Its hard having to start all over again

[Cardinal64]

Hi.

 

I'm in the process of divorcing my wife due to her cheating on me.

Believe me its not an easy thing ending a marriage that you had hoped would have lasted a life time. But at some point you have to face reality and admit that the person you married - or thought you married - just does not exist anymore.

 

Having to start all over again - after youv'e been out of the dating scene for so long - can seem so damned uncomfortable - sort of like the proverbial '"fish out of water".. But unless you choose to remain single for the rest of our life, it's something that you must face.

 

Sometimes, I find myself longing for the life I had before with my wife.

But that life is history. What was - was.

 

Sorry

Just can get depressed at times - feeling sorry for myself.

I know that eventually things will get better.

[michael's_pain]

Hi.

 

I'm in the process of divorcing my wife due to her cheating on me.

Believe me its not an easy thing ending a marriage that you had hoped would have lasted a life time. But at some point you have to face reality and admit that the person you married - or thought you married - just does not exist anymore.

 

Having to start all over again - after youv'e been out of the dating scene for so long - can seem so damned uncomfortable - sort of like the proverbial '"fish out of water".. But unless you choose to remain single for the rest of our life, it's something that you must face.

 

Sometimes, I find myself longing for the life I had before with my wife.

But that life is history. What was - was.

 

Sorry

Just can get depressed at times - feeling sorry for myself.

I know that eventually things will get better.

 

Cardinals64, first know that I am a Met fan, but I'm also a brother of yours as a victim of infidelity. So that supercedes baseball alliances.

 

I am right with you...just found out last week the WW cheated, and am dumbfounded by beginning life all over again. But you are wiser and smarter now. You are a defined, singular person who has needs, feelings, hopes and dreams. That life you had with your wife was a poor subsititute for what you REALLY need, and that's whay you need to dust yourself off and jump into the water WHEN YOU ARE READY. In the meantime, read these posts, take time for you to take care of yourself and reconnect with the person you are. You will find out that in the process of your last marriage, the person you became might not be the person you want to be. BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE, and know that someone will love you for that person and not for the wrong reasons.

 

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THE SITUTION.

[ilmw]

Cardinals64, first know that I am a Met fan, but I'm also a brother of yours as a victim of infidelity. So that supercedes baseball alliances.

 

I am right with you...just found out last week the WW cheated, and am dumbfounded by beginning life all over again. But you are wiser and smarter now. You are a defined, singular person who has needs, feelings, hopes and dreams. That life you had with your wife was a poor subsititute for what you REALLY need, and that's whay you need to dust yourself off and jump into the water WHEN YOU ARE READY. In the meantime, read these posts, take time for you to take care of yourself and reconnect with the person you are. You will find out that in the process of your last marriage, the person you became might not be the person you want to be. BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE, and know that someone will love you for that person and not for the wrong reasons.

 

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THE SITUTION.

 

YES...absolutely Mp.. Great Post !

[Delarocha]

Cardinal64, really a great post.

 

For some reason I woke up today, got ready for the day, and for no real reason at all broke down and cried for a while. Sometimes it makes me sick how weak I feel, and how at times like this I feel like I'm simply wallowing in self pity. Sometimes I feel ready to move on with my life and other times I feel completely stuck in the past. The more I reflect on my situation the more bitter I become that the person I married didn't even try. I have always thought I was more or less fearless when it came to life. Lately I realized that couldn't be further from the truth. In the past week I see that I am scared to death of being alone forever. I know that right now at this moment I am not ready to date and find someone, and I am just terrified that I will never be ready. I have never been good at dating and don't really even know when, where, or how to begin. I DO know that I want someone to share my life with, but pretty much every relationship I have ever had has ended with me being dumped.

 

I don't know, I'm just having a particularly rough day. I keep trying to do all the "right" things to dust myself off and get on with life (as my STBXW has), but everytime I get to my feet I fall again.

