bigger price to pay than your own happiness? because right now it's not about his W's wrong or right doings anymore it REALLY isn't it's about how much he is willing to let her in at the huge price of his personal well being.

[Tomcat33]

Then quit bitching about him venting and how he is on LS!!! .

 

 

I'll quit bitching about his venting if you quit encouraging him to antagonize posters who he sees unfit, for the sole purpose that he needs to pass the pain on to others.

 

 

Ball's in your court.

[whichwayisup]

I haven't encouraged him to antagonize posters, that is your spin on it TC. I encouraged him to VENT about his feelings, which he has done. He has his thread which he vents on, and LS is an open community and if he chooses to vent on other threads, that's fine. IF people don't like it or if someone is offended by it they can always use the alert key or put him on ignore. I don't think he would be doing anything differently either way. I doubt very much I have any influence on him and how he presents himself on LS.

 

Anyway, you see things one way and I see things a different way, that's fine. I'm not playing a game with you so there is no ball.

[hardcase]

Well that is pretty bull***** answer, it doesn't "just happen" and there is always a reason. Would knowing it had nothing to do with you make a difference at all?

 

Nope

 

 

why did she think you knew? Was this a full on A or a sexual fling?

ohh you found out from her friend not her directly?

 

I confronted her about it and and she lied her ass off. Finally she came clean.

 

would you not have married her if you found out then?

 

No...I would have called off the wedding and told her to move out.

[hardcase]

I am starting to think that she what she did didn't bring this out of him' date=' per se. It had to be in there already to be brought out. [/quote']

 

Oh ...nice try there NID...I NEVER use to be this way...this is the reaction of a man who loved his wife...adored her dearly...only to find out she f#cked him over. If you cannot understand that....then hey...what can I say.

[hardcase]

HC/SC, I think your W is not doing her part to earn your trust back. She needs to be honest with you about what happened in the past so that you can learn to trust her again. She also needs to go out of her way to get things back the way they were.

 

Well I have heard from ppl that have gone to counseling that the therapist tells them that things will never be the way they were...and that 100% trust will never happen again...no matter how much someone says they trusted their WS again.

 

As long as you're wondering what she's lied to you about and she's being so self-absorbed that she accuses you of cheating just for going to the gym, I don't see how you can get over this hostility you have.

 

Oh, I've moved past the "what has she lied about"...I know all I need to know. I don't need her to come clean about it...I know she is lying...and I don't need details either.

 

Does your W know how much this has hurt you? I ask because the way you talk about her, it's as though she thinks this is no big deal. Is that how you think she feels? If so, I can see why you'd have a hard time letting go of the hostility. I would too.

 

No...she knows how I feel. And she knows I won't put up with anything less than her acting like a wife and mother.

 

I agree with others that since you chose to stay, you should do your part to forgive her. But why should you be expected to be nearly super human while your W should be forgiven for her mistakes. Why should you do most of the work? I don't agree that it should be 50/50 effort when it comes to one party cheating. The cheater should be putting in 75% or more.

 

I totally agree...but there are ppl here that think I need to be the one to just "get over it".

 

Unfortunately, I don't think you'll be able to get this concept through to your W on your own. I think you need a counselor to do that. Since you're against counseling, I think your W will continue in her self-absorbed behavior and you'll continue to be feel resentment for her. Maybe you can find a way to make her understand this on your own, but it's pretty clear that your current course is not working.

 

As far as her "self absorbed behavior"...it will be damn obvious if that happens...we set a very simple ground rule....no more going out to clubs or bars with her friends. If she slides back into that...then I'll pack her bags for her.

 

And as far as the counseling....I really don't mean to sound negative about it...but really...what is some shrink really going to say to me to make it all better? I don't care "why" she did it and I never will. And if I were to even here a therapist say that I was somehow responsible....thats where it would end.

 

So for anyone that has been to therapy....really...why would it help?

[hardcase]

NID I don't know if I'm a "trooper" but I know pain when I see it. Anger is just another way to mask pain, deep pain. SC really knows how to get under people's skin at times but for some reason I try to understand him, because I can see that he is suffering. You just cannot seperate who you are on here from who you are in reality.

