by purpose of the OM and W forum

[annabelle75]

I’ve lately been checking out this part of the forum and I have been confused by the purpose of it. As in the other forums at this site I thought that this one would be a place for OM and OW that are struggling could come and voice their problems to get support and advice. I was under the impression that this was the purpose for LS.

 

So I am confused that about half of the responses that the people that post here get could pretty , much be summed up with “you are lying whore with no respect for yourself or the sanctity of marriage and deserve all the pain and suffering you receive. “ Perhaps saying half the post are like that is an exaggeration but I have not read a single thread where there are not numerous posts implying these things. I don’t think its fair. I don’t think this forum should be used by those that have been betrayed to harass OM and OW.

 

I don’t think it is in anyway conducive to helping anyone that feels the need to post here. It defeats the purpose. If people feel that the OM and OW who post here are so distasteful than perhaps they should stop reading and posting in this forum. I think the people her would be helped much more by being counseled by those that have been in their situation and can really understand what they are feeling. Attacking them will not make them stop so there is really no point to continuing to do so other than to vent your own bitterness.

 

This is just my two cents. I would also like to point out that this is coming from some one who does not condone extra marital affairs, but at the same time finds no purpose in judging others. I think it is much more constructive to try to understand their perspective and then give them real advice as oppose to attacking them.

[TogetherForever]

Ok, now I guess we get ready for another argument between bs's & ow.

[norajane]

So I am confused that about half of the responses that the people that post here get could pretty , much be summed up with “you are lying whore with no respect for yourself or the sanctity of marriage and deserve all the pain and suffering you receive. “ Perhaps saying half the post are like that is an exaggeration but I have not read a single thread where there are not numerous posts implying these things.

 

This is a public forum, so there will be a spectrum of replies.

 

As I always tell everyone who starts threads like yours, if you would really like to change the percentage of people replying with helpful advice, you can do that by replying to the threads with helpful advice.

[annabelle75]

I just trying to understand what the purpose of this forum is. If an OW went into the Seperation/Divorce forum and decided to start attacking a BS, people would be appalled but here it seems to be accpetable for the reverse to happen.

 

I'm also trying to understand why those that are so against the posters would would feel the need to post here.

[TogetherForever]

From what I could gather, the bs's that post here are trying to sway ow to change. They try to make the ow see the error of their ways. There would be no need for an ow to go onto the Sep/Div board & give advice to a bs.

I, myself do not take the bs posts to heart. (Most of the time I ignore them) I take what advice I need & leave the rest.

[Lizzie60]

I just trying to understand what the purpose of this forum is. If an OW went into the Seperation/Divorce forum and decided to start attacking a BS, people would be appalled but here it seems to be accpetable for the reverse to happen.

 

I'm also trying to understand why those that are so against the posters would would feel the need to post here.

 

From day one I've been wondering the same thing... but, to be honest with you, the posters who are constantly attacking are the one who are insecure. Bitterness makes them look foolish and childish.

 

I have better things to do than to fret over embarassing, arrogant and immature bulllies.

 

I live by my own set of rules.

[annabelle75]

From what I could gather, the bs's that post here are trying to sway ow to change. They try to make the ow see the error of their ways. There would be no need for an ow to go onto the Sep/Div board & give advice to a bs.

I, myself do not take the bs posts to heart. (Most of the time I ignore them) I take what advice I need & leave the rest.

 

I'm glad to hear that. I have an odd point of view on the OW/OM scenario. At one time in my life I unitentionally became the OW. I dated a man long distancely that told me he was seperated from his wife and in the midst of a divorce. I did not find out otherwise until 6 months into the relationship after he had declared me his soul mate and begged me to marry him. When I discovered he was still with his wife and they had only casually discussed seperating I should have just walked away, but by then I thought he was really my soul mate (duh!). I didn't take up the role of OW either. I told him he had to choose and he did. He told his wife about me and began filing for a divorce. A week and a half later, his wife told him she would do "anything" to keep him including allowing him to sleep with other women. He dumped via AIM while I was drinking coffee at work the next morning. Haven't heard from him since. Sadly we had alot of mutual friends who saw him as some sort of hero for deciding to stay with his wife and felt it would be innapropriate to still be friends with me. I not only got dumped by him but by my friends as well. Even though I had unknowingly ended up in the situation, others felt I was wrong to have asked him to choose me when I found out the truth.

