After the Affair - How to Rekindle Intimacy and Sex

[LabradorsGalor]

My wife confessed to me at the beginning of the year that she had an affair - a one time thing she assured me (so reassuring). We had and still have some serious material problems in our relationship.

 

Our marriage had been a sexless one for well over 8 years by her choice. I was and remain interested in sex with her. Consequently, I lost interest in doing things with her and felt very neglected. She in turn felt neglected and the vicous circle spiraled until she sought out attention from another man.

 

I know that her affair wasn't about sex, but wanting attention and affection.

 

We are now in counseling together and independently. She sees a counselor weekly and I see mine sporadically. My wife recognizes know that she has issues with expressing feelings and emotions. Personally, I don't think she has any problem letting me know when she's unhappy...its the happy feelings that I think she has a hard time expressing. She is a strong dominate woman that works in a male dominated profession. She doesn't have any desire to have children and generally, I feel, lacks compasion and affection that most people possess.

 

We have continued to not have sex since the first of the year. She said she didn't feel attracted or close to me and wanted that before we had sex. I promised her that I was willing to wait while we work on our marriage and that I didn't want her to feel pressure, but did want her to know there were occassions where I felt close to her and wanted to be with her sexually.

 

We finally had sex this last weekend but we really didn't discuss how we were feeling or why she decided to have sex with me. I made it clear I was willing if she was and so one thing led to another. However, I truthfully couldn't tell if she was enjoying it or not. I can appreciate how she might feel a bit strange after all the stuff and garbage that has gone on in our life between us.

 

I've held off asking her about how she feels about us having sex since I know she finds it hard to talk about her feelings and she thinks I over analyze things (her way of avoiding talking about her feelings).

 

However, I think this is a reasonable topic to discuss given that it was more than 4 months without sex and that she does seems to be acting a bit more distant from me since we had sex. I know if I ask her directly she will tell me she is fine and that I am imagining it.

 

Anyone have any experience with this type of issue or generally have suggestions how to bring up such a delicate but important topic in a supportive way?

[hardcase]

Anyone have any experience with this type of issue or generally have suggestions how to bring up such a delicate but important topic in a supportive way?

 

I dunno bud...but if my wife said, "i'm not attracted to you"...I'd open the front door and tell her to have a nice life.

 

Really though...how did that make you feel when she said that to you?

I mean, if she isn't attracted to you...then what else is there? She isn't going to just magically be attracted to you again..unless you, and I'm not saying this is the case nor an excuse, let yourself go to pot.

 

I bet she'd freak if you said, "I'm not attracted to you either".

 

anyway man....i feel for ya. Its tough to find out the person you thought loved you could do that to you...whether they felt neglected or not.

 

but the funny thing is...she neglected you first....you kept trying to have an intimate relationship with her only to be pushed away time and time again.

 

so you just got accustomed to not having sex and focused your efforts elsewhere...but you did not cheat on her.

Then after she pushes you away, she feels neglected and cheats? how f#cked up is that?

 

I say your wife has serious selfisness issues. Its ok for her to push you away...but when you lose interest..she decides to spread em for another guy? Aye yi yi. By that logic you would have been justified in having your own affair.

 

But you were a man about it. You respected and loved her too much to even thing about getting sex elsewhere......she can't say the same though.

 

Anyway..your question...how do you get to that intimate place again?...well...that is really up to her...she is the one that said she is not attracted to you.

 

Maybe you should ask her what she doesn't find attractive about you.

If she fudges and doesn't want to tell you...just remind her she had the guts to have an affair...she should have the guts to fix things if you are willing to do so too.

[Woggle]

Why is she still your wife?

[Chrome Barracuda]

I agree, what kind of woman tortures a man for 8 yrs, denying him sex, "By her choice??!?" What if that's the case then it's her choice to get her **** out of the house. She has the nerve to cheat on you and you just take her back, why arent you angry? where is your rage? I would be thermonuclar with rage right about now, If my SO did that to me I would tell her to stay the hell away from me!!!

 

It would be quitting time for real.

 

She has isuses and let her deal with them. If she doesnt want to get help for her issues, then divorce and find some hot younger chick with a raging libido, What kind of man allows this? Do you want to be a dormat for another year!??

 

I would walk and not come back. if you got kids, tell them the absolute truth and let them know that the family will be broken up and there is no reconciliation. I know I would. Harsh as that may be. The truth shall set you free.

 

It's crunch time!

[Mr. Lucky]

She said she didn't feel attracted or close to me and wanted that before we had sex.

Boy, I hate to pile on top of what everyone else is saying but - all of the sudden she's got standards that must be met before she'll have sex with you? Where were those guidelines when she was sleeping with the other guy? How twisted does it get - she denies you (did she forget the "forsake all others" part ?) and puts out for him . She sounds toxic...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Frances]

Your wife has some very big problems. I do not know how any marriage survives without sex unless there is a medical reason for it, and this would be after a marriage that had been a sexual one.

 

I am very surprised you stuck around. You have no children so why not move on. Never mind looking for some hot younger chick with a raging libido just find someone you can love and who loves you and is attracted to you sexually.

