Starting LDR with Communication+Committment Problems

[KatM]

Next week my bf of nearly 2 years will be graduating and moving 300 miles back to his home city. I will graduate in May of 2008 and we have tentatively agreed that I will move to where he is. I don't have a problem with the city; it's a great city with many career opportunities. My concern is that our communication skills aren't great. In addition, this guy gets scared off whenever I try to plan anything that's more than a couple of months in the future.

 

Twice in our 2 years I brought up the future. The times I brought it up it was not in any way pressuring. He made comments that concerned me because he seemed to feel very differently about things that were important to me (things like children). I thought it was fair to ask those questions, but he felt hounded (which I understand, those questions are loaded however you ask them). He told me that he wasn't ready to think about those things, and that when he did think about them he wanted it to be because he was ready and not because he was pressured. Honestly it sounded fair, just a little bit hurtful.

 

When he decided to move back to his hometown to look for a job, I asked how we would handle the distance and he told me that we would "cross that bridge when we come to it." It was back in February that I wanted to start thinking about what we would do about the distance. At some later point I made a comment assuming I would be moving with him once I graduated. Again he made the bridge comment.

 

As we've dated he's made it clear that he doesn't want to break up, so I really don't believe that this is a passive way for him to end the relationship. In one of my upset moments, when he was avoiding very fair discussions I wanted to have, I told him that I didn't want to turn around in 5 years and find my life to be the opposite of what I wanted. He told me that he really didn't think that that was going to happen.

 

Ok, so... I believe that he's serious about the relationship but I'm concerned that he doesn't want to talk about anything. The two times that I've brought it up he said that he felt really scared and the conversations weren't productive.

 

We're both 24-25. I realize that we're young and that it's normal for him to be nervous, but it feels really unfair to me for him to expect that he can run off wherever for however long and that I'll be there waiting without any promises at all. I'm not looking to get married for probably 2-3 years, so it's not like this is some immediate thing. I just think it's unfair for him to expect me to hang out in this relationship not knowing some very important (and dealbreaking) things.

 

At this point I'm rethinking moving to him next year. I think he needs time to grow up and figure out what he wants, and I don't think it's fair to expect me to change my whole world if he's not sure what he wants. I'm just very confused. I love him very much, otherwise the relationship is good, and I don't know if I'm being fair here. How have other people communication issues over the distance? At this point I'm just hoping that the distance will serve as a wake up to him (when I'm not there all the time doing nice things for him). But I'm not holding out too much hope. I'm starting to think that in a few years we'll break up because he'll be stuck at the same place with no change in sight.

 

as a PS, an example of how terrified he was of committment. The other night we were talking online as I watched gilmore girls. one character proposed to his girlfriend in front of her entire family and she wasn't sure if she wanted to get married yet. she asked to speak to him outside. without thinking, i commented on it in our conversation (he knows how much I like to watch gilmore girls, this isn't the first time i've said something about it to him). within two seconds of me mentioning what happened, he said "i see. gotta go." and then he signed off immediately. Partly I thought it was funny and partly I wanted to cry from frustration.

[Poboy]

firstly , since you both are fairly young and talks about children and stuff can scare the guys big time. he is just going into the job thing and that must be his priority now . you guys have a long way to reach the stage of marriage and children as you too i hope would be going out on the job route and settling down financially first ? so if you can the avoid the big questions for now , that will help....

 

i think your first priority is to chart out how you two are going to handle the LDR. has he already moved ? you two need to discuss the realtionship cause LDR is a different game initself. work it out with him and let him get started in the job thing. once he starts getting experience and by the time you move near him , he will start to realise as and when the time comes. dont put too much pressure and work on the LDR .

[DOA]

I don't think it is unfair or unreasonable for you to be asking serious questions like this at all! After all, uprooting yourself and moving for someone, adjusting to a whole new life in a different place is a HUGE thing, and so you only have a basic right to know where you stand right now in your relationship!

 

I agree that you need to find out what he's thinking and demand that he give you more of an answer than "we'll cross that bridge later". He sounds like he just keeps putting it off or procrastinating. If he doesn't want to talk about it, don't move. There's too much ambiguity to change your entire life at this point for someone who is too confused and unsure about his own life at the price of your own.