by purpose of the OM and W forum

[NearlyThere]

Well I hope that all of the hurting bs' here feel better & lesson the hurt by bashing ow.

 

You might as well give up on it, because no-one ever admits that they did bash and neither will they apologise because in their eyes, it is tough love. To be honest though all this kind of thread will do is cause more trouble as always, this must be the umpteenth (sp) I have seen since I have been on here. You either have to like it, lump it or leave the forum, public forum, public opinion.

[bigblueeyes]

Thats because the BS was hurt...they were the betrayed.

 

May I point out that the betrayel is not done by the OW/OM. They never made any promises to the BS, married person did.

[hardcase]

This thread is sure to be locked or deleted very soon.

It really serves no purpose anymore.

Lizzy just wanted to introduce herself & look what happened.

 

Lizzie openly admits that she likes to sleep with MM and actually looks for MM.

 

She just didn't introduce herself..she announced to everyone that she likes to sleep with other women's husbands.

[hardcase]

May I point out that the betrayel is not done by the OW/OM. They never made any promises to the BS, married person did.

 

You may point it out...that still doesn't absolve the OM/OW from any responsibility of being decent and doing the right thing.

 

I'd never sleep with another person's spouse...and if I was lied to and didn't know, then it would be sayonara.

[annabelle75]

Neither is coddling and sugarcoating "advice" to OM/OW who have no intention of doing the right thing.

 

I could respect an OM/OW that wants to end the relationship because they know they are hurting other people in the process. But the ones that know and don't care as long as their selfish little "needs" are met are looking for sympathy when their MM/MW turns out to be the liar they knew they were...just didn't care.

 

So if you are an OW/OM that is trying to break away and have some remorse for what you are doing to the MM/MW's spouse and children....then ok.

 

If not...then you know where you can go.

 

And this is what I think is the main problem with this forum. Anyone who's only intention of entering the OM/OW forum is to brow beat posters into ending their relationships shouldn't be here. The "adivce" that is given isn't really advice as opposed to self righteous judgement. I don't see how that helps.

 

No one enters into a relationship with a married man or woman blindly. There are always reasons and justifcations that they have come to accept. Being attacked by a bitter BS isn't going to make them see differently so I almost feel as though most of the posts that demoralize the OMs and OWs are just posting in order to vent about their own bitterness and betrayal.

 

In my sitaution, that I posted about on the first page I found myself in a sitaution where I became villanized by the MM and his wife even though I had been lied to and was unaware I was the OW. It was easier for his wife to make me the villan than to accept that her husband was just a bad guy. She made it her mission to have me shunned by our former friends and succeeded. Although I now realize these people never really were my friends it still hurt a great deal at the time. I feel bad for his wife now, because she is still with him and now having to allow him to sleep with other women in order to keep him. Its sad and I feel sorry for her that she didn't leave him when she found out what he had been doing.

 

So ....... my personal point of view is that no body is ever forced to step outside of their marriage. That is a choice that they make. It may feel better to lay all the blame on the OM or OW but in the end there is only one person to blame for the dissolution of the marriage. The cheater.

[hardcase]

And this is what I think is the main problem with this forum. Anyone who's only intention of entering the OM/OW forum is to brow beat posters into ending their relationships shouldn't be here. The "adivce" that is given isn't really advice as opposed to self righteous judgement. I don't see how that helps.

 

When an OW/OM has no intention of doing the right thing and doesn't care about the people they are hurting, especially kids, then what kind of advice are you going to give them? Advice on how to keep things on the down low so as not to get caught or something?

 

No one enters into a relationship with a married man or woman blindly.

 

There sure are...there are people who have been lied to by their MM/MW and didn't know they were married.....or are the people here that say that happened to them lying?

 

There are always reasons and justifcations that they have come to accept. Being attacked by a bitter BS isn't going to make them see differently so I almost feel as though most of the posts that demoralize the OMs and OWs are just posting in order to vent about their own bitterness and betrayal.

 

sure...why not..its called venting...better here than at home.

 

In my sitaution, that I posted about on the first page I found myself in a sitaution where I became villanized by the MM and his wife even though I had been lied to and was unaware I was the OW.

 

I thought you just said nobody goes into a relationship with a MM/MW blindly....that sounds blind as a bat to me.

 

It was easier for his wife to make me the villan than to accept that her husband was just a bad guy.

 

Question is...did she know you were lied to? And did you seek to end the relationship once you learned the truth.

I wouldn't fault anyone if they were lied to and took steps to do the right thing. I wouldn't even fault an OM if it were my wife that lied to him and he said.."sorry...you never told me you were married....I'm outta here".

