Moving in together

[Kat]

My b/f and I used to live togther. It didn't really work out (my b/f said he couldn't live with me because he needed his space too much).

 

I moved back home and he moved back home too (so he could save to buy). Anyway, he was spose to stay there for a month or two. It has now been 6 months and he told me he would be looking for a place late jan. Now he has put it off until March. He says he wants to get a place just right, and closer to me. If he saves more he can move closer to me.

 

Now I have a problem, I am living at home at the moment, and it is hell. I love my family but I am 20 years old,. I stud, work and am a single mum. I need my own place. Lately I have been really depressed about how my b/f doesn't want to live with me. He says not until your married should you live together and he was just being greedy by asking me to move in so hecould see me whenever he could.

 

I want to move in with him!

We have both changed alot (for the better) since we stopped living with each other. I have realised that he needs his space, and he has realised I have my weird quirks too.

 

He says he can't wait to buy a house and I can be over all the time. I will have a set of keys and have 24/7 access. He says I can stay there 7 days a week if I want, he just feels better if he knows there is somewhere else I can go.

 

I want to live with him, and it is really depressing me that I can't start a life with him (ie. both get a loan, both pay off the house, both choose it....).

 

He asked me what was wrong yesterday, and I told him that I was just upset because I couldn't get something that wanted. He asked me how I knew that. I said that I could easily have a convo with him about a subject and know how it would go, and would rather not hear it (you can only hear out of your b/f's mouth so many times "I can't live with you").

 

He pressed the subject and I told him that some subjects were taboo with him. He asked what kind of subjects and I said "Living together". His reply is, that isn't taboo, taboo means... and described what taboo was.... and that was it! That is where the convo ended!!!!!!

 

What do I do?? Do I bring it up?? Explain my case in full?? Do I assume he has got the picture??? Do I wait for him to bring it up?? I spoke to him about how it didn't bother me where he lived, or how close to where I am now. My main issue was where Hope went to day care, and we talked about the possibility of her moving day care to be closer to his new house.

 

I want to move out of home but what if when he moves out it all changes and I practically live there?? I don't know whether to drop the subject and hope it all works itself out or bring it up and prepare for words I don't want to hear

 

Last thing I want to do is make him feel so bad that he says he wants to live with me, just because he see's how much it hurts me. I am not that kind of woman and I will not emotionally blackmail anyone.

 

How do I do it so it isn't blackmail, yet we can talk about it?? I have been depressed about this for nearly two weeks. I even cried in his arms after the short convo we had about taboo subjects.

 

Thanks guys

[Just A Girl2]

Just out of curiosity, how old is your b/f?

 

Okay, he's tried living with you (and your daughter)..and he didn't think it was working so he moved back home.

 

Now he's planning to get his own place and he's telling you that although you can be over there whenever you want, he doesn't think it's a good idea for you to move in there full time. He's being honest with you, on how he feels. Respect that.

 

Say you did talk him into letting you move in, and it doesn't work again.....that's not good for your daughter, #1. Children need stability and consistency, not moving around from place to place.

 

Maybe he's just not ready to be 'a family'......and depending on his age, it might be understandable that he's not ready for living together yet. Maybe he's not ready for the responsibility....of feeling obligated to look after you and your daughter?

 

Has he ever lived on his own before? If not, I think it's a good thing for everyone to live on their own.........to learn to be independent, to have freedom, to learn how to really take care of themselves. He'll be going from living with his parents (which can't be fun) to living on his own. I'm sure that is exciting to him.

 

I can understand how he feels. I've been in some relationships where I cared about the guy a lot, and didn't mind them spending the night here and there, but I always valued my freedom and space......and I knew I'd feel too smothered if they lived with me; that I'd have no time to myself, ever....and that bothered me. I've lived with boyfriends before and unless it's a HUGE home where you can really get away from each other from time to time, it's difficult. Sometimes people just need time by themself, even when in a relationship.

 

I'd say there's simply no point continuing to bring this up. He's been honest with how he feels, you've tried living together in the past and it didn't work for him. He feels the way he feels, and he's entitled to that.

 

A lot of people see living together as practically being married. Maybe he's just not ready to be in that semi-married state yet.......and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

How long have you been with him?