 

From my persepctive I can understand how the OW and OM that post here feel. Once you have emotionally invested yourself in a relationship, it doesn't matter what the circumstances are you still feel the same pains and emotions as anyone else in a relationship does. I also think my story serves as a cautinonary tale for those that get so wrapped up in the soul-mate fantasy that they are blinded by the fact that is really only is a fantasy some times.

 

The reason I started this thread in the first place was because I felt felt compelled to post replies here before but was turned off by the attitude and condemnation of many of those here. I'll do my best to not let it get to me and maybe provide some advice and knowledge to those that are struggling in their current situations.

[TogetherForever]

AnnaBellle,

That was a great post!!

Like me, you can chose to bash or zip your lip. If everyone here would think about it for just one second, it'd be such a nicer place to post.

And like I said, I will take what I can use & leave the bull behind.

:)

[Art_Critic]

I’ve lately been checking out this part of the forum and I have been confused by the purpose of it. As in the other forums at this site I thought that this one would be a place for OM and OW that are struggling could come and voice their problems to get support and advice. I was under the impression that this was the purpose for LS.

 

Maybe this will help...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54546/

 

It is pinned at the top of the posts in this forum and it addresses this issue directly I believe.

[Lizzie60]

Maybe this will help...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54546/

 

It is pinned at the top of the posts in this forum and it addresses this issue directly I believe.

 

for the second time now.. but then it makes me wonder how come the mods post that and then don't apply their own 'rules'... strange.

[annabelle75]

Maybe this will help...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54546/

 

It is pinned at the top of the posts in this forum and it addresses this issue directly I believe.

 

I have read it, which is why I am so confused.

[Art_Critic]

I have read it, which is why I am so confused.

 

what confuses you about it ?

[annabelle75]

what confuses you about it ?

 

What it says and what the standard conduct for many posters here don't mesh. Most of the replies people get here are extremely judgemental and not in the spirit I felt this forum was created.

[NearlyThere]

for the second time now.. but then it makes me wonder how come the mods post that and then don't apply their own 'rules'... strange.

 

I have read it, which is why I am so confused.

 

 

I get the impression why you are both confused is the fact that even though there are these guidelines people still continue to post things that you dont consider to be within these said guidelines.

 

People post replies to OW with what they continue to be tough love, which alot of time can be considered harsh, in my experience this is a very fine line and depends on your state of mind at the time, which I think alot of people dont take into account, however, there are several options available, if you believe the post does not fit within the LS guidelines.

 

Ignore the post completely, the person posting it is really of no consequence to you personally or your life. It does not matter what their opinion is.

 

Report the post, this does work, if the mods agree, the post will be removed.

 

Put the poster on the ignore feature, unfortunately, if someone repliies to it you can then see it.

 

Before you reply, "step away from the keyboard" for 15 mins, then think do I need to reply, does it matter. For me this works very well, sometimes I have read things on here, been really mad and wanted to fire off a quick reply, however 15 mins later, couldn't give a toss about it.

 

It does take a while to get used to the OW/OM forum but if you really need advice just post, you will soon see who to ignore and who to listen too.

