Teacher-student relationships

[kindakonfused]

So...I know this is going to be touchy, and Im ashamed to be in this situation but am approaching it extemely carefully...

 

Im 24 years old. Im a High School teacher. As pathetic as it may sound...I think Im falling for a student. Shes 18 and graduating in a few weeks. No nothing has happened...no nothing will happen...but I dont know what to do. I dont treat her differently...everything right now is internal. We get along very well, always laughing, Im a music teacher so all students and teachers are very close.

 

Now...Im a teacher and no the implications of all of this. Im never alone with her, Ive denied facebook and myspace requests, There is no outside of school communication. But I dont know what to do.

 

My last serious relationship ended 2 years ago and was 5 years long. Since then I havent had anyone and have concentrated greatly on my work.

 

I dont know what to do about this. I keep typing things and erasing here because Im so unsure. I know the situation is taboo and unethical, but at the same time...the feeling is great. Any ideas? Anyone know of a similar situation?

[Touche]

This is such a no-brainer that I'm surprised you didn't come up with it yourself. Can't you wait a few weeks until she graduates and isn't your student anymore? Make a date with her after she graduates.

 

There problem solved.

 

I actually had a crush on a substitute teacher when I was in high school. He was young and a little flirty. I bumbed into him a couple of years out of high school and we went out a few times. Turned out he wasn't my cup of tea but anyway, at that point there was nothing wrong with it. Had we dated, while I was in high school that would have been very wrong.

 

So just wait the few weeks. In the meantime don't do anything improper.

[kindakonfused]

Well...yea...I know that. That would be easy. Very easy. And very obvious.

 

The situation is that Im a teacher who would be dating a former student (if it came to that). Its more of the stigma that goes with that. How would I be looked at by my colleagues and peers, how would I be looked at by my students.

[Touche]

Well...yea...I know that. That would be easy. Very easy. And very obvious.

 

The situation is that Im a teacher who would be dating a former student (if it came to that). Its more of the stigma that goes with that. How would I be looked at by my colleagues and peers, how would I be looked at by my students.

 

First of all, why would they even have to know? Are you having announcement cards made up or something?

 

Secondly, I don't see why you should care what other people think at that point anyway. It wouldn't be wrong. I've heard of married couples who met that way (teacher/ex-student.)

 

Why is it your students business, or anyone else's for that matter, who you see on your own time? You can be discreet if what other people think bothers you so much.

[Craig]

The situation is that Im a teacher who would be dating a former student (if it came to that). Its more of the stigma that goes with that. How would I be looked at by my colleagues and peers, how would I be looked at by my students.

 

Some would suspect that a relationship had been formed before she graduated, some would spread rumors about you and her, some would be accepting and consider it no ones business but your own and hers. You'll likely get the full range of emotion directed at you.

 

From my point of view (and it's just one persons POV) if you dated her right out of high school you would be taking advantage of your former position as her "very close" teacher.

 

Not that it matters but how likely is it that she would even consider dating someone six years older than she is when she is just out of high school?

 

However if you started dating this soon to be ex student that you were "very close" to in high school a couple years from now I don't think that any tongues would wag.

 

The best situation would be like Touches...bumping into her a couple of years from now and then dating.

 

What does "Im a music teacher so all students and teachers are very close." mean? I've had music teachers and none of them were "close" with me.

[Touche]

Good post, Craig. You made some good points.

 

And I too wondered about that last bit. I was never close to my music teachers either. Why would a music teacher be any closer to his/her students than any other type of teacher?

[kepners]

right, straight up your in the ticket seats for pull hotties, but remember one golden fact, this will blow up in your face, when her rents find out or when she dumps you!

i dont want to point out the obvious, but your job need great strength of character! and i for one KNOW i wouldnt be able to do that job, tempation would get to me! i know with women they are my weakness.

YOU cant do this, i know this is going against the grain, and freeness of love on here, but brother think about this!! these women are testing themselves on you testing there will to see how sexual they are! see what there worth is.

