I love him, but I am scared

[Teeky3]

I just joined Loveshack.org TODAY! After reading some of the threads, I figure maybe there is so advice or a cyber-sounding board to help me too. My situation is this...I met a man on eHarmony 11 months ago. He really is a terrific man and has 3 children. 2 live in my area and one lives on the West Coast. My boyfriend was married for 12 years and his wife initiated the divorce. He is EXTREMELY close to his children who live here. Sometimes, so close that it is a little bit weird or out of the ordinary for a man with daughters. Anyway, his ex lives minutes away. It was no problem when he did not have me in his life...now I can start to feel some issues kicking up. It's not HER (not yet anyway), it's my boyfriend. He is used to being at her every beck and call. Fine...when you're single..but once you're in a relationship, you have to consider the other person. The problem is..he does not seem to know how to tell her no, or can't. I am sitting here on LoveShack.org because me and my boyfriend were supposed to go to a wedding reception and he failed to ask his ex to keep the children. Next weekend, he told his ex he would keep the children again and FORGOT that he made a committment to be with me and my family for a huge family function. I lost my d*mn mnd on him and told him that before he tells HER yes, he has to learn to say "let me check my schedule," or "no" because he made a committment with me. Needless to say, he was looking at me like a confused dog does when a dog cocks their head to one side. He has never had to consider another woman before so SHE always got what she wanted. I am scared that my ex will have a hard time telling her no, because he believes the kids will suffer if HE can't keep them. So here it is....2 weekends in a row, I am without my man at 2 major events because he FAILED to inform her. What the ??? He sent me roses to my job yesterday telling me he loves me b/c I was so upset....more importantly, I am moving in with him this August and am so afraid of what's in store for me. I think he really believes that he has to always tell her YES. I informed him that our plans together can not be contingent on HER plans. No way. If I can't be #1 in his life, then tell me. I know he has children and accepted him this way, but on his FREE weekends, he needs to check with me because as I mentioned early on...WE HAD MAJOR PLANS with my family. I am still so hurt by this....really hurtin' and my mind is running away with me. I am resenting HER when it is not HER fault..it is his for being stupid.

 

Someone please give me some words here. I love him, but so scared of what I am about to embark on by moving in. I can't bare him making this misktake again. UGH!

[whichwayisup]

Yes, he could be more organized, but you gotta know his kids come first before you and your family functions.

 

Slow down your relationship, it hasn't been that long since you two hooked up..and by the sounds of it, his divorce is quite new still...Were you two together while they were divorcing? Just wondering...

 

And, does she know about you?

 

Talk to him about how you feel, that's all I can suggest. Also, don't resent his ex, turn your anger towards him seeing as he's the one who is breaking his committments to you.

[Teeky3]

Forgive me...I'm trying to figure out the loveshack forum system and not sure this will post....

 

My boyfriend has been divorced for 5 years. She knows about me (but we've never met). My boyfriend really is not good at remmbering dates, so he asked me to keep a calandar for him. I do.

 

The issue is not over him keeping his children...it's that he has every other weekend FREE and that is when we spend our time together. He offered to keep them on his FREE weekend (sha has a buisnesstrip) which happened to be my family's function. Normally, I would not care...I love his children too, but it was his FREE weekend and he never considered me in the equation.

 

You are right...I am really trying to slow this all down...mentally.

 

p.s. She is wealthy, has a nanny and according to my boyfriend has many handlers to assist. My only issue is that my boyfrend checks in with me (if it's a free weekend of his) before he automatically commits. We barely spend enough along time together as it is. Make sense?

[che_jesse]

Well first let me say that part of having children is that your own plans quickly get put on the back burner. Children do not care about the day you have had or that you spent 2 hours on your 20 minute commute, their needs have to be met no matter what.

 

Children also have two parents, a mother and a father. Not every divorced couple can happily coexist and raise their children in a healthy way. If the children need to be watched and one parent cannot do it the other one must. Its not a question of "let me check my schedule" or "I don't know... I'm supposed to go on a picnic" his parental responsibility far out weights his responsibilities as your boyfriend.

