blindsided

[michael's_pain]

First of all, thank you to each person who reads this. I need friends and support right now and from reading other posts I know I can find it here.

 

My story is like many others. I met my wife in graduate school, we fell in love hard and fast and were married 2 years later. We moved our lives from NY to DC, and began careers. She changed her career two years into the marriage, taking a 75 percent pay cut to teach piano -- which she could do because she had my financial and emotional backing.

 

Also, I did everything around the house -- cooked, cleaned, laundry, etc -- because she thought those things were beneath her.

 

She had been sexually assaulted before we met, and we went through systematic desensitization to get through that and have some semblance of a sex life. Well, then we tried to have a family and battled massive infertility for four years with no success. In August 06, we were told we would never have biological children and so we mourned that in our own ways. We started the adoption process and then, less than one month ago, she stopped it, saying she had real concerns with our marriage and my understanding of her. Said we were different people and I didn't respect her career. Said she didn't want to give up her stuff for us. We've been having this conversation for the last few weeks, and then it happened...she slept with a co-worker of hers on Monday and I found out last night.

 

I'm devastated. Everyone I talk to tells me how wrong she is, but that's little salve to my ache. I contacted an attorney this morning, and last night she said she doesn't see the point in marriage counseling.

 

OK, group -- HELP me work through this!

[Ladyjane14]

We started the adoption process and then, less than one month ago, she stopped it, saying she had real concerns with our marriage and my understanding of her. Said we were different people and I didn't respect her career. Said she didn't want to give up her stuff for us. We've been having this conversation for the last few weeks, and then it happened...she slept with a co-worker of hers on Monday and I found out last night.

 

Just based on your post... I'd say she's been involved with this co-worker since around the time her attitude toward you changed so completely. There's a possibility this wasn't a one and off.

 

If it was me... I'd "open the cage door".

When you chase... they tend to RUN. But when you back off and allow them to understand they might REALLY be losing you, sometimes that knowledge will poke a hole in the fantasy bubble.

 

Frankly, it sounds like this chick comes with quite a bit of emotional baggage. I don't think she'll have an easy time maintaining relationships with other people and have them put up with as much crap from her.

 

Btw... this is your golden opportunity to cut your losses and move on. Give some thought as to what YOU want in your life. You might just decide you're better off without her. Usually it takes about three weeks to make a good decision on something like this. The knee-jerk reaction is to try to fix it ASAP, But if you give yourself a little time, remaining noncommittal, you might find yourself in a better position to assess your own truest wants and needs.

[Great Gazoo]

First of all, thank you to each person who reads this. I need friends and support right now and from reading other posts I know I can find it here.

 

My story is like many others. I met my wife in graduate school, we fell in love hard and fast and were married 2 years later. We moved our lives from NY to DC, and began careers. She changed her career two years into the marriage, taking a 75 percent pay cut to teach piano -- which she could do because she had my financial and emotional backing.

 

Also, I did everything around the house -- cooked, cleaned, laundry, etc -- because she thought those things were beneath her.

 

She had been sexually assaulted before we met, and we went through systematic desensitization to get through that and have some semblance of a sex life. Well, then we tried to have a family and battled massive infertility for four years with no success. In August 06, we were told we would never have biological children and so we mourned that in our own ways. We started the adoption process and then, less than one month ago, she stopped it, saying she had real concerns with our marriage and my understanding of her. Said we were different people and I didn't respect her career. Said she didn't want to give up her stuff for us. We've been having this conversation for the last few weeks, and then it happened...she slept with a co-worker of hers on Monday and I found out last night.

 

I'm devastated. Everyone I talk to tells me how wrong she is, but that's little salve to my ache. I contacted an attorney this morning, and last night she said she doesn't see the point in marriage counseling.

 

OK, group -- HELP me work through this!

 

 

I am sorry, I know this must be very hard on you, I have alot of similarities with you and reading your post just freaked me out because it is what I fear the most.

 

We have been going through infertility problems and still are plus we had 2 miscarriages and a still born and its has changed my wife and the dynamics of the whole marriage. It is something very difficult to live through and it is very hard on a marriage. My wife also has a co worker that to me seems a little too friendly.

 

I wish I had some answers for you but I really don't and for most unless they have gone through infertility issues have no idea what it is all about. All the pain and suffering that a marriage goes through. Never mind about the emotional issues she already has from the sexual assault she went through before. I feel for ya.

[Woggle]

Divorce her and move on. Why do you even want a woman like this?