[Kat]

I have been with him for nearly a year and a half. He is 23 and I am 20.

 

He told me he 'wasn't sure if when the lease was up that we should live together' with that I moved back home and that was that. There hasn't been any discussion in 6 mths.

 

He has lived out of home for nearly 3 years I think, and he has been alone for alot of that time.

 

Since we lived togewther we have grown together alot, and have come to realise how each other works more. I miss him terribly when he isn't here. I work 6 days a week, so all we really get to do is spend one night together. Don't get me wrong those moments I am the happiest during the week, and I love any time I can get with him.

 

I respect how he feels, but I am worried that he may of view on how he feels since we last had this conversation. He talks about not living togther until people are married, because then 'you HAVE to get along' and because that is what his parents did. Yet he talks about how we will be together for ever just never get married (doesn't bother me in the slightest it is just a peice of paper). But to me this sounds like we will be together forever but not under the same roof. Which I find disturbing.

 

In short I want him to know exactly how I feel, without putting pressure on him. I really do not want him to feel pressured to live with me. I could never forgive myself.

 

But I spose in short ..I want to live with him, and I want to know how I can make this happen. Whether or not it be now, or a years time, but one day. I just don't know how to have the talk

[Just A Girl2]

You wrote:

 

He talks about not living togther until people are married, because then 'you HAVE to get along' and because that is what his parents did. Yet he talks about how we will be together for ever just never get married (doesn't bother me in the slightest it is just a peice of paper). But to me this sounds like we will be together forever but not under the same roof. Which I find disturbing.

 

Okay, so: he doesn't believe in living together outside of marriage, but then goes on to say that you'll be together but "never get married." So, maybe he's telling you that he doesn't ever want to live with you? Or what do you think he's saying here?

 

There's nothing you can do if he's making it clear he doesn't want to live together. He obviously knows how you feel about it. He could change his mind in time, but you can rest assured that if you pressure him at all, or keep bringing it up, he's going to resist changing his mind, big time...because people don't like being nagged, or being guilted into doing something they dont' want to do.

 

It's tough when you can only spend limited time with a partner, for sure.....but you're going to have to just respect what he wants and either wait around hoping he'll change his mind, or decide to end things and find someone who'll feel more the same as you do.

 

Think about it, though..if he's saying he doesn't believe in living together until marriage BUT that he doesn't ever want to get married to you, maybe you have to read between the lines at what he's really saying here?

[Kat]

hmmm that really isn't what i wanted to hear But thankyou for allowing me to see how else it can be seen

 

My main point is we haven't spoken about it. Yes he can bring it up if he wanted to, but he really isn't like that.

 

Any advice on how to talk to him about it without it coming over too strong??

[Kat]

He was working late last night and I offered him a lift home. Nice and subtle . Apparently too sutble, as he said his parents were picking him up. Then something broke at work, and he had to stay later. I sent him another offer via email for a lift and he said he didn't want me up late and tired for work the next day. This is what happened next (via email)

 

Me:

I guess I really suck at the "We need to talk" without saying it. You are right it is too late and I wouldn't accomplish anything let alone would you be in the mood to talk. I am going to go to bed honey. Night

 

Him:

oh, i should have got that...

 

i'm sorry babe. i will be here for a while yet. i do love you. i'm sorry i'm a moron who works late...

 

Me:

you are not and moron and you work late because it is your job and you honour that. Don't apologise for it.Ignore that I said we needed to talk. There is no way I can express myself properly other than being extremely blunt and saying 'I want to live with you again' and even then it doesn't sound right. Nor does it express the reasons or feelings behind this want. Which makes it even worse.

 

Him:

Well, it does sound like we need to sit down and talk. Although i'd like to request it for a time when neither of us has got to run in 5 minutes time. I know that sound like putting it off, but i don't want to have to leave half-way through the conversation.

 

love you baby. and your communication skills don't suck.

 

Me:

Let me know when you are free and up to it. Until then I love you and miss you like crazy and I am sorry for my behaviour. I am not even happy with how I have been behaving lately.

 

Love you *mwa*

....

 

and that was it. He didn't say anything more about talking. I don't know when we will sit down and discuss it, or even how I can word it so I say what I want instead of the words all racing out my mouth and coming out wrong.