 

 

 

NT

[norajane]

At one time in my life I unitentionally became the OW. I dated a man long distancely that told me he was seperated from his wife and in the midst of a divorce. I did not find out otherwise until 6 months into the relationship after he had declared me his soul mate and begged me to marry him. When I discovered he was still with his wife and they had only casually discussed seperating I should have just walked away, but by then I thought he was really my soul mate (duh!). I didn't take up the role of OW either. I told him he had to choose and he did. He told his wife about me and began filing for a divorce. A week and a half later, his wife told him she would do "anything" to keep him including allowing him to sleep with other women. He dumped via AIM while I was drinking coffee at work the next morning. Haven't heard from him since. Sadly we had alot of mutual friends who saw him as some sort of hero for deciding to stay with his wife and felt it would be innapropriate to still be friends with me. I not only got dumped by him but by my friends as well. Even though I had unknowingly ended up in the situation, others felt I was wrong to have asked him to choose me when I found out the truth.

 

From my persepctive I can understand how the OW and OM that post here feel. Once you have emotionally invested yourself in a relationship, it doesn't matter what the circumstances are you still feel the same pains and emotions as anyone else in a relationship does. I also think my story serves as a cautinonary tale for those that get so wrapped up in the soul-mate fantasy that they are blinded by the fact that is really only is a fantasy some times.

 

If you had posted during your affair, you probably would have gotten a lot of replies telling you he was a liar, a cheater, and not to be trusted. They probably would have said that you should dump him before he dumped you. And that you were foolishly getting caught up in the soul mate fantasy. That he loved his wife and wasn't going to leave her for you, and that you would be thrown under the bus at some point as many OW are. That even if he had left his wife for you, he lied to you in the beginning and would probably lie again; and that he was likely to cheat on you too since he and his wife were 'soul mates' at one point and he ended up cheating on her; and it's possible you weren't his first or only OW...

 

Those replies might have come off as harsh or judgmental, might have been tough love, or might have come with some sympathy and understanding along with the advice to dump him. Some approaches are more palatable than others, but it doesn't change the reality and truths in them regardless of how the message is delivered.

 

And yes, it's possibly you might have gotten some 'you are a skanky ho' type of comments, but you also would have gotten some {{{hugs}}}. Like I said, it's a spectrum. The only way to tip the scale is to provide to other posters the kind of advice you would have liked to receive.

 

The mods do their best, but they're very busy. They step in when someone reports a post using the 'alert us' buttons.

[annabelle75]

It does take a while to get used to the OW/OM forum but if you really need advice just post, you will soon see who to ignore and who to listen too.

 

NT

 

Thank you for your response. I appreciate it. It made a great deal of sense.

 

I guess I just have been dissapointed that the posters here are in general treated with less respect than other posters. Whether I agree or disagree with them I would rather be helpful and not judgemental. Thank you for your input.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

When I found the OW/OM forum I was surprised and pleased that there was a place to share views, problems and stories with other OW/OM. They are few and far between on the net.

 

Lately, I read questions from OW/OM and many of them are answered not by those in similar situations but BW/BH. "He'll never change, he lied to his wife so why wont he lie to you". I honestly get bored of defending my relationship. I know my relationship. I know that I had an affair with a MM. I know that he and I fell in love. I feel constantly like I'm justifying my relationship to others who think I'm their OW or that I'm a pen short of a pencil case for being involved in such a relationship - or simply hard-heartened.

 

That said, there are some amazing BW/BH or just relationship gurus who offer good, unbiased sometimes tough advice, but that is meant for the right purpose - for guidance and another slant on a story. There are other BW's who genuinely look for a OW POV like outofdarkness.

 

On the whole, I generally read more than post. I go through phases and then feel brow beaten to not posting again because I feel that I have to be careful what I post as the wrongly worded sentence can be construed in a totally different way and takes the thread away from the original poster

[hardcase]

I’ve lately been checking out this part of the forum and I have been confused by the purpose of it. As in the other forums at this site I thought that this one would be a place for OM and OW that are struggling could come and voice their problems to get support and advice. I was under the impression that this was the purpose for LS.