[michael's_pain]

Jane, you're right -- knee jerk is to fix and repair because of fear of the unknown. We just spoke again and it sounds like her music career is her main passion, and everything else is secondary and therefore not a priority. She does have a ton of baggage and I guess I'm simply comfortable with it and used to it. I will take the requisite time and talk to people who have known me best for a long while and work through things.

 

Gazoo, what I can tell you is, GET COUNSELING NOW. I wish I had done so when we were not able to have sex with each other because of her assault. But we kept fixing things on our own, only they weren't permanent fixes. It was duct tape on a crack in a huge damn...it slowed the trickle but has burst. Infertility is a bitch, and it's a death each time -- and we all know the stats on the number of couples that survive deaths in the family.

 

Woggle, that's why I came here. To get the unvarnished opinions of those who have also been through this. I love your candor!

[Woggle]

I have dealt with a cheater before and the most thing to do is leave her. Wasting your time with her might keep you from meeting a woman who treats you how you should be treated. If I stayed with my 1st wife after her cheating I would have never met my current wife and I would have dealt with even more drama. Even if you manage to save the marriage for now there is much more drama down the road so get this load off your back.

[michael's_pain]

Pardon my ignorance, but what are the steps to divorcing and moving on? I'm so new to all of this that I can't begin to think about what to do first...

[Woggle]

Pardon my ignorance' date=' but what are the steps to divorcing and moving on? I'm so new to all of this that I can't begin to think about what to do first...[/quote']

 

This monday contact a lawyer and get your legal ducks in a row then serve her with papers.

[Craig]

This monday contact a lawyer and get your legal ducks in a row then serve her with papers.

 

...also get into some individual counseling asap, I see some issues that you have that resulted in you doing all the things around the house--cooked, cleaned, laundry, etc because your SO thought those were beneath her AND even being with a woman with the issues that your soon to be ex wife has.

 

This weekend spend time reading about divorce and moving on here at LS. Post often, usually you'll get a reply pretty quickly.

 

Take care of yourself first. Good food, enough sleep if that is possible right now and begin to prepare yourself mentally for your soon to be ex wife wanting to come back to you after she finds out the grass isn't greener with the OM.

[michael's_pain]

we're living in the same house and ignoring each other. she's using the guest room and bathroom and just living her life around me. for my part, i'm hurt and angry and am torn between trying to get couples counseling or simply calling it quits. And what you're telling me is, call it quits. This feels very hard to do...

[geneboy73]

I'd take you for a beer if I could...

 

Mike, my wife and I are pretty much going to be done. She hasn't cheated physically, but she has EMOTIONALLY and she would have gone all the way pretty soon. She admits to thinking about it and being interested in other people for the past 6 months.

 

I will let her separate and then we will probably end up becoming divorced. I have a feeling she will regret this and come back after a few dates, but I will probably be gone by them.

 

I feel for you brother. Read up. Learn and take care of YOU. I have been doing that and it still feels like I am dying right now. Some time apart will be good for my mind and I will be able to focus on me.

 

You and I are in the same place. I was the housekeeper and her guardian. I did everything and when one thing was left undone or not to her satisfaction, it was my azz on the line. So, I know how you feel. Stop doing anything unless it is for YOUR benefit.

 

Take a walk, look at the pretty girls and think that someday soon you may be in the arms of someone who cares for you the way you need them to. That's how I feel. When we started to get rough, I noticed every time a pretty girl smiled at me and I noticed flirting women around my workplace and realized that there are others out there for me. The tough thing is getting out of this rut for us right now. Once she is out of my place (and yours) I am suggesting that we both hit the dating websites and build up some confidence and go out on a few innocent dates. I know we will probably be thinking about our STBX but it will be a good thing.

 

Hey, that sounds like a good thread! Maybe I will start it!!!!

[Craig]

...for my part' date=' i'm hurt and angry and am torn between trying to get couples counseling or simply calling it quits. And what you're telling me is, call it quits. This feels very hard to do...[/quote']

 

Of course it feels very hard to do because you have defined yourself by being her rescuer/slave/whipping boy/maid/strength/shoulder to lean on...etc. So in a sense perhaps you might feel less than whole without her maybe?

 

She treats you like a maid/slave, refuses to make a financial contribution to the household that you were led to believe that she would be making, sex with her is not your idea of satisfactory and then she's f*cking a co-worker on the side.

 

My guess is that she is in a fantasy world of her own right now and this is you golden opportunity to get out with minimal damage to your finances and etc.

