Not being able to feel...

[Leikela]

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I am beginning to wonder if I am really over an 8 year relationship that ended a year and 5 months ago. While it was very painful at first, I managed. Then I started having these dreams where I would feel intense pain and have this burning in the middle of my chest. I would wake up to a tear stained face and immediately push the emotions away.

 

The dreams have since ceased and when I think about my past relationship now, I feel nothing. While at first I thought this was a sign that I was truly over everything, here is an indication to me that this might not be the case.

 

I find that I now feel no sadness at all about anything. Movies that used to make me cry, don't make me cry anymore. When I think about sad things, I literally feel nothing. I have a feeling this is some kind of coping mechanism, but I would really like to break that. How does one go about doing that?

 

One thing that I have noticed is that my compassion for other people has definitely gone up a great deal. I am more willing to help others whereas before I wasn't as giving. It is just that I cannot feel any kind of pain and really want to so I can move on with my life.

 

I am currently in a relationship (only 3 months young) and want to be able to give my boyfriend 100% of me. However, I am finding that my not being able to feel is affecting our relationship. Any suggestions on how to get over this hurdle? Thanks so much in advance for any feedback!

 

 

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[Tony T]

What you are going through is not unusual and is a coping style for some people. For one who has endured strong and recent pain, numbing feelings is often the coping mechanism of choice.

 

Give yourself some time. The fact that you are more empathetic towards other people is a great step in the right direction. You seem now to be protecting your own feelings from further pain. I don't think any of us want to be hurt.

 

In time, you will feel again and you'll be fine. There's no pill or technique to speed the healing process. Your current boyfriend will just have to endure. Getting over your frozen emotions could take some months and could possibly hurt your relationship if your boyfriend requires more in the emotion department. But you can only give what you are preapred to give at any given time.

 

Be kind and patient with yourself. Emotional fire drills never work.

[Leikela]

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Hi Tony,

 

Thanks for your well thought out reply. You are right in saying there is no quick fix. I watched "Meet Joe Black" last night and when the sad parts came on I immediately felt myself tense up, almost like an imaginary wall came up, and to counteract that, I told myself to just let go. I relaxed my muscles and told myself it was alright to feel.

 

Needless to say, the tears came falling down pretty easily. I am definitely getting there. I mentally pictured that wall coming down and feeling my muscles relax and I feel that made all the difference in the world. If I keep this technique up, I think I will be on my way to being 100% emotional again soon.

 

Thanks again for the insight. As usual, it was very valuable.

 

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[Swamp]

Maybe your process of actually getting over the last relationship created a process for you to numb yourself to that hurt just so you could move on.

 

Its good you can feel again. I suggest you rent "Braveheart" or "Good Will Hunting".

 

You will let out tons of tears to those.

[Leikela]

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Thanks for the reply Swamp. I think you are right about the fact that I put the hurt away so I could move on. I realized that watching Meet Joe Black. I own Good Will Hunting and Braveheart so I will have to pop those in. Thanks for the suggestions!

 

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