blindsided

[Gunny376]

Don't shop at Walmart. .... Problem solved.

 

Naw! Nothing like ripping a new azz to get you going and motivated first thing in the morning! Better than caffine! Gunny-up~!

[michael's_pain]

OK, my dear LS friends, you've read my thread and know the gist -- the divorce/separation is on-going but we've been emotionall away from each other for awhile now.

 

Well...I've met a couple of new women. One I'm having lunch with next week -- she seems OK and nice enough, very smart, professional. Another one I've e mailed and we will probably go out next weekend.

 

Question for the group: are these dates a BAD idea? Am I simply Johnny Rebound and going to make a compounding mistake?

 

I don't feel like I'm doing this for any reason except to make new friends ... and, of course, to get back on the dating horse again.

 

But I'd love to know your thoughts. I need some clear eyes here, especially from the women's perspective!

[Gunny376]

You can't re-bound if your in control of your emotions and not your emotions in control of you ~ if you're going back into it with eyes wide open, and without "neediness" ~ you should be good to go. Just beware that where you've' been, and where you're at isn't where you're going to be six months or a year from now.

 

The best time to date is when you've got your life as squared away as possible. That and when you've fully embraced being single. That is to say you could give a rats ass one way or the other, if you have a date or not, if you're spending Saturday night alone at the house or not.

 

The otherside (her's) is that you be straight up and honest that you're just dating and out testing the waters ~ not necessarly looking for a serious relationship. That's the key thing is to not get into anything serious for the next year or two. Your recovery time may be shorter ~ it varies from person to person.

 

To be aware of some of the "traps" to dating again ~

 

http://www.datingagain101.com/

[ilmw]

You can't re-bound if your in control of your emotions and not your emotions in control of you ~ if you're going back into it with eyes wide open, and without "neediness" ~ you should be good to go. Just beware that where you've' been, and where you're at isn't where you're going to be six months or a year from now.

 

The best time to date is when you've got your life as squared away as possible. That and when you've fully embraced being single. That is to say you could give a rats ass one way or the other, if you have a date or not, if you're spending Saturday night alone at the house or not.

 

The otherside (her's) is that you be straight up and honest that you're just dating and out testing the waters ~ not necessarly looking for a serious relationship. That's the key thing is to not get into anything serious for the next year or two. Your recovery time may be shorter ~ it varies from person to person.

 

To be aware of some of the "traps" to dating again ~

 

http://www.datingagain101.com/

 

Yeah... listen to Gunny on this one... make sure you are ready...

 

I thought I was... met a really put together lady.. actually a good catch... I was up front.. told her no expectations.. not wanting a serious relationship... etc.. That did not work... and she started putting the pressure on... wanting to see me more.. making plans weeks and months away... She started pushing past my boundaries... Red flags were going up.. left, right and centre...

 

I told her... I would not be seeing her anymore..

 

When your ready... I think you will just know... I'm getting there..

I feel subtle changes... in mood... thought... and.. the time I think of the past... the better your mood.. and the less you think of the past (her/him) I think is a good indicator as well...of where you are at.

[Ladyjane14]

OK, my dear LS friends, you've read my thread and know the gist -- the divorce/separation is on-going but we've been emotionall away from each other for awhile now.

 

Well...I've met a couple of new women. One I'm having lunch with next week -- she seems OK and nice enough, very smart, professional. Another one I've e mailed and we will probably go out next weekend.

 

Question for the group: are these dates a BAD idea? Am I simply Johnny Rebound and going to make a compounding mistake?

 

I don't feel like I'm doing this for any reason except to make new friends ... and, of course, to get back on the dating horse again.

 

But I'd love to know your thoughts. I need some clear eyes here, especially from the women's perspective!

 

Michael, you put me in mind of El Producto a good bit, in that both of you have suffered significant sexual aversion and rejection within the marital relationship. This has a very negative effect on the self-esteem, and can leave you like a sponge, just soaking up any female attention you receive.

