do those that cheat really understand the pain they inflict?

[michelangelo]

And if they do, why do they remain silent about expressing their regret and remorse?

[Pyro]

And if they do, why do they remain silent about expressing their regret and remorse?

 

I am sure that some do understand the pain that they have caused but they may not understand it fully until some time down the road, but others may never realize it because they may feel that they did no wrong.

 

If they do remain silent about it, its probably because they are too proud to admit any faults or like I said above, they feel as though they did no wrong.

[SadForever]

And if they do, why do they remain silent about expressing their regret and remorse?

 

I think they may on some level. But I think it's easy to not think about it when caught up in the intensity of an affair.

 

About expressing regret & remorse, I think the shame & guilt may be to much to bear and it could be easier to not think about it - pretend it didn't happen.

[Tomcat33]

No I really don't think that they fully understand the depth of the pain which they have inflicted, I don't thinnk they can grasp it much as they may try.

 

Maybe they don't express their regret and remorse in words because they feel that there is really nothing they can say to make it better. Hopefully they can do it with actions so that one day when a certain level of trust is finally regained the words can be expressed and actually have meaning. That's my guess.....

[Trialbyfire]

The strongest empathy comes from people with similar experiences. Cheaters are not like normal people. They seem to be more self-centered, lacking key elements of remorse and regret until D-day. Then, they feel shame because they are forced to see who they really are, in their betrayed spouses eyes. Overall though, it's more the getting caught than anything else...

[luvstarved]

Cheaters are to some extent "different" but mostly they are just like any other humans, who give in to urges that the rest of us don't, so to make blanket statements about them is pretty unfair.

 

Some guys do it just for the sexual variety, some to boost their egos, some because it is thrust upon them so to speak, others as retaliation for something they feel was done to them or to try to gain something that is missing in their primary relationship.

 

Even when they feel regret, though there are also a number of reasons why they would not express it - shame high among them. Generally speaking, except for those guys who just want any new tang they can get, most people don't really get out of an affair what they might have hoped for in the beginning - which is probably consequence-free mindblowing sex or whatever they are missing in their relationship

[norajane]

No, cheaters understand the pain only as an observer, not as someone who feels the pain.

 

As an example of the difference, a woman can't ever truly understand the physical pain of getting kicked in the nuts. We 'get it' that it hurts a hell of a lot, but we've never felt it, so it's not the same level of understanding.

[whichwayisup]

As an example of the difference, a woman can't ever truly understand the physical pain of getting kicked in the nuts. We 'get it' that it hurts a hell of a lot, but we've never felt it, so it's not the same level of understanding.

 

And a man cannot truely understand mentral pain, PMS and all that the hormones bring on.

 

Although, (sorry off topic oops) they say that kidney stones are just as painful as giving birth. A Nurse in the ER at the hospital actually TOLD my H this while he was passing a kidney stone afew years ago!

[Frances]

If they do remain silent about it, its probably because they are too proud to admit any faults or like I said above, they feel as though they did no wrong.

 

 

I think that is exactly how my h is about his 11 year EA. He has never said sorry although he does try to be nice to me in other ways. His comment when I brought it up after not talking about it for months was " I thought you were over that by now" I only found about the EA last July. So No they do not understand the pain.

[Woggle]

I think on some level they do understand but they don't care. Cheaters have a get mine at all costs mentality and they don't care who they hurt. If they want to have an affair they are entitled to it and often they blame the betrayed party for driving them to have an affair. There are some people who ruly dn't care about anybody but themselves.

[lovelorcet]

No, cheaters understand the pain only as an observer, not as someone who feels the pain.

 

As an example of the difference, a woman can't ever truly understand the physical pain of getting kicked in the nuts. We 'get it' that it hurts a hell of a lot, but we've never felt it, so it's not the same level of understanding.

 

This is a good example. NO, a cheater has no clue how much pain they really cause. I would even say that the pain is worse then that of a death of a loved one.

[serial muse]

I think many cheaters compartmentalize to the point where they almost don't recognize that they are inflicting pain - they just can't see how they're connected to it.