 

 

It makes it even harder when my daughter runs into my bedroom in the morning saying his name over and over again. Then when he isn't in bed she runs around the house calling for him

[clia]

It sounds to me like he just isn't ready to live with you yet. (Which, at age 23, is understandable.) It didn't work the last time, so what makes you think it will work this time?

 

I think you have brought it up enough--he obviously doesn't want to talk about it anymore (if at all). You told him in your e-mail how you feel. So....back off! He knows how you feel! Wait for him to bring it up.

 

In the meantime, get your own place and take care of YOU. Start YOUR life without him. Buy your own house if you want one! You don't need to live with someone to have a relationship with them. I know you love him and all, but why is this such a big deal? People have relationships all the time where they don't live together!

 

It does sound like he has no intention of marrying you. Are you sure that's the kind of relationship you want? Marriage is A LOT more than a piece of paper. What kind of example does it set for your daughter to "live in sin" with someone forever? Do you plan to have children with him?

 

This worries me:

 

Don't get me wrong those moments I am the happiest during the week

 

You seem way too focused on him, instead of on yourself. You should be having happy moments in your life without him. He is not the center of your universe.

[Just A Girl2]

What's with this:

 

Until then I love you and miss you like crazy and I am sorry for my behaviour. I am not even happy with how I have been behaving lately.

 

It's definitely not my intention to belittle you or put you down, but you're asking for input so I'll offer mine.

 

You sound too apologetic, too 'eager to please', too butt-kissing, too 'sucking up'...why? Is there some other 'behavior' you're referring to, or are you apologizing for the fact that you brought up the topic of living together at a time when he didn't really have the time to discuss it? You shouldn't have to apologize in a relationship, for bringing up issues that you feel need to be discussed. Okay, timing is a factor, and a legitimate one......but never apologize for bringing up a controversial topic..otherwise, there's obviously some problems in the communication department of your relationship, or, the area of feeling free enough to bring things up.

 

Just curious though......wouldn't you prefer it if your b/f ASKED YOU to move in with him, versus you suggesting it? Just trying to put myself in your shoes. Say I was with a guy and we'd been dating for a good period of time..and i very much wanted to live with him and we'd tried it in the past and it didn't work....and there might be an upcoming opportunity for us to try again.........I of course would bring it up once, to let me feelings be known, but I would never pressure or guilt him into wanting to live with me............I would want HIM to be the one to suggest it, otherwise, I could potentially risk the guy asking me merely out of feeling coerced/manipulated/guilted/obligated, etc.........and who wants to be living with someone if you don't feel in your heart that they want you there, with 100% certainty?

 

You may not have sat down and had a recent, indepth conversation about the issue of living together once he gets his place.....but surely you must know that he already KNOWs how you feel about it, don't you think? I'm sure he's not stupid. Afterall, didn't you post somewhere up above that he told you when he gets his new house, that you're welcome to stay there any time you want but that ....heck, instead of trying to paraphrase, let me copy here, what you actually wrote:

 

He says he can't wait to buy a house and I can be over all the time. I will have a set of keys and have 24/7 access. He says I can stay there 7 days a week if I want, he just feels better if he knows there is somewhere else I can go.

 

There you have it! He's made his feelings known. He already knows you want very much to live with him but he's telling you, in a roundabout way, that he's not ready for that kind of arrangement/commitment. "he feels better if he knows there's somewhere else you can go." He can't be much more clear than this. It's up to you to open your heart and mind and acknowledge what he's telling you here. He's not ready for the large commitment of you all living together full time. He doesn't want to lock himself into that. He wants you there, sure, but he also wants to know that you have somewhere else to go when he wants his space.

 

So based on this, I don't see what the point of bringing this subject up again is. You feel one way, he feels another. He's very clear in how he feels. For you to keep bringing it up and being depressed about it all, will likely just cause you to come across as needy and clingy and dependent on him....which will likely only serve to push him away because he's feeling pressured and smothered.

 

You can't convince someone to change their mind when they feel a certain way. To do so, IMO, is disrespecting them. It's like saying "I know you feel a certain way but I don't like it and I want you to feel differently."