 

The LAST thing you're going to want to do is to rebuild your inner self based on sexuality. It's a false positive. The real deal comes from within. ILMW is a good example of "the real deal". Women can come and go. Having what you need to sustain you on the inside, is what's consistent.

 

Dating is fine when you're ready. But unless your ego is whole and healthy again, you're not really ready.

 

In ILMW's recent foray, we've seen the importance of being in a position of command over your self. Right out of the box, he ran into a "clingy" woman who wasn't LISTENING to him when he told her up front what he was looking for in a relationship.

 

Because he's in a healthier place, he was able to take command of the situation and maintain his autonomy. I don't know if you're in a place yet where you can recognize the deficits in potential lovers without internalizing them as your own. That's why you need to be strong on the inside first.

[michael's_pain]

Well, here's the latest from Michael-land:

 

STBXW continues to live under our (MY) roof. She claims she's working her hardest to get out, and I think that's crap. We've been "separated" since May 12, and in those 18 days she hasn't packed a box or done much of anything to move on with her life. She visited an attorney but hasn't retained one -- I've retained one and have proposed a few settlement agreements and we're close to a deal. She claims she doesn't want to move until she's "ready."

 

Here's the crazines: both cars we have are financed under both of our names. She doesn't want to refinance (probably b/c she lacks $$$) and wants to keep my name on it. Of course, my attorney is having a fit because that's the last thing I'd want to do. But STBXW tells me that I can't think for myself any longer, since I have to talk to a lawyer all the time, and that I should trust her with the car thing since we have ten years together. Of course, she cheated on me, but says that's irrelevant and I'm simply playing the victim.

 

I want her azz out of the house now! I could file for divorce based on adultery (VA is a fault state) and produce a motion to remove her from the home, but that's more acrimonious and expensive. How patient should I be?

 

Also, I'm struggling with the "being by myself" phase. I had a lunch date yesterday with a nice, bright woman who did not "curl my toes" as the saying goes, but I really liked the companionship...and today I'm back to feeling lonely. I know this is a long journey but I am not a patient man!

[michelangelo]

give her the option of refinancing the car in her name by x date and then sign over your claim to the vehicle to her after she does that.

 

or

 

if she doesn't refinance it, sell the car.

 

and

 

You do likewise with your car, refinance it wholly in your name and get her to sign over her claim to you by that same x date

 

or sell your car too.

 

Get her off your car insurance as soon as possible UNLESS she has any financial interest in your house. If she were in an accident and were sued, they'd go after your house to pay medical bills.

 

Come on, you know you need to talk to your lawyer, don't let her con you with the 10 years together thing.

 

Just pursue the adultery angle with your lawyer as your reason for divorce.

 

BTW, if she doesn't start moving by a certain date that you set after consulting the lawyer, move her stuff into storage and change the locks.

[ilmw]

Well, here's the latest from Michael-land:

 

STBXW continues to live under our (MY) roof. She claims she's working her hardest to get out, and I think that's crap. We've been "separated" since May 12, and in those 18 days she hasn't packed a box or done much of anything to move on with her life. She visited an attorney but hasn't retained one -- I've retained one and have proposed a few settlement agreements and we're close to a deal. She claims she doesn't want to move until she's "ready."

 

Here's the crazines: both cars we have are financed under both of our names. She doesn't want to refinance (probably b/c she lacks $$$) and wants to keep my name on it. Of course, my attorney is having a fit because that's the last thing I'd want to do. But STBXW tells me that I can't think for myself any longer, since I have to talk to a lawyer all the time, and that I should trust her with the car thing since we have ten years together. Of course, she cheated on me, but says that's irrelevant and I'm simply playing the victim.

 

I want her azz out of the house now! I could file for divorce based on adultery (VA is a fault state) and produce a motion to remove her from the home, but that's more acrimonious and expensive. How patient should I be?