 

So ....... my personal point of view is that no body is ever forced to step outside of their marriage. That is a choice that they make. It may feel better to lay all the blame on the OM or OW but in the end there is only one person to blame for the dissolution of the marriage. The cheater.

 

I always blame the cheater the most...they are 85% responsible for the affair. Cuz there wouldn't be that 15% if there weren't people willing to help them along in the betrayal of their spouse and children.

 

But that doesn't absolve the OM/OW of any responsibility of their role in being descpicable if in fact they know about the marriage and don't care.

[annabelle75]

hardcase-

 

Why do you post here? I haven't been around here long enough to know your story or what kind of insight you bring to the OM/OW forum. As I said previously I came here because I felt I had perspective based on my own experinece that may be helpful for those in these kinds of relationships. So, why are you here? I honestly would like to know. I think it would better help me understand what you are saying and then maybe I can better explain my feelings on the subject.

[Jinxx]

May I point out that the betrayel is not done by the OW/OM. They never made any promises to the BS, married person did.

 

So very true. And the only reason the BS gets hurt is when and if the WS gets caught.

[Trialbyfire]

The betrayal is by the cheater. The empowering is by the OW/OM who remain in the affair.

[annabelle75]

The betrayal is by the cheater. The empowering is by the OW/OM who remain in the affair.

 

Not necessarily. IF the OW/OM walks away, the cheater will just move on to the next OW/OM.

 

And .... I would also like to point out that every situation is different. I think alot of the advice here is given in generalizations. Alot of people seem to think the individual situations aren't really worth taking the time to understand. I prefer to learn the whole story because it often times explains why the relationship appeals to the OM/OW or did so in the beginning. I think only then can you really give helpful advice and possibly steer them into the right direction.

[Trialbyfire]

Not necessarily. IF the OW/OM walks away, the cheater will just move on to the next OW/OM.

 

And .... I would also like to point out that every situation is different. I think alot of the advice here is given in generalizations. Alot of people seem to think the individual situations aren't really worth taking the time to understand. I prefer to learn the whole story because it often times explains why the relationship appeals to the OM/OW or did so in the beginning. I think only then can you really give helpful advice and possibly steer them into the right direction.

And another OW/OM empowers the cheater.

 

You'de be surprised at how many of the betrayed spouses view each situation differently. No matter how you want to wrap it pretty, an affair is not a healthy arrangement, therefore, break the triangle and the cheater is forced to make a decision or a decision is forced on him/her. Surprisingly, I'm not opposed to a cheater walking away from his marriage if he/she has found someone else. I'm opposed to the hiding, lying, cheating and betrayal. I'm also not opposed to open marriages or relationships, if everything is open and honest. While these last two examples are not what I would do, an adult has the right to live their lives as they choose.

[annabelle75]

And another OW/OM empowers the cheater.

 

You'de be surprised at how many of the betrayed spouses view each situation differently. No matter how you want to wrap it pretty, an affair is not a healthy arrangement, therefore, break the triangle and the cheater is forced to make a decision or a decision is forced on him/her. Surprisingly, I'm not opposed to a cheater walking away from his marriage if he/she has found someone else. I'm opposed to the hiding, lying, cheating and betrayal. I'm also not opposed to open marriages or relationships, if everything is open and honest. While these last two examples are not what I would do, an adult has the right to live their lives as they choose.

 

I actually very much agree with you. I think I sway a bit more towards understanding the OW/OMs point of view because I feel too few people here take the time to do so. I've seen these situations from just about every point of view, including as the BS. I think most people would be surprised my ex cheated on me because of the strong friendship we have now. The way I chose to see it was any man that would cheat on me wasn't the right man for me and I was better off knowing now than 20 years from now. I decided life was too short to spend it bitter and angry at some one that just wasn't good enough for me anyways.

 

I think your point of view of marriage and relationships is a very healthy one.

[Trialbyfire]

I think your point of view of marriage and relationships is a very healthy one.

Let's just say that I no longer have the luxury of being naively romantic...

[annabelle75]

Let's just say that I no longer have the luxury of being naively romantic...

 

i'm right there with you

[hardcase]

So very true. And the only reason the BS gets hurt is when and if the WS gets caught.

 

Wrong...the OM/OW coupled with the lousy cheating MM/MW is taking time that should be spent with the family. So yes..indirectly it is hurting them and changing the dynamics of how the MM/MW interact with their families

[annabelle75]

Wrong...the OM/OW coupled with the lousy cheating MM/MW is taking time that should be spent with the family. So yes..indirectly it is hurting them and changing the dynamics of how the MM/MW interact with their families

 

That sounds to me like the point of view of some one that would rather blame the OM/OW than the actual cheater. Sometimes it is easier to believe that some one else casued the realtionship to end as opposed to the fact that the cheater made a concious choice to go outside of the relationship.