 

However, if you feel you must pursue this subject, you could try to find out from him exactly why he's opposed to living together. Yes, he apparently told you before that he doesn't think people should live together outside of marriage..........but didn't he also tell you that although he "wants to be together with you forever, he doesn't ever want to get married"??

 

If you've invested over a year with this guy, and he's not on the same wavelength as yourself in terms of making the commitment to live together, then instead of trying to change his mind, you might be better off re-evaluating your relationship and considering the possibility that you might be better off with someone else.......because it's possible that this guy will never want to live with you.....and in the meantime, you could spend a lot of time and stress and frustration and feeling rejected, waiting for him to "change his mind."

[Just A Girl2]

I totally agree with everything you've written here, Clia. I sense that Kat is simply having a heard time admitting to herself, what her b/f has already made abundantly clear. Perhaps a bit of denial going on here. Or a lot? It does appear that her b/f is the sole focus of her life and that her happiness comes totally from him. That's not healthy and maybe he senses her neediness, and I doubt there's too many 23 yr old men who want to feel that they are their girlfriend's sole focus in life. Heck, for any aged man. Most men want an independent woman who's happy "within" and doesn't look to them or others or outside forces or material things to provide them with contentment and happiness.

[Kat]

Thanks guys for your imput. I have decided (before I read your posts) that there is no need to have a talk. No need to even bring it up. So I won't.

 

I do have a life outside of him, and I would appricate if just because I want to live with him that I am not seen as clingy. Why can't people just see it as someone wanting to live with someone as just that.

 

Thanks

[Kat]

All I can say is you seem to all be on his side because I wan't to move in with him and he is obviously not ready. How dare I want that, I shoulkd respect his feelings blah blah blah.

 

Yet look at it from the other side. Had he made a thread saying that he didn't want to live with his girlfriend but she did you would all be saying well it is clear how she feels you may need to give a little blah blah blah!

 

Just keep that in mind!

[Just A Girl2]

Oh for pete's sake, stop with the hissy fit here. You're just choked because the responses you got weren't what you wanted to hear.

 

If your boyfriend HAD come here and posted that he was not ready to live with his girlfriend and she was subtly pressuring him, I'd be the first in line to tell him to stand his ground because there's no law saying a couple must live together.

 

You wrote above:

 

Why can't people just see it as someone wanting to live with someone as just that.

 

It's more than that, Kat. It was abundantly clear to us reading your post, based on the things you SAID your BF said, that he was not at all interested in having you live with him. Period. Yet you wanted to still have " a talk" when he'd already been clear that he didn't want it. Come on now.

 

You're the one that said you were depressed with not being able to see him much, isn't that true? You're the one that made the comment that your happiest times are when you can see him (thereby implying that you're miserable when you're not with him, which doesn't sound like a very balanced life to me)..........

 

It's not about taking sides, for god sake........it's about facts. He made it clear, based on what YOU WROTE HERE, that he did NOT WANT YOU TO LIVE WITH HIM. We were simply telling you to just respect his wishes and drop it.

 

Hey, I guess next time you're free to just tell us in advance what it is you want us to say in our replies. Geez.

[clia]

I would never tell anyone to "give a little" if they did not want to live with someone.

 

Frankly, if any man ever wants to live with me, he's going to have to put a ring on my finger. I don't understand the benefit from your perspective. You live with him, invest your life in him, and he could walk out the door in a heartbeat. (And it does indeed happen all the time.) That's why you need the commitment of marriage. Don't get me wrong, when I was 20 I thought I'd never want to get married either. Now I'm 28 and I've changed my mind. It happens. You don't want to end up in a situation where you are living with him and he has no intention of getting married. I think you are better off not living with him and continuing on with your life.

 

I do have a life outside of him, and I would appricate if just because I want to live with him that I am not seen as clingy.

 

Your post(s) scream clingy. They scream nagging. We can only go by what you tell us. We don't know you or anything about you other than what you tell us in your post. You said you were depressed, that you wanted to live with him, and made it sound like you cannot go on with your life until you are living with him and the two of you go on with your life together. That makes it sound like you are slightly lacking your own life, or are a bit too dependent on him as far as moving your life forward. It doesn't have to be that way. You are perfectly capable of moving your life forward as a "single" woman in a relationship.