 

You need to just accept that side of it or not date men with children.

 

That being said, for little things that interrupt your time together you just need to be insistent about him checking with you first, eventually he will either "get it" or not. If not you need to make the decision to stay of leave based on that.

[Mr. Lucky]

He is EXTREMELY close to his children who live here. Sometimes, so close that it is a little bit weird or out of the ordinary for a man with daughters.

 

What does that mean?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Teeky3]

For example: his daughter sits on his lap while he massages her hair. I've never had a head massage. We're not talking about a brisk head massage...I'm talking about a long stroke, tender massage. I walked in on it and just found it weird and had to leave the room again. I mentioned it to him and then he stated that she asked for the head massage and that he knows they are getting bigger and developing and that they can no longer sit on his lap. (I really am wondering if it's a jealous tendency from me since he's never given me one). He also showers with the door cracked. I had to inform him that the bathroom has a door for a reason. His reason was that he needed to always be available for them...I told him that he should set rules. For example..when daddy is in the bathroom, unless it is an emergency, do not disturb me.

 

Just so you all know..my daughters are also extremely close to their father (my ex-husband as well) but some of the behavior that I see demonstrated from my boyfriend toward his daughters makes me question if there is such a thing as too close.

What does that mean?

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

How old are his daughters?

 

Look, I doubt very much he is crossing lines with his daughters...They are just close, closer than what you'd expect a father and daughters to be. What is normal to him, may not be normal to you.

 

I DO understand boundries...But again, it all depends on HOW OLD they are. If they are 13 and under and I can understand him leaving the bathroom door open abit, just incase....(Keeping an ear out, that's just for safety reasons) But if one or both are over 13, like 16 years old, then he can shut the door.

 

If his behaviour is creeping you out, you have other issues in this relationship.

 

Oh there is nothing wrong with her, sitting on her fathers lap and getting a massage. Some friends of mine have a 16 year old daughter and she still cuddles in bed with her mom and dad. She constantly is sitting on him too, wrestling, poking at him and stuff.

[Teeky3]

9 and 12. I don't even have to search inside for this...I know nothing is going on...I guess I was feeling some discomfort because he's never done this with me and thought perhaps he lacked the ability or the knowledge in what I really found pleasureable, and to see him do this for his daughter creeped me out and struck perhaps a jealous bone.

 

You are correct....he is much closer tohis daughters than any man I've ever known with daughters....so close where he's said at times that when he did not have a woman, he sought in them what he needed in women.

 

This will be a wait and see I guess....

 

Whichwayis up...i am adding you to my buddy list...Iv'e read yor comments and they are eye-openers.

 

How old are his daughters?

 

Look, I doubt very much he is crossing lines with his daughters...They are just close, closer than what you'd expect a father and daughters to be. What is normal to him, may not be normal to you.

 

I DO understand boundries...But again, it all depends on HOW OLD they are. If they are 13 and under and I can understand him leaving the bathroom door open abit, just incase....(Keeping an ear out, that's just for safety reasons) But if one or both are over 13, like 16 years old, then he can shut the door.

 

If his behaviour is creeping you out, you have other issues in this relationship.

 

Oh there is nothing wrong with her, sitting on her fathers lap and getting a massage. Some friends of mine have a 16 year old daughter and she still cuddles in bed with her mom and dad. She constantly is sitting on him too, wrestling, poking at him and stuff.

[Mr. Lucky]

(I really am wondering if it's a jealous tendency from me since he's never given me one).

Teeky3, there is a slightly competitive and jealous undercurrent that runs through your whole thread here. I may be biased as a once-divorced Dad, but you seem determined to get in between and undercut his relationship with his daughters. You question both the time he spends with them - "he told his ex he would keep the children again and FORGOT that he made a committment to be with me" and the bounds of their relationship - "I walked in on it and just found it weird and had to leave the room again".

