One week before separation

[sumdude]

Even if I am better off being single, to be alone and start over again is a little frightening. There is the fear of loneliness and the fear of the unknown.

 

But loneliness is good. I need to be alone, at least for a while, to heal, to reshape myself, to read, to learn, to grow. I need to become fully complete on my own.

 

The unknown is good. The unknown is exciting. Free of constraints, there is not a better time to explore the unknown.

 

 

This is the approach I have been taking. A little self knowledge and growth can go a long way. We can only conquer our fears by facing them with our eyes open.

 

You have to let the recovery from the emotional damage take it's natural course ... sort of like having the flu.

 

Every day you feel a little better, some days you feel a little weaker. Still you climb the mountain, sometimes you must rest a little. Some days you gain altitude swiftly and easily on others the rain and snow may slow your progress. Still you climb.... and don't stop.

[notspiritual]

Thanks for you comments sumdude.

 

To keep loving someone who does not love you anymore is the most stupid and destructive thing in the world. When a woman does not love you anymore, you should not love her anymore. You may say “My love is too strong, I cannot let her go”. I say “bullsh*t”. This is not true love; this is “needy love”. Or it is just misplaced pride, “I am able to love like that".

 

If you love a woman who does not love you, you have no respect for yourself and you don’t love yourself. If you don’t even love yourself, how can you claim you truly love someone else? Your love isn’t worth much.

 

Make your love conditional on the other’s person love and you will minimize your pain.

[sumdude]

Thanks for you comments sumdude.

 

To keep loving someone who does not love you anymore is the most stupid and destructive thing in the world. When a woman does not love you anymore, you should not love her anymore. You may say “My love is too strong, I cannot let her go”. I say “bullsh*t”. This is not true love; this is “needy love”. Or it is just misplaced pride, “I am able to love like that".

 

If you love a woman who does not love you, you have no respect for yourself and you don’t love yourself. If you don’t even love yourself, how can you claim you truly love someone else? Your love isn’t worth much.

 

Make your love conditional on the other’s person love and you will minimize your pain.

 

I realize this on many levels. It's is confusing when my STBX says things like " Part of me still loves you but I'm too twisted up inside." But she still will not return so what kind of love is that?? Love from a distance? Love is an action, not a noun.

 

 

That confusion makes the path a little more meandering with bad visibility but the goal is the same.

[notspiritual]

Big picture. Realize how unimportant your divorce is compared to real tragedies (war, sickness, etc.) other people have to go through.

 

Humour. Look at your divorce as a bad joke and move on.

[notspiritual]

Me: Let’s have dinner at the nice italian restaurant. It is on me.

She: Why?

Me: This is your last evening in NYC. I would like to celebrate the beginning of our new lives and wish you good luck.

 

At the restaurant.

Pretty waitress: Are you guys visiting?

She: I am from Europe.

Me: I work here. She is leaving tomorrow. We are divorcing and this is our last evening together.

Pretty waitress: I lived 4 years in Madrid.

Me (in Spanish): I can speak Spanish. I start to chat in Spanish with the girl for a good 5 min.

The waitress kept smiling and looking at me the whole evening and even offered my drinks for free.

 

She (obviously a little upset - my sTBXW does not understand Spanish): I did not know that you could still speak Spanish.

Then she started to speak of the spiritual guy who is pursuing her.

I could not care less. I did not feel jealousy at all.

She complained that the guy was not elegant.

Me: Don’t worry I am sure you will find someone both spiritual and elegant.

I was laughing inside.

[notspiritual]

Even though I forgive, I must never forget the hell she put me through. I felt the knife deep down in my throat and I will never forget it. I have been hurt so deeply. It is a miracle that I came back from this hell.

 

I am now in full control of my life and my finances. Damn, it feels so good. I will never again jeopardize my finances because of a woman. I have worked hard for years to have the career I have today, I won’t let any woman destroy it in the space of a mood change.

 

My future is now fully in my hands and there is no way I can trade this fantastic happiness for any woman. Marriage is ****ing dangerous. It destroys your soul and your identity. And when it ends, it destroys you emotionally and financially. 60% of marriage ends in divorce. 75% of divorce is initiated by the woman. But when it comes to couples who own houses and have minor children the percentage of divorces initiated by women is over 90%!!!. The odds are against you.