 

Would you like children? If you do, you would want someone who can show affection and is not cold for their mother. Life is too short to put up with what you seem to have done.

[LabradorsGalor]

I want to thank everyone for the harsh but real view on my situation and posing the difficult questions. They are similar comments that my two very good friends continue to make to me.

 

However, I have my own guilts and sins that I'm dealing with in the relationship which is probably why I'm not outraged by my wife's behavior. I'm hardly a doormat type personality, but tend to be very understanding (too understanding for some) when it comes to friendships and relationships.

 

I am not proud to admit this, but after a few years of no-sex, I sought out sexual arrousal from the net by viewing images and chatting with people online. I will also admit I contemplated having an affair in general but it I knew it was wrong and also knew it wouldn't help anything with my wife. However, my wife discoverd my internet activities shortly after I started and became outraged. She told me she felt I was cheating on her. I promised I would quit and was extremely remorseful about what I had done. We went to counseling. Unfortunately, we as a couple focused on my behavior and never did address the larger issue - my wife's lack of sexual interest. I was the one with the problem. My wife promised to work on our sexlife. That lastest about one week until her other interests in life...work, working out, training, and competative cycling...took priority again.

 

So after a while, I slipped back into old habits. Again not my proudest moment in my relationship. And our dance continued a couple of more times. Finally, my wife has come to realize, or at least has verbalized to me, she enjoys sex but really is not that interested in sex...basically she can take it or leave it. Ugh...this would have been nice to know 10 years ago. I believe my wife has serious issues with men that she isn't willing to admit to. She doesn't admit fault easily so its hard for her...plus she is completely astranged from her father since she was 13...her choice. And she has strained workplace relationships generally, you guessed it, with men.

 

She has commented to me several times that she isn't a sex toy or sex object when I've tried to have sex with her. I'm hardly a bullish shovenistic guy with an attitude about women and sex. But her comments made it clear to me she feels used by me for sex. And hell, I just thought I was being a normal loving husband wanting to make love to my wife.

 

Anyway, my lack of rage, I believe is because I'm taming my own guilty demons for chatting with people on the next and looking and exchanging nude photos. I know I'm a moron and am braced for the harsh criticsm that I'm sure I deserve. I realize that I may not have been the cause for putting our relationship into a nosedive, but I certainly accelorated the throttle.

 

Dealing with my own guilts and sins. By thanks for your comments and helping me face the harsh reality of my situation. I do find the directness refreshing.

[whichwayisup]

You might want to go read some threads about sexless marriages. There are some in this section and some in marriage section as well.

Many people have shared stories, both male and female so hopefully reading will help you.

 

This isn't just about sex, it's about emotional connection and intimacy, which ofcourse IS tied into sex.

 

Anyway, I do hope your wife realizes that if she isn't willing to have sex with you, she can't expect you not to masterbate. Porn and jerking off is one thing, but having online sexual chats, exchanging pictures IS a form of cheating.

 

Stop beating up on yourself, forgive yourself and try to re-connect with her, even if it doesn't lead to a night of sex, just talking, cuddling and fooling around, kissing and fondling can be JUST as nice as the physical part of sex.

[Mr. Lucky]

but after a few years of no-sex, I sought out sexual arrousal from the net by viewing images and chatting with people online.

No sh*t! What if your wife had found a way to deprive you of oxygen? Do you think that you would have sought another breathing outlet? To quote Jurassic Park, "Nature always finds a way". A spouse (male or female) can deprive you of sex, but they can't deprive you of your sex drive. You're getting screwed here, but unfortunately only in the figurative sense...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Wibble]

A wise friend of mine once told me

 

"Sex is like oxygen - it is only important when you are not getting enough."

 

I am convinced this is true for both sexes, the only variation being "enough" is a subjective, individual measure. It could be "none" ie. the Pope, or it could be "lots" ie. me. The fact is your wife obviously does "need" sexual satisfaction, and the fact that she has chosen to find it outside the marriage, whilst starving the supply within the relationship, speaks volumes for her selfishness and disregard for you. Her disproportionate response to your use of porn ( a perfectly normal activity under the circumstances - ask any man (except the Pope)) is typical "justification" behaviour, ie. she uses it to bolster her internal justification for behaving the way she is.

 

The problems appear to lie with her - she needs to decide whether or not she is truly prepared to commit to that most un-selfish of states, marriage. You need to be ready to accept the answer.

[4whatItsWorth]

Finally, my wife has come to realize, or at least has verbalized to me, she enjoys sex but really is not that interested in sex...basically she can take it or leave it. Ugh...this would have been nice to know 10 years ago.

 

Does that mean that the sex life was great/good in the beginning? If it was, it sounds a bit fishy she all of sudden doesn't like sex.

 

However, I'm not a big fan of sex can live without it easily, but I have it because of the intimacy and to make my guy feel loved. Sex is important to him so I have to agree to do it, and tend to enjoy the afterward cuddles instead.

 

If she says she doesn't like sex, you should say "well we could...X together" like hug/kiss/cuddle/masturbate/read a sexy novel - otherwise sorry but I think you should divorce her and find yourself a woman who likes sex or at least is willing to have it.