 

i had an ex girlfriend who fancied her uncle... not blood, went after him like this girl is supposidly after you... similar ages as well! then! when he made his MOVE! she freak out!!! its the fantasy!!! it was the fantasy in her head...

 

i am sorry, this is what i think, ur not working in a candy store where you pick and choose women etc,your job is to teach and to control yourself. honestly you need to get out and find real women, thats your problem! ur surrronding yoru self in this situation and thinking this is your only option.

 

i mean how are you going to feel when she gets a little drunk and gets with someone her own age etc... your going to be crushed... now that not to say it wont happen with another woman, but younger girls seriously have less idea what they want for themselves than you do! i dont want you to make a mess. get an older woman, cant go wrong with a sexy ass milf.

 

well, its ur deal, i dont want you thinking its going to be ok and fine and its your only option.

[LN99]

Now, I have had music teachers that I was close with in high school. I can see how the mutual love of music can bring you close together. Nothing ever happened though. Right now I am in college and I am pretty close with one of my program instructors(he is male). But, we keep it purely professional. There is a line you just don't cross, like hanging out together outside of school or communicating through email about anything non school related. It seems you already realize what that line is.

 

Once she is out of your class though, there really is nothing holding you back. She is a legal adult, and not a student of yours. The only thing might be how it looks to others seeing as she was a former student of yours. If you let some time pass before getting involved with her, it might not be frowned upon as much. If you jump at the opportunity after graduation, it may look like you two had something going on all along OR that you favored her and she "earned" that "A". So, maybe wait awhile or something. But, all in all, it could be worth a shot. Good Luck!

[kindakonfused]

Thank you for all the responses.

let me explain the "Im a music teacher so all students and teachers are very close" comment. As a music teacher we have many rehearsals, many extended periods of time together with students. These rehearsals result in concerts and performances and auditions and emotional ups and downs that many other academic teachers will never experience with other students. Many students are in every ensemble that I teach and therefore, I could spend 12 hours a week outside of school with them. Thats what I mean by we're close. Because the music department is a home away from home, Im trusted and let in on secrets and problems and a friend to them more so than a math or science teacher. Thats all I mean by that. Its not just with one student....but with 50.

 

I agree that immediately following graduation seems suspicious and will raise eyebrows. Im also convinced that this is unethical to do and really have not considered doing it.

However, the problem remains as far as dealing with the feelings of admiration, as well as the feelings of guilt that i may have feelings for a student...Im not a pervert and yet I feel like one.

[LN99]

First of all, I remember the after school practices and rehearsals. The solo ensembles etc. I remember how happy we were to make it to state my jr. yr of high school for our accapella triple trio. I remember we spent a lot of time with our music teachers during that time. Our teachers also knew about our personal lives to an extent. We were all pretty open. (I say teachers because we had 3 different ones during my 4 yrs in high school.) It was fun times though. I didn't carry a torch for any of them though.

 

As for you feeling like your a pervert. Don't. You're only human. Now I can understand spending time w/ a student who is admirable would make you feel something. Ever see Mr. Holland's Opus? Good movie btw, but EVEN he had some feelings for one of his students. It happens. I know its not exactly the same situation as what your going through, but it does happen. Some of the students probably look at you as admirable and probably have feelings for you as well. I know that is my situation w/ one of my instructors. You bond over something you both are passionate about and before you know it, one of you or both start to feel something. But as long as your in that position of power over her, she is off limits. But afterwards, anything is possible. If you do decide to pursue her, you certainly don't have to tell people, but they may find out by seeing you around w/ her. It could be awkward. But as others have said, that is how some people met their significant others. I guess its all up to you and what you decide to do about it. Honestly though, I don't think of you as a pervert. She is an adult and she won't be your student anymore at the time. It's just a matter of what you decide to do about these feelings.

