I hate jealousy!! How do you get past it?

[happygirl70]

My dh has never done anything to make me think he would ever actually cheat on me. But, there are things that come up that really bother me and I feel I'm being such a jerk for even being upset about it. For one thing, he is extremely gullible and has NO clue when someone likes him...he's always been that way. (BTW, we have been married for 13 years and dated for 7 and he only ever saw other people while we were on a break back in college). I am pregnant with our second child at the moment and so this is an extremely touchy time for me. He and my son have been sick on and off with allergies, virus, colds, since the new year rolled around and so his mood and his sex drive have been sporadic. I KNOW he isn't sleeping around, I really think something would have to terribly go wrong between us before he'd do that, but I often wonder if he 'wants' to. I ask... I HATE when I ask and he always says NO. It has gotten to where he gets really p.o.'d when I ask so I try really hard to keep my mouth shut and try to realize that I am just hounding this poor guy to death and he probably feels like crap because I'm accusing him all the time, but I just want reassurance... not that I really think he wants someone else (why can't he just hug me and say NO... life would be so much easier). He does like to look on the net at boobs, etc, and I've gotten over that for the most part... still not my favorite thing cause I still feel kinda compared, but I know I turn him on and he still wants me, but it tweaks at that deep insecurity I have.

 

So, today I'm poking around in his email.... DON'T say it cause I know that is just self-torture and something I have to break myself of because I never find anything bad in there. Today he got an email from a girl he used to work with. I know they correspond and I have always been ok with that, but I feel she is one of those that he was and is gullible about. He even told me the other day that he emailed her about the baby, so he isn't hiding anything. I think she has a thing for him, even though she is married and he worked with both she and her husband. At any rate he was telling her about the baby and how it was basically "holiday sex", implying that he doesn't get good sex on a regular basis... which he does and would get more if I had something to do about it... but his illnesses etc have lessened the amount of sex we are having. I do NOT need this chic thinking there is a weak link! The emails were very tame and really just general about him thinking of going back to the firm they were all working at and general discussion about the people they worked with, etc. She made a comment about the massages he used to give her and how she missed them.... he replied that he missed giving them to her... I truly know this meant nothing, but I'm still annoyed by it. We have had the discussion, since he no longer works with this particular woman, that I consider massages completely inappropriate and I think he now gets that I'm not ok with that... but that is beside the point. I know this email thing is silly on my part and I know nothing will even happen because they are just joking (at least he is) but it still gets under my skin.

 

I need to find a way to not get hyped up over stuff like this. I know it is mundane and means nothing. I know my husband is a faithful, devoted man. He loves me, he is attracted to me, we are best friends. He will tell anyone that we are soul mates. I'm just feeling needy and I'm only halfway through this pregnancy. How do I gain reassurance without pestering this poor guy to death? How can I keep myself together when I am being irrational... and I can see that... but the feelings are still bubbling in there? I know I need to get over it! Truly I know it!! I'm just not doing so good at it!

[Guest]

Explain that you're feeling very insecure right now. Blame it on hormones or what have you, because chances are, it has a LOT to do with hormones anyway...ask your Hubby to lay it on "extra thick" for awhile, because you're feeling not so good about yourself. Make it all about you, though, not anything he's doing or how he's acting, so he sees it as more of a request for help rather than an attack on him. If you tell him he's not doing this or saying that, he'll be more likely to go into defense mode, whereas if you tell him YOU need HIS help to feel better about yourself, because the hormones are messing with your brain, he'll likely empathize with you and want to do whatever it takes to help you, his loving wifey, out of your slump. Hope this helps. And good luck w/ the baby!

 

Oh and BTW I don't like the fact that he was giving other women massages- that's just weird and seems very inappropriate to me. But then, that's me.

[littlepiggy1]

I think you just have to be straight with him: that you are pregnant, your hormones are being all wonky, your body image isn't so hot (gaining weight and all) and you just need some extra lovin'. If he doesn't get that, then he is truly dense.

 

The other thing that stuck out was the bit about the massages. Now unless he works as a masseuse, it strikes me as being highly inappropriate to give massages to other women--coworker or no. It's your call on what you consider appropriate, but that's just my 2 cents.

[megnog]

i don't want to make you more nervous but the massages kind of stick out to me. its over now and he realizes that it bothers you.. but shouldn't he have to begin with? and why was he saying "yeah i miss giving them to you" ??? whats up with that.

 

okay so you know hes not cheating with you and you know he is devoted - so stop worrying. maybe if you want to counter the massages you could say "how about giving me one of your world class massages?"

 

maybe he likes to please and he feels good about himself doing things like this. maybe i'm just talking out of my a** because you don't really care about the massages thing, but i'm just commenting on it.

 

anyway, i'd agree with littlepiggy about just telling him whats going on. from that point, he needs to turn on the charm and realize what stress you are going through. its natural to feel these things when your pregnant (i'm sure) and its just a phase.

 

try not to go through his e-mail, it IS torture. i think the only justified reason would be if you suspect he is cheating, because then you can find proof. but it seems like right now you are just looking for stuff to get mad about...stay away from that.

 

hope ANY of that helped, i realize i didn't really give any solid advice

[happygirl70]

I think you just have to be straight with him: that you are pregnant, your hormones are being all wonky, your body image isn't so hot (gaining weight and all) and you just need some extra lovin'. If he doesn't get that, then he is truly dense.

 

The other thing that stuck out was the bit about the massages. Now unless he works as a masseuse, it strikes me as being highly inappropriate to give massages to other women--coworker or no. It's your call on what you consider appropriate, but that's just my 2 cents.