 

Are you going to wash her semen stained underwear and pretend there's nothing wrong? Are you going to cook her meals and leave them at the end of the hallway for her to get when you're out of sight? Are you going to continue to support her financially so that she can spend community money on her f*ck buddy?

 

If you're smart you'll take the pain and get out of the marriage now. Get her an apartment. Don't go moving out of the community house, talk to an attorney yes but don't go fighting too much on principle because that'll just eat away at the assets you have.

[michael's_pain]

what if I lack the assets to get her an apartment?

[sumdude]

It's time to get to work on yourself. Get busy... REALLY BUSY. Keep yourself occupied with goals to reach in your life for yourself that can happen regardless of your marital situation.Time to get selfish and self interested. It's gonna hurt ... kind of like going to the dentist. You know it's gonna hurt but you have to get that work done or it just gets worse.

 

You know I went through a very similar situation. My soon to be ex was molested when young. We had fertility issues and i fell into a bad drinking pattern. Of course she, like most wayward spouses .. blamed all the relationship ills on me. In some ways at least she had the decency to move out.

 

You are at the crossroads of either trying to save this drowning thing of a marriage or save yourself. Always have to save yourself first! Maybe there's hope for the marriage... maybe ... but unless you're in shape to tackle it there's just no way. Be firm with her. If she does not end it right now with the other guy tell her she's out on her own. Your state may have some separation thing where spousal support is required. That all depends on your situation. Since she does work then you may not be responsible for much if anything. She is breaking the marriage and her life is now HER responsibility.

 

Let her go.....

 

Oh yeah .. and that thing about her ending the adoption... i would bet that's about the same time things started heating up with the OM.

[Craig]

what if I lack the assets to get her an apartment?

 

If you own your home I'd strongly recommend that you do not move out. She cheated, she doesn't want to work on the marriage--she gets to move out.

 

If you are renting then it's time to get separate places and that could mean downsizing but it would only be temporary as I'm sure you'll do great without her to weigh you down and as you make progress in your IC.

[Great Gazoo]

Jane, you're right -- knee jerk is to fix and repair because of fear of the unknown. We just spoke again and it sounds like her music career is her main passion, and everything else is secondary and therefore not a priority. She does have a ton of baggage and I guess I'm simply comfortable with it and used to it. I will take the requisite time and talk to people who have known me best for a long while and work through things.

 

Gazoo, what I can tell you is, GET COUNSELING NOW. I wish I had done so when we were not able to have sex with each other because of her assault. But we kept fixing things on our own, only they weren't permanent fixes. It was duct tape on a crack in a huge damn...it slowed the trickle but has burst. Infertility is a bitch, and it's a death each time -- and we all know the stats on the number of couples that survive deaths in the family.

 

Woggle, that's why I came here. To get the unvarnished opinions of those who have also been through this. I love your candor!

 

I don't really think counseling would help that much at this point, the damage has been done, life happened and things changed. I really don't think she would cheat on me. I know at some point we should make some decisions instead of waiting for things to work themselves out.

 

I know of another couple that separated for a couple months during the adoption process. She ended up moving back in with her parents and she had some kind of fling with a local single guy but how far it actually went I never really found out. They ended up working their problems out and within a month after they were off to another country to pick up their new baby and almost 2 years later they are still happily together. It turns out there was some issues in the adoption and when she thought she was not going to adopt it pushed her over the edge.

 

I feel bad for ya and I have sympathy for your wife, I know how hard some of this must have been on her, I have seen it on my own wife but I am not trying to make excuses for her. It sounds like she also has some other issues which she should have got help for and if she does not want any counseling then its her choice and you have little options left but to look after yourself.

[RecordProducer]

What hurts about divorces is that you love somebody and they betrayed you in some way. You hear you made mistakes, but they don't admit their own mistakes. You want to work things out, but they don't. You're angry that they let you down; yet you want them back. Every time we face an oncoming divorce, it sounds like a bad joke. For some reason, it's usually the one who didn't want to involve any effort in the relationship that wants you out of their life. That happens for a reason: people who abandon marriages pretty early are those who don't have the capacity to work on the relationship. They want everything to be their way or the highway.