 

Does anyone else out there feel this way? Just scared that you'll be alone forever? Scared you won't ever be able to trust anyone enough to let them possibly hurt you again? I feel like this fear is eating away at who I really am and yet I can't seem to escape it.

[sumdude]

Does anyone else out there feel this way? Just scared that you'll be alone forever? Scared you won't ever be able to trust anyone enough to let them possibly hurt you again? I feel like this fear is eating away at who I really am and yet I can't seem to escape it.

 

Yep, I'd bet almost everyone here has had those thoughts and feelings at times. I know I have.... It's an effort of will power to control them. You have to take control ..... fake it till you make it. What I think you have to do is focus on everything else in your life and make that better. Your career, freinds, family, finances, hobbies what have you. Take the focus away from relationships. The irony in life is always that love will find you the second you stop looking for it. Love is nice but not a necessity....

 

Also, get pissed ..... not bitter but dammit they screwed up! They go out of their way to break you down to justify thier own sh***y actions. Just human nature.. Whatever you might have done wrong is usualy small compared with the betrayal, lying etc. they have perpetrated.

[Delarocha]

...Also, get pissed ..... not bitter but dammit they screwed up! They go out of their way to break you down to justify thier own sh***y actions. ...

 

I am admittedly a bit embarrassed at my last post, as I am always more depressed early in the morning. It's just odd that I have been obsessing over "starting over" lately and boom, a topic appears about it.

 

Anyway, sumdude I DO want to be able to think "hey, she screwed up". I think I have a lot to offer people around me, but I have this whole self esteem issue I need to work out. It's hard because it's not like I can just go to the store and fill up on confidence. I guess it's something I will have to rebuild over time. I do not blame my STBXW wife for "breaking me down" as I certainly allowed it to happen. I guess I operated my life under the false idea that allowing someone to ALWAYS get their way would equal their happiness. Unfortunately, the lesson I learned is this is simply viewed as weakness (and in fact IS weakness.)

 

Learning new social skills at this stage in life is certainly turning out to be a more daunting task than I could have ever imagined.

[sumdude]

I am admittedly a bit embarrassed at my last post, as I am always more depressed early in the morning. It's just odd that I have been obsessing over "starting over" lately and boom, a topic appears about it.

 

Anyway, sumdude I DO want to be able to think "hey, she screwed up". I think I have a lot to offer people around me, but I have this whole self esteem issue I need to work out. It's hard because it's not like I can just go to the store and fill up on confidence. I guess it's something I will have to rebuild over time. I do not blame my STBXW wife for "breaking me down" as I certainly allowed it to happen. I guess I operated my life under the false idea that allowing someone to ALWAYS get their way would equal their happiness. Unfortunately, the lesson I learned is this is simply viewed as weakness (and in fact IS weakness.)

 

Learning new social skills at this stage in life is certainly turning out to be a more daunting task than I could have ever imagined.

 

I think what you really learned is that she simply couldn't appreciate what she was being given. Maybe you were a little weak at times ... perhaps. Or maybe she was just incapale of not being selfish? She is actually weaker than you. Don't buy into everything she broke you down with man. There may be tiny kernels of truth to some of it but I bet at least 90% was just her justifying her actions.

[Gunny376]

Its really not? Having been single and divorced for seventeen years ~ its really about as hard as you choose to make it?! It really is your choice! You each have the ability to choose to make it as easy or as hard as your want it to be.

 

What you have to do is to re-invent yourself. Or, you can choose not to make the necessary changes and adaptations and remain stuck! Really, its just that freaking simple ~ the choice is yours!

 

Re-invention holds the promise of one of the most fundamental truths of the Universe. "Change Happens!"

 

Change means movement, in so long as your moving in a direction you want for yourself ~ then your in line with the Universe, and the Universe is moving in the direction it was meant to be.

 

Personal change is the basis of your happiness. You can't grow without changing. Change who you are now, and who you will be for the rest of your life.

 

Change is inevitable, personal growth is intentional and purposeful.