 

As an example - once, after I had found out about my exH's affair (and was reeling and devastated) but before we officially split (still in MC), my exH said something to me about his cousin's wife - apparently, she had been cheating on his cousin. He was incredulous and indignant on his cousin's behalf - called her every name in the book, etc. etc., couldn't believe how she would do this to him. And he was saying this to me. Without irony.

 

I was so stunned, I didn't even know what to say. When I finally pointed out to him his incredible HYPOCRISY, he was shocked. Somehow, it hadn't occurred to him that he and his cousin's wife were doing the exact same thing!!!

 

Now that's compartmentalizing!!

[Jinxx]

And if they do, why do they remain silent about expressing their regret and remorse?

 

Do you mean by telling my spouse? No, I wouldn't do that. He doesn't need to know. He doesn't need to feel anymore hurt then what he is going through now.

 

I don't remain silent. I confide in a very good friend. I'm the one experiencing the pain that goes along with it. I am separated since last summer. There is no need to tell my husband. Why hurt him more by telling. My affair ended. I'm putting it in the past and keeping it there where it belongs. It is my pain and suffering to deal with -- not my husband's.

[Woggle]

This is why I feel that cheating should be cause for an immediate divorce. If my wife ever cheats I am throwing her out on the street and she knows that because it is such a huge betrayal of trust. Things are never the same after cheating.

[Ripples]

I think some people who've cheated do understand to a degree the pain they've caused once they see it. No, noone can totally understand who hasn't been cheated on themselves, but sometimes that's a good thing. Look how many people become cheaters themselves after being cheated on. It's almost as if that because they've discovered that being betrayed in such a painful way doesn't kill anyone (leaving the revenge murders out of it) and thus this opens the door to becoming a cheater. There's also an element, for me, of losing any faith I had in other women and thus potentially feeling ok about taking another woman's SO. If they can quite happily help my boyfriend cheat on me, why on earth should I give them the respect they didn't give my relationship? I know, I know... screwed up way of thinking...

 

I know my ex is extremely sorry for what he's done and since I ended it with him, he's realised the extent of the pain he caused me by cheating. Maybe that's different to understanding the pain itself... I don't know....

[michelangelo]

Do you mean by telling my spouse? No, I wouldn't do that. He doesn't need to know. He doesn't need to feel anymore hurt then what he is going through now.

 

I don't remain silent. I confide in a very good friend. I'm the one experiencing the pain that goes along with it. I am separated since last summer. There is no need to tell my husband. Why hurt him more by telling. My affair ended. I'm putting it in the past and keeping it there where it belongs. It is my pain and suffering to deal with -- not my husband's.

 

What I was referring to is when an affair is revealed, discovered, etc. Why do cheaters remain silent about any remorse or or regret to their spouse at that point?

 

To me, it is a continuation of the betrayal. If they have no understanding of the pain they inflict, then they are warped human beings, IMHO.

 

If they DO understand the pain they inflict, it is bewildering to me that they don't try to repair things by expressing their remorse to their spouse. especially when a spouse asks for such an expression specifically.

[rtHawk]

I think some people who've cheated do understand to a degree the pain they've caused once they see it. No, noone can totally understand who hasn't been cheated on themselves, but sometimes that's a good thing. Look how many people become cheaters themselves after being cheated on. It's almost as if that because they've discovered that being betrayed in such a painful way doesn't kill anyone (leaving the revenge murders out of it) and thus this opens the door to becoming a cheater. There's also an element, for me, of losing any faith I had in other women and thus potentially feeling ok about taking another woman's SO. If they can quite happily help my boyfriend cheat on me, why on earth should I give them the respect they didn't give my relationship? I know, I know... screwed up way of thinking...

 

I know my ex is extremely sorry for what he's done and since I ended it with him, he's realised the extent of the pain he caused me by cheating. Maybe that's different to understanding the pain itself... I don't know....

 

I do so agree! the compartmentalizing and idea of "getting over it" is just something I can't even understand to some degree.

If there is no painful consequence of the cheating, the cheater can't truly know of the inflicted pain they have brought on.

It is not just the immediate pain and devastation, but the LIFELONG trust issues, the always looking around the corner wondering, suspicion etc.

 

I stayed with my SO after being cheated on and have done my best to forgive but can never forget or get it out of my system and how I behave or feel about it or the possiblitity of it happening again--the fear.