 

We always see the relationship as ours, but it's not - it's mine and his, yours and hers. She sees it differently from you. She knows what's inside her and you only know what's inside you. You feel love, understanding, and a lot of potential to improve the marriage, to endure the pain, to find solutions... But she doesn't feel any of it. She only feels stuck and wants out. This is not about you. This is about her. No one will convince me that any marriage is doomed before we try to fix it. There are a lot of options that people can engage in to make this complex institution function. But they are lazy, they don't want to work on themselves. And you think you will teach them how to become more responsible and reasonable. She takes the line of least resistence with her career, house chores, infidelity, maternity (she backed off about the adoption, right?) and nothing you say or do will make her put effort. She is not running away from you, she is running away from herself - from the things that she can't deal with. There are no problems that can't be dealt with - there are only people who can't deal with them.

 

When you think that you have some control over things, you suffer, because you have the urge to change something. Understand that you have no control over this and you can only accept the reality, no matter how cruel it is. The reality is: you will get over her. It will take some time, but you WILL be happy again. You'll re-marry and have a child with somebody else. And years from now, you will be thinking "Thank God she left me."

 

Right now, your problem is that you suffer emotionally facing a divorce and your goal should be to endure the pain, keep the faith, and keep in mind that your suffering will come to an end some day, sooner than you think. Good luck and keep your chin up!

[Ladyjane14]

She does have a ton of baggage and I guess I'm simply comfortable with it and used to it. I will take the requisite time and talk to people who have known me best for a long while and work through things.

 

I posted to Gene yesterday that he should consider making a couple of lists. One, would be a list of which of his emotional needs are fulfilled by his wife as a unique and individual person. The other would be a list of his needs which are fulfilled by the relationship/lifestyle.

 

I think SEEING it in black and white, written in your own hand... will tell you a few things.

 

Yeah, it sucks to be in love with someone who's rejecting you like this.

There's no way around that. The emotions have to be dealt with. But... I think it helps if you can see some light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Without a proactive stance though, without 'getting into the driver's seat of YOUR life'.... that light is usually THE TRAIN!

So bear that in mind, then... slide in behind the wheel, and start thinking about where YOU want to go in life rather than about what other people want.

[ilmw]

Great posts RP and Lj

 

Its so true... what Lj said.. you have to take control of YOU. It can be hard to think (well it felt at first for me as being self centred.. and selfish) but it is probably the best way to heal yourself.. and get some self identity.. back.

 

You must feel good about yourself...do things for yourself.. pamper you.

 

This is one of the first things that was suggested to me.. when I came on LS. I did this.. and it did help. Simple things.. like a new Hot shirt... or... a DVD you put off buying for years.. Geeesh.. my collection is twice the size it used to be.... I also started being a little more experimental in the kitchen... and now.. I love Indian .. and Thai food.. (self made)

 

Doing things.. like the cooking thing made me get it into my head... that there is nothing I can't do.. because when I put my mind to it.... I can do anything.. and do it good.

 

Good place to be... right.?

 

So if you are not doing this.. try it.. you might be happily surprised.

ilmw

[Darth Vader]

When your wife was blaming you for stuff, that was a way to justify herself to have sex with OM. She wanted to do it, she did it, don't be surprised if this has been going on for a long time. Stop doing stuff for her, and lose her. I hope she didn't do this in your own home.

[michael's_pain]

RecordProducer, your words are very kind and inspiring. And your point about her running is echoed by friends and family...even her family. She's an Olympic sprinter from all of life's responsibilities.

 

Jane, I made the list and the column of needs SHE fulfills is ... blank. Not sparse, but COMPLETELY blank. What an eye opener...I feel a little silly but was like a horse with blinders on pulling a plow...I just did not realize that the ground I was trying to till was now asphalt. No wonder my horse feet hurt!!!

 

ILMW, I hear you. I'm planning to start practicing golf again, and I'm going to reconnect with friends and people that I've chosen to let fall by the wayside rather than battle with my WW about their utility. Once she's gone and the papers are final, I see an HDTV and MANY sports parties in my future. maybe some hot babe out there will love the fact that I can host a sports party, know all the games...AND CATER IT MY F-ING SELF CAUSE I'M A GREAT F-ING COOK!!!

 

Whoo, that felt good.

 

Vader, the WW-OM sex is meaningless to me. Emotionally, she'd been cheating on me for a LOOOONG time. She can be somebody else's steaming pile of drama from now on.

[sumdude]

Vader, the WW-OM sex is meaningless to me. Emotionally, she'd been cheating on me for a LOOOONG time. She can be somebody else's steaming pile of drama from now on.

 

YES!.. RIGHT EFFIN' ON BROTHER!!