Living is the process of becoming, becoming the person that you were meant to be ~ destined to be. The most important change is self change, if you're moving forward, making changes. constantly dedicated to growing, identifying your weaknesses and seeking to over-come them, then you're becoming the man that you were destined to be.

 

When all is said and done ~ its up to you to choose whether these changes that you’re going through is going to be hard or easy.

You’re not the first to have gone through this ~ and you damn sure won’t be the last. You’ll go through it over and over again unless all three of your learn from the pain and lessons at hand that need to be taught.

 

I was married for twelve years, shacked up with another for six and half (won’t be doing that ever again). Personally? I would rather be single, happy, and alone than I would be married, un-happy and alone. I’ve learned (albeit ~ the hard way ~ my way ~I’m hardheaded) that you don’t have to be by yourself to be alone!).

 

When it comes to dating ~ it really is just a numbers game ~ and yea your going to get shot down more than not ~ but you’ll be surprised at how many won’t shut you down.

 

Its important that before you wrap it around your head and about its not just about you’ve got to learn ~ but what you’ve got to un-learn, which is all the myths, fallacies, and outright lies that you’ve been taught over the course of your life about dating, mating, women. (Which is a lot of what you currently believe) For instance, physical attractiveness, it means much, much more to men than it does a woman. A guy that’s average, but who has his inner game worked out, and confidence etc will win over a ten that doesn’t have his inner game worked out, and lacks confidence. Their looks might get then to the "meet and greet" but a lot of them blow the sale the first time they open their mouths ~ game over!

 

The first thing you need to grasp is that being single has a lot of advantages over being married. And you need to work on that part of your life. If your not successful at being happy single, how the Hell are you going to be successful being married.? That’s being "needy" and looking for someone else to fill some hole(s) in your life that is your responsibility to fill.

 

You don’t get married because of "I love you because I need you!" but because of "I need you because I love you!" And, yes I realize it sounds that sounds like the same thing ~ but its not! And when you understand it, you’ll have an "Ahhhaaa" moment.

 

Breathing, a fear of heights, are about the only two things that are "instinctive" to the human existence ~ everything else from being taught how to be potty trained, feed ourselves, etc is learned and has to be taught.

 

When it comes to dating, mating, marriage, interpersonal interactions with women ~ most men learned what they know in the locker room or on the street. Few of us ever had someone take us up under their wing.

 

One of the things that you’ve got to do is to not focus on the end ~ but the means. You focus on the end (again just like in sales) you’ll "squirrel the deal" everytime! Focus on the means, and the steps, and leave no stone un-turned. If you miss a step, blow it off ~ adapt, improvise and overcome ~ move on.

 

This again holds true in moving from your former married life to be single ~ its about concentrating on the means rather than the end!

[ilmw]

You never cease to amaze Gunns.... another awesome post!

[Gunny376]

I am admittedly a bit embarrassed at my last post, as I am always more depressed early in the morning. It's just odd that I have been obsessing over "starting over" lately and boom, a topic appears about it.

 

You're embarrassed over being a human being? For having a heart, a soul, feelings, emotions? WTF, who do you think you are? Mr. Freaking Spock?

 

You've got to work through your greif over the lost of your marriage, your wife, the betrayal, the lies, the deceit! You've got to grieve for the lost of the promise of the life the two of you once shared up!

 

If you weren't doing some crying and feeling down about the situation, I'd personally be a little worried about you! If anger is the only emotion that you can express ~ that's not good my man ~ not good at all!

[Woggle]

Just be glad to get rid of her. Start going out and enjoying yourself instead of being depressed over a woman who isn't worth it anyway.

[Teddy and Jane]

Just be glad to get rid of her. Start going out and enjoying yourself instead of being depressed over a woman who isn't worth it anyway.

 

As easy as it is to tell someone to just snap out of it, it doesn't really work that way. Emotions are a complicated thing.

[ilmw]

As easy as it is to tell someone to just snap out of it, it doesn't really work that way. Emotions are a complicated thing.

 

Very true.