[kepners]

mate u keep them toughts etc where they are, we all have wicked thougths it comes being human, but the difference between normal people and say peodo's or murders is that we know what they are! just thoughts and not messages to act on them.

there is nothing wrong with fancying someone!! just in ur job thats all you can do. you need to get out and meet MILF and peopel your own age! u will reaslise that 17/18 year old is firm body only.... not much else. when women are so much more!!!

[miniature giraffe]

i think your honesty and precaution are really good to see. sadly it's a fact of life that people will judge us and take certain perceptions with some r'ships we might decide to pursue in this life. it's tough i agree.

 

obviously once she's graduated she is (technically) free to do what she wants, but there is obviously the issue of her parents, your colleagues, etc.

 

initially i think, you could probably get away with keeping things quiet and see how things develop. however if you both got serious and decided to try and make it work out longer term, then i think peers and family and other associated should respect that.

 

the age gap isn't too extreme, and i think if you can both look past peoples' narrow minded judgements then you could potentially be very happy.

 

as someone pointed out, yes it is likely the nasty rumours could start - that it started before she gradauted, that you have breached duty as a teacher by pursuing this r'ship......

 

i guess at the end of the day it's really your call. so far it sounds as though you're on the right track.

[Lizzie60]

with a college director (I was a student)... I even had a daughter with him... so if I were you... I would wait until she's out of school.

 

You're awfully young to be a high school teacher so opportunities like that will always be in your face..you have to build yourself a good 'defence system' against all those pretty girls and some of them will do anything to make you 'fall' for them.

[hardcase]

So...I know this is going to be touchy, and Im ashamed to be in this situation but am approaching it extemely carefully...

 

Im 24 years old. Im a High School teacher. As pathetic as it may sound...I think Im falling for a student. Shes 18 and graduating in a few weeks. No nothing has happened...no nothing will happen...but I dont know what to do. I dont treat her differently...everything right now is internal. We get along very well, always laughing, Im a music teacher so all students and teachers are very close.

 

Now...Im a teacher and no the implications of all of this. Im never alone with her, Ive denied facebook and myspace requests, There is no outside of school communication. But I dont know what to do.

 

My last serious relationship ended 2 years ago and was 5 years long. Since then I havent had anyone and have concentrated greatly on my work.

 

I dont know what to do about this. I keep typing things and erasing here because Im so unsure. I know the situation is taboo and unethical, but at the same time...the feeling is great. Any ideas? Anyone know of a similar situation?

 

Well...she is your student which makes her hands off. No exceptions even though she is 18.

 

Now there is only 6 years between you. If you think there is something between you...you can always pursue a relationship after graduation...but not right after...give it a year.

 

But then again...she's young...she hasn't gotten out and mixed it up. She will be going to college, maybe, and if she does...she's going to be around alot of college guys.

 

So my final advice would be to leave it alone. Unless she gets in college and all either of you want is to date casually without any committments...hey, no problem....but a serious relationship with someone who is only 18?....they never seem to work out.

[kindakonfused]

I now that student = hands off. Theres no doubt about that. I even know that pursuing anything would be very risky. Especially with people finding out. Yes, a year down the line who knows. What sucks though is that i hvae the feelings now and its just trying to deal with them, because i dont want them...and yet it makes them that much stronger.

[VnusMars]

I echo the idea that the student/teacher thing is of far less importance than her age and next steps in life.

18 is way to young to be doing anything but casually dating, having fun, and GROWING UP.

I would suspect that even if she did return the feelings, and was out of school, and something started...just a year into college and she would be having second thoughts.

 

She's just too young mentally and emotionally at that age. Give her a few years to mature and then see what happens.

[Apple Blossom]

I think that as a young teacher, as many have said, you are in a very difficult position. But I think you have done absolutely nothing wrong - you are obvious very concious of the lines, and not crossing them, and because of your feelings, which seem to be very intense, you should be congradulated for this - too many people would have given into temptaion - you haven't, so really don't beat yourself up over this!

 

Whilst embarking on a romantic relationship as soon as she graduates is probably not the wisest course of action, there is nothing wrong with staying in touch. Emailing and such - asking her how her college applications are going (if she is going), how she's enjoying the summer.