 

So I am confused that about half of the responses that the people that post here get could pretty , much be summed up with “you are lying whore with no respect for yourself or the sanctity of marriage and deserve all the pain and suffering you receive. “ Perhaps saying half the post are like that is an exaggeration but I have not read a single thread where there are not numerous posts implying these things. I don’t think its fair. I don’t think this forum should be used by those that have been betrayed to harass OM and OW.

 

I don’t think it is in anyway conducive to helping anyone that feels the need to post here..

 

Neither is coddling and sugarcoating "advice" to OM/OW who have no intention of doing the right thing.

 

I could respect an OM/OW that wants to end the relationship because they know they are hurting other people in the process. But the ones that know and don't care as long as their selfish little "needs" are met are looking for sympathy when their MM/MW turns out to be the liar they knew they were...just didn't care.

 

So if you are an OW/OM that is trying to break away and have some remorse for what you are doing to the MM/MW's spouse and children....then ok.

 

If not...then you know where you can go.

[hardcase]

I just trying to understand what the purpose of this forum is. If an OW went into the Seperation/Divorce forum and decided to start attacking a BS, people would be appalled but here it seems to be accpetable for the reverse to happen.

 

Thats because the BS was hurt...they were the betrayed.

 

OW/OM that know their partner is married and just doesn't care is completely different.

 

Big difference.

[hardcase]

I live by my own set of rules.

 

You have already announced your "rules" to the forum. You have already stated that you will sleep with MM and prefer MM and have no responsibility to do the right thing where their wife or kids are concerned.

Sure, the MM are jerks and they are mostly to blame...but you proudly announce that you will sleep with other women's husbands.

 

Don't even try to deny that you didn't.

 

its one thing to be an OW and find yourself being lied to by a MM...or even if you know he is married, but you feel badly and want to get out of the relationship....but then there is you who actually PREFERS sleeping with other women's husbands....I mean come on...you've got to be kidding me??

[Art_Critic]

What it says and what the standard conduct for many posters here don't mesh. Most of the replies people get here are extremely judgemental and not in the spirit I felt this forum was created.

 

IMO Judgmental and attacking are really subjective terms.. Attacking to you may very well be informative to another and vise versa..

 

Being judgmental to a poster isn't really attacking unless the words they choose to use are hurtful..

 

From what I have seen in this forum is that attacking posts do get deleted.

They are no longer here for you to read.

 

If a posters opinions or post isn't the kind of advice you are looking for then just ignore it..

If they attack you then report it..

and if they continue then put them on ignore.

 

You can't tell people on a public forum what to say and what kind of advice to say to a particular poster.. but their posts do have to fall within the guidelines that LS has setup for us to abide by.

[TogetherForever]

Thats because the BS was hurt...they were the betrayed.

 

OW/OM that know their partner is married and just doesn't care is completely different.

 

Big difference.

 

 

Well I hope that all of the hurting bs' here feel better & lesson the hurt by bashing ow.

[yousaveme]

This issue has been addressed several times and always ends up in the same place. BS become agitated and insulted by what they believe to be "tough love' advice.

 

I hope that doesnt happen here. And the thread becomes that of understanding. I HOPE ANYWAY

[TogetherForever]

I hope the OW/OM here feel better by sleeping with other people's spouses and not give a crap who they hurt.

 

Ya....they can hurt whoever they want as long as they are getting "theirs"....but take a little harsh criticism...and boo hoo.

 

No boo hooing here.

Maybe you can tell my s/o wife that she's a bad wife for sleeping with someone other than her husband for the past 3+ years.

Works both ways see.

[TogetherForever]

This issue has been addressed several times and always ends up in the same place. BS become agitated and insulted by what they believe to be "tough love' advice.

 

I hope that doesnt happen here. And the thread becomes that of understanding. I HOPE ANYWAY

 

 

This thread is sure to be locked or deleted very soon.

It really serves no purpose anymore.

Lizzy just wanted to introduce herself & look what happened.