 

From my own experience with blended families, doesn't sound like a recipe for success...

 

Mr. Lucky

[che_jesse]

I'm really surprised to learn that you have children, from your tone in your posts you sounded like someone that has never even been around a day care center let alone been a parent. I really dont know what sort of mother you are but if your ex had to go out of town you would refuse to take your children for the weekend because you had "plans"?

[Teeky3]

I should further clarify here....as this does sound like I've never had children and/or never been around them. That is not fair to you (as the reader offering your words) or to myself.

 

Let me also include that I love his children.They are wonderful girls. Well mannered and smarter than the average kids in my opinion. They always want me around and I am thrilled everytime I get a phone call from them or an e-mail asking for me to come visit them. The kids are teriffic and I could not have gotten any luckier with them. They really are a joy. I love children and actually spend many hours upon hours volunteering my time at an agency for underprivedged children. I needed to clarify this as it's only fair that know what my true relationship is like with them.

 

My one and only issue is that early on my boyfriend noticed traits in me that are quite similar to his ex-wife. Meaning....I was constantly calling my ex to ask him to keep our girls when my ex was in a serious relationship. My boyfriend felt as if I was still too dependent on my ex and said that I needed to consider how his woman might feel. He also stated that I could be causing issues in my ex's relationship by remaining so dependent on him and that it was time for me to accept that he was in a relationship and find other ways/resources to assist me. While this hurt to hear, I thought he might be right as it was nothing life threatening....just a favor. I was a single parent and as a single parent, with little resources, money and handlers, I worked it out. More importantly, I did not want my boyfriend to feel as if I was as dependent on my ex when he was no longer the main man in my life. I guess is was a male thing.

 

All I am stating is that what's good for the goose is good for the gandor. What my boyriend has required of me he does seem to be able to do himself. It hurts my feelings that when it comes time to put his money where his mouth is, he lacks ability or can't recall his own words to me. This has only happened two times. If it's an emergency fine...I get that, but when his ex makes vacation plans at the last minute and infringes on our time, it bothers me.

 

Does this help clarify?

 

p.s. By the way, my boyfriend has told me numerous times that he wishes I was the mother of his girls (such a long story) as a result of how i raised mine. He knows what kind of mother I am and how much love I have for all of our children. I'm only asking that he do for me what he has required me to do.

I'm really surprised to learn that you have children, from your tone in your posts you sounded like someone that has never even been around a day care center let alone been a parent. I really dont know what sort of mother you are but if your ex had to go out of town you would refuse to take your children for the weekend because you had "plans"?

[Teeky3]

Please read reply to che_jesse sent at 1001 a.m. this morning. This may help clarify....

 

Teeky3, there is a slightly competitive and jealous undercurrent that runs through your whole thread here. I may be biased as a once-divorced Dad, but you seem determined to get in between and undercut his relationship with his daughters. You question both the time he spends with them - "he told his ex he would keep the children again and FORGOT that he made a committment to be with me" and the bounds of their relationship - "I walked in on it and just found it weird and had to leave the room again".

 

From my own experience with blended families, doesn't sound like a recipe for success...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lizzie60]

and I don't think he's being fair to you... you are part of HIS life now so he has to deal with this. He sounds very 'unfair' in the way he's dealing with issues... what's good for him is not good for you.

 

I would also keep my eyes BOTH, WIDE OPEN, I would also feel very uncomfortable with the shower thing... (in case they need him... come on gimme a break) they're not babies anymore... this is creepy. and you said something about 'his girls replacing the woman' or something (I forgot your exact words) but this is also weird for him to say.

 

I would have a serious talk with him... I understand that children come first on either sides, but the partner also has to be considered in decisions... I'm sure if he would consult you first, you would feel much better and less resentful of the situation.

 

Good luck! I know exactly how you feel... my last ex had 2 boys... it's very hard when families are brought together... there are the exes in the picture still... different ways to raise children...etc. it's not easy.