 

I am still in touch with some of my teachers from highschool (although slightly different, as there is no attraction there), as are a number of other people I know, not just those who I went to school with, but others who went to different schools/colleges.

 

But yup - i would say don't beat yourself up over your feelings - you can't help who you fall for, and had you met her in a coffee shop and you weren't a teacher - there would be very little problem! So don't feel bad.

 

I would suggest just keeping in touch with her, and then slowly seeing how things progress.

[kindakonfused]

Well, a relationship of sorts has started. Shes started to come home on the weeknds from college and spend the night with me. I have not let it go as far as sex...but we do almost everything else.

Whats great is that its not about the physical stuff. We layed in bed for about 5 hours today and did nothing but laugh and talk.

My roommate knows and her college suitemates know. I wont feel completely comfortable until she tells her father...but i dont know when i want that to happen.

[Timberlane]

There has to be some hot Miss Crabapple out there for you, man. Go get her!

 

Oh, and ixnay on telling her father. That would be very, very bad. If she is the type that has to run all boyfriends through meeting the 'rents, then make it plain as day that won't be you.

[Snuggle Tiger]

You are two :bunny: consenting adults and can do what adults do. That might mean no more than you are doing right now.

 

Because she was a student of yours, I think you owe it to her to tread lightly, this goes double if she is a virgin! Should you get more involved and then end up dumping her, she might feel you groomed her during your prior student-teacher relationship.

 

I attended a concert put on by a college student who is a former student of a local high school music teacher. He was the percussion instructor for the marching band and symphonic bands.

 

Anyway, he was with one of his former students, a recent graduate.

 

I did a double take and that was it. Nobody else seemed to bat an eye.

 

I hope they are happy together. :love:

[LucreziaBorgia]

I wont feel completely comfortable until she tells her father...but i dont know when i want that to happen.

 

Take your time on this one. On one hand, yes you are consenting adults and you aren't doing anything wrong. Her father, however may wonder if you were messing with her when she wasn't a consenting adult when it was something that would have been wrong - and you have somehow influenced her to be with you when she wouldn't have otherwise. Its not to say something is wrong with your character. Its simply to say that parents tend to be protective over their children when it comes to something like this. I'm sure her father still puts you in a teacher and caregiver context, and will think of your relationship with her in these terms. Its only natural that he would think that way. He won't always think that way, though. Just give it time. It is still so new.

 

As for your relationship with her, protect your heart - young girls gone off to college are transitioning on many levels, and the spark that you and she had before may well change and die as she grows emotionally in her college years. The last thing you want is to be some latent fantasy that she ditches off as soon as the novelty wears off.

[Aintayankee]

Keep in mind that she probably doesn't have the same kind of feelings towards you.

[kindakonfused]

In reference to the protective parent comment. Yes. That is why Im not rushing to tell. I still think of me as a caregiver sometimes so I can definitley see him thinking that way. My point was only that its not an honest relationship in the normal sense because we cant be very open about it.

As for the feelings thing. My heart is well guarded. Im well aware of the college angst and trends. I was there. I know how this COULD be a novelty for her. I truly dont think it is. But im not thinking of the future, im not planning a family, im doing nothing like that. Ive been single for 2 years and this is just enjoyable. Thats all Im looking at it as. If it lasts, it lasts, if not, thats ok. Im not completely invested although I do have feelings for her.

[Timberlane]

I think you sound pretty level headed about the whole thing. Good luck with it.

[Jinnah]

I may be wrong, but I do not really see a problem. If she is 18 and now graduated, who cares. ?? I don't. I don't think my dad would care if my husband were 6 years older... that's actually not too big of an age difference. It's the fornicating I have a problem with (if you eventually do)... I'm sure that's going to be her dad's problem as well... shotgun wedding anyone? LOL.

 

Anyway, check with the policies of the school... do they have a problem if it's a FORMER student... they shouldn't... it's not like you are some old pervert.