 

Today is the first day of my new life.

Damn it feels so good to be me again.

[notspiritual]

She missed her flight, misreading the time of departure and she is sitll here.

It is 1000 usd down the tube.

 

What I am going to do now?

[notspiritual]

She is crying and drinking the alcohol.

Her Mother seems to have gone into deep insanity again.

But she won't be able to go to visit her since she missed the flight

 

I want to kill myself. I want out of this hell. I cannot bear anymore all her family problems.

[mammax3]

Oh No, NS.

 

I wish I had something to say.

 

I'm thinking of you.

[notspiritual]

Thanks mamax3, I don’t feel alone now.

 

I was expecting to start my life without her yesterday but it did not happen. So I had a panic attack, wrote these crazy posts on LS and had to breathe fresh air outside to calm down.

 

To have her in my life for a few more days is depressing. I wanted to start to heal. I will probably fail at a job interview this Thursday. I don’t have the peace of mind to prepare for it with her around. I can’t believe that she inspires me so much disgust today that just a few more days seems unbearable.

 

She is planning to study instead of working for the next 2 years. I told her to find a part-time job as a waitress as many students do that, she replied she is unable to stand for so long. She is not willing to give an ounce of effort in life, this is so frightening to me.

[sumdude]

Thanks mamax3, I don’t feel alone now.

 

I was expecting to start my life without her yesterday but it did not happen. So I had a panic attack, wrote these crazy posts on LS and had to breathe fresh air outside to calm down.

 

To have her in my life for a few more days is depressing. I wanted to start to heal. I will probably fail at a job interview this Thursday. I don’t have the peace of mind to prepare for it with her around. I can’t believe that she inspires me so much disgust today that just a few more days seems unbearable.

 

She is planning to study instead of working for the next 2 years. I told her to find a part-time job as a waitress as many students do that, she replied she is unable to stand for so long. She is not willing to give an ounce of effort in life, this is so frightening to me.

 

 

You need to make that interview. Find a cheap hotel and get her a damn room if that gives you the peace of mind you need for this. Tell her to stay with a freind or something. Get her out of there so that your life can continue.

 

Her missing the flight says one of two things.

 

She actually somehow wants to keep clinging to you somehow.

 

OR

 

She is incredibly irresponsible ... the more likely scenario.

[notspiritual]

My STBXW took a flight tonight and left my life. Although I feel relieved, I also feel a big hole in my stomach. I feel sad for her, even if she is very happy at the time being and is totally convinced that she is right and I am wrong.

 

In the airport, we met a pastor who explained her that there are hurdles in a marriage and when you go over them, the marriage becomes stronger. If you try to avoid the obstacle by going around it, you will meet another hurdle and have the same problem. The pastor admitted to me he could not believe how negative she was. I feel reassured that even if an unknown third party can sense this, Mr Reality is not very far.

 

Everyone at different point in their life is emprisoned in a certain state of mind. And there is almost nothing you can do to reason them. So instead of torturing myself on an impossible task, I decided to act on what I can control: my new life.

[sumdude]

My STBXW took a flight tonight and left my life. Although I feel relieved, I also feel a big hole in my stomach. I feel sad for her, even if she is very happy at the time being and is totally convinced that she is right and I am wrong.

 

In the airport, we met a pastor who explained her that there are hurdles in a marriage and when you go over them, the marriage becomes stronger. If you try to avoid the obstacle by going around it, you will meet another hurdle and have the same problem. The pastor admitted to me he could not believe how negative she was. I feel reassured that even if an unknown third party can sense this, Mr Reality is not very far.

 

Everyone at different point in their life is emprisoned in a certain state of mind. And there is almost nothing you can do to reason them. So instead of torturing myself on an impossible task, I decided to act on what I can control: my new life.

 

Lots of truth in this post from the pastor and what you've learned. Carry on and life will unfold as it should. Some people I think were just not born with an 'inner eye' so to speak. Or they are just to afraid to really look at themselves...