 

Also, I'm struggling with the "being by myself" phase. I had a lunch date yesterday with a nice, bright woman who did not "curl my toes" as the saying goes, but I really liked the companionship...and today I'm back to feeling lonely. I know this is a long journey but I am not a patient man!

 

Mp... I don't envy your situation.. you need this to end.. (not much help in that statement... just a fact)

 

as for new woman... Dude... stay away from them... for a while.. get yourself together.. inside... You do not need the confusion.. and potential complications...

 

Also... there is a difference in being alone.. and being lonely.. When you are comfortable in your own skin again.. you lose the loneliness. Trust me... I could have a woman right now.. I probably could have several by now.. but.. I was not ready.. and the one I did see... well ... I have learned to recognise red flags.. when I see them.. I would have never recognised them in the past. That only came from a lot of self evaluation, taking stock of my past... and recognising what I have done wrong in the past. I promised myself ... "NEVER AGAIN" I will be happy with me first.. before looking outward to make someone else happy.

[sumdude]

You're going to have to spplit the finances. That's just good policy ... if she misses a payment or more your credit gets wrecked too. Refinance your own car in your own name NOW. Call the finance company, tell them your situation and find out what options are available as far as the second car. Take control of the situation ... try to work with her as much as humanly possible but at some point you might have to get more hard core. Don't get too impatient about getting the settlement done ... there is some time to get it right between the two of you. If emotions get really worked up then settlement gets harder and harder. One step at a time. Take your lawyers advice BUT keep your own council too. Lawyers are trained to be adversarial and can often make a situation worse than it has to be when peoples emotions are involved.

 

Try to set a deadline with the STBX for moving out. It's not that easy to find a place in two weeks ... perhaps the first of July? Just an idea... Hell why can't she stay with a freind for a while or something.

 

I think that once the lawyers get called in most hope for any reconciliation or somewhat amicable divorce often goes out the window. They tell you not to trust your ex at all, hide what info you can, go for the juggular ... in a lot of divorces people can handle things on their own with some legal help if they take thier time. Let emotions run thier course a bit before making the deal. There are mediation lawyers who work for the divorcing couple together rather than one lawyer vs. another. Remeber it's in a lawyers best interest to get more billable hours ... which mean more litigation, papers to file and court time. You can spend as much or more money on the lawyers as you get in the final settlement.

 

I live in VA too. Check with your lawyer but proving adultery is pretty hard .. even with an oral admission. Pretty much need a rated X photo...

[notspiritual]

Let her stay with her co-worker so she can poison his life and not yours

 

Why don’t you invite buddies to sleep over and see how long she can put up with them? Or you can also invite accomplice girls to dine with you at home. If you don’t know any, just hire some hot escort babes. Buy or borrow a pitbull, a snake, a lizard and/or spiders. Put posters on every wall that only you like (porn, lesbian porn, KISS, Marilyn Manson etc). Develop strange hobbies: building a coffin etc. Start to eat Durian.

 

It is your house. Make it comfortable to you and uncomfortable to her.

[ilmw]

Let her stay with her co-worker so she can poison his life and not yours

 

Why don’t you invite buddies to sleep over and see how long she can put up with them? Or you can also invite accomplice girls to dine with you at home. If you don’t know any, just hire some hot escort babes. Buy or borrow a pitbull, a snake, a lizard and/or spiders. Put posters on every wall that only you like (porn, lesbian porn, KISS, Marilyn Manson etc). Develop strange hobbies: building a coffin etc. Start to eat Durian.

 

It is your house. Make it comfortable to you and uncomfortable to her.

 

:lmao::lmao:...some unique idea there...

[notspiritual]

:lmao::lmao:...some unique idea there...

 

As a solution of last resort, buy a Borat’s swimsuit and wear it whenever you are at home !

[ilmw]

As a solution of last resort, buy a Borat’s swimsuit and wear it whenever you are at home !