[Teeky3]

Thanks Lizzie! Finally someone who sees my side of things. Both eyes and ears are wide open and unless people have walked in my shoes (or in the shoes of the girlfriend) they have no idea. I am not asking to replace his children or get in the way, (that is pure craziness) just to be considered as you've mentioned.

 

p.s. And they are big girls...not babies. He started closing the door, but I could tell was uneasy with this.

 

and I don't think he's being fair to you... you are part of HIS life now so he has to deal with this. He sounds very 'unfair' in the way he's dealing with issues... what's good for him is not good for you.

 

I would also keep my eyes BOTH, WIDE OPEN, I would also feel very uncomfortable with the shower thing... (in case they need him... come on gimme a break) they're not babies anymore... this is creepy. and you said something about 'his girls replacing the woman' or something (I forgot your exact words) but this is also weird for him to say.

 

I would have a serious talk with him... I understand that children come first on either sides, but the partner also has to be considered in decisions... I'm sure if he would consult you first, you would feel much better and less resentful of the situation.

 

Good luck! I know exactly how you feel... my last ex had 2 boys... it's very hard when families are brought together... there are the exes in the picture still... different ways to raise children...etc. it's not easy.

[melodymatters]

Antoher thread full of posts basically stating that the kids come first ALL OF THE TIME. Bullsh*t

 

I have used this phrase before in similar posts, its needs to be "triage", where who ever has the greater need, child or adult, comes first.

 

This was a big family wedding correct ? He should have gotten a babysitter for the 6 hrs and went with teeky. He is obviously not an absent parent, the kids won't shrivel up and die, if he takes a few hrs away from them.

 

Not only can you not have a healthy adult relationship if you are ALWAYS going to put your partner FOURTH, I don't think it's health for the KIDS to think the world revolves around them !!

 

I have a 14 yr old who was very spoiled both by me and my parents. Now, I am dealing with an entitled little monster, so I know from whence I speak.

 

In the past kids were seen and not heard, and feared and respected teachers, parents, neighbors. Now that as a culture we have DEIFIED children, they are by and large disrespectful, lazy spoiled brats. Ask any teacher.

[Teeky3]

Thank you Melodymatters! You get my point and while his children are well mannered children, they are spolied and they believe that when they say jump, daddy will say how high. All I am asking for is some respect as his woman and not to come "fourth." His children's needs will always be met...he is an excellent father, but a few freakin hours for a wedding was not so much to ask for especially with a months notice. And kids DO NOT COME FIRST ALL OF THE TIME....I agree...that is exactly what is wrong with most kids these days. They have a sense of entitlement because it was given to them early on.

 

Thank you for listening Melodymatters and for your words...finally somone who is open minded and who gets it!!!

 

Antoher thread full of posts basically stating that the kids come first ALL OF THE TIME. Bullsh*t

 

I have used this phrase before in similar posts, its needs to be "triage", where who ever has the greater need, child or adult, comes first.

 

This was a big family wedding correct ? He should have gotten a babysitter for the 6 hrs and went with teeky. He is obviously not an absent parent, the kids won't shrivel up and die, if he takes a few hrs away from them.

 

Not only can you not have a healthy adult relationship if you are ALWAYS going to put your partner FOURTH, I don't think it's health for the KIDS to think the world revolves around them !!

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't think it's health for the KIDS to think the world revolves around them !!

If the world really did revolve around the children, Mom and Dad would still be married instead of pursuing messy serial relationships where both parent's SO's move in and out of the kids lives.

finally somone who is open minded and who gets it!!!

Thanks Lizzie! Finally someone who sees my side of things. Both eyes and ears are wide open and unless people have walked in my shoes (or in the shoes of the girlfriend) they have no idea.

Teeky3, this is an advice forum. People like you (and me ) come here to get feedback on our problems, situations and challenges. Discrediting the advice you get because the poster hasn't "walked in your shoes" doesn't make sense - if you just want people to blindly agree with you, say so in your opening post.