 

Woggle... how long did it take you to truly get over your ex... before you were able to get back out there.. and meet your wife?

[Trimmer]

Sometimes, I find myself longing for the life I had before with my wife.

But that life is history. What was - was.

I think there are different ways of approaching this, and putting it into its place. One is:

 

Just be glad to get rid of her. Start going out and enjoying yourself instead of being depressed over a woman who isn't worth it anyway.

...which I think is a form of denial. This attitude can also grow into convincing yourself that it was all a lie, all an illusion, that she wasn't ever worth it. It's basically the male tendency to destroy something we can't get control of.

 

On the other hand,

You've got to work through your greif over the lost of your marriage, your wife, the betrayal, the lies, the deceit! You've got to grieve for the lost of the promise of the life the two of you once shared up!

This is a loss, of perhaps the most significant thing in your life other than yourself. Expect the grief to be strong, immense - sometimes overpowering. Sometimes it will be anger - there's nothing unusual about that, and you can work through it, too - but I hope for you that anger isn't your only outlet.

 

And I know this may not be a universally popular opinion, especially among betrayed and "left" spouses (of which I have experienced both), but I believe that in most marriages, there is still something good to be honored. In my case, although there is unambiguously no going back, I can still remember and honor what we were at one time. Even though I now see it through different lenses, I see that it was not exactly what I thought it was, and I see the imperfections and rough edges that I was blind to at the time, there was still something good and close and human there that I'm not going to throw away and insulate myself from out of my anger, to protect myself from feeling the loss.

 

Move on? Absolutely yes. Have confidence, and grow yourself back to being a whole, strong individual again? Definitely. But accept ownership of your past (what I'm talking about here is different from the responsibility for what has happened...) - even once you get working through it and moving on, your past will still be a part of you. Don't hide from it behind a shield of anger, bitterness or denial. I believe you can come to peace with it, and grieve and move past the loss, while still honoring the good.

[Gunny376]

Resources For Getting Back Into Single Life

 

Goggle Carlos Xuma's "Secret's of the Alphap Male" and "Dating Dynamics"

and David DeAngleo's "Double Your Dating"

 

I personally prefer David Program. You first get an e-book, and then you get an audio program called "Interview With The Dating Guru's". He has other audio series that you can order. Available in CD's or DVD's. Some titles are (of David's Program). If nothing else ~ I'd highly recommend the CD titled:"Cockly Comedy And Other Communication Skills"

 

Books

 

 

"The Dating Handbook: 2002 Things To Do On A Date, From Fun, Sometimes Silly, Romantic, To the Unique" by Cyndi Haynes & Dale Edwards, ISBN 1-55850-131-2

 

"How To Attract Anyone, Anytime, Anyplace ~ The Smart Guide To Flirting"by Susan Ranbin with Barbara Lagowsku ISBN 0-452-27086-3

 

 

"How To Meet The Right Woman ~ A Five Step Strategy That Really Works" by Roger Ratcliff, David Conaway And Daina Ohlsson ISBN 0-8065-2021-3

 

"Body Language" by Julius Fast ISBN 0-671-67325-4 (This one's a classic that's stood the test of time)

 

"How To Succed With Women" by Ron Louis and David Copeland ISBN 0-13-095091-2

 

"The Complete Guid To Everything Romantic" ~ A Book For Lovers" by Michael Newman ISBN 0-8065-1547-3

 

All of the following are by Gregory J. P. Godek all recommended

 

"Rommance 101 ~ Lesson In Love" ISBN 0-9629803-8-2

 

"1001 Ways To Be Rommantic" ISBN 0-9629803-0-7

 

"1001 More Ways To Be Rommantic" ISBN 0-9629803-2-3

 

"How To Rommance The Woman You Love -The Way She Want You To! by Lucy Sanna with Kathy Miller ISBN 1-55958-664-8

 

"How To Read A Person Like A Book" by Geral L. Nierenber and Henry H Calero, ISBN 0-671-73557-8

 