[notspiritual]

Disgracian:

I just can't harmonise these two statements. From what I've read I don't agree with a lot of your wife's behaviour but I think that you're taking a leaf out of her book by rationalising away all your responsibility for what happened.

I do recognize I neglected her and that is my part of the responsibility in the marriage failure. But I also recognize that she was extremely high maintenance asking for attention that was beyond my capacity in a very difficult time in my life (moving to the US from Europe, getting into insane debt to study at unversity, try to succeed very well at university, moving to NYC, try to find a descent apartment in NYC, try to find a good job in NYC, try to perform well at work to not get fired, paying back this insane student debt). I was building a future for both of us and had not taken a single vacation day for the last 3 years while I was paying for all her travels. These tough times that lasted only 18 months were about to end with me paying off my debts.

 

During the last 18 months, instead of receiving support, I had to give her my full attention all the time. I was dying under the workload and suffering for not being able to rest and when I could breathe a little bit, she wanted me to spend all my time with her. I was losing my soul and my identity. I had not a second for myself. I did not know who I was anymore. I spent almost all of my free time with her. I had no friends anymore. She did not want me to have them.

 

She had every day 10 extra hours more compared to me to do whatever she liked (study english, meditation class, volunteering, preparing for graduate studies). But unappreciative of the free time she had thanks to my work, she used her free time to build feelings of resentment towards me. She despised my hard work as non spiritual. She did not understand that everytime she spent dollars, she really spent hours of my sacrificed life, hours that I could have spend on something else instead of working.

 

Indeed I neglected her, but only for a very short period of time and during the most difficult time of my life where I was investing for our future. I had hoped that she could understand that the hard time now was necessary for a better time later (I have now a good career and I am interviewing for a 200K job). Why she could not wait a little, I don’t know. Maybe because she compared me to the guys in her meditation center that seemed so much more spiritual than me.

 

You know, even if I had good reasons, I am ready to discard them all and take full responsibility for having neglected her. But I am not ashamed because every single days, hours, minutes, second during our marriage, my intentions were good, I wanted the best for both of us in the long term. I did my best, she did not see it.

 

I am sure most of you may think I learned my lesson that I would be less neglectful next time. Well, you are completely wrong, this is not the main lesson. The main lesson I learned is that I needed a partner who is low maintenance (not an emotional leech), that is a giver (not only a taker) and that is a survivor (able to take care of herself and have her own independent life).

 

The reason of my marriage failure is that we were not compatible.

[disgracian]

That does clarify the situation a lot more. In light of that I support your decision (and your frustrations) fully. I didn't realise that the "neglect" was only a recent phenomenon, and instead thought that retiring to your den to play video games all night was a common thing.

 

I wish you the best of luck with your newfound freedom and future plans, whatever they may be.

 

Cheers,

D.

[notspiritual]

I did not expect my single life to be that good. I have now so much time to do whatever I like and whenever I want to. Sure I felt a little down on the 12th day but it’s great to regain full control of my life. I am so excited at the potential I am unleashing.

 

In just 17 days, I have read 4 books, got into second round interviews for 3 different jobs at 200k a year despite my lack of preparation, found a cheaper (and better situated) apartment saving 1000$ a month in rent, my social network is slowly growing, I started running and lost 8 pounds (8 more to lose to reach my ideal weigth), I am regaining my super salsa dancing skills. I feel these results are just the beginning effects of my new single life. I am excited because this is just the beginning.

 

STBXW has been initating a few email contacts to ask my help for writing letters of motivation and asking me to send her some of her stuff she left behind. I told her I did not have the time to help her but I pointed her to weblink and books that can help her. It’s good that she will learn how hard it is to get a job.

 

I can’t imagine ever being married again.

There is no point in staying a relationship if you can’t be all that you can be.

[sumdude]

 

I can’t imagine ever being married again.

There is no point in staying a relationship if you can’t be all that you can be.

 

I think the right relationship is where the other understands they have a stake in your growth and at the very least does not use up your energy. At the very best they bolster and compliment your goals. When you've been in one when the other is an emotional vampire you don't realise until later just how much you have been drained.

 

Now we know what to watch out for...

