onlyFOOLSfall inlove.?PLS ?

[Beautiful_Tragedy]

Hey i'm new to this.. so any comments & advice would be greatly appreciated. Right now i'm at breaking point and feel no real support or anything, so hope this helps. =( so i'll try and explain most of it to you...with detail..if u have time to read.thanks

 

About 3 years ago i went overseas and met a guy there the night before i was supposed to leave. I guess u could say i believed it was love at her first sight..we couldn't keep our eyes off each other..we exchanged contact details and then i left..

 

Over the past years we kept in contact via email nearly everyday & hardly talked on the phone, until about last year around November we started communicating more through the phone, which made my feelings grow even stronger for him. But the thing is around August, september lastyear i had found out he had a girlfriend there.. and i was devasted, at first he denied it, but then he admitted it but said he still loved me and apologised. So I then forgave him.. and we started talking again. (i had to try and think realistically to heal my pain, it's because we're far and when u meet the right one you should have met a few wrong)

 

When we started talking over the phone he "then" told me that girl had cheated on him and so he said "what goes around comes around" he claims he never loved her, & never told her he loved her, yet when i go on myspace i've seen the old comments where he tells her how much he loved her and shes the one he really loves. He says he made a mistake and that i'm the "right one" because i never played games. See even though it may be over, i can find it in my heart to forgive, but one thing is i'm a very jelous person & i hate being this way..i can never forget.

 

I do feel he loves me.. he always makes time to call me etc. i've spoken to his mother, and some friends and relatives. He told me he'd kill himself if i ever left him =/

 

But then I have the worst/negative thoughts that eat away at me, cos i know they may be true. i have low-self esteem, don't think i'm beautiful, i see myself as ugly and feel he can do better, so when we talk on the phone, i become quieter and feel like an idiot, i can't be my loud, funny, outgoing self. i 've had bad experiences with people/guys who made me feel ugly/worthless. thoughts i have.."he came to me because she did him wrong", or maybe he still loves her..yet he can't be with her.? I truly duno, whenever i ask him he tells me its me he loves. He's always been kind, loving, caring, considerate, got a great personality and makes me laugh, i've never felt this way about anyone in my whole life, yet its making me a bitter person who's confidence is already low..and i feel like crap, because i see who he used to be with, how do you get over things like that, how do you move on, how do you forget being jelous of past women, wondering if your better? i hate the fact of him being with someone else, even though we plan to meet again real soon, i hate being needy, and insecure, please tell me if you've had anything similiar..?? my main thing is how do u 4get about the other woman..i duno wtfffff to do, please help me

[LoveIsAnInsanity]

Hey girl,

 

I totally understand where you are coming from. You feel like crying but you are all out of tears. You want to jump off a tall building but you know you can’t. You want to just hurt him the way he hurt you only to find yourself that you just want to forgive, forget, and be happy again. You can’t believe this is happening. You were so happy. Now…..

 

To tell you the truth this site is great when you read other people’s problems and the replies to them but when you get your own it is not. I recently have written my own thread and thought it would help me feel better and it has in a way but I am still where I was before.

 

In the beginning:

• You traveled overseas and met a guy there the night before.
  
• You both were deeply attracted to each other.
  
• It felt like love at first sight.
  
• You connected and exchanged contact details.
  
• You left for home.

Now you left some information out:

• Did he say it felt like love at first sight?
  
• Did you both have chance to talk and hang out the day you met?
  
• What were his and your expectations?
  
• Did you say you wanted to try a LDR?
  
• Was he excited for this new relationship?
  
• What contact information did you give? (e-mail or phone # or both)
  
• Did you both have any loving moments that intertwined you? Made you feel connected?
  
• Did you ask if he was in a relationship? Or better yet did he ask if you were?

Over the past years:

• You and him kept in contact via e-mail nearly everyday.
  
• You both hardly talked on the phone

Missing information:

• Why just e-mail during this time?
  
• Do you really believe that e-mail counts as a relationship that is satisfying for you and him, especially him?
  
• Did he ever mention that he wants to use the phone or hear your voice?
  
• Have you ever suggested using the phone?
  
• Did he ever mention you were exclusive? Or did you ask him about that?
  
• Have you ever talked about your relationship?
  
• How was he like in your e-mails?

Last year around November:

• Both of you started communicating more through the phone.
  
• This made your feelings for him grow even stronger.

Missing information:

• What made you start talking on the phone?
  
• Did his feeling for you grow stronger?
  
• How was he like?

And of course you know what happened afterwards.

 

Now before I even try to give you advice I need my questions to be answered. I do not want to give you useless advice that mean nothing and make you feel worse. You are probably impatient and want any advice.

 

Right now all I can say is that I know you are hurting. You may ask why love is so very hard and complicated but you make your relationships. Here is some advice for now:

 

You need to try to understand that LDRs are not meant to be easy.

 

You need to understand that men and women are different when it comes to relationships.

 

You have to acknowledge your feelings and not bury it inside you.

 

Do not act like nothing is wrong.

 

Admit to yourself how you feel.

 

You need to deal with your issues before you deal with him.