 

Now that is a perfect idea... Also how bout some naked wrestling through out the house...with a big,fat, hairy Kazakhstani ...:lmao::lmao:

[michael's_pain]

All,

 

I just came back to this board after a VERY interesting two months...and given that many of you were very instrumental in keeping me grounded, I thought I'd let you know what's going on. This is especially for those who are still reeling from the surprise and pain of a marriage ending.

 

STBXW moved out for good in early June. All of her stuff is gone. That was a hard day -- the idea of our marriage died, long after the reality had passed away. I spent most of June getting fixed up by people and taking time for me -- I'm 32, single, reasonably good-looking and have a great, mission-driven job at which I was recently promoted. In the two-month span, I've dated 17 different women and had some FASCINATING experiences (I may write a book some day). Gunny said this well on one thread -- there are a million women out there, and there's one for everyone.

 

My awareness moment was when I was enjoying being with a woman who was MOST DEFINITELY a project. As in, she needed work emotionally and was unwilling to do it on herself. That night, I had an epiphany and swore off dating projects. Then a funny thing happened...I met someone just as independent as me, and we're going s-l-o-w...but there's a substantial connection there. We write each other lengthy e mails, have good conversations and are both driven. So far, so good.

 

I guess the point of saying all of this is -- there is one real key to a successful partnership/marriage: KNOWING YOURSELF. Once you know who you are and what you are and WHY you are, everything else will take care of itself. For me, it took years of a terrible marriage and an affair by my STBXW to show me that I had strayed so far from my true self. I have my friends back, my family back, mySELF back. Everything else is just falling into place because I'm simply being me.

 

Yes, the pain sucks. Yes, it's hard to expunge a person from your life when (s)he has been such a major part of it. But I'm not even that far along and am in the best physical, emotional and mental shape of my life. There is hope, my friends -- but it lies within you.

 

Thanks to all of you on this board for being not only an ear but a voice.

 

michael

[sumdude]

All,

 

I just came back to this board after a VERY interesting two months...and given that many of you were very instrumental in keeping me grounded, I thought I'd let you know what's going on. This is especially for those who are still reeling from the surprise and pain of a marriage ending.

 

STBXW moved out for good in early June. All of her stuff is gone. That was a hard day -- the idea of our marriage died, long after the reality had passed away. I spent most of June getting fixed up by people and taking time for me -- I'm 32, single, reasonably good-looking and have a great, mission-driven job at which I was recently promoted. In the two-month span, I've dated 17 different women and had some FASCINATING experiences (I may write a book some day). Gunny said this well on one thread -- there are a million women out there, and there's one for everyone.

 

My awareness moment was when I was enjoying being with a woman who was MOST DEFINITELY a project. As in, she needed work emotionally and was unwilling to do it on herself. That night, I had an epiphany and swore off dating projects. Then a funny thing happened...I met someone just as independent as me, and we're going s-l-o-w...but there's a substantial connection there. We write each other lengthy e mails, have good conversations and are both driven. So far, so good.

 

I guess the point of saying all of this is -- there is one real key to a successful partnership/marriage: KNOWING YOURSELF. Once you know who you are and what you are and WHY you are, everything else will take care of itself. For me, it took years of a terrible marriage and an affair by my STBXW to show me that I had strayed so far from my true self. I have my friends back, my family back, mySELF back. Everything else is just falling into place because I'm simply being me.

 

Yes, the pain sucks. Yes, it's hard to expunge a person from your life when (s)he has been such a major part of it. But I'm not even that far along and am in the best physical, emotional and mental shape of my life. There is hope, my friends -- but it lies within you.

 

Thanks to all of you on this board for being not only an ear but a voice.

 

michael

 

Good to hear you're doing well. Wow 17 women in what ... two months?! You're moving pretty fast there. Sound like you've got a pretty good idea of what might work for you though. Good luck!

[notspiritual]

Glad to read a positive update from your situation. Good luck.

 

I remember when I was in Spain a few years ago, I could dance salsa with every girl. Here in the US, I can only dance with one girl out of 4 because the other 3 are so heavy that I don’t have the physical strength to lead them to make turns. I need to fish where you fish.