[notspiritual]

SD, I have been meeting a few girls and I can tell you that I see red flags everywhere. I recognize flakey behaviors way before they have the time to affect me. Women I’ve met recently are so full of ****. They think I don’t see it but I see it well beyond their small brains. They look at me and they don’t understand why I won’t play their **** games. When I see a woman, I can smell her bull****, it is frightening 'cause they are everywhere.

[Melovator]

SD, I have been meeting a few girls and I can tell you that I see red flags everywhere. I recognize flakey behaviors way before they have the time to affect me. Women I’ve met recently are so full of ****. They think I don’t see it but I see it well beyond their small brains. They look at me and they don’t understand why I won’t play their **** games. When I see a woman, I can smell her bull****, it is frightening 'cause they are everywhere.

 

I unfortunately have to agree with you there. There are too many desperate women with tiny, tiny little brains who think that playing games is the only way to 'get a man'. They don't know themselves so they hide behind a facade, or they don't like themselves and think that if they are just that then no one will like them.

 

If a woman is honest with herself then she can like herself, if she is honest with herself she will be honest with you, If she likes herself then she will respect herself and then she'll be able to respect you. (I guess this would apply to men as well, but gender neutral language would disturb the flow). What I'm saying is if you can't be honest with, like and respect yourself then you can't do it for others.

 

So you're right to keep away from the flakes and the games because you know you deserve better- and you're being honest with yourself about it!

[sumdude]

I unfortunately have to agree with you there. There are too many desperate women with tiny, tiny little brains who think that playing games is the only way to 'get a man'. They don't know themselves so they hide behind a facade, or they don't like themselves and think that if they are just that then no one will like them.

 

If a woman is honest with herself then she can like herself, if she is honest with herself she will be honest with you, If she likes herself then she will respect herself and then she'll be able to respect you. (I guess this would apply to men as well, but gender neutral language would disturb the flow). What I'm saying is if you can't be honest with, like and respect yourself then you can't do it for others.

 

So you're right to keep away from the flakes and the games because you know you deserve better- and you're being honest with yourself about it!

 

 

Yeah, have to watch out for those who look to others for validation and/or blame. As long as you don't fall into the misogyny trap and remember we are all flawed in one way or another. Some more than others and in different ways. People don't choose to be maladjusted and messed up, it just happens. Not making judgments ... Few things are more annoying than a self righteous bastard or bi##h.

[notspiritual]

Marriage is truly a great (idealist) way to live when one has found the right partner. But most of the time it is doomed because it cannot depend on the love of just one person. 50% of marriages ends in divorce. Even if the marriage lasts, it does not mean it is a happy marriage.

 

I think the better way to live for a man is to have an harem (multiple long term relationships). It is dangerous to give one’s heart to just one woman because few women are trustworthy. A favorite sport of a man should be to try to steal as many women from other men in order to deliver these men form their unauthentic life with their women. Once he has stolen her, he should dump her because a woman who quits her nice husband without making an effort to repair a relationship is not worth it anyway. When the woman is dumped she may understand that she had a great marriage and attempt to save it. If it is too late for her, it is likely that she won’t make the same mistake in her next marriage. The betrayed man is also better off because he recognizes the importance to find a trustworthy woman (by testing her many times - i.e. hiring an escort man to seduce his fiance) before he commits to marriage.

 

This favorite sport will contribute to increase the pool of eligible partners for a happy marriage.

[Tony T]

Marriage is truly a great (idealist) way to live when one has found the right partner. But most of the time it is doomed because it cannot depend on the love of just one person. 50% of marriages ends in divorce. Even if the marriage lasts, it does not mean it is a happy marriage.

 

I think the better way to live for a man is to have an harem (multiple long term relationships). It is dangerous to give one’s heart to just one woman because few women are trustworthy. A favorite sport of a man should be to try to steal as many women from other men in order to deliver these men form their unauthentic life with their women. Once he has stolen her, he should dump her because a woman who quits her nice husband without making an effort to repair a relationship is not worth it anyway. When the woman is dumped she may understand that she had a great marriage and attempt to save it. If it is too late for her, it is likely that she won’t make the same mistake in her next marriage. The betrayed man is also better off because he recognizes the importance to find a trustworthy woman (by testing her many times - i.e. hiring an escort man to seduce his fiance) before he commits to marriage.