[Mr. Lucky]

If she says she doesn't like sex, you should say "well we could...X together" like hug/kiss/cuddle/masturbate/read a sexy novel

I'm sorry, 4WIW, but most men want to get laid. We want to f#*% our partner's brains out. The "hug/kiss/cuddle" is great as part of a healthy f*ing relationship, but suggesting it on it's own is just going to end the OP up back in front of his computer screen with a log-in partner and a box of kleenex

 

Mr. Lucky

[Flyin in Clouds]

Dude, go get laid. And get a good attorney. Your wife is abusive and cruel.

 

Most women have no clue about how men view sex in the relationship. And they tend to think men should think and feel about sex like they do. But men aren't women...

 

4WIW thing of hugs, cuddles... that's the woman's view of a jolly good time.

 

Mr Lucky, yeah most guys want to get laid and want to light their woman's fire. If I'm not lighting my wife's fire, then I'm not interest in sex with her. It just isn't any fun that way.

[Flyin in Clouds]

....

 

.. Finally, my wife has come to realize, or at least has verbalized to me, she enjoys sex but really is not that interested in sex...basically she can take it or leave it.

So your wife is telling you that she has no need of you as a man... i.e. the thing that makes you a man she can take it or leave it. Perferably the latter. Been there, done that.

 

She has commented to me several times that she isn't a sex toy or sex object when I've tried to have sex with her. I'm hardly a bullish shovenistic guy with an attitude about women and sex. But her comments made it clear to me she feels used by me for sex. And hell, I just thought I was being a normal loving husband wanting to make love to my wife.

Been there, done that.

 

Typical of many women. They simply don't get it that a man tryng to make love to them isn't all about just getting his own rocks off. He wants to express his love by making love and getting her off. A guy is supposed to make his woman feel good, service her, pleasure her and in so doing that makes him a man.

 

Anyway, my lack of rage, I believe is because I'm taming my own guilty demons for chatting with people on the next and looking and exchanging nude photos. I know I'm a moron and am braced for the harsh criticsm that I'm sure I deserve. I realize that I may not have been the cause for putting our relationship into a nosedive, but I certainly accelorated the throttle.

You're wife is less than enthusiastic about having a loving sexual relationship with you and she's P.O.ed because your turn to "virtual sex" as an outlet. Tell her she's damn lucky you didn't leave her for someone else.

 

Porn and jerking off is one thing, but having online sexual chats, exchanging pictures IS a form of cheating.

No, having sex with another woman is cheating.

 

And it is also cheating to refuse to have sex with your mate, or being a passive participant in sex. That wasn't the deal when you got married. Something about love and cherish...

[Flyin in Clouds]

... She said she didn't feel attracted or close to me and wanted that before we had sex.

 

She needs to understand that having sex is the way you express your deepest love for her. You want a woman.

 

I was in your same boat though not for 8 years.

 

I finally said to my wife that I was going to have a mistress, a lover. I'd like it to be her and she could apply for the job if she wanted it, but if she didn't want it I'd find someone else for that role in my life. Of course she was angry at first and thought all I wanted was sex, to user her for a sex toy as your wife would say. It took a while to convince her that what I really needed, more than just sex, was to be able to satisfy her sexually. That most of the enjoyment I got from sex was from watching her have an orgasm. The feeling that I was able to do it for her is what made me feel really good about me.

 

 

I promised her that I was willing to wait while we work on our marriage and that I didn't want her to feel pressure, but did want her to know there were occassions where I felt close to her and wanted to be with her sexually.

Uh, being passive and a nice guy I don't think is going to work. Be confidently agressive and insist on making love to her. I mean whoooing her and seducing her.

 

Anyone have any experience with this type of issue or generally have suggestions how to bring up such a delicate but important topic in a supportive way?

yes ... read some of the older threads.

 

I think a big problem is a lack of understanding and communication. The difference men and women have with regard to sex.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You should tell her to either step up or leave lab. Cause you need to know women use sex for control. They use sex to bargain and barter, The reason she controls you with sex is because she sees you having no balls.

 

You need to do what is neccessary and stand up. If that means demanding she work on the marriage and screw each other for as long as it takes than do so.

 

If not tell her to get the F out and stay out.

 

You sound like a cool guy, why should u be cursed with a sexless loveless marriage because she cant focus on her emotions. 8 years with no sex and she goes and sleeps with someone else. She feel sno attraction to you and doesnt want you to leave. Bottom line is she wants the financial security and wants to bang other people while you finance it all.

 

Why are you still here. Leave.

 

You are a man, I dont hold it personally against you if your being starved for affection and sought the internet, to have something.

 

Even though it is wrong, You own that. She had the affair and emasculated you and she doesnt own that correct? You need a new life, either she's apart of it or she's not. There has to be a resolution.

 

And if I was in your shoes, the minute I found out about the affair. I would be packing my s*it the very next week asking her for a divorce. Especially if we dont have any children. The F-ing audacity of it all should have you outraged.

 

Next thing you know she's gonna leave you for someone else and your sitting there wallowing in self pity asking what could I have done.