 

Oh...if you were to be a fly on the wall...I think you'd be flabbergasted.

 

And I am certain he is angry at home, I don't need more prove than what I see here.

 

Well then don't ever try to be a psychic....cuz you suck at it!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hardcase has every right to be upset about his situation. For those who's assuming he's such a bad man y'all can shove it up your *ss.

 

This man is in pain and the best thing you can do is blame him for his wife cheating?!?! WTF???????????????????????

 

Some people just cant resist temptation, some people cant be faithful cause they got no sense of loyalty, some people dont know the difference between right and wrong.

 

And you blame HC? he was tricked into marrying someone who wasnt really who he thought she was! and he is pissed!! rightfully so!!!

 

I was in the same exact situation as HC, And I'm riding with him on this one. I dated this girl and I was always hurt by women but you know I really tried with this girl and when we dated I asked her from day freaking 1 did she still have feelings for her ex, based on what she told me about him, she boldfaced said no. And guess what 4 months into our relationship she left me for him.

 

I ask myself questions in my head all the time. If she still had feelings for him why didnt she tell me the truth? It felt like our relationship was built on a lie. I also believe if I knew she still had feelings for him, I would have never had even attempted to have a relationship with her.

 

But I worked through my issues, she's now married and I have moved on. oh she didnt marry the OM, for what's it's worth, he dropped her again the minute after leaving me. lol. But the questions remain.

 

If I knew then what I know now, would I have still taken the same road.

 

Probably not, the relationship was forged with deception and lies. Nice way to build something new as say in marriage? Right HC?

[hardcase]

That's all fine and I can appreciate it may not be time for him yet, but at this rate it may never be long enough for him. I hope we don't read posts from SC a year down the road in then "Second chances" forum that read "I screwed up big time how do I win my W back, she left me and now I realise I could have done more"

 

Nope...that won't happen....but no matter what happens..I will still continue to advise anyone who is young and not married to not even think about entering into marriage with someone they know cheated on them.

I never had the choice...others do and can save themselves from what I am going through.

 

I have been reading a LOT of posts of people on both ends of affairs, not just here on LS but on other sites, and on the side of the BS there is anger, certainly there is anger, fear, resentment, mistrust and all the emotions that go along with being betrayed, but I don't see the level of anger that SC manifests here, he is not well, and he may think he is handling it well by working out or walking out of the room when his W wants to "start something"

 

Well thanks...you just basically told me that I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

 

Hells bells...what the hell am I suppose to do?

 

or that he does not want to fight but ends up in a fight anyway "because she started it and SHE wanted to fight" that's how he kids himself into thinking that he can do no wrong and the CHEATER creates all the problems, well it doesn't s work that way.

 

Sure it does....we wouldn't have this problem if she didn't cheat......DUH!

 

Let me ask you a question TC...are you or are you not a cheater? And if you cheated in the past..then the answer would be yes.

 

So are you or aren't you?

[hardcase]

HE DOESN'T avoid conlfict!!! this whole thread started with him saying that he ended up in a big fight over the gym. If you avoid conflict how do you end up in a fight,

 

Uh...because there are only so many rooms in a house that you can hide...

 

If she follows you until she gets an answer from you...eventually, you cannot avoid it.

 

Fights happen TC...oh...but I'm the bastard here to you.

[hardcase]

Not that anyone really cares but this is what I think.... HC/SC refuses to take a good long look at himself to see what he did to cause his wife to stray. He is perfect. He treats her like a queen. We've all heard that he is such a wonderful husband and father and would give her anything. He doesn't do anything wrong that would cause his wife to seek comfort elsewhere.

 

Yup...its all my fault... I should have broken my back just to keep her from straying....especially when I had no clue it went on whatsoever.

 

Thanks for clearing that up Jinxx...I'm to blame.

[Trialbyfire]

And as far as the counseling....I really don't mean to sound negative about it...but really...what is some shrink really going to say to me to make it all better? I don't care "why" she did it and I never will. And if I were to even here a therapist say that I was somehow responsible....thats where it would end.