 

I never made his life miserable for it, we wouldnt be together if I hadn't made an effort not to rub his face in it every single moment...

 

I chose to forgive, and work on the R...

 

....

and him, some comedy central skit about the girl yelling at her BF for cheating on her, "she forced you sleep with her" ha ha ha ah

and he actually laughed....

he's over it I quess; ME; I thought I was going to take his balls and run them thru the glass window with glass shards..

 

a cheater needs to feel the consequence to even come close to understanding..

it is as individual as the reason they cheated, some will and some will never.

 

it does hurt more than anything and I do believe in Karma!

[rtHawk]

What I was referring to is when an affair is revealed, discovered, etc. Why do cheaters remain silent about any remorse or or regret to their spouse at that point?

 

To me, it is a continuation of the betrayal. If they have no understanding of the pain they inflict, then they are warped human beings, IMHO.

 

If they DO understand the pain they inflict, it is bewildering to me that they don't try to repair things by expressing their remorse to their spouse. especially when a spouse asks for such an expression specifically.

 

it is because they are either incapable or unable to see their own weakness and denial of the impact they have made upon someone else, a person who loves them..

it is denial that they actually are so weak, so self centered and selfish that it is maybe more painful to acknowledge their remorse that by doing so they admit their weakness, shame and selfishness...

 

the "excitement" or the addiction with the affair is over and they feel empty and out of place in their own home.

 

someday they may find remorse and sadness, understanding, but it may take some time and feeling of loss..

you know, they need to hit bottom to really get it!

[ThumbingMyWay]

To me, it is a continuation of the betrayal. If they have no understanding of the pain they inflict, then they are warped human beings, IMHO.

 

I agree

 

If they DO understand the pain they inflict, it is bewildering to me that they don't try to repair things by expressing their remorse to their spouse. especially when a spouse asks for such an expression specifically.

 

This is a huge part of recovery. The WS showing and expressing remorse. it took my wife a full year to truly show and express remorse. A full year before her remorse became genuine and I actually FELT it. There is a huge difference between just saying I am sorry AND actually FEELING that it is genuine.

 

Another KEY to recovering...its the continuantion of showing and expressing remorse. Just a few weeks ago...out of no where...my wife reaffrimed her remorse to me...just telling me how sorry she was for putting me thru all the crap she did and that she is thankfull for me to stick with her and make things work.

 

Now to me...her saying this...even after 2 years since d-day 2....it was HUGE and it reinforces our bond and my forgiveness.

 

I reaaly dont think cheaters will ever understand the pain the BS feels. but thru genuine expressions of remorse the pain does go away. BS;s need affirmation of remorse over time...not just a one time I am sorry statement. They need to say it and show it thru there actions for a period of time after recovery starts. For me..its been over 2 years...and I still get remorse from her...and it helps me to move on and accept.

[reservoirdog1]

This may be a blanket generalization, but I don't think they can understand until it happens to them.

 

For two and a half years after she stopped the brief attempt at reconciliation and thus ended the marriage, WXW seemed unable to understand why I was angry at her and didn't want anything to do with her. And I don't think she ever will until it happens to her.

[silktricks]

I reaaly dont think cheaters will ever understand the pain the BS feels. but thru genuine expressions of remorse the pain does go away. BS;s need affirmation of remorse over time...not just a one time I am sorry statement. They need to say it and show it thru there actions for a period of time after recovery starts. For me..its been over 2 years...and I still get remorse from her...and it helps me to move on and accept.

 

I think this is so completely true. A one-time "I'm sorry" doesn't mean anything. It's just empty words.

 

IMHO a WS cannot at the time of the betrayal allow themselves to see the amount of pain their partner will endure once they find out about it. They compartmentalize, and oftentimes blame the BS for the fact that they (the WS) want to cheat.

 

Some WS never get past blaming the BS or attempting to vindicate their own actions.

 

Probably many WS cannot ever allow themselves to really see their partner's pain. How they deal with the BS' pain after D-Day eventually becomes more the measure of the person then does the fact that they cheated to begin with. If they show real, honest, from the heart empathy for the BS' pain (as TMW's wife is still doing) then they show that they are also worthy of respect and empathy.