[NoIDidn't]

That sounds to me like the point of view of some one that would rather blame the OM/OW than the actual cheater. Sometimes it is easier to believe that some one else casued the realtionship to end as opposed to the fact that the cheater made a concious choice to go outside of the relationship.

 

No its sounds like you are far too willing to rush to that conclusion.

 

He also said "coupled with the lousy cheating MW/MM". Its the EMRelationship that takes away from the M and related relations.

 

I didn't see him blaming the OP at all. Just stating a very true, though always denied fact. The EMR takes away from the M.

[Trimmer]

Let's just say that I no longer have the luxury of being naively romantic...

After the loss of my marriage, the most difficult (but probably most important) thing I had to get over was the loss of my innocence with it...

[annabelle75]

No its sounds like you are far too willing to rush to that conclusion.

 

No. Its just my honest opinion on what he said. I am extremely objective on this topic since i have seen it from several different angles including as the BS.

[hardcase]

That sounds to me like the point of view of some one that would rather blame the OM/OW than the actual cheater.

 

Nope...you'll see that I have just as much harsh criticism for cheaters...however, there aren't as many ppl here admitting that they are cheaters.

 

Sometimes it is easier to believe that some one else casued the realtionship to end as opposed to the fact that the cheater made a concious choice to go outside of the relationship.

 

You must be like Lizzie....since the cheater is mostly to blame...then that makes it alright to sleep with other peoples' spouses.

[NoIDidn't]

No. Its just my honest opinion on what he said. I am extremely objective on this topic since i have seen it from several different angles including as the BS.

 

Annabelle

 

I tend to be extremely objective in my own opinion as well. But an objective person doesn't open a thread to underhandedly judge others. Because that is exactly what you are doing. You are telling those that you feel are doing the judging, that they are wrong for doing so. You are passing judgment on them. Subjective thinking reigning, objectivity be dam*ed.

 

Threads like this never serve any positive function other than to deepen the chasm between those that are in the As and justifying them against those that are against As and see no way to justify them. Notice that I did not say OPs vs. BSs. Because BSs are not the only ones that feel strongly that As are wrong.

 

But let's see how big this thread can grow just for fun...

[annabelle75]

You must be like Lizzie....since the cheater is mostly to blame...then that makes it alright to sleep with other peoples' spouses.

 

Nope. That isn't I have said at all.

 

I have asked you what your reason for posting here is and why you feel your point of view is valuable and hove received no response. You seem to just want to argue instead of have an honest discussion with those that disagree. I have made it very clear that I do not condone affairs, but I also do not feel it is my right to judge others. I would rather help the people that come her in need instead of chastising them.

[whichwayisup]

As this thread grows, I'm sure it will get more heated and eventually, once again, be either deleted or closed. MOST of these types of threads that single out OW/BS end up pissing off people, rather than help.

[annabelle75]

Annabelle

 

I tend to be extremely objective in my own opinion as well. But an objective person doesn't open a thread to underhandedly judge others. Because that is exactly what you are doing. You are telling those that you feel are doing the judging, that they are wrong for doing so. You are passing judgment on them. Subjective thinking reigning, objectivity be dam*ed.

 

Threads like this never serve any positive function other than to deepen the chasm between those that are in the As and justifying them against those that are against As and see no way to justify them. Notice that I did not say OPs vs. BSs. Because BSs are not the only ones that feel strongly that As are wrong.

 

But let's see how big this thread can grow just for fun...

 

I think you have let your experinece with other threads taint your view of this one. No one is being judged here. The whole point is that we shouldn't be judging each other. If you read the whole thread you will see that there is no way my story would make anyone in an A feel justified.

[whichwayisup]

Look, just like in real life, people get judged all the time. You can't control how someone feels or reacts. You may not like how some present themselves, and yes, some people are rude, but understand that THEY too have issues and thoughts inside them, maybe not thinking with a clear head, or had a real bad day...They read something on here and it sets them off so they react to it.

 

If someone walked into a room full of strangers, and announced openly they were having an affair, or an OW/OM said they were the affair partner, what type of reaction would you expect to have by those strangers? I would assume most would not be pleased and show their reaction, whether it be coming off as judgemental or just saying outloud "what you are doing is wrong" or by their body language. I know words have a way of jumping off the screen and come across quite harshly at times...