 

Bottom line, I (and a few other posters) think what you're doing and how you're going about it is wrong. And I'm definitely creeped out by your numerous semi-sexual/incest allegations. Doesn't sound healthy for everyone involved...

 

Mr. Lucky

[che_jesse]

Why didnt you just take the kids to the wedding with you?

 

I know there not your kids but if its a big wedding what does it matter? I bring along other peoples kids of my family functions all the time. My daughter always has friends at our house, instead of bothering to take them home or try to figure out when whoever is supposed to come over and what we are doing that day I just take everyone along.

[4whatItsWorth]

Well, while I do see your POW I still think his children should come before you. Compared with me and my friends who were loved and "spoiled" with my friends who were "smacked and neglected" ...I can easily tell you who felt more appreciated as adults. I know my parents love me, and my friends think their parents hate them...so, I do not agree "spoiling" kids is wrong - depends on what the spoiling is.

 

When you got together with a man with kids - you knew the package deal. To me it seems like there are more issues behind, and that you focus on the "kids"-deal to ignore the rest of the problems. It's the dad's choice whether or not he wants to "jump" - the kids never forced him to. And if they are as sweet as you say - then they probably never even asked him to jump.

 

Perhaps he feels bad for his wife? They were divorced - why? I think by his weird statement of kids and wives, he meant that his kids are and were his everything. No matter what you do, those girls will always be number #1. Either accept he probably will never change his behaviour or stay and see how long you will last.

[Teeky3]

We tried everything....only problem is that children were not invited. Family members were upset over this, but the invitation clearly said, no children. In any event, my BF and I talked about this situaton long and hard and he stated that he was so used to being at his ex's every beck and call as that is the way they operated and whil ehe will alwAYS BE THERE for his children (as he should) he will be more aware of what he needs to do and what SHE needs to do. In otherwords, if she plans a vacation at the last minute on a weekend that he is w/o the kids, then she needs to make the arrangements for a sitter...not him. Or if we already have standing plans, he is no longer going to jump at her beat b/c she suddently got tickets to a show. I do however believe there are times when unavoidable situations will occur and we all need to be flexible, but just like SHE is allowed to have a life, so are we.

 

Funny thing is...I went to visit him last night and w/o saying a word, he presented me with flowers and said to me.."I finally got it" I know how you feel and "you're right, everthing is changing and I will do my part and always make you feel like the #1 woman in my life." REFRESHING!

 

Why didnt you just take the kids to the wedding with you?

 

I know there not your kids but if its a big wedding what does it matter? I bring along other peoples kids of my family functions all the time. My daughter always has friends at our house, instead of bothering to take them home or try to figure out when whoever is supposed to come over and what we are doing that day I just take everyone along.

[Teeky3]

Thanks for the words..but read my post # 20. He must have had a EUREKA moment or something.....

 

p.s. I am not foolish enough to ever in a billion years compete with anyone and thier children. I have 2 of my own; however, I do believe that when you start a new relationship, there are going to be some dynamics that absolutely must change.

 

Well, while I do see your POW I still think his children should come before you. Compared with me and my friends who were loved and "spoiled" with my friends who were "smacked and neglected" ...I can easily tell you who felt more appreciated as adults. I know my parents love me, and my friends think their parents hate them...so, I do not agree "spoiling" kids is wrong - depends on what the spoiling is.

 

When you got together with a man with kids - you knew the package deal. To me it seems like there are more issues behind, and that you focus on the "kids"-deal to ignore the rest of the problems. It's the dad's choice whether or not he wants to "jump" - the kids never forced him to. And if they are as sweet as you say - then they probably never even asked him to jump.

 

Perhaps he feels bad for his wife? They were divorced - why? I think by his weird statement of kids and wives, he meant that his kids are and were his everything. No matter what you do, those girls will always be number #1. Either accept he probably will never change his behaviour or stay and see how long you will last.