 

A person who is basically a good person, has a strong value system and deals with people from a position of honor and still cheats is in a lot of pain themselves as well. They will never again be able to view themselves quite the same way. They must acknowledge that they have feet of clay and looking at themselves honestly in light of what they have done is heartrending.

 

A WS who actually can look at what they've done to their spouse, see and accept the depth of pain the BS is experiencing, examine themselves, accept their own fragility and weakness, and from their heart beg forgiveness for their actions, is a person who is worth the work, the pain and the love of the BS. That WS is also a person who will not cheat again. They will have branded themselves forever with the pain of their own actions.

 

The OW/OM often seem to not be able to understand the depth of hatred the WS can have for them after the affair is over. They seem to believe that the WS is faking for the sake of their BS. What they don't realize is that for the WS the OW/OM is the physical embodiment of the loss they have experienced of their own self-esteem. Whether they were seduced by the OW/OM or seduced themselves, it doesn't really matter. What does matter is the fact that they (the WS) can no longer look in the mirror and see the same person they used to see. Their self-image has been destroyed. The person they see now is dark instead of light.

 

It's the job of both spouses during recovery to help the other regain their self-esteem, regain their vision of themselves as well as each other.

[Flyin in Clouds]

And if they do, why do they remain silent about expressing their regret and remorse?

 

If a tree falls in the forrest an no one hears it...

 

They only inflict pain if they get caught. Right?

 

What we don't know can't hurt us. Rigtht?

[Flyin in Clouds]

No, cheaters understand the pain only as an observer, not as someone who feels the pain.

 

As an example of the difference, a woman can't ever truly understand the physical pain of getting kicked in the nuts. We 'get it' that it hurts a hell of a lot, but we've never felt it, so it's not the same level of understanding.

 

And guys can't fully understand the pain of giving birth. We get it that it is not all together a jolly good old time. Though usually the end result make it worth the pain or so it seems to the women I've observed after birth of their child.

[Flyin in Clouds]

....

As an example - once, after I had found out about my exH's affair (and was reeling and devastated) but before we officially split (still in MC), my exH said something to me about his cousin's wife - apparently, she had been cheating on his cousin. He was incredulous and indignant on his cousin's behalf - called her every name in the book, etc. etc., couldn't believe how she would do this to him. And he was saying this to me. Without irony.

 

I was so stunned, I didn't even know what to say. When I finally pointed out to him his incredible HYPOCRISY, he was shocked. Somehow, it hadn't occurred to him that he and his cousin's wife were doing the exact same thing!!!

 

Now that's compartmentalizing!!

 

No, that is an example of how I think men and women (generally) view infidelity differently. It's a big deal if a man's wife cheats on him. Huge. If woman's husband cheats on her... well that's just what men do. Women are supposed to be better than men in that regard. More pure, more upstanding, more saintly. We all know men are just low life scum that given half the chance would nail anything in a skirt that wiggled...

[Flyin in Clouds]

Do you mean by telling my spouse? No, I wouldn't do that. He doesn't need to know. He doesn't need to feel anymore hurt then what he is going through now.

 

I don't remain silent. I confide in a very good friend. I'm the one experiencing the pain that goes along with it. I am separated since last summer. There is no need to tell my husband. Why hurt him more by telling. My affair ended. I'm putting it in the past and keeping it there where it belongs. It is my pain and suffering to deal with -- not my husband's.

 

Jinxx, if there is any hope for your relationship, he needs to know you are in pain too. He's hurt. Your hurt. You either get through it together or you seperate forever. Maybe that's the way it ends, but he deserve totally honesty from you and that includes sharing with him that you don't want to hurt him more but you are also hurting because of your regret for hurting him. Knowing that might help him more than you know.

 

(and of course I don't know all the details of your relationship, so maybe I'm totally missing something here... if I am sorry for wasting your time.)

 

 

That said, I will say as a man, you can't imagine what a blow to his ego your having an affair is. I don't know how some men put their beloved wife's affair behind them, put the betrayal behind them, but some do. I know for me it would be very, very hard to do. And it would change my life forever. I would never be able to not think about it. Like not thinking about a pink elephant, it would always come back to haunt me.