fiance now barely a friend

[shawn57187]

Ive been dating the same girl for three years and we had gotten engaged. She moved from the UK to be with me and we got an apartment together right away. Soon after she got here, she got severe depression and an old eating disorder re-emerged making her sleep all day, isolate, and not help in the daily domestic things. Her performance in school suffered and she began saying that she might fail out and and go home. I felt so bad.. While I supported her strongly for many months, since I was in my final year of my graduate degree, I could not always be there and began to distance myself so I could get by with my school. The emotional stuff was bringing me down and I began worrying about my own ability to stay in school.

 

Almost a year after she had been here, she had gotten in treatment for her eating disorder and depression and decided she needed to move out to get her own friends (not mine) and her own place. We agreed and I helped her get an apartment and moved her stuff into it for her. We decided to take a break for a couple weeks to reflect and then would date again and work on the problems now having the benefit of hindsight. In the last week before she left, while we were on "break", she caught me flirting with a girl on the phone. Nothing came of it, but she was upset with me and we reconciled it - this is the closest i have come to infidelity with her.

 

Three weeks later, I found my calls to her not being returned. She had made new friends and was being distant. I finally got to meet with her on a sunday and she acted coldly. I proposed we date again as planned as i had some revelations about the problems we had and she said she would email me about it...which when i got it, basically said no. I wrote her back saying how much i love her and she said she would consider it. On tuesday, she was still being distant so i came to her apartment with flowers and said I loved her and i wanted things to work and that i was sorry if i had done anything to hurt her. She said no and after i cried (i never cried much in front of her) she finally said she would consider it and kissed me goodbye a couple of times.

 

On thursday I met with her again and she said no. And told me she only considered it because she was tired and wanted me to leave. She even questioned if she ever loved me. Harsh as it was I wasnt mad and i tried to learn what i had done wrong. I guess the girl incident on the phone plus the fact that i distanced myself from her problems had made her angry and she had "gotten over" me during the three weeks. It was a huge shock to me because most of the things she was angry about she had never told me before! I had no idea..

 

Now she says she is numb and has no feelings, but I can still see them. I told her i want her in my life, even as a friend, and have been trying to give her space but keep in contact. When we talk, we still lean on each other and hug. I can even make her laugh now and then. But she says we cant date, it wont work, and i can see resentment in her. I dont know what is going to happen, but I love her so much. Should i give her more space? Keep trying to maintain contact? I'm hoping she can just be angry with me and then we can work past it. I really need advice!

[randuff]

I have been posting recently about my fiance and I splitting up after 4 years and it ended pretty sudden too.

 

She was probably ready to leave before you guys took the break. Probably ready when she started suffering from her eating disorder or when she moved to the UK to be there with you.

 

Don't beat yourself up and think that the flirting on the phone was a cause of this because I bet you this wasn't the case. People fall in and out of love, my fiance did so with me. She still loves me she says but she isn't in love with me anymore.

 

I had to put it to myself this way. She wants to be friends but is that what I truly want? Can I actually act as friend and listen to her problems about guys or hear her talk about this date or that date and not have it just rip my heart out. I can't do that to myself and won't. It will just prolong your pain if you hold on to the past and not let it go.

 

What would your best friend do if he knew you were upset? Would he take you out to go have some fun and get your mind off things? Do that for yourself. You are your best friend. Take care of yourself right now. Keep busy with school and move on. I know the pain can be unbearable but really you and I will be fine. It just takes time.

 

I am not only saying this for you but for myself as well. It is hard for me everyday not being with her next to me. Take it one day at a time and one day we will wake up and realize that "she" doesn't need to be in our lives to make us happy.

 

Keep posting here with your feelings. Great people will respond with ways to cope and offer solutions for help. I have been on here daily since the split and it has helped me realize my situation and grasp hold of it in a more mature manner. Trust me you are not the only one going through this right now.

 

Good luck!

 

R

[InvisibleTouch]

Eating Disorder! Depression! Unable to relate!

 

These are three very large red flags that you are choosing to tolerate.

 

Despite what you feel for her, this girl unfortunately has very low self esteem as result of something in her past. You cant fix her. She cant fix herself. She doesn't love you cos she cant love you. She cant love anyone. Love to her means something you cant comprehend. Move on with NC and get out of there.