"Secrets of Seduction" by Brenda Venus ISBN 0-525-93601-7

 

"Guerrilla Dating Tactics" by Sharon Wolf ISBN 0-452-28011-7

 

"How To Satisfy A Woman Every Time.......and have her beg for more!" by Naura Hayden ISBN 0-942104-01-3

 

"MayFloweR Manners ~ Etiquette For Consenting Adults" by Sydney Biddle Barrows (Yep ~ THE one and only Mayflower Madium) ISBN 0-385-41745-4

 

"The Fine Art Of Flirting" by Joyce Jillson ISBN 0-671-62752-X

 

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes ISBN 0-8092-3211-1

 

The following I'm including because the primary way most of us meet women is through other people:

 

"The Art of The Shmooze ~ A Savy Social Guide For Getting To The Top"

"Learn the new 90's Etiquette for communicartng with Bosses, Corporate Titans, Celeberities, Romantic Interests................without being intimidated." by Bret Saxon & Steve Steim ISBN 1-56171-976-5

 

"The Secrets of Savy Networking" by Susan Roane ISBN 0-446-39410-6

 

The following are generic:

 

"Complete Idiots Guide To Handling A Breakup" by Rosanne Rose ISBN 0-0286298-0

 

Don't go crazy with this one, but,.......................

 

"How To Win Back The One You Love" by Eric Weber & Steven S. Simring. M.D. ISBN 0-02-624700-3

 

I'm including the following for those of you are tired of eating out, or eating pizza and other such crap, but don't know how to boil water. Its a series of books from Men's Health Magazine. and when you do get around to dating again ~ you'll impress the ladies.

 

"A Man, A Can, A Plan ~ Fifty Great Guy Meals Even You Can Make!" by David Joachim ISBN 1-57954-607-2

 

"A Man, A Can, A Microwave ~ Fifty Tasty Meals You Can Nuke In No Time!" by David Joachim ISBN 1-57954-892-X

 

"A Man, A Can, A Grill ~ 50 No-Sweat Meals You Can Fire Up Fast" by

David Joachim ISBN 1-57954-767-2

 

"Campbells 1-2-3 Dinner" ISBN 1-4127-2108-3

 

For housecleaning issues I recommend (If you need ideas how to get and stay on top of things)

 

http://www.flylady.net/

 

For financial issues (I'm talking about the reall day to day stuff) I recommend:

 

"Debt Proof Living ~ The Complete Guide To Living Financially Free" ISBN 10-0-9760791-1-9

 

and

 

"Live Your Life For Half The Price ~ Without Scarificing The Life You Love"

ISBN 10-0-976079-0-0

 

Both by Mary Hunt and both

 

also

 

"Deal With Your Debt ~ The Right Way To Manage Your Bills and Pay Off What You Owe" Liz Pulliam Weston ISBN 0-13-185675-8

 

Finally

 

"The Art Of Living Single"by Michael S. Broder, Edward & Beechet Claflin ISBN 0380709333

[Woggle]

Very true.

 

Woggle... how long did it take you to truly get over your ex... before you were able to get back out there.. and meet your wife?

 

I was over her within a few months. Her cheating put the whole marriage in perspective and made me realize that she never treated me well so I was glad to have her out of my life. A month after the divorce a coupe of friends and I went down to Montreal and we had a blast so I got over it pretty quick. I just refuse to waste my energy and tears on a woman that isn't worth it.

[Trimmer]

Jeez, Gunny - by the time he gets through that reading list, he will have forgotten what the whole issue was in the first place! Hmmm, maybe not a bad plan...

[Delarocha]

All I can say is wow!...

 

What a great topic Cardinal. Reading your post really mirrors my feelings in a lot of ways. My heart goes out to you.

 

... and to everyone reading and responding; you guys are amazing. Really great stuff to not only read, but try to incorporate into life(even if just bits and pieces at first).

 

Gunny, you should seriously consider writing a book. I'm sure you've heard that before. Hell, maybe you already have a few written.