 

I'm still unclear on *why* you want to live with him. You are only 20. (And I don't mean that in a condescending way. I just think 20 is young, young, young to determine who you want to be with for the rest of your life. My little sister is 24 and lives with her boyfriend, and I think she's too young, too!) "I Love Him" is not an answer.

 

You know what? Do what you want. It doesn't affect us. We were just trying to be nice and give you advice based on what you posted.

 

But next time, just end your post with "Tell me what I want to hear" and we will happily oblige.

 

[Kat]

My main question was ":How do I bring it up" and the reponse to that (well there wasn't any) was what I was annoyed at.

 

It is always good to hear how other people perceive things. I have come to realise that there are more issues here than just this moving in business.

 

I can handle not living with him, but I can't handle being in limbo. That is what I should of said. I have no problem living on my own, but I would just like to know that in say 3mths he sin't going to ask me to move in and here I am stuck in a lease or house that I can't move from.

 

I never said I wasn't happy away from him, I said they were the happiest. Nothing better than lying in bed with your partner and having your daughter come in for cuddles and just doing nothing all day but be with them and hang out.

 

I have more reasons for moving in with him, rather than just 'i want too'. Most are boring financial or family reasons.

 

I am taking him out to dinner and then the movies with friends after dinner tonight and hopefully we can just talk, about what? I don't know.

 

As most people would imagine, sometimes, it is hard to hear things you don't want too, but I appricate all your advice and views because I did ask for them, and I didn't mean to throw them back in your face, as that wasn't my intention.

 

I will let you know if anything happens regarding this thread and I can put it into words better than on paper(typing) as it did come out all wrong on here.

 

Thanks

[clia]

We did answer your main question of "how to bring it up."

 

The answer was, Don't. You have already done so ad nauseum.

 

If you can't handle being in limbo, you should have an Intentions Talk, and ask him where the relationship is going. But first, you should determine what it is exactly that you want out of this relationship. And if he doesn't ante up, you should be prepared to walk away. Even if it hurts, it won't hurt nearly as much as it will X years from now if you keep heading into nothing land with him.

 

Financial and family reasons are not good enough reasons to move in with someone, IMO. It just seems like you are depending on him to release you from your life. Instead, I think you should try to be independent and deal with your life yourself. (This is really much more attractive to men. They do like to see that you can take care of yourself and aren't completely dependant on them. This may be something that is scaring your boyfriend off with living together, that you seem to need it so much. I don't know...just my opinion from what you've posted.)

 

Don't base what you do now on what might happen in the future. If you want to get a house or apartment, get it. Deal later with issues of him wanting you two to live together. Don't be so ready to throw what YOU have away because he decides he wants to move in with you. You honestly can't just wait and wait and wait for HIM to decide what is going to happen in the relationship. It should be a two way street. You should go on with your life and do things on your own. I mean, you could still be living where you don't want to live a year from now if he doesn't invite you to move in! Is that what you want?

 

Seriously Kat, move on with YOUR life. Do what you want to do. If it's meant to be with him, it'll happen. Even if you do get into a lease, he can wait until it's up for you to move in.

[Kat]

I must add that I am a single mother who studies and currently works 6 days a week. I have my own life. When we lived together we were totally ependant on ourselves. I brought my stuff and he brought his. I can look after myself just fine, and I can look after my family too even if I wasn't with Dan.

[Just A Girl2]

(geez Clia, are you my long lost twin? LOL)

 

What you said....about the commitment-factor of living together versus marrying, I agree. And I think this is an even BIGGER factor to consider, when a woman has a child. Children need stability and consistency. They become attached to people quickly. If not already, Kat's daughter would likely see Kat's b/f as a father figure of sorts. Living together is no guarantee that he won't change his mind one day and move out.......how is that for her daughter? That stuff is a killer on little kids, because they don't understand "why he went away." If I were a single Mom, I'd be a lot more careful in this respect. And I sure wouldn't pressure my man to move in together.....so that there's a chance he'll do it out of feeling 'guilted or obligated'...only to change his mind (for a second time) a few months down the line. Kat's got to be thinking about her daughter's needs here, not just her own.