 

This favorite sport will contribute to increase the pool of eligible partners for a happy marriage.

 

This position seems a bit inconsistent with the tone of the post you started this thread with. Have you changed that much during the course of this thread?

 

The position stated above is rather radical and sounds like that of a troll. However, I know notspiritual has been around for a while. I would rather prefer to believe that the above post was written by someone who was temporary out to lunch. I'm very sure women could write the same thing if any of them so elected.

[Melovator]

Marriage is truly a great (idealist) way to live when one has found the right partner. But most of the time it is doomed because it cannot depend on the love of just one person. 50% of marriages ends in divorce. Even if the marriage lasts, it does not mean it is a happy marriage.

 

I think the better way to live for a man is to have an harem (multiple long term relationships). It is dangerous to give one’s heart to just one woman because few women are trustworthy. A favorite sport of a man should be to try to steal as many women from other men in order to deliver these men form their unauthentic life with their women. Once he has stolen her, he should dump her because a woman who quits her nice husband without making an effort to repair a relationship is not worth it anyway. When the woman is dumped she may understand that she had a great marriage and attempt to save it. If it is too late for her, it is likely that she won’t make the same mistake in her next marriage. The betrayed man is also better off because he recognizes the importance to find a trustworthy woman (by testing her many times - i.e. hiring an escort man to seduce his fiance) before he commits to marriage.

 

This favorite sport will contribute to increase the pool of eligible partners for a happy marriage.

 

WTF!!! NS don't let her do this to you! Don't you dare!

 

Not ALL women are untrustworthy, just.. well... a lot of my gender don't respect or trust themselves. Your Ex- clearly doesn't respect herself and she turned that on you. If she was unhappy, if she felt you neglected her then it was in her power to do something about how she was feeling by talking with you. She accused you of being NonSpiritual but that's c**p she's the non-spiritual one! Thinking only of her own happiness and not others- someone who is spiritual thinks of others before themselves and if they're mentally healthy they'll have good boundaries about that thinking.

 

I can understand the harem idea- a stable of my own sounds good now.But you don't do that by hurting other people, if you have a harem then you're honest with everyone involved. Hurting others- the husband/ partners- only hurts yourself. Could you do it and respect yourself? Really Now?

 

Don't put that bad energy out there, it'll only come back and bite your ass!

You are a better person than this. You'll only make her right about you- and don't you want that bi-atch to be wrong? Really wrong? Like suck on what you lost you selfish ho wrong?

 

The best revenge is a life well lived. Live your life well, not in bitterness or hate- it will only make you lonely and dead of a heart attack before your time. Don't let her selfishness steal your life.

 

If you live your life well then you will find someone who isn't selfish or play games, who knows herself and likes herself and who will be able to give her best to you because she's at her best. But you've gotta be at your best first, otherwise you'll miss her in the crowd.

[notspiritual]

With MLTR, I do not mean to lie; your women should know that she is not exclusive.

 

Any attempt to steal the woman who is in a happy marriage will be FRUITLESS. Therefore, stealing a woman will only affect relationships that are meant to be doomed anyway. All you do is to accelerate the process, to shortcut the pain for the man. The betrayal will happen anyway, better sooner than later for the poor guy.

 

Then, it is important to dump the woman you just stole from him. You don’t do this for your own selfish pleasure, you want the woman to learn to appreciate what she had with her man and you want the man to not neglect her anymore. If they separate the woman is unlikely to repeat the same mistake and the man will be more careful when choosing his next woman.

 

Even if I find the perfect woman I am not sure she will not turn into a monster and betray me down the road. That’s why MLTR is preferable to marriage even though I think marriage is better with the right woman.

 

This is some nascent thoughts I wanted to share. Maybe I am becoming insane but I seem to function normally in everyday life. The only thing is my heart is sometimes very heavy.

[Woggle]

I felt the same exact way after my first marriage ended so I completely understand where you are coming from and at this point in your life this attitude is good. Eventually I did remarry but only after finding a woman that deserved everything I had to offer. I hope one day you find somebody like that but until then have a ball and enjoy your life.