 

So for anyone that has been to therapy....really...why would it help?

I can only speak for IC, not MC, but it made me finally let go of all of my anger, hence my ex.

 

I highly recommend it because I didn't think it would help either but after reading so many posts on LS about IC, I decided to try it and found it extremely worthwhile. You also have to be very honest with your IC and state your requirements, without being afraid to state your position or to call them out, if they're offside.

[hardcase]

His wife sought solace previous to marriage. If her needs weren't being met by him, why get married?

 

Good question...I've asked that several times myself.....haven't gotten an answer yet from anyone here.

[whichwayisup]

HC, I know you don't want to, but why not just ask your wife this question? It actually could be a step in the right direction by opening that door a crack, even if it isn't something you wanna hear, atleast she'll be actually talking about it and maybe even owning up to her mistakes....I dunno, but it could be worth a shot.

[hardcase]

Hardcase has every right to be upset about his situation. For those who's assuming he's such a bad man y'all can shove it up your *ss.

 

LOL..I knew you cared man...but damn...LOL...I like it though.

 

This man is in pain and the best thing you can do is blame him for his wife cheating?!?! WTF???????????????????????

 

Well...thats Jinxx for ya...I've come to fully expect it.

[hardcase]

I can only speak for IC, not MC, but it made me finally let go of all of my anger, hence my ex.

 

I highly recommend it because I didn't think it would help either but after reading so many posts on LS about IC, I decided to try it and found it extremely worthwhile. You also have to be very honest with your IC and state your requirements, without being afraid to state your position or to call them out, if they're offside.

 

Actually...I think a polygraph would help me better...that way I could ask questions like..."would you like to hook up with other men right now"....if she says no and its a lie...then adios.

 

I want to be assured she won't do it again...I don't trust her word for it...I want a lie detector test.

[hardcase]

HC, I know you don't want to, but why not just ask your wife this question? It actually could be a step in the right direction by opening that door a crack, even if it isn't something you wanna hear, atleast she'll be actually talking about it and maybe even owning up to her mistakes....I dunno, but it could be worth a shot.

 

well..I really don't want to ask her...cuz I know I'll get a bullshi!t answer as I've gotten in the past.

 

I don't really want to talk about it anymore with her at all...because any mention of it DOES make me angry in front of her. the less I talk about it, the better off I am.

 

And I guess thats what I don't really like about therapy, in addition to people trying to tell me its my fault somehow, is that the more I talk about it, I'm afraid I will get angry.

[Trialbyfire]

Actually...I think a polygraph would help me better...that way I could ask questions like..."would you like to hook up with other men right now"....if she says no and its a lie...then adios.

 

I want to be assured she won't do it again...I don't trust her word for it...I want a lie detector test.

If this will help you, then do it.

 

http://www.polytest.org/States/States.htm

[hardcase]

If this will help you, then do it.

 

http://www.polytest.org/States/States.htm

 

My buddy works for the state police and can administer it.

 

I asked her to take a LDT...she refused. After she refused...I told her that I'd never believe her.

 

Her excuse for not taking it was that she would take it...it would prove her to be not lying, and she'd resent me for making her take it.

 

I say bullshi!t...if I had cheated and didn't want to lose my SO..and I was telling the truth about everything...I'd be happy to take it if it would save my relationship.

[Trialbyfire]

My buddy works for the state police and can administer it.

 

I asked her to take a LDT...she refused. After she refused...I told her that I'd never believe her.

 

Her excuse for not taking it was that she would take it...it would prove her to be not lying, and she'd resent me for making her take it.

 

I say bullshi!t...if I had cheated and didn't want to lose my SO..and I was telling the truth about everything...I'd be happy to take it if it would save my relationship.

BINGO!!

 

She is not meeting your need for reassurance of her continued fidelity even though she has cheated. No wonder you're so angry. I would consider that a deal-breaker. I'm shocked you're still with her but I do recall why.

[Island Girl]

And I guess thats what I don't really like about therapy, in addition to people trying to tell me its my fault somehow, is that the more I talk about it, I'm afraid I will get angry.