 

I have more reasons for moving in with him, rather than just 'i want too'. Most are boring financial or family reasons.

 

Sounds like she's desperate to shack up mostly for these reasons.......which are the worst reasons in the world to live together. The decision to live together should be a totally mutual one, and based on everything but (love, friendship, companionship) financial troubles or getting out of the parental home.

 

Kat's obviously not even reading what we're saying here, which is fine.......but I hope she one day realizes how needy she appears.......and to keep wanting to "talk" about this with her b/f who's made it 2000% clear that he's not interested in living together..well, if I were a guy, I'd likely feel smothered and disrespected and too depended on...and I'd re-evaluate the relationship.

[Kat]

.

[Just A Girl2]

All you can see is 2 people commenting on things they know nothing about? ROFLMAO

 

Let's see now:

 

1) you have a 2 yr old daughter

2) you openly admit that most of the reasons you want to shack up with your b/f of 1.5 yrs is due to financial reasons and to no longer have to live at home

3) you said previously that you're depressed because you're not living with him

4) you said that you're only happy when you're spending time with him

5) he's told you that he doesn't believe in marriage, but also (according to what YOU WROTE HERE) that he wants to be together forever with you but "does not ever want to marry." Do the math.

6) He's told you that when he gets his own house, you're welcome to stay over whenever, but he wants to know that you 'still have somewhere to go' (in other words, don't get too comfortable)

7) you lived together once, it didn't work out

8) he's made it crystal clear that he's not wanting to live with you yet you can't seem to get this through your head; you still think you need to 'have a talk'

 

You came here asking for advice on how to "talk to him" about the issue of living together. We read all the details your presented, and pointed out to you that there's no NEED to have a talk.......he's made it clear that he doesn't want to live together and if you continue to ignore his thoughts and wishes on the matter, he's going to be turned right off and you may even lose him.

 

Why don't you worry more about your own life, your daughter's life, providing her with a stable, consistent home......taking care of yourself, versus badgering a man who doesnt' want to be badgered, into doing something, and for all the wrong reasons. If I was a 23 yr old guy, I wouldn't want to have my girlfriend who had a kid move in with me.......and become some instant family, that i'd have to pretty much support (due to the current poor financial situation that would likely be worse then because I'm assuming living at home is cheaper). You've only been together 18 months. what's the rush? You're going to drive the guy away. Men detest clingy, whiny, needy, dependent, codependent women.

 

Yep, I guess we are commenting...on the obvious facts and details you've laid before us. Only it's more apparent now that it's a waste of time because you refuse to acknowledge the truth. Oh well, live and learn I guess.

[Kat]

Originally posted by Just A Girl2

All you can see is 2 people commenting on things they know nothing about? ROFLMAO

 

Let's see now:

 

1) you have a 2 yr old daughter

Yes I do

2) you openly admit that most of the reasons you want to shack up with your b/f of 1.5 yrs is due to financial reasons and to no longer have to live at home

When did I say they were my main reasons?? Don't assume because I said they were one of the reasons they are my only or main reasons

3) you said previously that you're depressed because you're not living with him

I said I was depressed because I had alot on my mind and not being able to talk to him about it was upsetting, as well as the fact I don't get to see him much. I was more depressed that I didn't have the option to talk, rather than that I couldn't live with him

4) you said that you're only happy when you're spending time with him

Not true, I said that my happiest times were when he was over. When we are a family. This doesn't mean everything else isn't happy. Your assumption not mine.

5) he's told you that he doesn't believe in marriage, but also (according to what YOU WROTE HERE) that he wants to be together forever with you but "does not ever want to marry." Do the math.

I never said he doesn't believe in marriage. We just have no plans to marry and we are both fine with that. Who knows it could change but at the moment we don't plan on it, and don't lust after it

6) He's told you that when he gets his own house, you're welcome to stay over whenever, but he wants to know that you 'still have somewhere to go' (in other words, don't get too comfortable)

In other words, he hasn't told me. Call me stupid but there are alot of factors in this relationship which make this "message" very blurred

7) you lived together once, it didn't work out

He said that when the lease was up he wasn't sure if he wanted to live with me. There was alot of strain on us back then, an I left before the lease was up and we never actually spoke about it. he has mentioned this and how I left before we could talk about it

8) he's made it crystal clear that he's not wanting to live with you yet you can't seem to get this through your head; you still think you need to 'have a talk'

That is the thing. He hasn't. Of course we still need to talk....why do you assume that we shouldn't talk about this? We need to talk about this and alot of other things, because they are important and interfering in our relationship

[Master Chief]

Originally posted by Just A Girl2

Men detest clingy, whiny, needy, dependent, codependent women.