 

Now remember when you said you think that he came to you because she did him wrong. Remember he was with you for three years. You obviously mean something to him.

 

There is no such thing as real love before marriage because when you love someone for real you marry them. Why? Because you want to spend the rest of your life with them the “right” way. Anything that comes before that is just akin to love.

 

Don’t beat yourself up.

 

Just stop, and take a deep breath.

 

I am one of those people who believe that it is all up to you. Just listen, if you want to be with him then be with him. If you want to be miserable then be miserable. If you want to be happy be happy. If you want to forget and forgive do that. It is your choice. This is your relationship. Don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do in your life. Do what you feel is right even if it is wrong. You have the power to take charge of your life.

 

There is no such thing as beautiful and ugly. Everyone is beautiful and everyone is ugly. Just think about it. I have thought many women as beautiful but at the same time my brother would say that they are ugly. My brother would thing certain people are beautiful but I find them not so much. Everyone is different. That is why you are both ugly and beautiful. What matters is how you see yourself. Your “man” obviously was attracted to you, that why he stayed in contact with you for so long. If he thinks you’re beautiful and you think you’re beautiful, nothing else should matter. I know it is not so easy, especially when people tell you different but you have to realize that having confidence is one the most important things to have. You have to work through this for yourself.

 

I feel like all your self-esteem issues are really what the problem is. If you were confident and had high self-esteem you be blasé about the whole thing and acting as if. This doesn’t mean that your man is a good person and he is not doing anything wrong and that everything is n your head. No. He has done things that should be examined and dealt with accordingly. He wronged you. He hurt you. He was not honest with you. He might even be playing you for a fool but if you had high self-esteem you would be strong and you would not let him hurt you so. You would not let his actions dictate your emotions. That is giving him too much power. You shouldn’t be the one hurting. He should. He should be the one suffering. What if what happened was reversed. What if this happened to him? Have you ever asked him that? See what he says. There are some things that you could let go off when it comes to people’s behavior but other times you have to call him on it. This is one of those times. I hate the negative self talk. I have had it and most everyone has also. You need to learn to just shut it off and deal with things at hand. Sometimes we complicate things and make things seem worse then what they really are. I know I do. You have to make sure, completely sure, and you have to believe that your man is telling the truth no questions. You will feel it in you when this happens. You will feel a sense of calmness a sense of peace. When you get to this point, you will be able to let it go and deal accordingly.

 

You said you forgave him but you really didn’t. Because when you forgive you let it go but obviously it is still eating at you. You just don’t want to deal with it anymore. You don’t want to talk about with him anymore. If he cheated on you don’t forgive him. Do not forgive him. Why? Because it will kill you. You can never forgive this kind of behavior because it will always be eating at you. Instead compensation should be given.

This not only helps you overcome the resentment he made you feel, but it helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.

 

Here is what you should do as Dr. Harley said:

 

“As it turns out, in every affair there is a way to adequately compensate the offended spouse that is good for the offender and good for the marriage—or relationship. At first, the offended spouse may not want to be compensated. He or she may try to get as far away from the offender as possible to avoid further pain. But if the spouse asks for forgiveness along with a willingness to compensate, the offended spouse is usually willing to entertain the proposal.

 

So let's talk about just compensation. What could the offending spouse possibly do to compensate for an affair? After all, it's probably the most painful experiences anyone could ever put his or her spouse through.

The first act of compensation to you from your husband should be to end his relationship with the other woman once and for all. He should never see or talk to her again, even if it means leaving his job or moving your family to another state. The reason should be obvious, but in case there's some confusion, he should be reminded that every contact he will ever have with this woman will be like a knife in your heart. He has already caused you to suffer unbearable pain, and any further contact with his ex-lover would keep you suffering. In your case, the affair is probably over, but has your husband taken precautions to never see or talk to his ex-lover again?

 

And then he should put extraordinary precautions in place to guarantee that another affair will not take it's place. Has he considered the circumstances that led to his affair? Intoxication, business trips that separate you overnight, close friendships with those of the opposite sex, recreational relationships that do not include you, and so forth, should be subject to scrutiny. What was it that made him vulnerable? Whatever it was, he should take extraordinary precautions to avoid it in the future. It's part of just compensation for the suffering he's caused you to bear.

 

While there's no excuse for an affair, and if your husband takes the extraordinary precautions I've suggested he will never have another affair again, there are "reasons" that people have affairs. And those reasons must also be addressed when considering just compensation."

 

 

Of course you are not married to him but it still goes either way. This will help you trust him again and forget about the other woman. Then you can begin to forgive.

 

 

About the jealousy:

 

 

You have so many memories with him to deal with that it could take time to put in the back of your mind. When you are jealous you are giving him power over you. Basically the whole self-esteem is what I am talking about. The more you have the less jealous you tend to be. That’s why you should work at it.

Remember only do what you feel is right not what others feel is right. This is only my opinion. Take it, leave it, rip it apart, use parts. Do whatever. This is just an opinion. Remember that.

 

 

Hope this helps! Hope everything works out for you. Talk to you soon!

[HokeyReligions]

RED FLAG! "I'll kill myself if you leave me" RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG

 

That bespeaks a very controlling person - don't be controlled.