 

Maybe you DO need to talk about it -- with your OWN therapist -- who can help you work through the anger to get past it and on to the next step which is healing.

 

You are simmering. It is obvious you are angry and trying to shut that down will not help you, the situation, your relationship, or your kids. It is there. Always there. It colors your words and your actions. Anger and blame are heavy burdens to carry around with you. You and your children are paying a terrible price for her actions because you aren't moving toward any resolution.

[Chrome Barracuda]

LOL..I knew you cared man...but damn...LOL...I like it though.

 

 

 

Well...thats Jinxx for ya...I've come to fully expect it.

 

Lol, i'm just saying I've been where your at and it doesnt feel nice. Is it me or does jynxx has a real self esteem problem? Since when does a person lie down and let someone trample all over them until that person starts fighting back? I mean is jynx so down on her situation that she doesnt see that your wife put you in so much pain and she doesnt even have the heart to apologize for it?

 

is that right? is that fair? When your wrong, your wrong!

[Ladyjane14]

Actually...I think a polygraph would help me better...that way I could ask questions like..."would you like to hook up with other men right now"....if she says no and its a lie...then adios.

 

I want to be assured she won't do it again...I don't trust her word for it...I want a lie detector test.

 

Why are YOU so special that you expect to receive an 'assurance' that NONE of the rest of us mere mortals will ever have?

 

Nobody ever knows for sure what goes on in another person's heart and mind... no matter how well you think you know them. There are NO guarantees for any of us. It doesn't even matter if there's no previous history of infidelity. In fact, if you think about it, right up to the point when a betrayed spouse discovers an infidelity... there was none.

 

You've said many times before that YOU will never cheat. But you can't be INSIDE anyone else's head 24/7 and control their choices. All you can do is to respond to another person's actions with choices of your own.

 

 

I asked her to take a LDT...she refused. After she refused...I told her that I'd never believe her.

 

Her excuse for not taking it was that she would take it...it would prove her to be not lying, and she'd resent me for making her take it.

 

I say bullshi!t...if I had cheated and didn't want to lose my SO..and I was telling the truth about everything...I'd be happy to take it if it would save my relationship.

 

In her place... I'd refuse it too.

It's offensive. If my spouse needs a lie detector test in order to take my word, I don't WANT him anymore. If he's going to try to FORCE me down the path of resentment, all I can do at that point is step off the beaten path.

 

You know, there are WORSE things than infidelity. IMHO, nurturing hatred and bitterness is one of them. I wouldn't voluntarily allow someone to put me in that position.

 

You might feel like you have your wife buffaloed, HC.... that she doesn't realize how negative your feelings for her have become. And that's probably true to some extent. But, this IS emotional distancing, and on some level, she's gonna feel it in her heart that something's not right. You're denying her what was promised... to "love and cherish".

 

She'll only have two choices once she comes to a full waking realization of what your true feelings are. The wise choice would be to leave you. The alternative would be to continue trying to make the best of a bad job.

 

People can't change the past. And to be honest if we're still talking about an incident that preceded the marriage... I can't agree that fidelity is strictly owed to a partner until after the vows are spoken. This might just be one woman's opinion... but I find 'marriage to be a more formal agreement, a sacrament, the difference between a handshake and a contract. That's why it's called "marriage" and not "dating".

 

So, while I'd agree that it's not nice for people to renege on their "handshake"... I can't subscribe to holding somebody's feet to the fire for the rest of their natural life over it. I'm not saying this to minimize your feelings on the issue... but rather to illustrate that I take those VOWS seriously. If memory serves... in your case, they hadn't been made yet.

 

Anyway, you're not the only person ever, who in hindsight... regretted their choice of partner. The difference is that NOW you probably feel like you have a better excuse than most. Honestly though... if this "venting" you do here at LS is what's really lurking in your heart, then your vows are BROKEN. You ain't exactly lovin' and cherishin'.

[Jinxx]

Also, she did not seek solace within the marriage, therefore, she wasn't unhappy with him.

 

According to him she did..... only he can't "prove it" because she won't take a lie detecter test that he requested her to do. But because she refuses to take the test then that's the nail in her coffin that she did cheat during marriage.