 

Ding ding ding - congratulations! You've just won the solid gold kewpie doll.

 

- MC

[Just A Girl2]

Hello? Look at what you posted the other day:

 

[color=blue]He talks about not living togther until people are married[/color], because then 'you HAVE to get along' and because that is what his parents did. Yet he talks about how we will be together for ever just never get married.

 

Let's see.

 

1) he talks about people not living together until they are married. So in other words, he doesn't think people should live together UNTIL they are married.

 

2) He then goes on to say that he'll be with you forever "just never get married." Don't you get it? If he thinks that people shouldn't live together unless married, but he says that he doesnt ever want to get married to you, then DING DING DING.....he's saying, in a roundabout way, that he doesn't want to live together.

 

Now you're changing what he supposedly said to:

 

I never said he doesn't believe in marriage. We just have no plans to marry and we are both fine with that. Who knows it could change but at the moment we don't plan on it, and don't lust after it

 

Semantics. He said he's not going to marry you. Man, you're in a lot of denial !!!!

 

You say the following:

 

When did I say they were my main reasons?? Don't assume because I said they were one of the reasons they are my only or main reasons

 

Um, actually, you DID write that "most of them" (reasons you want to live with him) have to do with financial and living at home. I took "most of them" to mean that the vast majority of the reasons you're so hellbent on getting him to change his mind about living with you is due to THESE reasons.

 

That is the thing. He hasn't. Of course we still need to talk....why do you assume that we shouldn't talk about this? We need to talk about this and alot of other things, because they are important and interfering in our relationship

 

Yes he has!!!! LOL Hello? He told you that when he DOES get his new place, you can stay over whenever you want but that he basically likes the idea that (as you wrote) "you still have someplace to go." GO where? What he means is.......that you won't be there permanently, and that if at any time he wants his space, he can simply ask you to leave and go back home.

 

If you still want to insist that he hasn't told you, either directly or indirectly that he doesn't want to live with you, you really need to give your head a good shake. YOu're obviously interpreting his words to feed your fantasies and delusions. He couldn't be more clear unless he put a neon sign on your front lawn.

 

But hey, knock yourself out. Go throw yourself at his feet and cry and beg him to let you move in with him if it makes you feel better. Have 3,452 "talks" with him.......maybe one day you'll wear him down and to shut you up, he'll agree to let you move in....and then he'll be filled with resentment and bitterness and he'll feel smothered and stifled and that he's "tied down" when he doesn't want to be, and doesn't know how to ask you and your daughter to move out.......so he bites his tongue and becomes more and more discontented and bugged...and you'll drift apart, and he'll become more distant........and there'll be lots more "talks" and maybe some fights where you're crying and begging him to "talk" to you...........and everything will be coming up sunshine and roses. Not.

 

Good luck!!

[Kat]

We had the talk and who wants a gold star????

He doesn't want to live with me.

[clia]

You had the talk?

 

I thought you weren't going to do that. (Bad girl! Twenty whacks with a hickory stick! )

 

I don't want a gold star, though. I wish I would've been wrong. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

[Kat]

We spoke in length, and it was heated (as any good talk should be).

I am very black and white about things, and he is very grey. He is concentrating on his career, so in 5 or so years time he can support his family, which he said he wants to be me and Hope.

 

He doesn't want to live with me right now because he isn't focused on his family right now, and he doesn't want to say that maybe I can move in gradually because as I said, I am very black and white. If he said "Over say 2 years you could move in" if I wasn't in, in exactly 2 years I would bring it up.

 

I hope it all works out, and I can't wait for him to get his place so I can visit.

 

But I guess I just have to accept what he wants, and accept the fact that even though I want it, he isn't prepared to work on it.

 

So is life in a relationship. Someone always has to give!