[nellstar]

Glad to read a positive update from your situation. Good luck.

 

I remember when I was in Spain a few years ago, I could dance salsa with every girl. Here in the US, I can only dance with one girl out of 4 because the other 3 are so heavy that I don’t have the physical strength to lead them to make turns. I need to fish where you fish.

 

You're hilarious!!

[nellstar]

I guess the point of saying all of this is -- there is one real key to a successful partnership/marriage: KNOWING YOURSELF. Once you know who you are and what you are and WHY you are, everything else will take care of itself. For me, it took years of a terrible marriage and an affair by my STBXW to show me that I had strayed so far from my true self. I have my friends back, my family back, mySELF back. Everything else is just falling into place because I'm simply being me.

 

Yes, the pain sucks. Yes, it's hard to expunge a person from your life when (s)he has been such a major part of it. But I'm not even that far along and am in the best physical, emotional and mental shape of my life. There is hope, my friends -- but it lies within you.

 

Thanks to all of you on this board for being not only an ear but a voice.

 

michael

 

You said it!! All the best, Michael!

[Gunny376]

michael's_pain

 

Actually I said that there are only about 150 million other women here in the United States, only about 3 billion of the worldwide.

 

And, yes there a Jack for every Jill, and a Jill for every Jack, and I don't care what you're until, no matter how big a freak your freak is ~ there's a freak that's your counterpart that's been looking for you ~ no matter who are.

 

And as you've alluded to the secret is to thy own self be true, know yourself and be yourself, warts and all. Be postive, grasp life and live life to it fullest, and make no apolgizes to anyone.

 

The problem isn't in finding someone else ~ the problem is in finding the right someone else. Someone who understands and fully comprehends that the path to "happliy ever-after" comes one day at a time. One day at a time, everyday for the rest of your life. Someone who understands that its not about material wealth, nor material things, nor is it about keeping up with the "Jones'" That its not about trying to climb up the food chain, nor trying to impress anyone ~ but rather its about one man loving one woman ~ right here and right now.

 

 

The guy that I work for? Just one of his companies ~ (and he owns several) grossed $127,000,000 last year. Just in the local area, not counting the other companies that he owns nationwide, he paid out over a million in payroll, and the four local companies grossed around 1/2 of a billion dollars last year. These are privately owned companies. I work 2nd shift alone in the lab just down the hall from his office. Yet, I meet him in the hallways on the way to get a cup of coffee or to the men's room sometimes ~ drunk ~ late at night.

 

He's on his third marriage and is the most miserable SOB I've ever meet.

 

I've learned the answer isn't the ever pursuit of more and more, bigger and better, new and improved, more expensive. The answer is in being satisfied with what you've got.

 

Living in fear is a terrible thing. Hope springs eternal ~ and a lot of times ~ hope is all you've got left. Life is too freaking short to stand around begging someone to let you love them! Begging them to let you give you 100% all, mentally, emotionally, physically, financially.

 

Cast not your precious jewels before swine, that only snort their noses at that which you offer them.

[Ladyjane14]

I guess the point of saying all of this is -- there is one real key to a successful partnership/marriage: KNOWING YOURSELF. Once you know who you are and what you are and WHY you are, everything else will take care of itself. For me, it took years of a terrible marriage and an affair by my STBXW to show me that I had strayed so far from my true self. I have my friends back, my family back, mySELF back. Everything else is just falling into place because I'm simply being me.

 

Yes, the pain sucks. Yes, it's hard to expunge a person from your life when (s)he has been such a major part of it. But I'm not even that far along and am in the best physical, emotional and mental shape of my life. There is hope, my friends -- but it lies within you.

 

What a great message, Michael. :bunny:

It's amazing how far a person can go when they utilize their positive energy, isn't it?

 

I'm glad to hear things are working out for you. Don't forget to 'play safe' while you're having "fascinating experiences" though. (Sorry, I can't resist clucking like a mother hen. It's what I do. )