 

Was thinking this exact same thing about my STBX today. Because that is all she gave to me the last year or more.. hell the whole time .... just drama. When she loved she loved intensly but she just couldn't see what real love was. At first it was exciting and intriguing, the sex was awesome. But always there was a crisis. If there was no crisis one was created because then there was drama! She is the writer, producer, director and star of her own soap opera. And when the cast and crew got tired of it she fired everyone, burned her bridges and started a whole new production. A whole new cast of characters. I think each episode has the same ending though... I wasn't the first victim and not likely the last. In the end she'll be the empty one. I don't really want to wish that on her but it's hard not to ... I'll let the wheel of life determine that ending. She can't rewrite every script.

 

Can you say narcissist?

[Teddy and Jane]

Can you sell your place and both get your own cheaper apartments? I don't believe in this case you should have to pay for her rent because she has the capability of earning at least 75% more than she does. She has proven she is capable of making her own living. So...yes, talk to her about moving out, if she treated you like this, you should not financially support her at all, not now, not during the separation, and not during the divorce or after. She can go back to the work she was doing.

[michael's_pain]

For the first time, I'll get to talk to a divorce attorney about our situation tomorrow. I am going in with the mentality of protecting myself and coming out of the financially and materially whole. I know that the emotional part will take some time...any other advice, my fine co-horts, about tomorrow?

 

PS -- this site is an incredible provider of support!

[Gunny376]

'Sorry that I somehow missed your thread, (Hey! It happens) for some reason I didn't pick up on it until I saw your latest post in NSE's thread. Read your thread.

 

Drop this dame like a bad freaking habit! You're married to a selfish, self-centered, entitled, the world owes me, parasitic B**tch that will suck the life-blood out of your azz before your forty!

 

Too good to clean house and cook! Who the hell does she think she is? Quit her job to teach piano ~ and a 75% pay cut to boot, because working for a living is "beneath her" Man! Where'd you find this one? Wherever it was, you need to drop her off back where she came from!

 

It'll always be someting with this woman ~ nothing you ever do will be good enough for her. You buy her a house ~ she'll want a bigger one, you buy her a Benz ~ she'll want a Bentley. Let me freaking guess, she got shoes in her closet that cost more than most working make after taxes working all week.

 

I kind of feel sorry for people like your wife ~ Mr '"Reality" really wears that azz out when it comes time! People that think cooking, washing their own clothes, and wipping their own azz is benath them ~ they crack me up. One of my all time favorites ~ "I don't like my job!" "Like doesn't have a damn thing to do with it!" You suck it up until you can do better, and find better.

 

If it were me? I'd shoot for the moon, and get down right dirt-dog mean about the settlement. I'd get myself the meanest junk-yard dog of a lawyer and I'd wear the Princess's ass out! I'd ask for and fight for everything including her birthday!

 

Her azz would have an easier time getting blood from a turnip root!

 

You don't have children with this woman, you're still young, you've got a good job, a house, a graduate degree ~ what is your major malfunction? Dump this broad!

 

She's cheating on you and wants you to go to a function where the OM is going to be there? Oh! I'd go, but its going to involve a Baldwin, a Lousiville Slugger, the police, a mop, a bucket, a janitor, and a preacher!

 

What you need to do is give her a road map. With the directions to Virgina Beach highligted. When she looks at you with that look, you need to point at VB, and tell her: "That's where you need to drive to, and when your azz gets there, go out onto the beach and pound ever-loving sand in your BS, parasite, blood sucking azz!"

 

Damn Dude! Enough with being Mr. "Nice Guy", enough with "Mr. Please" its time to man the **** up!"

 

Since your in DC ride over by 8th and I, (Headquarters Marine Corps ~ Home of the Commandant of the Marine Corps) and speak to tha' "Boys" they'll set your azz straight! Damn right!

 

On a side note ~ where in the freaking Hell did you get it into your brain housing group that this woman was all there was to offer when it comes to women? How in the Hell did you get it in your head that you deserve this crap? How in the name of Heaven did you come to the point that you don't deserve better than this? Where and when, and how did you get it in your head that this one selfish, disrespecting, lazy, "damaged goods" woman was the only woman on the planet? Where did you get it that you don't deserve just as good as you give? Where? I really want to freaking know!

 

News Flash there for you Slick! There's no shortage of good women! There out here, the freaking planet is covered up with about 3 billion of them. Good women, God fearing, righteous, moral, grateful, thankful, ethical women.

 

Get off your dead azz, dump this loser, go out rub some sunshine on your face, and get busy getting busy! Get busy living your life! Get busy getting happy, and putting a smile on your face. Get busy getting your life where you want and need it to be! That's your job, Hoss ~ not mine, not anyone else's!