 

Yea, I informed him quite well that massages are not appropriate. I think he really thought it was ok, but now he KNOWS better.

[kittensmittens]

happygirl, I know exactly how you feel. Though I'm not pregnant, my hormones go off the charts every month and it makes me a bigger mess than I am the rest of the time. It's extremelly frustrating and I still haven't found a dr. to help me with that one (but I'm working on it).

 

I know how it is when you KNOW you have nothing to be worried about and you're worried anyway. Also very frustrating--for ALL involved. You just want to flip the off switch and you can't seem to do it. But one thing I finally realized....really realized.....is that asking him questions like "do you want to cheat" are going to drive him so batty that he may actually start to want those things. Realizing this is what has helped me put the brakes on questions like that. He's going to feel like there's no reward in being a "good" husband and, as a result, might start thinking along the lines of "well if I'm going to get accused of it no matter what I do......then why the hell not??".

 

I also realized that I was making sure everyone else was more attractive to him. He probably doesn't want to be with that girl in the emails, or any other girl. But when the one you are with is constantly blaming, accusing and controlling, almost anyone seems more appealing. Someone else is going to seem like relief from all of that.

 

I, myself, am not out of the woods yet. You feel genuinely like there is not control, but there is. You just have to tell yourself these things constantly. You have to weigh the results of your actions against each other....being "well behaved" vs. freaking out all the time and what each one is going to accomplish.

 

I agree with the others that you should tell him what's going on, how you're feeling, and that you need a little emotional TLC right now (and maybe some physical too!). Just be careful though....reassurance can be a slippery slope. I realize now that I came to depend solely on my bf's reassurance for my self-esteem and sanity, so eventually the more he gave, the more I needed.

 

I hope I don't sound preachy or anything! I just understand exactly how you feel and this logic is what has helped me at least a little bit. Hope some of it helps you too!

[happygirl70]

Thanks kittensmittens,

 

I have read a few of your posts and you do "ring" of some of my issues....sorry you deal with these crazy emotions too. I KNOW all the things you say are true and in the "light of day", when all is well, they make perfect sense and the world is good again. Just those crazy moments when things get knocked out of whack that make me wonder.

 

I suppose there are lots of things behind this idea that I have to be "careful". I know that there is no way to be prepared if things blow up, so I don't know why I bother, I'll be just as devastated whether I worry constantly or not, so why do I waste the energy. You cannot control someone and if he wanted to do anything he could. My best friend has been dealing with a cheating husband for 14+ years and is just now getting out of the relationship, so I've watched this go on in her life and I DON'T want to be her! But, my dh is nothing like her's... but I guess it plants the seed in my head to be careful and not stupid. It doesn't help that my dh has this weird temperment where he is all over me one day and then the next he just wants to basically be left alone. He knows he does this and that it makes me crazy, but he says he can't help it. So, I suppose the mixed signals cause me more problems than anything...I never know. He's always nice, but some days he is touchy-feeling and others he is absolutely not.

 

And, I know he doesn't want the email chic and I know his comments to her don't mean anything, but I my issue is that maybe she thinks they do. She lives many states away now so I don't have to worry about her showing up or anything and she seems content with her husband always saying what they are doing for the weekend and whatnot, so maybe I read to much into stuff. But, you are right about things being easier with someone else if I continue to bug him about stuff. We've even had that discussion, not recently but over the last year or so and it has actually helped me to discuss some of these things openly with him... I just tread lightly so I'm not being a drama queen. I talked to him about "other women" and how they seem so appealing because they don't have to worry about the house, the kids, the car, the groceries... you don't have to see them when they are "hormonally challenged" so everything can "seem" so much better on that side of a relationship, but eventually life will show up and things won't be so rosey (I think some people forget this in the excitement of new relationships). He said he totally knew that and that his life was full enough without adding anything to it.

 

I am really good to him most of the time and I try really hard not to bring up my issues too much, but sometimes they get the best of me. I'll try to keep them on lockdown since I know I'm not dealing with a cheater... why waste so much energy when I could be spending it trying to make life better for all of us... doesn't make sense.

 

Thanks again!

[happygirl70]

i don't want to make you more nervous but the massages kind of stick out to me. its over now and he realizes that it bothers you.. but shouldn't he have to begin with? and why was he saying "yeah i miss giving them to you" ??? whats up with that.

 

okay so you know hes not cheating with you and you know he is devoted - so stop worrying. maybe if you want to counter the massages you could say "how about giving me one of your world class massages?"

 

maybe he likes to please and he feels good about himself doing things like this. maybe i'm just talking out of my a** because you don't really care about the massages thing, but i'm just commenting on it.

 

anyway, i'd agree with littlepiggy about just telling him whats going on. from that point, he needs to turn on the charm and realize what stress you are going through. its natural to feel these things when your pregnant (i'm sure) and its just a phase.

 

try not to go through his e-mail, it IS torture. i think the only justified reason would be if you suspect he is cheating, because then you can find proof. but it seems like right now you are just looking for stuff to get mad about...stay away from that.

 

hope ANY of that helped, i realize i didn't really give any solid advice

 

My sweet dh is gullible and he just thinks about being nice all the time. I truly don't think he even thought someone would read massages the wrong way... but now he knows.

 

I'm going to make a huge effort to stay out of his email, it is going to be tough! But I know it doesn't make good sense to continue to do something that just makes me feel bad when I could use the energy to do things that let him know I'm here for him and make life better... much better use of the energy and no downside.